Vulnerable Narcissist Quotes

Narcissists do not choose us because we are like them; they choose us because we are the light to their darkness; regardless of any of our vulnerabilities, we exhibit the gorgeous traits of empathy, compassion, emotional intelligence and authentic confidence that their fragile egotism and false mask could never achieve.

The narc has been living in denial of their humanity and normal vulnerable feelings for so long there is an entire life time of unexpressed, repressed emotions rotting in the depths of their psyche. This is why they cannot stand to be alone. In that stillness they start to notice the stink coming up from the basement.

When an accusation is thrown at you that does not fit you, when it doesn’t capture what you know to be true about yourself or your behavior, mentally flip it back on your partner. He is likely accusing you of what he is doing or feeling. Accusations can be about the narcissist’s own vulnerabilities and weaknesses (accusing you of being overly ambitious when he is ambitious, criticizing you for being unsuccessful or not making enough money when he is not feeling successful in that space)

The main weakness he has seized on is your vulnerability, your desire for love. This leaves you open to (easy for him) emotional manipulation.

Unlike any other mental disorder, psychopaths are keenly aware of the impact that their behavior has on others. That’s half the fun for them—watching you suffer. They pick up on insecurities and vulnerabilities in a heartbeat, and then make the conscious choice to exploit those qualities. They know right from wrong, and simply choose to steamroll straight through it.

Know that...there's plenty of food and of course popcorn on the dining-room table. Just...help yourself. If that runs out just let me know. Don't panic. And there's coffee, both caff and decaf, and soft drinks and juice in the kitchen, and plenty of ice in the freezer so...let me know if you have any questions with that.' And lastly, since I have you all here in one place, I have something to share with you. Along the garden ways just now...I too heard the flowers speak. They told me that our family garden has all but turned to sand. I want you to know I've watered and nurtured this square of earth for nearly twenty years, and waited on my knees each spring for these gentle bulbs to rise, reborn. But want does not bring such breath to life. Only love does. The plain, old-fashioned kind. In our family garden my husband is of the genus Narcissus , which includes daffodils and jonquils and a host of other ornamental flowers. There is, in such a genus of man, a pervasive and well-known pattern of grandiosity and egocentrism that feeds off this very kind of evening, this type of glitzy generosity. People of this ilk are very exciting to be around. I have never met anyone with as many friends as my husband. He made two last night at Carvel. I'm not kidding. Where are you two? Hi. Hi, again. Welcome. My husband is a good man, isn't he? He is. But in keeping with his genus, he is also absurdly preoccupied with his own importance, and in staying loyal to this, he can be boastful and unkind and condescending and has an insatiable hunger to be seen as infallible. Underlying all of the constant campaigning needed to uphold this position is a profound vulnerability that lies at the very core of his psyche. Such is the narcissist who must mask his fears of inadequacy by ensuring that he is perceived to be a unique and brilliant stone. In his offspring he finds the grave limits he cannot admit in himself. And he will stop at nothing to make certain that his child continually tries to correct these flaws. In actuality, the child may be exceedingly intelligent, but has so fully developed feelings of ineptitude that he is incapable of believing in his own possibilities. The child's innate sense of self is in great jeopardy when this level of false labeling is accepted. In the end the narcissist must compensate for this core vulnerability he carries and as a result an overestimation of his own importance arises. So it feeds itself, cyclically. And, when in the course of life they realize that their views are not shared or thier expectations are not met, the most common reaction is to become enraged. The rage covers the fear associated with the vulnerable self, but it is nearly impossible for others to see this, and as a result, the very recognition they so crave is most often out of reach. It's been eighteen years that I've lived in service to this mindset. And it's been devastating for me to realize that my efforts to rise to these standards and demands and preposterous requests for perfection have ultimately done nothing but disappoint my husband. Put a person like this with four developing children and you're gonna need more than love poems and ice sculpture to stay afloat. Trust me. So. So, we're done here.

Narcissists have poorly regulated self-esteem, so they are chronically vulnerable. If they are vulnerable then there is the threat that they may get found out, so they often maintain a grandiose exterior. Because they always measure themselves by other people, they also measure themselves against other people. They are chronically reliant on the opinions of others to form their own sense of self and are always comparing themselves, their status, their possessions and their lives to other people to determine their sense of worth and self-esteem (in a way, narcissists outsource their sense of self).

In discussion with Dr O I have learned that it blossoms from two things. The first is that this feeling of massive vulnerability and wretchedness still persists and I cannot stand it. I think this is peculiar to me because God has made me brilliant but He wishes to remind me of my mortality and therefore causes me to feel such a horrendous pain when I am attacked. It sickens me and leaves me wracked with agony.

