Outdated Jonathan Pokluda Quotes

The only reason we should date is to get married. We date because God gave us the gift of marriage, and we’re trying to get there. That simple statement has some serious implications. If you don’t want to be married, don’t date. If you’re not ready to be married right now (or in the very near future), then don’t date right now.

If you’re looking for a “soul mate,” what you’re really looking for is Jesus. He actually is perfect, and is the only one who can truly satisfy your soul. Love Jesus first, with all your heart, and then find someone who loves him just as much and marry that person. Or, if you don’t marry, you’ll still be OK—because you’re not looking for someone else to make you complete.

You see, when you marry someone, they do become “the one.” They’re the one you’ve committed to love for the rest of your life. The Bible even says that the two of you together become one (Mark 10:7–8). And they will still be the one when they gain weight, lose weight, lose their job, get cancer, or make mistakes. It’s not magical, but that’s what makes it wonderful. It means you’re accepted and loved and secure in your relationship despite your flaws. It means you’ll always pursue each other and work to reconcile any disagreements, because that’s what you’ve taken a covenantc vow to do. In other words, it sounds a lot like our relationship with Christ.

I grew up in farm country, around a lot of different kinds of animals. All the animals I know of only have sex for procreation, not recreation. They are only interested in sex during the approximately one time per year they are fertile. God could have made us like that, but he didn’t. He made it something we can enjoy, in marriage, with very few limits. If you’re married, he wants you to enjoy it. And if you’re single, he wants you to abstain from sex until you are married, because outside of marriage sex does not bring the joy, freedom, and love you are looking for.

Modern culture treats sex outside of marriagea as being no big deal. It’s considered completely normal and not something to be ashamed of; if anything, people brag about it and argue that it’s a positive good. It’s described as being a “casual” activity; something you can do with “no strings attached.” You can supposedly have meaningless “hookups,” “one-night stands,” or text your “friends with benefits” to set up a “booty call,” which is probably the most unromantic thing I can even think of. This idea that sex outside of marriage is OK is probably the biggest lie we are told, and the biggest source of our problems—not just in dating, but in all of life. I know that is a bold statement, but consider the evidence: after the so-called “sexual revolution” of the 1960s, divorce rates doubled, followed by an ongoing decline in marriage rates.1 Currently, 40 percent of children in the United States are born out of wedlock, without a stable, married, two-parent family; in the 1960s, at the start of the sexual revolution, that number was just 7 percent.2 Besides those births, there have been 60 million US children killed before birth via abortion since 1973.3 Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), which would be almost nonexistent if all people were monogamous,b are instead at record highs,4 with something like 20 million new infections in the country each year.5 Pornography use has become so common that it’s just kind of assumed for men but is also regularly consumed by at least a third of all women.6 And then you have all the ways people use and abuse sex as a way to use and abuse other people through either harassment or assault, which is a huge problem: it’s estimated that one in five women are raped at some point in their lives,7 while the majority are either harassed or assaulted in some form.8 Go beyond the statistics and think about how all these things would affect the actual people involved, and all the various costs associated with each one. Add it all up, and the impact both on society and on individual relationships is ridiculously massive.

God’s Design for Sex The problem here is not sex. Sex is not a bad thing. It’s actually a very good thing. Sex was God’s genius invention. He made us male and female. He made our parts and made them fit the way they do. He placed the nerve endings where they are so that sex would feel the way that it does. It is God’s creation, and it is good! The problem is that we stopped following God’s design for sex. Sex is designed for marriage. It is wholly unsuited for any other context. This is apparent when you honestly look at what sex is and what it does. Sex is the most physically intimate thing you can do with another person. In sex, you are fully exposed, fully vulnerable, and fully connected. That is why, from the very start, sex and marriage were described by God as a man and wife becoming “one flesh.”c When you get married and when you have sex, the two of you become one unit, one body, which should no more be separated than half of your body should be cut off.d

