M Pilkington Quotes

I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for.

I always have a problem liking things that I'm told I should like. This has been the problem with most of the Wonders I have seen so far. The fact that this one is called the 'Great' Wall of China annoys me. I'll decide if it's great or not. It might end up being the 'All Right Wall of China' to me.

I always have a problem liking things I'm told I should like.

I sometimes wear headphones even though I’m not listening to anything just so I’m left alone. It’s the next best thing to wearing a ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign.

I’m useless in water. I wake up at night drowning in my own saliva.

I’ve tried counting sheep like everyone recommends, but what tends to happen is that my brain thinks it’s seen the same sheep twice and that messes up my count, and when I think there’s no more sheep to count, another three will come running along and startle me. Or just as I think I’ve finished counting, an elephant comes running in. By this point I’m wide awake.

One of my wisdom teeth is playing up. My dentist said it is known to happen with some people when they’re stressed. My teeth seem to know I’m stressed before I do. Maybe that’s why they’re called wisdom teeth.

A while back I heard bears have to stick leaves up their arse to stop ants crawling up there and biting them! I know the world is getting overpopulated but it isn’t that crowded that things have to live up an arse. No wonder Paddington Bear left Peru for London. When you’ve got bears wanting to leave the country it makes me wonder what I’m doing here.

group of people and handing her drink to her friend Lizzy. Lizzy nodded and smiled as Emma gestured that she was going outside. ‘I’m heading outside,’ Emma shouted into the phone as she began to weave her way through the crowds. ‘Can’t hear anything in here.’ After what seemed like a

I’m convinced the reason they don’t make James Bond movies anymore is because the stunts he used to do no longer impress us as people do that stuff on a wet Thursday afternoon in an office team building session. Even sweaty Pete from IT manages to get his fat arse into a jumpsuit so he can do a tandem jump with his head of

People always tell me I'm going to regret not having kids. But what if I have one and then I regret having it? Has anyone thought of that option?

I find I can get mundane jobs done pretty quickly when I’m in a mood. I often wash up pots if I’ve had an argument with Suzanne, and I do a thorough job in good time and then by the time I’ve finished I’ve calmed down. Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a link between the rise in divorce rates and the introduction of the dishwasher.

Either way, I’m standing you that mug[LB1].

Richard the director was talking to the cameraman and soundman so I thought that this was a good time to get out my toilet that I had taken with me. I say ‘toilet’; it was a camping chair that I had cut a hole into where I could place a bin bag. I went to my tent to get it to discover it wasn’t there. I went mad at Richard telling him that it wasn’t funny and wanted to know who had taken it. He said he didn’t know what I was talking about. I asked Wilder and he acted the same way. I then went and looked in every tent but couldn’t find it. I asked Wilder again and said if the others had told him to hide it he must tell me where as I had gone to a lot of trouble buying, altering and carrying it to the jungle. He took me into the woods where a path had already been cut and the chair set up. I thought he had done it especially for me until I noticed a small M&S bag next to the chair. Someone had already used it. I thought it may have been a joke and that the bag just contained soil so picked it up to check. I hadn’t even undone the knot fully when the stench hit me. Someone had used it.

I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation, Em,’ Lizzy said, joining them as the taxi drove off. Emma looked up at the top window of their rented

Emma’s free hand. ‘You’re far too sober for my liking. I’m in charge tonight, and whatever I say, goes. And I say drink!