Harris Wittels Quotes

Death is beautiful, part of life... No, it is sad. It’s sad when anyone dies. Even though every single human dies. So it’s really not that sad.

Kevin Hart (@KevinHart4real) I’m watching the UCLA & FLORIDA game in amazement because I performed in the same arena where they are playing now & sold out #GodisGood Hey, let’s not make this about you, eh? Also, if God is real and we have the same one, and a big priority for him is making sure you sell out a show at a college basketball arena, then I want out.

Timothy Prior (@twestp) getting in shape for no good reason. #habit I have a habit of chasing cupcakes with cigarettes. I do not understand what you are saying.

Typically, part of being attractive is being skinny. It's just the standard we have created for ourselves for some reason. But here is the thing about people who humblebrag about being too skinny: I have a gut. So does America. So shut up. I know some people genuinely have a hard time putting on weight, but I have no sympathy for them. All I hear when you say that is that you can eat all the doughnuts you want. And all I want in life is that. I want so many of the doughnuts so much of the time.