Eoin Colfer Quotes

We've searched our database for all the quotes and captions related to Eoin Colfer. Here they are! All 100 of them:

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Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.
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Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl (Artemis Fowl, #1))
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It's like learning to ride a unicorn. You never forget.
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Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl (Artemis Fowl, #1))
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I never tell anyone exactly how clever I am. They would be too scared.
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Eoin Colfer (The Eternity Code (Artemis Fowl, #3))
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If I win, I'm a prodigy. If I lose, then I'm crazy. That's the way history is written.
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Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl (Artemis Fowl, #1))
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If you were me, then I'd be you, and if I were you, then I'd hide somewhere far away.
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Eoin Colfer (The Eternity Code (Artemis Fowl, #3))
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Trust me. I'm a genius.
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Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl (Artemis Fowl, #1))
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No matter what dimension you're in, there's a big-headed male trying to take over the world.
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Eoin Colfer (The Lost Colony (Artemis Fowl, #5))
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Foaly: Anyone see you come in here? Holly: The FBI, CIA, NSA, DEA, MI6. Oh, and the EIB. Foaly: The EIB? Holly: (smirking) Everyone in the building.
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Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl Band 1-3)
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Good. Illegal is always faster.
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Eoin Colfer
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Listen to me, goblin. You're stupid, let's accept that and move on.
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Eoin Colfer (The Eternity Code (Artemis Fowl, #3))
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Butler could kill you a hundred different ways without use of his armoury. Though I'm sure one would be quite sufficient.
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Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl (Artemis Fowl, #1))
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Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder
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Eoin Colfer (The Time Paradox (Artemis Fowl, #6))
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Let us proceed under the assumption that the fairy folk do exist, and that I am not a gibbering moron.
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Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl (Artemis Fowl, #1))
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You know you're in trouble when your own imagination starts punishing you.
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Eoin Colfer
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In my experience, boys are predictable. As soon as they think of something, they do it. Girls are smarterβ€”they plan ahead. They think about not getting caught.
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Eoin Colfer (Half Moon Investigations)
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I don't like lollipops.
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Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl (Artemis Fowl, #1))
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Being in command means making tough decisions. Not being in command means shutting up and doing what you're told. --Artemis Fowl
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Eoin Colfer (The Artemis Fowl Files)
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A CD. How quaint. We have these in museums.
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Eoin Colfer (The Eternity Code (Artemis Fowl, #3))
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I can't imagine what they're planning. But I can tell you two things. We won't like it, and it won't be legal.
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Eoin Colfer (The Artemis Fowl Files)
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We're being lead by an idiot with a crayon.
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Eoin Colfer (The Arctic Incident (Artemis Fowl, #2))
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You wouldn't know a clue if it danced in front of you with a T-Shirt that read 'I'm a clue
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Eoin Colfer
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Who are you?" he asked. I am the future queen of this world, at the very least. You may refer to me as Mistress Koboi for the next five minutes. After that you may refer to me as Aaaaarrrrgh, hold your throat, die screaming, and so on.
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Eoin Colfer (The Time Paradox (Artemis Fowl, #6))
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The problem is that I know the textbook answers to any question you care to ask.
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Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl (Artemis Fowl, #1))
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Hey, lookβ€”your girlfriend is saying something." Artemis had a vast mental reserve of scathing comebacks at his disposal, but none of them covered girlfriend insults. He wasn't even sure if it was an insult. And if it was, who was being insulted? Him or the girl?
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Eoin Colfer
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Hit that back-stabber where it hurts, right in the ambition.
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Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl (Artemis Fowl, #1))
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D'Arvit!
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Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl Band 1-3)
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I'm right there with you, darlin'. Unless you step on a landmine, in which case I'm way back in the Operations Room.
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Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl (Artemis Fowl, #1))
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A genius. A criminal mastermind. A millionaire. And he is only twelve years old.
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Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl (Artemis Fowl, #1))
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And one more thing. About my name β€” Artemis β€” you were right. In London, it is generally a female name, after the Greek goddess of archery. But every now and then a male comes along with such a talent for hunting that he earns the right to use the name. I am that male. Artemis the hunter. I hunted you.
