Rita Rudner Quotes

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives.

When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

When I met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' on what? On fire?

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married adn I didn't want him to.

My mother buried three husbands...and two of them were only napping.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire?”     —Rita Rudner Long

I don't panic when I get lost. I just change where I want to go.

The airline oxygen masks don't really help you. They're just there to muffle the screams.

When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always.

It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner

Hands-Off Parenting Envy the kangaroo. That pouch setup is extraordinary: The baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch, and proceeds to mature. I’d have a baby if it would develop in my handbag. RITA RUDNER

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping." -Rita Rudner

I’ve been in tapings that went seven hours. To quote comedian Rita Rudner about long labors, I don’t even want to do anything I like for seven hours.

I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.