Matthias Helvar Quotes

I am grateful you're alive", he said. "I am grateful that you're beside me. I am grateful that you're eating." She rested her head on his shoulder. "You're better that waffles, Matthias Helvar." A small smile curled the Fjerdan's lips. "Let's not say things we don't mean, my love.

I don't like this." "To be fair, Matthias, you don't like much.

They were twin souls, soldiers destined to fight for different sides, to find each other and lose each other too quickly. She would not keep him here. Not like this.

Where do you think the money went?” he repeated. “Guns?” asked Jesper. “Ships?” queried Inej. “Bombs?” suggested Wylan. “Political bribes?” offered Nina. They all looked at Matthias. “This is where you tell us how awful we are,” she whispered. He shrugged. “They all seem like practical choices.

I promise, Matthias. I'll take you home." "Nina," he said, pressing her hand to his heart. "I am already home.

You’re better than waffles, Matthias Helvar.” A small smile curled the Fjerdan’s lips. “Let’s not say things we don’t mean, my love.

They fear you as I once feared you,” he said. “As you once feared me. We are all someone’s monster, Nina.

The life you live, the hate you feel—it’s poison. I can drink it no longer.

Jesper: “If Pekka Rollins kills us all, I’m going to get Wylan’s ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute just so that I can annoy the hell out of your ghost.” Kaz: “I’ll just hire Matthias’ ghost to kick your ghost’s ass.” Matthias: “My ghost won’t associate with your ghost.

Why does the brave druskelle Matthias Helvar eat no meat? 'Tis a sad story indeed, my child. His teeth were winnowed away by a vexatious Grisha, and now he can eat only pudding.

Farvell,” she said in Fjerdan. “May Djel watch over you until I can once more.

Nina is everything you say. It’s too much.” “Mmm,” Inej murmured, taking a sip from her mug. “Maybe you’re just not enough.

I wonder what Matthias would have to say about that outfit.” “He wouldn’t approve.” “He doesn’t approve of anything about you. But when you laugh, he perks up like a tulip in fresh water.” Nina snorted. “Matthias the tulip.” “The big, brooding, yellow tulip.

Nina screamed, a howl that tore from the black space where her heart had beat only moments before. She searched for his pulse, for the light and force that had been Matthias.

You’re better than waffles, Matthias Helvar.” A small smile curled the Fjerdan’s lips. “Let’s not say things we don’t mean, my love.

What is he doing?” asked Matthias. “Performing an ancient Zemeni ritual,” Kaz said. “Really?” “No.

Matthias knew monsters, and one glance at Kaz Brekker had told him this was a creature who had spent too long in the dark–he’d brought something back with him when he’d crawled into the light.

Matthias joined them at the table. “The Shu woman we faced was stronger than me, Jesper, and Wylan put together.” “You heard right,” said Jesper. “Stronger than Wylan.

You aren’t a flower, you’re every blossom in the wood blooming at once. You are a tidal wave. You’re a stampede. You are overwhelming.

Anything else?” asked Matthias. “I like singing,” said Alys. Wylan shook his head frantically, mouthing, No, no, no. “Shall I sing?” Alys asked hopefully. “Bajan says that I’m good enough to be on the stage.” “Maybe we save that for later—” suggested Jesper. Alys’ lower lip began to wobble like a plate about to break. “Sing,” Matthias blurted, “by all means, sing.” And then the real nightmare began. It wasn’t that Alys was so bad, she just never stopped. She sang between bites of food. She sang while she was walking through the graves. She sang from behind a bush when she needed to relieve herself. When she finally dozed off, she hummed in her sleep. “Maybe this was Van Eck’s plan all along,” Kaz said glumly when they’d assembled outside the tomb again. “To drive us mad?” said Nina. “It’s working.” Jesper shut his eyes and groaned. “Diabolical.

You must find a way to make peace," said Inej. "At least for a while." "This is not your concern," Matthias growled. Kaz stepped forward, his expression dangerous. "It is very much our concern. And watch your tone.

