Dylan Moran Quotes

You’re not really an adult at all. You’re just a tall child holding a beer, having a conversation you don’t understand.

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

People will kill you. Over time. They will shave out every last morsel of fun in you with little, harmless sounding phrases that people uses every day, like: 'Be realistic!'" [What It Is (2009)]

Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!

I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.

I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.

I don't know what I want but I know that I want it now.

[Adulthood feels like] walking around in the desert with a bag over your head, being bumped into by people who rob you as they bore you.

Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.

Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?

Everybody is corrupted by hotel rooms. You can't help it. It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first think you do is steal everything before you take your coat off.

I can’t get involved in all the murders you need to commit to get this shit out of your system.

People will kill you over time. And how they’ll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases like ‘be realistic’.

And I'm not saying it's a bad song, you know, or anything like that. All I'm saying is that if you get, I don't know, a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid, put the other end up my arse, stick me on a trampoline in a moving lift, and I would write a better song on the walls. That's all I'm saying.

You know, just sometimes in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that 400th glass of cornershop piss at 3am--you do sometimes look at yourself and think--this is fantastic. I'm in heaven.

Nothing can make me feel better now, except cocaine.

Love in all its forms is very difficult ... to express. It changes, obviously. If you’re young, and you’re romantically in love with somebody, and often if you’ve just met somebody, its crazy! It’s completely overwhelming. You can’t think of anything else. You just want to climb inside the other person and live under their pancreas. And then it mellows, somewhat... to the point where you can barely look at them... without feeling a mild distaste

The most dangerous drink is gin. You have to be really, really careful with that. And you also have to be 45, female and sitting on the stairs. Because gin isn't really a drink, it's more a mascara thinner. "Nobody likes my shoes!" "I made... I made fifty... fucking vol-au-vents, and not one of you... not one of you... said 'Thank you.'" And my favourite: "Everybody, shut up. Shut up! This song is all about me.

Or that other bullshit, 'I need more space.' People never quantify exactly how much space they need, but strangely enough it always seems to be the exact same height, depth, and breadth as you.

Go and get a job. Go and find a flat. Find somebody else. Put them in the flat. Make them stay. Get a toaster. Go to work. Get on the bus. Look at your boss. Say, “fuck”. Sit down. Pick up the thing. Go blank. Scream internally. Go home. Listen to the radio. Look at the other person. Think, “WHY? Why did this happen?”. Go to bed. Lie awake! At night! Get up. Feel groggy. Put the things on - your clothes - whatever they’re called. Go out the door, into work - same thing! Same people, again, it’s real, it is happening, to you. Go home again! Sit, Radio, Dinner - mmm, GARDENING, GARDENING, GARDENING, death!

A man does not know how he came by the half a pie he is holding in his hand!

Your mind is a hive of worms. And worms don't live in a hive, so it already feels unnatural.

He looks like a horse in a man costume!

Fran Katzenjammer: "You need someone normal around here". Bernard: "Normal! He's normal is he, is he"? Fran Katzenjammer: [chuckles] Bernard: "What am I then"? Fran Katzenjammer: "Well you're a freak, Bernard, you know that". Bernard: [pauses then blurts] "Yes. I know. But I have rights"!

You should stay away from your potential. I mean, that is something you should leave absolutely alone! You’ll mess it up! It’s potential, leave it! And anyway, it’s like your bank balance, you know – you always have much less than you think. Leave it as the locked door within yourself and then at least, in your mind, the interior will always be palatial. Wonderful gleaming marble floors, brocaded drapes. Mullioned windows, covered in mullions, whatever they are. Flamingos serving drinks. Pianos shooting out canapés into the mouths of elegant men and women who are exchanging witticisms… “Oh yes, this reminds me of the time I was in BudaPESHT with Binky… We were trying to steal a goose from the casino, muahahaha…” But it won’t be like that. You don’t want to find out that the most you could possibly achieve, if you gave it your all, if you harvested every screed of energy within you, and devoted yourself to improving yourself, that all you would get to would be maybe eating less cheesy snacks.

You should be alive as you can until you're totally dead.

He's so fucking crooked he sleeps on a spiral staircase!

But look at the people who use [their potential], who do actually give it everything, you know? Like the great athletes, y'know, the Beckhams or Roy Keanes of this world. People charging, running up and down the field, swearing and shouting at each other. Are they happy? NO. They're destroying themselves. Who's happy? YOU. The fat fucks watching them.