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Eoin Colfer (The Eternity Code (Artemis Fowl, #3))
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Look!" said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, "Someone who cares!
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Eoin Colfer (The Atlantis Complex (Artemis Fowl, #7))
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Humm humm haaa. Rahmumm humm haaaa," intoned Opal, finishing her chant. "Peace be inside me, tolerance all around me, forgiveness in my path. Now, Mervall, show me where the filthy human is so that I may feed him his organs.
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Eoin Colfer (The Time Paradox (Artemis Fowl, #6))
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(about his terrible attempt at making a sandwich) It's more difficult than it looks. (Artemis Fowl)
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Eoin Colfer (The Eternity Code (Artemis Fowl, #3))
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No, mademoiselle, I would not like to see the children's menu. I have no doubt that the children's menu itself tastes better than the meals on it. I would like to order Γ  la carte. Or don't you serve fish to minors?
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Eoin Colfer (The Eternity Code (Artemis Fowl, #3))
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Artemis: (shocked) Why, Doctor? This is a sensitive area. For all you know I could be suffering from depression. Doctor Po: I suppose you could. Is that the case? Artemis: (head in hands) It's my mother, Doctor. Doctor Po: Yes? Artemis: My mother, she... Doctor Po: Your mother, yes? Artemis: She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy when the school's so-called counsellors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.
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Eoin Colfer (The Arctic Incident (Artemis Fowl, #2))
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Can we please focus? We are supposed to be professionals." Holly said. "Not me!" said Orion cheerily, "I'm just a Teenager with hormones running wild and may I say, young fairy lady, they're running wild in your direction.
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Eoin Colfer (The Atlantis Complex (Artemis Fowl, #7))
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If it looks like a Dwarf, and it smells like a Dwarf, then it's probably a Dwarf or a latrine wearing dungerees.
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Eoin Colfer (The Lost Colony (Artemis Fowl, #5))
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I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal.
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Eoin Colfer (The Time Paradox (Artemis Fowl, #6))
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Oh, I'm crazy all right. I do have plenty of psychoses. Multiple personality, delusional dementia, OCD. I've got them all, but most of all, I'm crazy about you.
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Eoin Colfer (The Atlantis Complex (Artemis Fowl, #7))
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Stay back, human. You don't know what you're dealing with.
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Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl (Artemis Fowl, #1))
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I bet," said Mulch, "that you would set the world on fire just to watch it burn." Opal tapped the suggestion into a small electronic notepad on her pocket computer. Thanks for that. Now, tell me everything.
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Eoin Colfer (The Time Paradox (Artemis Fowl, #6))
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(to Foaly) Captain Short's life is in danger, so push the button before I climb that tower and push it with your face!
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Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl (Artemis Fowl, #1))
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Really, I'm trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the fat lady sings. Well, she's singing, but it doesn't appear to be over
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Eoin Colfer
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Shut up, Julius! I mean, quiet a moment, Commander.
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Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl (Artemis Fowl, #1))
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What's that supposed to mean? A wolf's head on a stick. Big wolf barbecue tonight? Bring your own wolf?
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Eoin Colfer (The Lost Colony (Artemis Fowl, #5))
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I am unarmed. But Butler here, my ...ah...butler, has a Sig Saucer in his shoulder holster, two shrike-throwing knives in his boots, aderringer two-shot up his sleeve, garrotte wire in his watch, and three stun greanades concealed in variouse pockets. Anything else, Butler?
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Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl (Artemis Fowl, #1))
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Orion:"Oh, how I pray that dragon will turn 'round so that I may smite it." Foaly: "Smite it with what? Your secret birthmark?" Orion: "Don't you mock my birthmark, which I may or may not have.
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Eoin Colfer (The Atlantis Complex (Artemis Fowl, #7))
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Everyone says that I have no sense of humor, then I construct a perfectly sound pun around a well-known psychological condition, and it is ignored.
