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Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
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Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
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Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
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Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
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Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue
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Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.
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Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
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Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man β who has no gills.
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Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
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Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are not as they ought to be.
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Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
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Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
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Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.
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Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.
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Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
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Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel.
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Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.
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Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
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Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.
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Inhumanity, n. One of the signal and characteristic qualities of humanity.
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Redemption, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religions, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.
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FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
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HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are
four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and
praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain
whether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is for
advantage of the lawyers.
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Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
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Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.
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BELLADONNA, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.
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Hash, x. There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is.
Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.
Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.
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MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavour to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with.
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Infidel, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.
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AMNESTY, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.
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NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi.
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Friendship: A ship big enough for two in fair weather, but only one in foul.
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ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.
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Peace: A period of cheating between two periods of fighting.
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Bride, n. - A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
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Birth, n.: The first and direst of all disasters.
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SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.
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FUTURE, n.
That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
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ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
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TRUTHFUL, adj. Dumb and illiterate.
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Think twice before you speak to a friend in need
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MAN, n.
An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.
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POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
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Cribbage, n. A substitute for conversation among those to whom nature has denied ideas.
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Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion - thus:
Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man.
Minor Premise: One man can dig a post-hole in sixty seconds; Therefore-
Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post-hole in one second.
This may be called syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed.
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War: A by-product of the arts of peace.
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Idiot - A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line.
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CLAIRVOYANT, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.
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Humanity, n. The human race, collectively, exclusive of the anthropoid poets.
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GRAPESHOT, n. An argument which the future is preparing in answer to the demands of American Socialism.
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Alone, adj. In bad company.
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JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.
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HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
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It has been observed
that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of
others from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that
the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
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Dictionary, n. A malevolent literacy device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic.
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Reality, n. The dream of a mad philosopher.
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Grammar, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet of the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction.
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AMATEUR, n. A public nuisance who mistakes taste for skill, and confounds his ambition with his ability.
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RADICALISM, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the affairs of to-day.
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OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard.
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Aphorism, n. Predigested wisdom.
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PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy or opponent after an imaginary encounter with oneself.
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ADAGE, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth.
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Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.
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Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.
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The pig is taught by sermons and epistles
To think the God of Swine has snout and bristles.
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NOVEL, n. A short story padded
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GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good reason.
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PLATITUDE, n. The fundamental element and special glory of popular literature. A thought that snores in words that smoke. The wisdom of a million fools in the diction of a dullard. A fossil sentiment in artificial rock. A moral without the fable. All that is mortal of a departed truth. A demi-tasse of milk-and-mortality. The Pope's-nose of a featherless peacock. A jelly-fish withering on the shore of the sea of thought. The cackle surviving the egg. A desiccated epigram.
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MATERIAL, adj. Having an actual existence, as distinguished from an imaginary one. Important.
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ALONE, adj. In bad company.
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Pessimism n.
A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile.
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Observatory
n, A place where astronomers conjecture away
the guesses of their predecessors.
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Hypocrite, n. One who, professing virtues that he does not respect, secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises.
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Responsibility, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or oneβs neighbor. In the days of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star.
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ANIMAL, n. An organism which, requiring a great number of other animals for its sustenance, illustrates in a marked way the bounty of Providence in preserving the lives of his creatures.
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ABSENCE, n. That which "makes the heart grow fonder" β of absence. Absence of mind is the cerebral condition essential to success in popular preaching. It is sometimes termed lack of sense.
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AUTHENTIC, adj. Indubitably true β in somebody's opinion.
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Preference, n. A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the erroneous belief that one thing is better than another.
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IRRELIGION, n. The principal one of the great faiths of the world.
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Δ°ki cinsin katΔ±lΔ±mΔ±nΔ± gerektiren danslarΔ±n iki ortak ΓΆzelliΔi vardΔ±r: Dikkat Γ§ekici biΓ§imde masumdurlar ve niyeti kΓΆtΓΌ olanlar tarafΔ±ndan sevilirler.
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OBSOLETE, adj. No longer used by the timid. Said chiefly of words. A word which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafter an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer, but if it is a good word and has no exact modern equivalent equally good, it is good enough for the good writer. Indeed, a writer's attitude toward "obsolete" words is as true a measure of his literary ability as anything except the character of his work. A dictionary of obsolete and obsolescent words would not only be singularly rich in strong and sweet parts of speech; it would add large possessions to the vocabulary of every competent writer who might not happen to be a competent reader.