What’s the easiest way to steal a man’s wallet?” “Knife to the throat?” asked Inej. “Gun to the back?” said Jesper. “Poison in his cup?” suggested Nina. “You’re all horrible,” said Matthias. Kaz rolled his eyes. “The easiest way to steal a man’s wallet is to tell him you’re going to steal his watch. You take his attention and direct it where you want it to go. Hringkälla is going to do that job for us. The Ice Court will have to divert resources to monitoring guests and protecting the royal family. They can’t be looking everywhere at once. It’s the perfect opportunity to spring Bo Yul-Bayur.” Kaz pointed to the prison gate in the ringwall. “Remember what I told you at Hellgate, Nina?” “It’s hard to keep track of all your wisdom.

Nina, I am with you because you let me be with you. There is no greater honor than to stand by your side.

Maybe your stay in Hellgate was too short, Matthias. There's always more to lose.

We … uh … we were having a disagreement.” “I can see that. I have been very patient with all of this, Jesper, but I am at my limit. I want you down here before I count ten or I will tan your hide so you don’t sit for two weeks.” Colm’s head vanished back down the stairs. The silence stretched. Then Nina giggled. “You are in so much trouble.” Jesper scowled. “Matthias, Nina let Cornelis Smeet grope her bottom.” Nina stopped laughing. “I am going to turn your teeth inside out.” “That is physically impossible.” “I just raised the dead. Do you really want to argue with me?

Trickery is not my native tongue, but I may learn to speak it yet.

Do not be afraid. Fear is how they control you. Their’s so much in the world you don’t have to be afraid of, if only you would open your eyes.

Good," said Kaz, but the answer didn't come as quickly as Matthias might have expected. He fears for her, Matthias thought, and he does not like it. For once, he could sympathize with the demjin.

I know how strong you are, Nina. My death will not be the thing that defeats you.

It’s good to feel foolish sometimes, Fjerdan.” “You only say that because you have no shame.

Wylan summoned every bit of bravado he'd learned from Nina, the will he'd learned from Matthias, the focus he'd studied in Kaz, the courage he'd learned from Inej, and the wild, reckless hope he'd learned from Jesper, the belief that no matter the odds, somehow they would win.

Do not be afraid. Fear is how they control you. There's so much in the world you don't have to be afraid of, if you would only open your eyes.

This isn’t about romance. A proper kiss, a proper courtship. There’s a way these things should be done.” “For proper thieves?” The corners of her beautiful mouth curled and for a moment he was afraid she would laugh at him, but she simply shook her head and drew even nearer. Her body was the barest breath from his now. The need to close that scrap of distance was maddening. “The first day you showed up at my house for this proper courtship, I would have cornered you in the pantry,” she said. “But please, tell me more about Fjerdan girls.” “They speak quietly. They don’t engage in flirtations with every single man they meet.” “I flirt with the women too.” “I think you’d flirt with a date palm if it would pay you any attention.” “If I flirted with a plant, you can bet it would stand up and take notice. Are you jealous?” “All the time.

Alys Van Eck waddled along beside him. Her blindfold had been removed, and through his long glass, Matthias could see her lips moving. Sweet Djel, is she still singing? Judging from the sour expression on Kaz's face, it was a distinct possibility.

I have been made to protect you. Even in death, I will find a way.” He clasped her hand tighter. “Bury me so I can go to Djel. Bury me so I can take root and follow the water north.” “I promise, Matthias. I’ll take you home.” “Nina,” he said, pressing her hand to his heart. “I am already home.” The light vanished from his eyes. His chest stilled beneath her hands. Nina screamed, a howl that tore from the black space where her heart had beat only moments before.

He'd found his way to her, despite the fatal wound, despite the pain he was in. For one last kiss, for a final goodbye.

She rested her head on his shoulder. “You’re better than waffles, Matthias Helvar.” A

Is that—?" asked Wylan. "Scheming face?" said Jesper. Matthias nodded. "Definitely.

Meeting you was a disaster.” She raised a brow. “Thank you.” Djel, he was terrible at this. He stumbled on, trying to make her understand. “But I am grateful every day for that disaster. I needed a cataclysm to shake me from the life I knew. You were an earthquake, a landslide.” “I,” she said, planting a hand on her hip, “am a delicate flower.” “You aren’t a flower, you’re every blossom in the wood blooming at once. You are a tidal wave. You’re a stampede. You are overwhelming.

Zoya stared up at Nina in wonder. “You’re alive,” she said. Her gaze slid to Matthias, thrashing like the biggest, angriest butterfly ever pinned to a page. “And you’ve made a new friend.