To the narcissistic sociopath, a sexual experience is not about sex; it's about having complete control over his victims. They satisfy their sick compulsions by preying on vulnerable victims who they feel can most easily be manipulated and are least likely to expose their crimes. Warren needed the FLDS even more than the rebel religion needed a leader. His specialized psychosis was dependent on a unique religious hook that just would not work in the general population. In the outside world, he would never have been able to convince anyone to take him seriously. But with the FLDS predilection for blind religious obedience and submission to authority, he had the willing, captive audience that he needed, like a scientist needs labs rats.

A narcissist doesn't listen with the intention of learning or contributing; instead, they focus on collecting information about their victims' vulnerabilities. They gather this data with the intent of later using it as a weapon in their interactions.

Your vulnerable partner may frequently put himself down and sometimes respond to positive feedback, but, in general, he is chronically self-critical and may seem neglectful or dejected most of the time. It often looks like depression. If this is your partner, you may become aware of this pattern over time through the absolute sense of isolation, neglect, and disconnection that unfolds.

She might hate your partner. But she might not … Here’s the thing. She wants you weak and scared and isolated and vulnerable. She does not want you to be strong and empowered. So if you get together with a partner who empowers you and supports you and is good to you, she may well hate that, and may do all in her power to sabotage that relationship. Get together with a narcissist or other abuser though, and she’s quite happy …

It would be a dire miscalculation to assume Jehovah doesn’t hate individuals. Paul made this clear at Ro 9:13. Hosea made this clear at Ho 9:15. Amos made this clear at Am 6:8. Jehovah hates anyone harming His sheep and loves those helping His sheep. Jesus advocated hatred for those who Jehovah hated. pg 39

Given that narcissists can often be quite vulnerable, again, because their self-esteem is so fragile and reliant on the judgments of other people, depression is not a surprising part of this picture. At times when they are depressed, especially for men, it is quite possible that their mood will be even more irritable than usual, or they will become more withdrawn, and seemingly more focused on themselves. The big-ticket symptoms we would like to see changed—the lack of empathy, the chronic entitlement, the grandiosity—tend to be most resistant to change, since they are linked so strongly to the core deficits of the disorder, such as an inability to regulate self-esteem.

no matter how strong or confident you are, being in “love” makes you vulnerable by default.

Children who experience narcissistic parents’ rage and disapproval hold that feeling of 'not good enough’ which makes them vulnerable to repeating abuse patterns.

Red Flag: Slowly you find yourself under the control of a narcissist. They love to control you by pulling on your vulnerabilities.

Love makes it all ‘not about me.’ And after having spent the whole of my existence making it ‘about me,’ that’s an ‘about-face’ that’s about as difficult as it can get.

Our story attracts narcissists like honey to a bee. They can quickly extract your vulnerabilities.

A vulnerable narcissist will probably become angry immediately, and may attack the person who exposed their weakness, either verbally or physically. In contrast, a grandiose narcissist may not appear to get upset at all but may get even with the person later—by spreading rumors, sabotaging their work or reputation, suing them, destroying their property, or otherwise harming them.

We all view life through the lens of these experiences, but the Narcissist has something more, not just a lens but a prism that refracts and distorts incoming messages to avoid the intolerable feeling of shame. This means that you are never in control of how these people perceive you, or when you will be assaulted with some defensive maneuver that deflects their shame, prevents their deflation, or reinflates them after narcissistic injury. Narcissists constantly dump – or project – unwanted parts of themselves onto other people. They then begin to behave as if others possess these unwanted pieces of themselves, and they may even succeed in getting others to feel as if they actually have those traits or feelings. This is an unconscious process for both the dumper and the dumpee, but what it means is that you end up being treated like the dirt they’ve brushed off their own psyches, or feeling the humiliation, the anger, the vulnerability, and worthlessness that they cannot tolerate themselves.

Vulnerable partners cannot (and do not want to) maintain the initial level of energy they brought to an earlier phase of your relationship, once they disengage it can be extremely frustrating for a partner.

Irritable mood is often a presenting characteristic of depression, and irritability is a quality observed in many narcissistic people. While we know that narcissism and depression are associated,[14] it is not uncommon for the depression observed in vulnerable narcissism to be so pronounced that the therapist misses the narcissistic patterns, so even as the depression improves, the narcissistic patterns mean ongoing victimhood, irritability, and apathy.

Because of the way that covert narcissists operate, you may often find yourself doubting who your mother’s “true” self is, as you see her move from being warm, caring, open, and vulnerable to cold, callous, and abusive–without any warning, as if a button has been pushed.