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Eoin Colfer (The Lost Colony (Artemis Fowl, #5))
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I'm the crazy girly captain, Remember?
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Eoin Colfer (The Arctic Incident (Artemis Fowl, #2))
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I don't suppose you would consider peaceful surrender?
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Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl (Artemis Fowl, #1))
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I feel a little dizzy," said Orion. "But also wonderfully elated. I feel that I am on the verge of finding a rhyme for the word orange." "Oxygen deprivation," said Foaly. "Or maybe it's just him.
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Eoin Colfer (The Atlantis Complex (Artemis Fowl, #7))
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If Koboi defeats and presumably murders us both then you can consider the debt null and void.
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Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl (Artemis Fowl, #1))
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(text message) CMDR ROOT. TRBLE BELOW. HAVN OVRRN BY GOBLINS. PLCE PLAZA SRROUNDED. CUDGEON + OPL KBOI BHND PLOT. NO WPONS OR CMMUNICATIONS. DNA CNONS CNTRLLED BY KBOI. I M TRPPED IN OP BTH. CNCL THNKS IM 2 BLM. IF ALIVE PLSE HLP. IF NOT, WRNG NMBR.
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Eoin Colfer (The Arctic Incident (Artemis Fowl, #2))
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So, what did you get for me?" Angeline paused for a beat. "Jeans." "What?" croaked Artemis. "And a T-shirt.
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Eoin Colfer (The Atlantis Complex (Artemis Fowl, #7))
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Either that boy is the sanest creature on Earth, he thought, or he is so disturbed that our tests cannot even begin to scratch the surface.
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Eoin Colfer (The Last Guardian (Artemis Fowl, #8))
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Certainly, Doctor. Let's talk about your chair. Victorian?
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Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl (Artemis Fowl, #1))
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That was horrible. Horrible. That poor little guy." Pex was unrepentant. "Yeah, well, he asked for it. Calling us ... all those things." But---buried alive! That's like in that horror movie. Y'know -- the one with all the horror." I think I saw that one. With all the words going up on the screen at the end?" Yeah, that was it. Tell you the truth, those words kinda ruined it for me.
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Eoin Colfer (The Eternity Code (Artemis Fowl, #3))
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I want you to know, my dear friend, that without you, I would not be the person I am today." He leaned in close and whispered, "I was a broken boy, and you fixed me. Thank you.
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Eoin Colfer (The Last Guardian (Artemis Fowl, #8))
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I'm not threatening you. I'm just informing you of police procedure. If you continue to obstruct me, I remove the obstruction, in this case you, and proceed to the next command.
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Eoin Colfer (The Arctic Incident (Artemis Fowl, #2))
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Too much damned TV. Thinks he's Sherlock Holmes." "That's professor Moriarty," corrected Foaly. "Holmes, Moriarty, they both look the same with the flesh scorched off their skulls.
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Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl (Artemis Fowl, #1))
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No, I don't think you understand just how stupid goblins are. Let me give you an example. One of the B'wa Kell generals, and this is their top fairy, was caught caught trying to pass off forged credit slips by signing his own name.
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Eoin Colfer (The Arctic Incident (Artemis Fowl, #2))
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Excuse me, Captain. Are you two going to weep salty tears of admiration over a helmet all night, or do we have matters to discuss?
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Eoin Colfer (The Lost Colony (Artemis Fowl, #5))
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My bugs don't have bugs.
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Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl (Artemis Fowl, #1))
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When the moment comes, will you take your chance to be a hero?
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Eoin Colfer (The Eternity Code (Artemis Fowl, #3))
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A cloak of invisibility? This is a highly sensitive piece of field equipment. What does he think? Some warlock pulled it out of his armpit?
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Eoin Colfer (The Lost Colony (Artemis Fowl, #5))
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Artemis simple-toon
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Eoin Colfer (The Artemis Fowl Files)
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Quickly, Holly," said Artemis urgently. "Follow those bubbles." Holly opened the throttle. "Now there's an order I never thought I'd hear from you.