Closer, drüskelle,” she crooned, taunting. He threw an arm over her, hooking her back against his chest. She let out a startled oof and shifted uneasily. “Stop moving,” he muttered. He’d been close to girls—not many, it was true—but none of them had been like her. She was indecently round. “You’re cold and clammy,” she complained with a shiver. “It’s like lying next to a burly squid.” “You told me to get closer!

Stay till the end. " "And after, and always." "I want to feel safe again. I want to go home to Ravka. " "Then I'll take you there. We'll set fire to raisins or whatever you heathens do for fun. " "Zealot." "Witch." "Barbarian.

Matthias, your country can kiss my fat Grisha ass.

Do you know what Van Eck’s problem is?” “No honor?” said Matthias. “Rotten parenting skills?” said Nina. “Receding hairline?” offered Jesper. “No,” said Kaz. “Too much to lose. And he gave us a map to what to steal first.

He turned to Nina and said in Fjerdan, “Do not let them cow you. You are not the girl you were. You are not just a soldier to command.” “So why do I feel like finding a corner to sob in?” “This is a round room. There are no corners.

Simple as that,” said Nina. “Did you know I’m next in line for the Fjerdan throne? They call me Princess Ilse of Engelsberg.” “There is no princess of Engelsberg,” said Matthias. “It’s a fishing town.” Nina shrugged. “If we’re going to lie to ourselves, we might as well be grand about it.

What did she say?” asked Matthias. Nina coughed and took his arm, leading him away. “She said you’re a very nice fellow, and a credit to the Fjerdan race. Ooh, look, blini! I haven’t had proper blini in forever.” “That word she used: babink,” he said. “You’ve called me that before. What does it mean?” Nina directed her attention to a stack of paper-thin buttered pancakes. “It means sweetie pie.” “Nina—” “Barbarian.” “I was just asking, there’s no need to name-call.” “No, babink means barbarian.” Matthias’ gaze snapped back to the old woman, his glower returning to full force. Nina grabbed his arm. It was like trying to hold on to a boulder. “She wasn’t insulting you! I swear!” “Barbarian isn’t an insult?” he asked, voice rising. “No. Well, yes. But not in this context. She wanted to know if you’d like to play Princess and Barbarian.” “It’s a game?” “Not exactly.” “Then what is it?” Nina couldn’t believe she was actually going to attempt to explain this. As they continued up the street, she said, “In Ravka, there’s a popular series of stories about, um, a brave Fjerdan warrior—” “Really?” Matthias asked. “He’s the hero?” “In a manner of speaking. He kidnaps a Ravkan princess—” “That would never happen.” “In the story it does, and”—she cleared her throat—“they spend a long time getting to know each other. In his cave.” “He lives in a cave?” “It’s a very nice cave. Furs. Jeweled cups. Mead.” “Ah,” he said approvingly. “A treasure hoard like Ansgar the Mighty. They become allies, then?” Nina picked up a pair of embroidered gloves from another stand. “Do you like these? Maybe we could get Kaz to wear something with flowers. Liven up his look.” “How does the story end? Do they fight battles?” Nina tossed the gloves back on the pile in defeat. “They get to know each other intimately.” Matthias’ jaw dropped. “In the cave?” “You see, he’s very brooding, very manly,” Nina hurried on. “But he falls in love with the Ravkan princess and that allows her to civilize him—” “To civilize him?” “Yes, but that’s not until the third book.” “There are three?” “Matthias, do you need to sit down?” “This culture is disgusting. The idea that a Ravkan could civilize a Fjerdan—” “Calm down, Matthias.” “Perhaps I’ll write a story about insatiable Ravkans who like to get drunk and take their clothes off and make unseemly advances toward hapless Fjerdans.” “Now that sounds like a party.” Matthias shook his head, but she could see a smile tugging at his lips. She decided to push the advantage. “We could play,” she murmured, quietly enough so that no one around them could hear. “We most certainly could not.” “At one point he bathes her.” Matthias’ steps faltered. “Why would he—” “She’s tied up, so he has to.” “Be silent.” “Already giving orders. That’s very barbarian of you. Or we could mix it up. I’ll be the barbarian and you can be the princess. But you’ll have to do a lot more sighing and trembling and biting your lip.” “How about I bite your lip?” “Now you’re getting the hang of it, Helvar.