It is appealing to think that once you survived it you will never repeat it. Be aware of your vulnerabilities and start looking for the qualities that make for a better long-term partner—compassion, kindness, respect, and empathy— rather than the flash in the pan qualities of charisma and ego. The risk of the narcissistic relationship is that it transforms you so profoundly and painfully that you feel that you are no longer you. Slowly over time you have cut off bits and pieces of yourself, so you feel as if you have lost your true self.

The dance between the narcissistic reactive sensitivity to feedback, their need for reassurance and chronic sense that they are a victim, and their shame and subsequent rage at having these vulnerabilities reminds us of the essence of narcissistic relationships: you can’t win.

As a reflect on my life, here is what I have learned, how I have grown, and how I've been transformed. Little Dana as a child may have been a people-pleaser. She may have been a vulnerable, naive girl who was controlled by her mean-spirited family members. But that little girl doesn’t exist. Not anymore.

Confidence makes you strong, not proud. Composure makes you tough, not timid. Courage makes you bold, not arrogant. Prudence makes you practical, not intolerant. Respect makes you honorable, not weak. Humility makes you modest, not spineless. Silence makes you prudent, not feeble. Meekness makes you gentle, not helpless. Kindness makes you caring, not vulnerable. Charity makes you compassionate, not spineless. Mercy makes you sympathetic, not fragile. Patience makes you cautious, not powerless. Piety makes you noble, not bigoted. Loyalty makes you trustworthy, not foolish. Justice makes you fair, not vengeful. Integrity makes you strong, not stern. Chastity makes you disciplined, not narrow. Wealth makes you prominent, not selfish. Power makes you influential, not self centered. Honor makes you important, not narcissistic. Fame makes you privileged, not spoiled. Servitude makes you respectable, not sycophantic. Self-control makes you dignified, not self-righteous. Discipline makes you focused, not obsessed. Imagination makes you special, not odd. Pleasure makes you happy, not corruptible. Goodness makes you saintly, not narrow. Faith makes you spiritual, not obstinate. Love makes you mystical, not religious. God makes you transcendent, not ordinary.

In his last book, in 2005, Masterson does touch upon a variation of the abandonment depression in ’the three primary cornerstones of character work.’ For the borderline, a sense of abandonment arises from a question of ’competence’; for the narcissist, ’painful vulnerability’ rests on a sense of deep imperfection; and for the schizoid, there is ’danger’ in the possibility of not being able to make any connection at all.

Judgement: It makes you feel small and defective, as though there were something you need to fix, compelling you to prove yourself worthy of the narcissist’s presence. Tension: It creates a cold, enclosed void and waits for you to fill it, putting you under pressure to reveal more vulnerable parts of yourself to ‘please’ the narcissist. Magnetism: It weakens your resolve, making you feel you have no choice but to engage the narcissist.

We are living the true real-life fairy tale,” or the greatest narcissistic ringer of them all, “No one will ever love you the way I do.” This love bombing can be a bit disarming, but, by and large, it is deeply romanticized. It does feel like a real-life fairy tale, and especially for someone who is young and vulnerable—or even someone who has been bashed in other relationships—it can feel like the ship and the prince (or princess) have come in. Love bombing is a classic red flag.

Dorothy's journey through Oz is a remarkable metaphor for the seduction into the narcissist's illusory world and the healing process that ultimately must occur. Dorothy believes that the Wizard is the only one who has the power to help her, and she embarks on one elaborate adventure after another to find favor and win his approval. Yet, the moment she sees past the larger-than-life image of Oz to the vulnerable little man behind the curtain, she begins to claim her own inner resources and power.

Too much global praise—when kids are frequently told that they are “great” or “terrific”—creates particular dangers. Such praise can train children to think that their essential value, their entire worth, is the issue in many contexts. Their selves always at stake, these children are prone to inflate their importance, both positively and negatively. The self acquires false credit and false dues, and these children can develop, as the psychologist Robert Karen notes, both a distorted, narcissistic picture of their value and a high vulnerability to shame.

These children are often criticized by one parent and made to feel that whatever they do is never really good enough. They may then be doted on, overprotected, or used as a surrogate spouse by the other parent. They may be compliant with their parents’ demands and expectations as a means of receiving their limited attention and dodging criticism and shame. In response to this profound emotional deprivation, manipulation, and control, and the stifling of his precious and vulnerable little self, the child develops an approach to life characterized by such principles as I will need no one, No one is to be trusted, I will take care of myself, or I’ll show you.

