Danish Way Of Parenting Quotes

Emotional honesty, not perfection, is what children truly need from their parents. Children

By not being authentic, you undermine your child’s ability to sense what is true and false. Kids

I believe adopting free unstructured play, within an appropriate framework, has rich potential in bringing up happy, well-balanced and resilient children.

The best gift you can give your children is to keep yourself emotionally, physically, spiritually and intellectually healthy.

Resilience isn’t cultivated by avoiding stress, you see, but by learning how to tame and master it.

When you substitute "we" for "I" even "illness" becomes "wellness".

Being aware of yourself and choosing your behavior is the first step towards powerful life change. This is how we become better people. This is how we become better parents.

Emotional honesty, not perfection, is what children truly need from their parents.

Happy kids grow up to be happy adults who raise happy kids, and so on.

Remember to distinguish the behavior from the child, because here isn't a bad child, just bad behavior.

Sometimes we forget that parenting, like love, is a verb.

Teach respect, be respectful and you will be respected

Children are constantly focused on their parents and will mirror them. Therefore, what they experience in the home will be crucial for their empathy development. Parents have a big responsibility because they are the primary example of empathy and must practice being empathic themselves.

The language we use is extremely powerful. It is the frame through which we perceive and describe ourselves and our picture of the world.

Feeling connected to others gives meaning and purpose to our lives.

Learning to act on intrinsic goals, such as improving relationships or engaging in hobbies you love, rather than on extrinsic goals, such as buying a new car, is what is proven to create true well-being.

Praise is closely connected to how kids view their intelligence. If they are constantly praised for being naturally smart, talented, or gifted (sound familiar?), they develop what is called a “fixed” mind-set (their intelligence is fixed and they have it).

In English it is called the “terrible twos,” whereas in Danish it is called trodsalder (the “boundary age”); children pushing boundaries is normal and welcomed, not annoying and terrible. When you see it that way, it is easier to welcome the misbehavior rather than seeing it as bad and deserving of punishment.

Emotional honesty, not perfection, is what children truly need from their parents. Children are always observing how you feel anger, joy, frustration, contentment, and success and how you express it in the world. We have to model honesty for our children and let them know that it is OK to feel all of their emotions.

Not only do we want to protect our children from stress, but we also want to build their self-confidence and make them feel special. The standard method of doing this is to praise them, sometimes excessively, for insignificant accomplishments. But in our quest to increase confidence and reduce stress, we may actually be setting them up for more stress in the long run. Building confidence rather than self-esteem is like making a nice house with little foundation. We all know what happens when the big bad wolf comes.

Good begets good. Calm begets calm. It isn´t the child who is bad; it is the action that is bad.

The language we use is extremely powerful. It is the frame through which we perceive and describe ourselves and our picture of the world.

PARENT—play, authenticity, reframing, empathy, no ultimatums, and togetherness—

to use more tempered, less severe language. Use less judgment and more acceptance, and you will find yourself in fewer power struggles with your kids and your partner.

Focus on what you can do, not on what you can't.

We can't change the way we were raised, but we can 100% change the way we raise our children.

If we change the way we see our children, the way they see themselves will change. Always look for the good.

Realistic optimists merely filter out unnecessary negative information.

Always think of your child's age. Every age has a "theme" of what can be expected from it. Children are not small adults.

Building confidence rather than self-esteem is like making a nice house with little foundation.

It's not mindfulness, it's we-fullness-the Danish art of Hygge

孩子不需要大人帶他們進行活動或玩玩具。大人愈放手讓孩子自己主導遊戲、運用想像力、自己想辦法，孩子就會做得愈好。孩子遊戲時學到的技能是無價之寶。我們太擔心孩子應該參加多少正規活動，也太煩惱他們學到多少東西，卻忘記讓孩子自由玩耍的重要性。別再懷有罪惡感，讓孩子玩，不代表父母失職。孩子缺的正是自由玩耍！

We sometimes think we are helping kids by pushing them to perform or learn faster, but leading them in the right moment of their development will yield much better results—not only because of the learning itself, which will surely be more pleasurable, but because the children will be more assured of the mastery of their skills, since they feel more in charge of acquiring them.