She looked into his eyes. “Well?” “I don’t feel anything,” he said. His voice sounded embarrassingly hoarse. She arched a brow. “Nothing?” “What did you try to make me do?” “I’m trying to compel you to kiss me.” “That’s foolish.” “Why is that?” “Because I always want to kiss you,” he admitted.

Inej cleared her throat. “You do look a bit …” “Enchanting,” said Matthias. Nina was about to snap that she didn’t appreciate the sarcasm when she saw the expression on his face. He looked like someone had just given him a tuba full of puppies. “You could be a maiden on the first day of Roennigsdjel.” “What is Roennigsdjel?” asked Kuwei. “Some festival,” replied Nina. “I can’t remember. But I’m pretty sure it involves eating a lot of elk. Let’s go, you big goon—and I’m supposed to be your sister, stop looking at me like that.” “Like what?” “Like I’m made of ice cream.” “I don’t care for ice cream.” “Matthias,” Nina said, “I’m not sure we can continue to spend time together.” But she couldn’t quite keep the satisfaction from her voice. Apparently she was going to have to stock up on ugly knitwear.

Every morning he complained that she was impossible to wake. “It’s like trying to raise a corpse.” “The dead request five more minutes,” she would say, and bury her head in the furs.

Fine. But if Pekka Rollins kills us all, I'm going to get Wylan's ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute just so that I can annoy your ghost." "I'll just hire Matthias' ghost to kick your ghost's ass." "My ghost won't associate with your ghost.

We were all supposed to make it,” said Wylan softly.

But please, tell me more about Fjerdan girls. " "They speak quietly. They don't engage in flirtations with every single man they meet. " "I flirt with the woman too. " "I think you'd flirt with a date palm if it would pay you any attention. " "If I flirted with a plant, you can bet it would stand up and take notice.

Matthias was dreaming again... Dreaming of her.

Matthias put his head in his hands, imagining the havoc these low creatures were about to wreak on his country’s capital. “It’s one prisoner, Helvar,” said Kaz. “And a bridge,” Wylan put in helpfully. “And anything we have to blow up in between,” added Jesper. “Everyone shut up,” Matthias growled. Jesper shrugged. “Fjerdans.” “I don’t like any of this,” said Nina. Kaz raised a brow. “Well, at least you and Helvar found something to agree on.

She’d been so docile that Nina had become concerned. “Maybe she’s not getting enough blood to her brain?” she’d murmured to Matthias.

Matthias knew monsters, and one look at Kaz Brekker had told him this was a creature who had spent too long in the dark- he'd brought something back with him when he crawled in to the light.

Matthias, please." The sound of her voice, pleading with him. He'd dreamed of this. Sometimes she pleaded for mercy. Sometimes there were other things she begged for.

Remember what we've been through. Remember what we came here for.

He's a person like any other, driven by greed and blood and pain. You should understand that better than anyone.

She rested her head on his shoulder. "You're better than waffles, Matthias Helvar." A small smile curled the Fjerdan's lips. "Let's not say things we don't mean, my love.

I think you'd flirt with a date palm if it would pay you any attention." "If I flirted with a plant, you can bet it would stand up and take notice. Are you jealous?" "All the time.

What are you so afraid will happen? Afraid you might start to like me?” He said nothing. Despite her fatigue, she trotted ahead of him. “That’s it, isn’t it? You don’t want to like a Grisha. You’re scared that if you laugh at my jokes or answer my questions, you might start thinking I’m human. Would that be so terrible?” “I do like you.” “What was that?” “I do like you,” he said angrily. She’d beamed, feeling a well of pleasure erupt through her. “Now, really, is that so bad?” “Yes!” he roared. “Why?” “Because you’re horrible. You’re loud and lewd and . . . treacherous. Brum warned us that Grisha could be charming.” “Oh, I see. I’m the wicked Grisha seductress. I have beguiled you with my Grisha wiles!” She poked him in the chest. “Stop that.” “No. I’m beguiling you.” “Quit it.” She danced around him in the snow, poking his chest, his stomach, his side. “Goodness! You’re very solid. This is strenuous work.” He started to laugh. “It’s working! The beguiling has begun. The Fjerdan has fallen. You are powerless to resist me.