Besides bonding, sex is also designed by God as the way we procreate and have children. Again, this is a very good part of God’s design; without it our species would cease to exist. However, kids are healthiest, happiest, safest, and most secure when they are raised by both a mother and a father within a committed, stable, God-honoring marriage. Children raised in any type of family other than with their married parents—in other words, single parents, divorced parents, stepparents, or cohabitating couples—are more likely to be poor, more likely to have behavioral or psychological problems, more likely to be abused, and less likely to graduate from high school.11 Children are a natural outcome of sex, at least part of the time. That’s true even if you try to prevent it using birth control, since no form of contraception is 100 percent effective.12 If you have sex outside of marriage, you are running the risk of having a child outside of marriage, which can be hard for you and for the innocent child. It’s important to note that all of these statistically negative outcomes for children are still far preferable to their death, which is why abortion is not the answer to pregnancy outside of marriage (or inside marriage). But many people decide that abortion is the answer when faced with those circumstances, and the tragedy of having tens of millions of children killed before birth is directly related to the modern prevalence of sex outside of marriage. It’s sick that we’ve twisted something as beautiful and wonderful as pregnancy, where new life is created, and turned it into a negative consequence to be avoided (or “terminated” if we can’t avoid it). But that’s what happens when we go against God’s design. There are consequences, for ourselves and for the people we love. “No strings attached”? There are always strings. So many strings. But let me clearly say this: I’ve been very honest about my own poor choices, and I can say from my own experience that God loves you no matter what choices you’ve made. He is not mad at you. He desires a relationship with you. You do not need to be overwhelmed with shame. You need to receive his grace and forgiveness.

But whereas having sex with someone who is not your spouse after you get married is still almost universally frowned upon today, having sex with someone who is not your spouse before you get married is commonly accepted and expected. In fact, I’ve often heard people argue in favor of premarital sex as a positive thing, claiming that it is good for you and your relationships. (They’re wrong about that; the actual evidence shows that people who wait until marriage to have sex end up with more stable marriages, are more satisfied with the relationship, and are happier with the quality of sex after marriage.13)

I know that what God is calling us to here is countercultural in the extreme. Today’s culture makes fun of virginity. Hollywood makes comedy movies entirely based on the seemingly absurd idea of not having sex.j If you commit to God’s way, there will be those who don’t understand. Some people will think you’re crazy. Remaining pure may even cost you a relationship or two with people who think sex is a necessary part of dating (in which case, you can be thankful you’ve successfully dodged a bullet). But we are called to be different. We are to “not conform to the pattern of this world” (Rom. 12:2). We are to be “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation” who “shine among them like stars in the sky” (Phil. 2:15). So be different. Even if it were possible to avoid all the consequences of sexual sin—it’s not, but even if it were—we should still strive to follow God’s design for sex and marriage. We should do so both because it is his design and also because it is different. It’s an opportunity to reclaim his world from fallen culture and serve as a living example that he makes people new. Start today. Be different.

As for how you can know that you should not marry them, the number one reason is if one of you is not committed to fully following Christ. That is the “unequally yoked” problem from 2 Corinthians 6:14 (see our discussion of compatibility in chapter 6). You should break up if the person you are dating is not fully devoted to following Christ. This will be apparent by what they talk about, what they focus their life on, and how they behave, which includes how they treat you (and the other people around them). If they say one thing with their lips but their actions say something different, believe their actions. Some people know all the right answers and can “talk the talk,” but it is all a con—sometimes one they are even playing on themselves. A person’s actions over time will show what they truly believe. One obvious example of this is whether they are committed to purity in your relationship. If someone is willing to have sex with you outside of marriage, they are clearly not committed to following God, because they are actively disobeying his commands. They are saying, by their actions, that they don’t really fear God. They follow their own desires; that is their god. You should break up if either of you is not following God. That includes you, not just the person you are dating. Really, dating or marriage should be of little concern to you if you don’t have your eternal destination figured out. The smart thing to do would be to work on your relationship with the One who offers eternal life and who loves you more than any imperfect human ever could.