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Eoin Colfer (The Atlantis Complex (Artemis Fowl, #7))
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Friendship isn't a science mudboy. Just do what you think is right.
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Eoin Colfer (The Opal Deception (Artemis Fowl, #4))
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That's the last order I'll ever give you Captain. Don't you dare ignore it.
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Eoin Colfer (The Opal Deception (Artemis Fowl, #4))
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Genius inspires resentment. A sad fact of life.
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Eoin Colfer (The Time Paradox (Artemis Fowl, #6))
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Me," Artemis blurted. "I'm the nut." Artemis could have sworn the squid winked at him before bringing the five-ton chunk of spacecraft swinging down toward the morsel of meat in its blue shell. "I'm the nut!" Artemis shouted again, a little hysterically, it must be said.
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Eoin Colfer (The Atlantis Complex (Artemis Fowl, #7))
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And I will not be beaten by that jackass." "Jackass?" said Foaly, wounded. "My favorite uncle is a jackass.
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Eoin Colfer (The Atlantis Complex (Artemis Fowl, #7))
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Orion brightened. "I have an idea." "Yes?" said Foaly, daring to hope that a spark of Artemis remained. "Why don't we look for some magic stones that can grant wishes? Or, if that doesn't work, you could search my naked body for some mysterious birthmark that means I am actually the prince of somewhere or other.
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Eoin Colfer (The Atlantis Complex (Artemis Fowl, #7))
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A monkey glances up and sees a banana, and that's as far as he looks. A visionary looks up and sees the moon.
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Eoin Colfer (Airman)
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He threw his head back and sang, "'I am a centaur, yes, a centaur is what I am.' It's not like you to wax, Artemis" "Foaly is singing," said Holly. "Surely that's illegal?
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Eoin Colfer (The Atlantis Complex (Artemis Fowl, #7))
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Nobody's death is impending." ..."Well technically everyone's death is impending.
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Eoin Colfer (The Last Guardian (Artemis Fowl, #8))
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And it's amazing how much noise people ignoring each other can make.
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Eoin Colfer (Benny and Babe)
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Onscreen, Foaly rubbed his eyelids with his index fingers. "Yeah, yeah. Here we go. Captain Short goes rogue once more. Hands up who's surprised. Anyone?
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Eoin Colfer (The Last Guardian (Artemis Fowl, #8))
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Ah, my princess. Noble steed. How does the morning find you both?
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Eoin Colfer (The Atlantis Complex (Artemis Fowl, #7))
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She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy, when the so-called counselors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees. -Artemis Fowl
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Eoin Colfer
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Don’t feel bad; I regularly reduce people to unintelligible stammers.
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Eoin Colfer (Airman)
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The only other scenario that could explain everything, up to and including your own bizarre apperance, is a convoluted conspiracy theory involving the Russian Mafia and a crack team of plastic surgeons.
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Eoin Colfer (The Eternity Code (Artemis Fowl, #3))
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HOLLY: Are you suggesting I occasionally stray from the rule book? FOALY: No. I'm suggesting you do not own a copy of the rule book, and if you do, you have certainly never opened it.
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Eoin Colfer (The Time Paradox (Artemis Fowl, #6))
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Other men look up and down, left and right; but men like us are different. We are visionaries.
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Eoin Colfer (Airman)
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It took teams of LEP warlocks to slow down time for a few hours; the magic required to open a door to the tunnel was stupendous. It would be easier to shoot down the moon. Opal tapped this into her notepad. Reminder. Shoot down the moon? Viable?
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Eoin Colfer (The Time Paradox (Artemis Fowl, #6))
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Remember this? You gave it to me for ensuring your trigger finger got reattached to your hand. You said it would remind me of that spark of decency inside me. I'm trying to do something decent now, Captain.
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Eoin Colfer (The Arctic Incident (Artemis Fowl, #2))
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Artemis: I am not buoyed by that. Foaly: You are not supposed to be buoyed by that. You are supposed to be equalized. Mulch: I'm pretty sure that both of you just made really horrible jokes. But I'm not sure because I think you broke my funny bone.