He and Nina had never exchanged gifts or rings; they’d had no possessions they shared. They had been wanderers and soldiers. Even so, she could not leave him with nothing. From her pocket, she drew a slender sprig of ash and let it drift down into the grave, followed by a smattering of withered red petals from the tulips their compatriots had placed on his chest when they bid him goodbye in Ketterdam. “I know you never cared for sweets.” Her voice wobbled as she let a handful of toffees fall from her hand. They made a hollow patter. “But this way I’m with you, and you can keep them for me when I see you next. I know you won’t eat them yourself.

I'm superstitious, not stupid." "You can be both, you know, but that's hardly the point.

You’re better than waffles, Matthias Helvar.” A small smile curled the Fjerdan’s lips. “Let’s not say things we don’t mean, my love.

Fine. But if Pekka Rollins kills us all, I'm going to get Wylan's ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute just so that I can annoy the hell out of your ghost." Brekkers lips quirked. "I'll just hire Matthias' ghost to kick your ghost's ass." "My ghost won't associate with your ghost," Matthias said primly, and then wondered if the sea air was rotting his brain.

I am grateful you're alive,” he said. “I am grateful you're beside me. I am grateful that you're eating.” She rested her head on his shoulder. “You're better than waffles, Matthias Helvar.

Nina had wronged him, but she’d done it to protect her people. She’d hurt him, but she’d attempted everything in her power to make things right. She’d shown him in a thousand ways that she was honourable and strong and generous and very human, maybe more vividly human than anyone he’d ever known. And if she was, then Grisha weren’t inherently evil. They were like anyone else – full of the potential to do great good, and also great harm. To ignore that would make Matthias the monster. “The life you live, the hate you feel – it’s poison. I can drink it no longer.

Brum had warned Matthias that the world was full of liars, pleasure seekers, faithless heathens. And there seemed to be a concentration of them in this room.

Your enemies are my enemies, and I will stand with you against any foe-including this accursed drug.

Are all Grisha so immodest?” he asked defensively. “Boys and girls train side by side together in the First and Second Armies. There isn’t a lot of room for maidenly blushing.” “It’s not natural for women to fight.” “It’s not natural for someone to be as stupid as he is tall, and yet there you stand. Did you really swim all those miles just to die in this hut?” “It’s a lodge, and you don’t know that we swam miles.

Nina swallowed hard. She remembered those words and what they truly meant. 'I have been made to protect you. Only in death will I be kept from this oath.' It was the vow of the druskelle to Fjerda. And now it was Matthias' promise to her.

Our first kiss would be in a sunlit wood or under a starry sky after a village dance, not in a tomb or some dank basement with guards at the door.” “Let me get this straight,” Nina said. “You haven’t kissed me because the setting isn’t suitably romantic?” “This isn’t about romance . A proper kiss, a proper courtship. There’s a way these things should be done.

Maybe I should have come alone. You could go wait by the boat.” He stiffened. “Absolutely not. You have no idea what might be waiting for you. The Shu may have already gotten to your friends.” Nina did not want to think about that. “Then you need to calm down and try to look friendly.” Matthias shook out his arms and relaxed his features. “Friendly, not sleepy. Just … pretend everyone you meet is a kitten you’re trying not to scare.” Matthias looked positively affronted. “Animals love me.” “Fine. Pretend they’re toddlers. Shy toddlers who will wet themselves if you’re not nice.” “Very well, I’ll try.

How do you survive the Barrel? When they took everything from you, you found a way to make something from nothing.

We made it,” he said in wonder. “Djel performs miracles.” “You don’t deserve miracles,” said Matthias with a scowl. “You desecrated the sacred ash.” Kaz pushed to his feet, staggered slightly, drew in another shaky breath. “It’s a symbol, Helvar. If your god is so delicate, maybe you should get a new one. Let’s get out of here.

Now she looked at Matthias, his hair coming in thick and gold, long enough that it was just starting to curl over his ears. She loved the sight of him, and she hated it too. Because he wouldn’t give her what she wanted. Because he knew how badly she needed it.

Put your clothes back on!” She rolled her eyes. “I’m not going to freeze to death to preserve your sense of modesty.

Perhaps Djel extinguished one light and lit another.