Dating with an eye toward marriage changes not just when you date and who you date but also how you date. Since the end goal is marriage, you want to do things in dating that will set you up for success in your future marriage—whether that’s with the person you’re dating currently or with someone else in the future if it doesn’t work out with this person. That means having healthy boundaries in dating and not crossing inappropriate lines physically or emotionally. You want to treat them well even if you break up with them, and thereby avoid having any angry exes show up at your wedding. It also means using your single time wisely. If you are not ready to date, or are not currently dating for whatever reason, that doesn’t mean you’re stuck waiting passively. You can do yourself and your future spouse a big favor by working to unpack some of your baggage so you won’t have to carry it with you into marriage. As I’ve often said, there are no married people problems—just single people problems carried into marriage.

Don’t toy with others, and don’t let yourself be toyed with. As Romans 12:9 says, “Love must be sincere.

In an attempt to define exactly who they are “compatible” with, a lot of people put together a checklist of what they are looking for in a significant other/spouse. In a way, that seems like a great idea. I’m not opposed to having a list, if it’s the right kind of list. The problem is that people almost always put the wrong things on the list. They want a girl who is short or a guy who is tall. They look for a certain hair color or a certain skin color. Their list includes things such as wanting someone who enjoys sports, watches the same obscure TV shows, or likes to eat sushi. There may be quantifiable numbers involved, like someone who makes at least a certain amount of money or who is no older than a certain age. If your list looks like that, then you are focusing on the wrong attributes. None of those things really matter—or at least they shouldn’t. If money is on your list, then you’re not interested in them; you’re interested in their money. If physical attributes are on your list, then you’re not interested in them; you’re interested in their body—the one thing about them that is guaranteed to change over time.

Nearly everyone tries to date the hot guy or the cute girl. But physical attractiveness has very little actual value when it comes to having a successful, lifelong marriage relationship.

However, there are other attributes that do contribute to success in marriage. There are other “stats” that are far more important than looks. But since everyone is focused on physical beauty, the people who maybe aren’t the “hottest” prospects, but who actually would make the best spouses, far too often get overlooked. They’re out there, waiting for someone like you. And whereas (let’s be honest) you probably wouldn’t have a shot with the “hot” guy or girl—there’s too much competition there—you could actually have a lot of success with the person who doesn’t get asked out as much as they deserve. You could finally “win,” in dating and in marriage, by focusing on the right characteristics.

If your relationship is based on what they can do for you (or what you can do to them), that’s selfish. It’s self-love. You don’t even love them; you just love yourself. Real love is selfless. It’s about serving, not being served; giving, not getting. And when both people love and give and serve each other selflessly, well, you end up getting quite a lot.

I think there is a self-worth problem at play here; some people don’t think they deserve better, so they settle for someone who treats them poorly. Just a quick but important reminder: God took great joy in designing you.c He loves you, has given you infinite value, and has paid a great price for you through his Son, Jesus. Find someone with that faith who understands your worth.

Whatever you watch, whatever you binge, whatever you focus your eyes and your mind on, your heart will start seeking more of the same.

A healthy, godly marriage is not entertaining. It's amazing; it's beautiful; it's an incredible adventure; it's boring. You wouldn't want to watch it, but you do want to live it.

God invented love, so he gets to define it—not Hollywood, television, or the songs you're listening to.

You will never be more uninhibited, more available, and more ready to serve God than you are right now as a single person. You'll never have more time or fewer responsibilities. You'll' never have more freedom or a greater opportunity to take chances and risk something for the gospel.

You will never be more uninhibited, more available, and more ready to serve God than you are right now as a single person. You'll never have more time or fewer responsibilities. You'll never have more freedom or a greater opportunity to take chances and risk something for the gospel.

Find someone running in the same direction you are, at the same speed, and ask them if they'd like to run this race with you.

You will never be more uninhibited, more available, and more ready to serve God than you are right now as a single person. You'll never have more time or fewer responsibilities. You'' never have more freedom or a greater opportunity to take chances and risk something for the gospel.

Our earthly romantic relationships are supposed to be a reflection of, or a peek into, our eternal relationship with our Savior.

This desire to "help" God with his timetable by taking matters into our own hands is often a reflection of us not trusting that God is faithful to keep his promises, and, ladies, that you may not trust a guy to step up and lead you. Don't play that game. If a man's not willing to take initiative, and doesn't see you as being valuable enough to be worth pursuing in dating, then he is not the kind of man you really want to yoke yourself to.