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Eoin Colfer (The Atlantis Complex (Artemis Fowl, #7))
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Artemis: "Right, brothers. Onward. Imagine yourself seated at a cafe in Montmartre." Myles: "In Paris." Artemis: "Yes, Paris. And try as you will, you cannot attract the waiter's attention. What do you do?" Beckett: "Umm...tell Butler to jump-jump-jump on his head?" Myles: "I agree with simple-toon." Artemis: "No! You simply raise one finger and say clearly 'ici, garcon.'" Beckett: "Itchy what?
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Eoin Colfer
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The next minute or so was spent howling on the ceiling . Imp No.1 joined in, but he wasn't really feeling it. It shouldn't be "Who do we hate?", he thought, it really should be "whom", but this probably wasn't a good time to bring that up.
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Eoin Colfer
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how does she know it's the right room?' wondered Descant. Oh, I don't know; mabye it's the magical red glow coming from the doorway, or perhaps it's the deafening howl of the temporal winds.' said Mervall. Descant nodded.'You could be right, brother. And don't think I don't know sarcasm when I hear it.
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Eoin Colfer (The Time Paradox (Artemis Fowl, #6))
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Thankfully the rest of the world assumed that the Irish were crazy, a theory that the Irish themselves did nothing to debunk. They had somehow got it into their heads that each fairy lugged around a pot of gold with him wherever he went. While it was true that LEP had a ransom fund, because of its officers' high-risk occupation, no human had ever taken a chunk of it yet. This didn't stop the Irish population in general from skulking around rainbows, hoping to win the supernatural lottery.
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Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl (Artemis Fowl, #1))
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Orion sniffed. "Good. Then, worthy centaur, perhaps you could give me a ride to the village on your way back. Then I can make a few pennies wth my verses while you build us a shack and perform circus tricks for passersby." This was such a surprising statement that Foaly briefly considered jumping into the hole to get away.
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Eoin Colfer (The Atlantis Complex (Artemis Fowl, #7))
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Ah, yes, the trusty time paradox. If I go back in time and kill my grandfather, then shall I cease to exist? I believe, as Gorben and Berndt did, that any repercussions are already being felt. We can only change the future, not the past or present. If I go back, then I have already been back. - Artemis Fowl
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Eoin Colfer (The Time Paradox (Artemis Fowl, #6))
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So if you're not Artemis Fowl, then who are you?" The boy extended a dripping hand straight up. "My name is Orion. I am so pleased to meet you at last. I am, of course, your servant." Holly shook the proferred hand, thinking that manners were lovely, but she really needed someone cunning and ruthless right now, and this kid didn't appear to be very cunning.
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Eoin Colfer (The Atlantis Complex (Artemis Fowl, #7))
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Very well, I promise. So, what did you get for me?" Angeline paused for a beat. "Jeans." "What?" croaked Artemis. "And a T-shirt" ...Artemis took several breaths. "Does the T-shirt have any writing on it?" A rustling of paper crackled through the phone's speakers. "Yes, it's so cool. There's a picture of a boy who for some reason has no neck and only three fingers on each hand, and behind him in this sort of graffiti style is the words RANDOMOSIY. I don't know what that means but it sounds really current." Randomosity though Artemis, and he felt like weeping.
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Eoin Colfer (The Atlantis Complex (Artemis Fowl, #7))
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You know, Miss Holly, you look very dramatic like that, backlit by the fire. Very attractive, if I may say so. I know you shared a moment passionne with Artemis which he subsequently fouled up with his typical boorish behavior. Let me just throw something out there for you to consider while we're chasing the probe: I share Artemis's passion but not his boorishness. No pressure; just think about it. This was enough to elicit a deafening moment of silence even in the middle of a crisis, which Orion seemed to be blissfully unaffected by.