There's so much in the world you don't have to be afraid of, if you would only open your eyes.

Stop treating your pain like it's something you imagined. If you see the wound is real, then you can heal it.

I understand you’re the reason we made it out of the harbor alive.” “I suspect there were a lot of reasons,” said Inej. “I’m a reason,” Jesper offered helpfully. “All the same,” said Matthias, ignoring him. “Thank you.” They moved on, and Jesper saw a pleased grin playing over Inej’s lips. “Surprised?” he asked. “A bit,” she admitted. “I spend so much time with Kaz. I guess—” “It’s a novelty to feel appreciated.

I promise, Matthias. I’ll take you home.” “Nina,” he said, pressing her hand to his heart. “I am already home.

I'm not afraid of you," he said irritably. "Then you're as stupid as you look.

Then Nina giggled. “You are in so much trouble.” Jesper scowled. “Matthias, Nina let Cornelis Smeet grope her bottom.” Nina stopped laughing. “I am going to turn your teeth inside out.” “That is physically impossible.” “I just raised the dead. Do you really want to argue with me?” “Inej cocked her head to one side. “Jesper Llewellyn Fahey?” “Shut up,” said Jesper. “It’s a family name.” Inej made a solemn bow. “Whatever you say, Llewellyn.

Nina tried to imagine what their wild crew must look like to these Fjerdans. What did they see as they poked their heads out of windows and doorways? A group of hooting kids clinging to a tank painted with the Fjerdan flag and charging along like some deranged float gone astray from its parade; a girl in purple silk and a boy with red-gold curls poking out from behind the guns; four soaked people holding tight to the sides for dear life – a Shu boy in prison clothes, two bedraggled drüskelle, and Nina, a half-naked girl in shreds of teal chiffon shouting, “We have a moat!

Back at the treasury Mattias had said, 'He's one of us'. She liked that word. Us. A word without divisions or borders. It seemed full of hope.

I don’t like speculation,” said Matthias. “Of course you don’t. You like things you can see. Like piles of snow and benevolent tree gods.

I have been made to protect you. Only in death will I be kept from this oath

I like doing my hair.” Matthias gave Nina a meaningful look. She scowled. “Why do you assume I know how to arrange hair?” “Because yours always looks so nice.” “Wait,” said Jesper. “Is he being charming?” He peered at Matthias. “How do we know this isn’t an impostor?

All this to be a witchhunter?" Kaz said behind him. "The Dregs need a better initiation." "This is only one part of Hringskalla." "Yes, I know, then a tree tells you the secret handshake." "I feel sorry for you, Brekker. There is nothing sacred in your life." There was a long pause, and then Kaz said "You're wrong.

Nina remembered the first time she'd seen Matthias in a moonlit Kaelish wood. His beauty had seemed unfair to her. In another life, she might have believed he was coming to rescue her, a shining saviour with golden hair and eyes the pale blue of northern glaciers. But she'd known the truth of him by the language he spoke, and by the disgust on his face every time his eyes lighted on her. Matthias Helvar was a drüskelle, one of the Fjerdan witchhunters tasked with hunting down Grisha to face trial and execution, though to her he'd always resembled a warrior Saint, illuminated in gold.

When I’m rich,” Jesper said behind him. “I’m going somewhere I never have to see snow again. What about you, Wylan?” “I don’t know exactly.” “I think you should buy a golden piano-” “Flute.” “And play concerts on a pleasure barge. You can park it in the canal right outside your father’s house.” “Nina can sing,” Inej put in, “We’ll duet,” Nina amended. “Your father will have to move.” She did have a terrible singing voice. He hated that he knew that, but he couldn’t resist glancing over his shoulder. Nina’s hood had fallen back, and the thick waves of her hair had escaped her collar. Why do I keep doing that? He thought in a rush of frustration. It had happened aboard the ship, too. He’d tell himself to ignore her, and the next thing he knew his eyes would be seeking her out.