Imagine the daughter of a narcissistic father as an example. She grows up chronically violated and abused at home, perhaps bullied by her peers as well. Her burgeoning low self-esteem, disruptions in identity and problems with emotional regulation causes her to live a life filled with terror. This is a terror that is stored in the body and literally shapes her brain. It is also what makes her brain extra vulnerable and susceptible to the effects of trauma in adulthood.                              Being verbally, emotionally and sometimes even physically beaten down, the child of a narcissistic parent learns that there is no safe place for her in the world. The symptoms of trauma emerge: disassociation to survive and escape her day-to-day existence, addictions that cause her to self-sabotage, maybe even self-harm to cope with the pain of being unloved, neglected and mistreated. Her pervasive sense of worthlessness and toxic shame, as well as subconscious programming, then cause her to become more easily attached to emotional predators in adulthood. In her repeated search for a rescuer, she instead finds those who chronically diminish her just like her earliest abusers. Of course, her resilience, adept skill set in adapting to chaotic environments and ability to “bounce back” was also birthed in early childhood. This is also seen as an “asset” to toxic partners because it means she will be more likely to stay within the abuse cycle in order to attempt to make things “work.” She then suffers not just from early childhood trauma, but from multiple re-victimizations in adulthood until, with the right support, she addresses her core wounds and begins to break the cycle step by step. Before she can break the cycle, she must first give herself the space and time to recover. A break from establishing new relationships is often essential during this time; No Contact (or Low Contact from her abusers in more complicated situations such as co-parenting) is also vital to the healing journey, to prevent compounding any existing traumas.

Our speed-dating lab study of the sexual over-perception bias led to several fascinating findings. We had women and men who had never met interact with each other for five minutes and then evaluate the other on their sexual interest in them and report on the level of their own sexual interest. Then interaction partners rotated, chatted with a new person, and did the ratings again. Each person interacted with a total of five members of the other sex. Our first finding confirmed the sexual over-perception bias—men over-inferred a woman’s sexual interest in them compared with women’s reports of their actual interest. Not all men, however, are equally vulnerable to the bias. Some proved to be accurate at inferring women’s interest or lack thereof. Men who scored high on narcissism and who indicated a preference for short-term mating were exceptionally prone to this bias—an inferential error that presumably promotes many sexual advances, even if many of them are not reciprocated. Narcissistic men apparently think they are hot, even when they’re not. Not all women were equally likely to be victims of the male bias. Rather, women judged to be physically attractive by the experimenters were especially prone to evoke men’s sexual over-perception. The irony is that attractive women, because they receive a larger volume of male sexual attention, are precisely the women who, on average, are least likely to reciprocate men’s sexual interest.

becoming more sensitive and vulnerable to sadness.

sensitive, passive-aggressive, and victim-based ways. Vulnerable narcissists secretly clamor for affirmation and adoration, but instead of claiming these as a matter of arrogant entitlement, they manipulate and maneuver in ways that are just as toxic and harmful. This

well for their sheep. They empower them, equip them, comfort them, feed them. They lead their churches in vital mission, caring for the vulnerable, engaging in the work of justice and mercy. While anxious churches driven by narcissistic pastors may grow numerically, healthy churches flourish. Do not mistake numerical growth for flourishing.

While part of good parenting includes being able to prevent deviant behaviors in children and raise happy, healthy and assertive individuals, having a father who is a narcissist means purposefully taking advantage of the fatherly role and exerting extreme authoritarianism and control over the children. They are, deep down, extremely vulnerable to rejection and criticism, are resentful and have bottled a lot of shame in a very deep corner of their subconsciousness. Such a father has no empathy, no sensitivity to their child's needs, but is observant enough to spot what these needs are and use them to gain his narcissistic supply. His children are seen as possessions that belong to him, are emotionally neglected, made to be overly codependent on him for affirmation, money or appreciation even in adulthood. Their emotional scope is very narrow and infantile, so their dealings with children are colored with aging and passive-aggressiveness, rather than maturity and openness.

By not rejecting yourself and supporting your inner child and nurturing your vulnerabilities instead of discarding them, you are ultimately taking responsibility for yourself. You could not choose your childhood, but now you can choose yourself and you can become your own person of trust, someone you always needed and who was never there. Please remember that you already have what it takes to re-parent yourself, as otherwise you wouldn’t be hoping or looking for healing and you are absolutely not alone. Re-parenting includes an immense amount of self-care and self-nurturing. It also includes getting in touch with your inner child and recognizing it’s needs and understanding how it wants to express itself, which goes hand in hand with choosing yourself. Choose you, because you deserve all those beautiful things you were made to believe you are undeserving of.

But, just when you do think they are vulnerable or depressed, they will launch into an overly intellectualized debate about something and try to “beat you” at it (everyone has one covert narcissistic relative who holds the table hostage with a conversation in which he or she needs to be the expert and humiliate or at least “get one over” on anyone who may share that expertise).