Allan Holmgren, a well-known Danish psychologist, believes that our reality is created in the language we use. All change involves a change in language. A problem is only a problem if it is referred to as a problem.

We agree to spend “Sunday dinner” in hygge. We all promise to help one another as a team in creating a cozy atmosphere where everyone feels safe and no one needs to have their guard up. We agree to try to . . . Turn off the phones and the iPads. Leave our drama at the door. There are other times to focus on our problems. Hygge is about creating a safe place to relax with others and leave the everyday stressors outside. Not complain unnecessarily.

Improve meaningful relationships Try using empathy to patch up some of your own relationships. Having fractured relationships has been proven to cause physical and psychological damage. Empathy and forgiveness activate the same region of the brain, which means the more you hone your empathy skills, the easier it is to forgive and be forgiven. Meaningful friend and family relationships are the most important factors determining true happiness, well above having a lot of money.

Being humble is a very important value in Denmark. This dates far back in history and is a part of the Danes’ cultural heritage. This value of humility is about knowing who you are so well that you don’t need others to make you feel important. Therefore, they try not to overload their children with compliments.

Talk with your children about how important honesty is in your family. Make it a value. Let them know you put more emphasis on honesty than on the punishment for bad behavior. If you confront your kids accusingly with anger or threats and are punitive when they misbehave, they might become afraid to tell the truth. If you make it safe for them, they will be honest. Remember, it takes a lot to confess or tell the truth for anyone at any age. It doesn’t always come naturally. It’s up to us to teach them to be courageous enough to be honest and vulnerable and confess when necessary. Be nonjudgmental. This kind of honest relationship, if fostered well, will be paramount during the teenage years.

The researchers discovered that there was a dramatic shift from an internal to an external locus of control in children of all ages, from elementary school to college. To give you an idea of how great a shift it was, young people in 1960 were 80 percent more likely to claim that they had control over their lives than children in 2002, who were more prone to say they lacked such personal control.

Be careful praising for failures or mistakes. Saying things like “Well done!” “You did your best!” “Better luck next time!” can be heard as pity. Focus on what they did accomplish and how it can be worked on—“I know you missed the goal, but it was very close! Let’s get out and practice next week so you’ll get it next time! Remember, practice is the key!” By focusing on the effort involved in learning, we create a growth mind-set.

Increasing our self-awareness and making conscious decisions about our actions and reactions are the first steps toward powerful life change. This is how we become better parents—and better people. And this is how we create a legacy of well-being to pass on to the next generations. Is there a greater gift you can give to your children and your children’s children than helping them grow up to be happier, more secure and resilient adults? We don’t think so. And we hope you’ll agree.

Groundbreaking research in neuroscience has revealed what scientists are calling the “social brain.” This is a brain region that lights up when we are engaged in social interactions. Matthew Lieberman, a social cognitive neuroscientist, writes: “This network comes on like a reflex and it directs us to think about other people’s minds, their thoughts, feelings and goals. It promotes understanding and empathy, cooperation and consideration.” Lieberman believes that we are wired not only for self-interest but also for the welfare of others.

Social groups are also a big part of Danish life. Called foreningsliv (or “association life”), these groups are based on a shared hobby or interest. The objective can be economic, political, academic, or cultural. Their function can be to change something in society, such as in a political association, or to express themselves in a way that meets the members’ social needs, such as in a choral society or a bridge club. Statistics show that 79 percent of Denmark’s business leaders have been active in associations before the age of thirty. Respectively, 94 percent, 92 percent, and 88 percent of managers with experience in associations believe that these years of involvement benefited their social skills and interpersonal skills and gave them a strong network. Ninety-nine percent of Denmark’s governors believe that participation in these voluntary associations promotes young people’s professional skills.

With fear, the child won’t always know the real reason he shouldn’t do something; he will merely want to avoid being hurt or yelled at. This doesn’t facilitate a strong sense of core self.