Were you always good at locks?” “No.” “How did you learn?” “The way you learn about anything. Take it apart.” “And the magic tricks?” Kaz snorted. “So you don’t think I’m a demon anymore?” “I know you’re a demon, but your tricks are human.” “Some people see a magic trick and say, ‘Impossible!’ They clap their hands, turn over their money, and forget about it ten minutes later. Other people ask how it worked. They go home, get into bed, toss and turn, wondering how it was done. It takes them a good night’s sleep to forget all about it. And then there are the ones who stay awake, running through the trick again and again, looking for that skip in perception, the crack in the illusion that will explain how their eyes got duped; they’re the kind who won’t rest until they’ve mastered that little bit of mystery for themselves. I’m that kind.” “You love trickery.” “I love puzzles. Trickery is just my native tongue.

We all carry our sins, Nina. I need you to live so I can atone for mine." "You can do that without me, you know." "I don't want to" "Matthias", she said. Running her fingers through the close crop of his hair. It hurt. The world hurt. Touching him hurt, but she still did it. She might not ever get to again. "I am not sorry" He took her hand and kissed her knuckles gently. She winced, but when he tried to pull away, she clutched him tighter. "Stay," she panted. Tears leaked from her eyes. "Still till the end." "And after," he said. "And always.

Closer, druskelle," she crooned, taunting. He threw an arm over her, hooking her back against his chest. She let out a startled oof and shifted uneasily. "Stop moving," he muttered. He'd been close to girls- not many, it was true- but none of them had been like her. She was indecently round. "You're cold and clammy," she complained with a shiver. "It's like lying next to a burly squid." "You told me to get closer!" "Ease up a bit," she instructed and when he did, she flipped over to face him. "What are you doing?" he asked, pulling back in a panic. "Relax, druskelle. This isn't where I have my way with you." His blue eyes narrowed. "I hate the way you talk.

You always hated my laugh.” “I loved your laugh, Nina. And your fierce warrior ’s heart. I might have loved you, too.” Might have. Once. Before she had betrayed him. Those words carved an ache into her chest. She knew she shouldn’t speak, but she couldn’t help herself. “And what did you do, Matthias? What did you do to me in your dreams?” The ship listed gently. The lanterns swayed. His eyes were blue fire. “Everything,” he said, as he turned to go. “Everything.

You don’t smell like roses any more,” he said, then wanted to kick himself. He shouldn’t be noticing her scent. “I probably smell like boat.” No, she smelled sweet, perfect like … “Toffee?” Her eyes slid away guiltily. “Kaz said to pack what we needed for the journey. A girl has to eat.” She reached into her pocket and drew out a bag of toffees. “Want one?” Yes. “No.” She shrugged and popped one in her mouth. Her eyes rolled back, and she sighed happily. “So good.” It was a humiliating epiphany, but he knew he could have watched her eat all day. This was one of the things he’d liked best about Nina – she savoured everything, whether it was a toffee or cold water from a stream or dried reindeer meat.

Disgusted with herself, she’d slipped beneath his blankets. Matthias always slept with his back to a wall, a habit from his days in Hellgate. She’d let her hands wander, seeking his pockets, trying to feel along the linings of his trousers. “Nina?” he’d asked sleepily. “I’m cold,” she said, her hands continuing their search. She pressed a kiss to his neck, then below his ear. She’d never let herself kiss him this way before. She’d never had the chance. They’d been too busy untangling the skein of suspicion and lust and loyalty that bound them together, and once she’d taken the parem … It was all she could think of, even now. The desire she felt was for the drug, not for the body she felt shift beneath her hands. She didn’t kiss his lips, though. She wouldn’t let parem take that from her too. He’d groaned slightly. “The others—” “Everyone is asleep.” Then he’d seized her hands. “Stop.” “Matthias—” “I don’t have it.” She yanked herself free, shame crawling over her skin like fire over a forest floor. “Then who does?” she hissed. “Kaz.” She stilled. “Are you going to creep into his bed?” Nina released a huff of disbelief. “He’d slit my throat.” She wanted to scream her helplessness. There would be no bargaining with Kaz. She couldn’t bully him the way she might have bullied Wylan or plead with him the way she mighthave managed Jesper. Fatigue came on suddenly, a yoke at her neck, the exhaustion at least tempering her frantic need. She rested her forehead against Matthias’ chest. “I hate this,” she said. “I hate you a little, drüskelle.” “I’m used to it. Come here.” He’d wrapped his arms around her and gotten her talking about Ravka, about Inej. He’d distracted her with stories, named the winds that blew across Fjerda, told her of his first meal in the drüskelle hall.