At the core of it, narcissists are insecure and fragile, and this can manifest as vulnerability.

They learn that person’s strengths and, more important, vulnerabilities. They figure out exactly what to say and do to convince the person to get close, and, once they have him or her in their web, they know exactly what to do to control the person (this is sort of the Talented Mr. Ripley approach). This can happen over a very long time (in the way a toxic narcissistic parent will come to control a child)

For all of their lack of empathy, they are able to study people and suss out their vulnerabilities. Once they understand those vulnerabilities, they do not protect them; they tend to exploit them. Toxic, narcissistic people charm other people in one of two ways. The first is the devil-may-care approach, whereby they simply say what they want with little regard to whether other people will be hurt by their words.

Ultimately, it is the lack of remorse that really differentiates the two. Narcissists are prone to shame, and they care so much what other people think that when they do a bad thing, they may actually feel bad—not necessarily because they feel bad for the other person, but they are ashamed at being called out because it is not validating and it threatens their already vulnerable self-esteem, as well as their sources of validation.

The Lonely, Deprived Child The most popular theory is one we often encounter in the treatment room. It’s the story of a child who grew up feeling conditionally loved based on performance. His parents may have expected him to be the best, instilling that to be anything short of perfect is to be flawed, inadequate, and unlovable. He may have been taught that love is tentative and contingent, or that his emotional needs would be met if he achieved greatness. His parents may have sought pride and attention through his achievements, implying a less-than-perfect performance would devastate them. This scenario may be complicated by different treatment from each parent. These children are often criticized by one parent while doted on, overprotected, or used as a surrogate spouse by the other. They may comply with their parents’ demands and expectations to receive attention and dodge criticism and shame. In response to this profound emotional deprivation, manipulation, and stifling of the precious and vulnerable little self, the child develops an attitude of I will need no one, No one is to be trusted, I will take care of myself, or I’ll show you. He was not loved for being himself, and was neither guided nor encouraged in the discovery of his true inclinations. He was not made to feel completely safe and unquestionably cherished by a caregiver. He was not shown how to walk in someone else’s shoes—how to feel the inner emotional life of another person. There was no role model for empathy and attunement. He was left with shame and a sense of defectiveness, both from the direct criticism and from the withholding of emotional nourishment and, often, physical affection. He was made to feel there was something wrong with him, as if wanting comfort, attention, and understanding were weaknesses. In defense, he mustered up whatever safeguards he could to extinguish the pain.

The narcissistic parent is vulnerable to cultivating parental alienation, fostered by their grandiosity, entitlement, insecurity, and poor boundaries.

Davies takes the view that if, on the one hand, this state is a return to an earlier “frozen experience” (Winnicott, 1954a, p. 86 in this book), on the other hand, it may be an entirely new experience for the patient who has taken the risk of letting himself be known in this narcissistically vulnerable state. Where primary process thinking dominates, the potential for change may be greater, since defences are breached and access to unconscious material may be enhanced. Davies suggests that the regressed state is ruptured by the recog- nition of dependence within the analysis: this can be a life or death moment, as hate finds expression when the patient emerges from the regression. Destructiveness is definitively present as the subject recognizes the presence of a discrete other, the “otherness” of the other (p. 92)

Now, if they make true intimacy their foundation, meaning they get to know someone deeply and build a place where compassion and commitment can happen, they build a place of safety amid vulnerability. If that is their anchor, then sex gets to be the pleasure cruise it was meant to be.

Some narcissists live constantly in the Pity mode, and these are known as Covert Narcissists, or according to Paul Wink in his paper, The Two Faces of Narcissism2, they have Vulnerability-Sensitivity. The traditional narcissists that we know and don’t love are known as Overt Narcissist, and they have Grandiosity-Exhibitionism.

Many of us blame ourselves for not seeing what was happening with the narcissist, but now you see it, and from here you will come to understand your own vulnerability and how to recover and heal.

Covert narcissists are masters of deception, often hiding their true nature behind a mask of charm and charisma. They excel at manipulating others, exploiting their vulnerabilities, and gaslighting them into questioning their own reality.

Vulnerable narcissists are the victimized, anxious, socially awkward, sullen, broodingly angry, irritable, sad, and resentful narcissists. This type is sometimes termed the covert narcissist. The covert/overt distinction actually refers to the patterns we can and cannot see: overt behaviors, like yelling or manipulating, versus covert behaviors, meaning the narcissist’s thoughts and feelings. Some people also use the term covert narcissist to refer to the narcissistic person’s ability to pass as a nice person when there are people to impress—in essence they are hiding their narcissism from plain view (but behaving badly when there is no audience).

although they have this inflated sense of importance, underneath that lies a very fragile self-esteem that makes the narcissist vulnerable to any kind of criticism.