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Eoin Colfer (The Atlantis Complex (Artemis Fowl, #7))
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Butler snapped his fingers. "Focus, Artemis! Time enough for your Atlantis Complex later. We have the Atlantis Trench outside that door and six miles of water above it. If you want to stay alive, you need to stay alert." He turned to Holly. "This is ridiculous. I'm pulling the plug." Holly's mouth was a tight line as she shook her head. "Navy rules, Butler. You're on my boat, you follow my orders." "As I remember, I brought the boat." "Yes, thanks for bringing my boat.
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Eoin Colfer (The Atlantis Complex (Artemis Fowl, #7))
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Jon Spiro had not hired Pex and Chips for their debating sills. In the job interview, they had only been set one task. A hundred applicants were handed a walnut and asked to smash it however they could. Only two succeeded. Pex had shouted at the walnut for a few minutes, then flattened it between his giant palms. Chips had opted for a more controversial method. He placed the walnut on the table, grabbed is interviewer by the ponytail, and used the man's forehead to smash the nut. Both men were hired on the spot. They quickly established themselves as Arno Blunt's most reliable leiutenants for in-house work. They were not allowed outside Chicago, as this could involve map reading, something Pex and Chips were not very good at.
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Eoin Colfer (The Eternity Code (Artemis Fowl, #3))
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How do I love thee? wondered Orion. "Let me see. I love thee passionately and eternally...obviously eternally-that goes without saying." Holly blinked sweat from her eyes. "Is he serious?" she called over her shoulder to Foaly. "Oh, absolutely," said the centaur "If he asks you to look for birthmarks, say no immediately." "Oh, I would never." Orion assured her. "Ladies don't look for birthmarks; that is work for jolly fellows like the Goodly Beast and myself. Ladies, like Miss Short, do enough by simply existing. They exude beauty, and that is enough." "I am not exuding anything." said Holly, through gritted teeth. Orion tapped her shoulder. "I beg to differ. You're exuding right now, a wonderful aura. It's pastel blue with little dolphins." Holly gripped the wheel tightly. "I'm going to be sick. Did he just say pastel blue?" "And dolphins, little ones," said Foaly.
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Eoin Colfer (The Atlantis Complex (Artemis Fowl, #7))
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Relax, Mr. Diggums. Have another nettle beer, or some spring water." The commander took two bottles from the cooler and offered one to Mulch. Mulch studied the label. "Derrier? No thanks. You know how they put the bubbles in this stuff?" Vinyaya's mouth twitched with the ghost of a smile. "I thought it was naturally carbonated." "Yeah, that's what I thought until I got a prison job at the Derrier plant. They employ every dwarf in the Deeps. They made us sign confidentiality contracts." Vinyaya was hooked. "So go on, tell me. How do they get the bubbles in?" Mulch tapped his nose. "Can't say. Breach of contract. All I can say is it involves a huge vat of water and several dwarfs using our ...eh" Mulch pointed to his rear end-"... natural talents." Vinyaya gingerly replaced her bottle.
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Eoin Colfer (The Lost Colony (Artemis Fowl, #5))
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Maybe I owe you something too, human," she said, drawing her pistol. Butler almost reacted, but decided to give Holly the benefit of the doubt. Captain Short plucked a gold coin from her belt, flicking it fifty feet into the moonlit sky. With one fluid movement, she brought her weapon up and loosed a single blast. The coin rose another fifty feet, then spun earthward. Artemis somehow managed to snatch it from the air. The first cool movement of his young life. "Nice shot," he said. The previously solid disk now had a tiny hole in the center. Holly held out her hand, revealing the still raw scar on her finger. "If it wasn't for you, I would have missed altogether. No mech-digit can replicate that kind of accuracy. So, thank you too, I suppose." Artemis held out the coin. "No," said Holly. "You keep it, to remind you." "To remind me?" Holly stared at him frankly. "To remind you that deep beneath the layers of deviousness, you have a spark of decency. Perhaps you could blow on that spark occasionally." Artemis closed his fingers around the coin. It was warm against his palm. "Yes, perhaps.
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Eoin Colfer (The Arctic Incident (Artemis Fowl, #2))