Henny Youngman Quotes

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars’ worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it. —Henny Youngman

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I've got all the money I'll ever need. If I die by 4:00.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." The doctor says, "Then don't do that!

„Докторът казал на един пациент, че му остават още 6 месеца жевот. Пациентът не можал да си плати сметката, и докторът му дал още 6 месеца.

Dancing on pointe...Why don't they just get taller girls?

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

A man walks into a library and says, ‘I hope you don’t have a book on reverse psychology.

If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” ― Henny Youngman

Most women are attracted to simple things in life. Like men.

Mick required far less hand-holding than Michael. Signing the Stones, though, had required a full frontal assault worthy of General Patton, one of my heroes. The final battle exploded at the Ritz Hotel in Paris back in ’83. After months of relentless pursuit, I had them. All they had to do was sign when suddenly at 3 A.M. Mick goes mental and calls me a “stupid motherfuckin’ record executive.” I lose it. I reach for his throat. I have a vision of punching out all ninety-eight pounds of him. I stop myself, envisioning tomorrow’s headline—“Yetnikoff Kills Jagger.” Jagger relents, signs and from then on it’s wine and roses. It was Mick—wily and witty Mick—who later that year plotted with my girlfriend, the one called Boom Boom, to throw me a surprise fiftieth birthday bash where Henny Youngman emceed and Jon Peters, Barbra

If you're gonna do something tonight that you'll regret tomorrow morning, sleep late

you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.” ―Henny Youngman

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. —HENNY YOUNGMAN, BRITISH COMEDIAN

Most women are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.” ~Henny Youngman

Os americanos estão ficando mais fortes. Há vinte anos, eram necessárias duas pessoas para carregar dez dólares em compras feitas na mercearia da esquina. Hoje, um garoto de cinco anos consegue fazer isso sozinho. Henny Youngman