The difficulty of being cutoff rather than being healed from caretaking is that you still feel that vulnerability to being hooked or forced back into the Caretaker role again. This could easily happen if the BP/NP surfaces back into your life because of children you share or if the BP/NP is a dying parent or a sibling in trouble.

The reality is that men are hurting and that the whole culture responds to them by saying, “Please do not tell us what you feel.” I have always been a fan of the Sylvia cartoon where two women sit, one looking into a crystal ball as the other woman says, “He never talks about his feelings.” And the woman who can see the future says, “At two P.M. all over the world men will begin to talk about their feelings—and women all over the world will be sorry.” If we cannot heal what we cannot feel, by supporting patriarchal culture that socializes men to deny feelings, we doom them to live in states of emotional numbness. We construct a culture where male pain can have no voice, where male hurt cannot be named or healed. It is not just men who do not take their pain seriously. Most women do not want to deal with male pain if it interferes with the satisfaction of female desire. When feminist movement led to men’s liberation, including male exploration of “feelings,” some women mocked male emotional expression with the same disgust and contempt as sexist men. Despite all the expressed feminist longing for men of feeling, when men worked to get in touch with feelings, no one really wanted to reward them. In feminist circles men who wanted to change were often labeled narcissistic or needy. Individual men who expressed feelings were often seen as attention seekers, patriarchal manipulators trying to steal the stage with their drama. When I was in my twenties, I would go to couples therapy, and my partner of more than ten years would explain how I asked him to talk about his feelings and when he did, I would freak out. He was right. It was hard for me to face that I did not want to hear about his feelings when they were painful or negative, that I did not want my image of the strong man truly challenged by learning of his weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Here I was, an enlightened feminist woman who did not want to hear my man speak his pain because it revealed his emotional vulnerability. It stands to reason, then, that the masses of women committed to the sexist principle that men who express their feelings are weak really do not want to hear men speak, especially if what they say is that they hurt, that they feel unloved. Many women cannot hear male pain about love because it sounds like an indictment of female failure. Since sexist norms have taught us that loving is our task whether in our role as mothers or lovers or friends, if men say they are not loved, then we are at fault; we are to blame.

Do not put the Lord your God to the test” (Matthew 4:7)—this answer, though rather brief, dispenses with the second temptation. Christ does not casually order or even dare ask God to intervene on his behalf. He refuses to dispense with His responsibility for the events of His own life. He refuses to demand that God prove His presence. He refuses, as well, to solve the problems of mortal vulnerability in a merely personal manner—by compelling God to save Him—because that would not solve the problem for everyone else and for all time. There is also the echo of the rejection of the comforts of insanity in this forgone temptation. Easy but psychotic self-identification as the merely magical Messiah might well have been a genuine temptation under the harsh conditions of Christ’s sojourn in the desert. Instead He rejects the idea that salvation—or even survival, in the shorter term—depends on narcissistic displays of superiority and the commanding of God, even by His Son.

When someone who has an authority position or an emotional connection to you manipulates you, it strikes a much more vulnerable part of you.

Vulnerability is the biggest attraction to all predators. But your survival instincts are also at the highest when in danger. Use them, don't let fear shut them down.

For vulnerable narcissists, or to some extent for anxious people (and avoidants too, for that matter), there’s so much attention given to how others are slighting them that this concern eclipses their evaluation of how they treat people.

When a Dominant gains the trust and respect of their submissive they not only create an environment of desire but also safety; both physical and, perhaps most importantly, emotional. The Dominant, through their nurturing and protective (not smothering) way, makes it possible for a submissive to sense and express feelings long repressed. The Dominant enables a submissive to talk about anything, explore ideas and desires long thought to be taboo, and challenges them to be better and more in all facets of their lives. As a result, the submissive feels open, safe, energized, desirous and desired. It is this nurturing process that allows a Dominant deep inside the soul of the submissive in a way no one has ever been given access before. But once that access to the heart and mind of a submissive has been granted and that intense vulnerability exposed, she is a very fragile and delicate being that must be treated by the Dominant with considerable care, appreciation, and continued devotion. This is where many domestic partners and wannabe doms completely fall flat and do great harm. Having attained their physical desires after gaining a little access, perhaps even through outright narcissistic deceit, they turn on the submissive and use their vulnerability against them in the form of neglect, manipulation, or even abuse. Having dropped their defenses and allowed someone in, only to be trampled or ignored, the submissive is left feeling emotionally battered and cold. The walls go back up, perhaps never to come down again for the domestic partner, wannabe Dom, or any man.