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ADAMANT, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in solicitate of gold.
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BANG, n. The cry of a gun. That arrangement of a woman's hair which suggests the thought of shooting her; hence the name.
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Destiny, n. A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure.
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ALCOHOL, n. (Arabic al kohl, a paint for the eyes.) The essential principle of all.
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IDLENESS, n. A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices.
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HABIT, n. A shackle for the free.
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ECCENTRICITY, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it to accentuate their incapacity.
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Wall street, n. a symbol of sin for every devil to rebuke. That wall street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in heaven
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MYTHOLOGY, n. The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later.
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But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
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EMBALM, v.i. To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which it feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their once fertile and populous country barren and incapable of supporting more than a meagre crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step in the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be ornamenting his neighbour's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table as a bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility. We shall get him after awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime, the violet and rose are languishing for a nibble at his gluteus maximus.
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INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction.
Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue
And one in white, together drew
And having each a pleasant sense
Of t'other powder's excellence,
Forsook their jackets for the snug
Enjoyment of a common mug.
So close their intimacy grew
One paper would have held the two.
To confidences straight they fell,
Less anxious each to hear than tell;
Then each remorsefully confessed
To all the virtues he possessed,
Acknowledging he had them in
So high degree it was a sin.
The more they said, the more they felt
Their spirits with emotion melt,
Till tears of sentiment expressed
Their feelings. Then they effervesced!
So Nature executes her feats
Of wrath on friends and sympathetes
The good old rule who won't apply,
That you are you and I am I.
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FRIENDSHIP, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but only one in foul.
The sea was calm and the sky was blue;
Merrily, merrily sailed we two.
(High barometer maketh glad.)
On the tipsy ship, with a dreadful shout,
The tempest descended and we fell out.
(O the walking is nasty bad!)
Armit Huff Bettle
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DULLARD, n. A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life. The Dullards came in with Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy have overrun the habitable world. The secret of their power is their insensibility to blows; tickle them with a bludgeon and they laugh with a platitude. The Dullards came originally from Boeotia, whence they were driven by stress of starvation, their dullness having blighted the crops. For some centuries they infested Philistia, and many of them are called Philistines to this day. In the turbulent times of the Crusades they withdrew thence and gradually overspread all Europe, occupying most of the high places in politics, art, literature, science and theology. Since a detachment of Dullards came over with the Pilgrims in the _Mayflower_ and made a favorable report of the country, their increase by birth, immigration, and conversion has been rapid and steady. According to the most trustworthy statistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is but little short of thirty millions, including the statisticians. The intellectual centre of the race is somewhere about Peoria, Illinois, but the New England Dullard is the most shockingly moral.
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LEXICOGRAPHER, n. A pestilent fellow who, under the pretense of recording some particular stage in the development of a language, does what he can to arrest its growth, stiffen its flexibility and mechanize its methods. For your lexicographer, having written his dictionary, comes to be considered "as one having authority," whereas his function is only to make a record, not to give a law. The natural servility of the human understanding having invested him with judicial power, surrenders its right of reason and submits itself to a chronicle as if it were a statue. Let the dictionary (for example) mark a good word as "obsolete" or "obsolescent" and few men thereafter venture to use it, whatever their need of it and however desirable its restoration to favor β whereby the process of improverishment is accelerated and speech decays. On the contrary, recognizing the truth that language must grow by innovation if it grow at all, makes new words and uses the old in an unfamiliar sense, has no following and is tartly reminded that "it isn't in the dictionary" β although down to the time of the first lexicographer (Heaven forgive him!) no author ever had used a word that was in the dictionary. In the golden prime and high noon of English speech; when from the lips of the great Elizabethans fell words that made their own meaning and carried it in their very sound; when a Shakespeare and a Bacon were possible, and the language now rapidly perishing at one end and slowly renewed at the other was in vigorous growth and hardy preservation β sweeter than honey and stronger than a lion β the lexicographer was a person unknown, the dictionary a creation which his Creator had not created him to create.
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