“
Chemistry
From the middle Dutch boele, which
means lover, bully was a term
of endearment in the sixteenth century,
which meant that a feudal lord
could take the hand of his love
under the apple trees in spring
and exclaim: my bully, feeling
adrenaline flood his body as his heart
rate tripled and his palms began
to release water mixed with urea,
ammonia, salt. Essentially,
he could feel what I felt over four
centuries later when Ian Starkey
called me a fag. I was fourteen,
and the next day he kicked me twice,
spat in my face, took my glasses
and wouldn't give them back.
And the whole time sweat glands
were developing in our armpits and genitals,
and our adrenals were releasing
corticosteroids, and something
about testosterone was why, though
I hated him, I kept imagining
him with his shirt off. True,
Ian Starkey knew how to hurt me,
but I doubt he knew why he was doing it
or that we feel pain when neurons
in the brain convert an electrical
signal to a chemical signal and back
again, which is also what allows
us to feel a kiss or my brain
to take strange comfort imagining
all the boys of the world leaning into
the strong arms of their tormentors
in spring under the apple blossoms, saying
I forgive you, saying: I can never forgive you,
saying, my enemy, my bully, my love.
”
”