Chapter FEEDING YOUR ATTENTION HOG I was once at a New Age party and wanted to get the attention of some particularly lovely sari-wearing, belly-dancing women who were floating in and out of the various rooms. I had discovered that I could move past some of my fear and make a connection with people through singing. So I pulled out my guitar and started playing a song I had worked particularly hard to polish, Fleetwood Mac’s “A Crystalline Knowledge of You.” I was able to make it through without too many mistakes and was starting to feel the relief that comes from surviving traumatic experiences. Then one of the belly-dancing goddesses called to me from across the room, “You are some kind of attention hog, aren’t you!” As soon as she said it, my life passed before me. The room started to swirl, as a typhoon of shame began to suck me down the toilet of my soul. “Embarrassment” is an inadequate word, when someone pins the tail on the jackass of what seems to be your most central core defect. I am usually scrupulous about checking with people when I make requests for attention. But this time I was caught with my hand in the cookie jar up to the elbow. I remember slinking away in silent humiliation, putting my guitar back in its case and making a beeline for my car. I just wanted to get back to my lair to lick my wounds, and try to hold my self-hate demons at bay with a little help from my friend Jack Daniels. After that incident I quit playing music in public at all. Several years later I was attending a very intense, emotional workshop with Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. Our group of about twenty people had been baring and healing our souls for several days. The atmosphere of trust, safety and connectedness had dissolved my defenses and left me with a innocent, childlike need to contribute. And then the words popped out of my mouth, “I’d like to share a song with you all.” These words were followed by the thought: “Now I’ve gone and done it. When everyone turns on me and confirms that I have an incurable narcissistic personality disorder, it will be fifty years before I sing in public again.” Dr. Rosenberg responded in a cheerful, inviting voice. “Sure, go get your guitar!” he said, as though he were unaware that I was about to commit hara-kiri. The others in the group nodded agreement. I ran to my car to get my guitar, which I kept well hidden in the trunk. I was also hoping that I would not just jump in my car and leave. I brought the guitar in, sat down, and played my song. Sweating and relieved that I made it through the song, my first public performance in years, I felt relief as I packed my guitar in its case. Then Dr. Rosenberg said, “And now I would like to hear from each group member how they felt about Kelly playing his song.” “Oh my God!” my inner jackals began to howl, “It was a setup! They made me expose my most vulnerable part and now they are going to crucify me, or maybe just take me out to the rock quarry for a well-deserved stoning!

The archaic injury is a term Kohut (1971, 1977) used to refer to the child’s earliest emotional injury or narcissistic vulnerability, be it the birth of a sibling, an unattuned parent, or a parent giving excessive attention to one child over another. To punctuate the importance of continually reminding couples of the role their archaic injury plays in their relationship, I devised a new concept called the “V-spot,” an area of extreme vulnerability that gets aroused when one’s partner hits an emotional raw spot. In psychoanalytic terms it is the seat of the archaic injury, the epicenter of emotional sensitivity It is a product of early trauma that affects all relationships and often creates inappropriate and disproportionate reactions.

Unfortunately, however, people don’t change by learning more information. The only way to break a bonding pattern is through honest vulnerability.

You edit and modify your own books when you bring someone into your heart or life.It’s a gradual process of learning, compromise, and growth. How do you respond to love? To stress? To fear? To hope? What are your needs and wants? What are your vulnerabilities and what are your strengths? What do you expect from your partner? From a relationship? From life? What is your partner’s book? What patterns has he already shown that have given you a clear look into the Book of Him (or Her)? See your partner as a “whole” person. That does not mean, however, that you have to be his social worker or savior. You are not responsible for his histories, and you cannot rewrite them.

A self-confident person is often a good problem solver and stress manager, self-reflective and able to clearly observe, articulate, and take ownership of his faults and vulnerabilities. Because self-confident people have a wellformed sense of identity and values, they do not feel the need to disrespect other people, because they know who they are and do not feel threatened by other people or their views.

The loyal soldier who hunkers down and does the bidding of the narcissistic pastor is sure to get praise. She is an extension of his ego, so the praise is mostly self-centered. Nevertheless, for an insecure staff member who wonders about her place in the system, the praise can feel reassuring. Moreover, there is a kind of reciprocal nature to this kind of narcissistic relationship that is mutually reinforcing. A subordinate’s vulnerable narcissism, which is mired in shame and insecurity, can be reinforced by the grandiose narcissism of the lead pastor.

My own experiences of narcissistic abuse have left me feeling small, powerless, terrified, crazy, exasperated, enraged, and ashamed. If you’ve experienced it, you’ve experienced trauma. Do not chalk this up to a “bad experience.” Name it as a trauma that affects every single aspect of your existence. This is not an admission of weakness but an honest confession. In your weakness and vulnerability is an opportunity for healing.

A vulnerable, low self-esteem narcissistic system, while not as transparently arrogant as its countertype, resists health by choosing to engage in masochistic and self-sabotaging patterns. In church systems, in particular, I’ve witnessed a kind of twisted theological justification for this. These systems will speak of humility, sin, dependence on God, and embracing weakness in ways that defy gospel definitions of them. What is labeled as humility looks like self-deprecation. What is defined as weakness manifests in woundedness. And dependence on God becomes an excuse for passivity and blame when things don’t go well. In the end, the lack of health inevitably leads to pain for its leaders and its members.

Survivors have trouble communicating and may experience social anxiety and agoraphobia, the fear of open space and crowded places. The feeling of isolation stemming from the days of a relationship persists and people who dealt with a narcissist feel too vulnerable to expose themselves to the outer world, which is often followed by a state of paranoia and beliefs that people are evil and want to cause us harm. It is like a constant state of fight or flight.

Red Flag: When you break from the narcissistic cloud of lies and betrayal, you gain ninja skills. You cannot unsee the behaviors but you can learn to understand your vulnerabilities and heal.

Exiles are the wounded inner parts which carry the emotions and memories of our childhood wounds. Managers are the hypercritical, controlling inner parts which attempt to protect our exiles from being triggered. Firefighter inner parts also help to hide the vulnerable exile parts from coming into our consciousness but they do so by dousing out the “fires” (triggers) immediately by causing us to engage in addictive, compulsive, and self-harming behaviors to escape the pain.

Like everything else, the psychopath also mirrored your deepest sexual desires. That’s why it felt so incredibly passionate and flawless when you were together—and that’s why it feels like rape during the identity erosion. Because the psychopath does not, in fact, share your most intimate fantasies. Instead, they’ve been observing and tailoring their behavior to match yours. It’s shocking when you realize this, because you come to understand that they never felt the emotional and spiritual pleasure that you felt. While you were at your most vulnerable, they were simply watching and learning. You find yourself in a desperate situation, needing their sexual approval and flattery to feel attractive. They use this to control you. They pull away in order to make you seem desperate, needy, and slutty. In the idealization phase, they couldn’t get enough of you. But once they have you hooked, they begin to play mind games. They withhold sex, redefining it as a privilege that they hold the key to.

You must learn to identify behaviors, see abusive patterns and know your own vulnerabilities.

Healthy Masculine Energy • creates safety • witnesses without judgment • holds space • present without a goal • integrity & awareness • guides • committed to truth • listens deeply • supportive & encouraging • faces fears/knows death • humble • seeks mentorship • reflective • peaceful & grounded • observes beyond what is seen • responds instead of reacting Healthy Feminine Energy • intuitive • loving • playful & expressive • fluid • heart-centered • surrenders • connecting • births, creates, manifests • vulnerable • compassionate • sensual & affectionate • connected to nature • receives • connected to Source energy • authentic • trusts Wounded Masculine Energy • aggressive • stuck in mind/not present • cold & distant • competitive • withdrawn • bullying • struggles to communicate needs • has to be right • reactive • withdrawn—runs from love • narcissistic • needs to fix • avoidant attachment • afraid of failure • ignores emotions Wounded Feminine Energy • irrational • desperate • needy • manipulative • insecure—seeks external validation • inauthentic • chases love/obsesses • victim • critical • people pleasing • projects emotions onto others • lack of boundaries • anxious attachment • fears loss • seeks external

I voted against Brexit. If Neil (the doctor to whom I am married) came home from work and told me he'd lectured a vulnerable Brexiteer patient during treatment about how misguided they were, I'd divorce him in the belief I'd inadvertently married a narcissistic sadist. There are situations in which a person's political or religious beliefs, however much we disagree with them, should be totally irrelevant. No patient or victim seeking treatment for illness or trauma should have the supposed professional's belief system foisted on them.

CHILDHOOD ADOLESCENCE ADULTHOOD VALUES Pleasure/pain Rules and roles Virtues SEES RELATIONSHIPS AS . . . Power struggles Performances Vulnerability SELF-WORTH Narcissistic: wide swings between “I’m the best” and “I’m the worst” Other-dependent: externally validated Independent: largely internally validated MOTIVATION Self-aggrandizement Self-acceptance Amor fati POLITICS Extremist/nihilist Pragmatic, ideological Pragmatic, nonideological IN ORDER TO GROW, HE/SHE NEEDS . . . Trustworthy institutions and dependable people Courage to let go of outcomes and faith in unconditional acts Consistent self-awareness Adult behaviors are ultimately seen as admirable and noteworthy.