In the U.S., many parents believe that praising kids for how smart they are builds their confidence and motivation to learn. American parents tend to freely praise their children and others, believing it helps their confidence and development. But three decades of research done by Stanford psychologist Carol S. Dweck has proven otherwise. Praise is closely connected to how kids view their intelligence. If they are constantly praised for being naturally smart, talented, or gifted (sound familiar?), they develop what is called a “fixed” mind-set (their intelligence is fixed and they have it). In contrast, children who are told that their intelligence can be developed with work and education develop a growth mind-set (they can develop their skills because they are working very hard). Dweck’s findings show that kids who have a fixed mind-set, who have constantly been told they are smart, tend to care first and foremost about how they will be judged: smart or not smart. They become afraid to have to exert too much effort because effort makes them feel dumb. They believe that if you have the ability, you shouldn’t need to put in the effort. And since they have always been told they have the ability, they are afraid that by needing to really try hard to do something they will lose their status as “smart.

They believe that children fundamentally need space and trust to allow them to master things by themselves, to make and solve their own problems. This creates genuine self-esteem and self-reliance because it comes from the child’s own internal cheerleader, not from someone else.

proximal development,

This basically states that a child needs the right amount of space to learn and grow in the zones that are right for him or her, with the right amount of help.

If children feel too pressured, they can lose the joy in what they are doing, and this can lead to fear and anxiety. Instead, Danish parents try to meet children where they feel secure trying a new skill, and then challenge and invite them to go further or try something new, while it still feels exciting and strange.

Tips for Play Turn it off Turn off the TV and the electronics! Imagination is an essential ingredient for play to have its positive effects. Create an enriching environment Studies show that a sensory-rich environment coupled with play facilitates cortical growth in the brain. Having a variety of materials around that can stimulate all of the senses—visual, auditory, tactile, and so on—enhances brain development during play. Use art Children’s brains grow when they make art. Therefore, don’t show them how to do it—just put out the art supplies and let them create spontaneously. Let them explore outside Get them outside as much as possible to play in nature—the woods, the park, the beach, wherever. Try to find safe areas where you aren’t afraid to let them be free and explore the environment. These are places they can really use their imaginations and have fun. Mix children of different ages

Try to mix your children with children of different ages. This enhances the zone of proximal development, allowing one to facilitate the other’s learning, helping each get to a new level naturally. In this way, children learn to both star in the game as well as cooperate with the older ones. They learn to participate as well as challenge the game. This is teaching the self-control and negotiation skills so necessary in life. Let them be free and forget the guilt They don’t need an adult-led activity or specific toys. The more you can let them be in control of their own play, using their imagination and doing it themselves, the better they will get at it. The skills they are learning are invaluable. We are so caught up in worrying about how many organized activities our children are involved in or what they are learning that we are forgetting the importance of letting them play freely. Stop feeling guilty that letting them play means you aren’t parenting. Free play is what they are missing! Be real If you want to play with your kids, you must be

100 percent real in what you do. Don’t be afraid to look silly. Let them guide. Stop worrying about what others think of you or what you think of yourself. Get down on their level and try to let go for even twenty minutes a day if this is difficult for you. Even a little playtime on their level is worth more than any toy you could buy. Let them play alone too Playing alone is extremely important for kids. When they play with their toys, it is often their way of processing new experiences, conflicts, and everyday events in their lives. By engaging in fantasy play and using different voices, they can reenact what is happening in their world, which is hugely therapeutic. It is also great for developing their fantasy and imagination. Create an obstacle course Try building obstacle courses with small stools and mattresses, or by any other means create space in the home so that children can move about and use their imagination. Let them be free to play and climb and explore and create—and don’t stress over it.

Get other parents involved Get other parents involved in the healthy play movement. The more parents who practice it, the more kids can be free to play together in non-adult-led activities. Pediatricians in the U.S. have developed guidelines to persuade parents that play is healthy. It is valuable for children and should be encouraged and discussed with others. Avoid intervening too quickly Try not to judge the other kids too harshly and intervene too quickly because you want to protect your kids from others. Sometimes it is learning how to deal with the more difficult children that provides them the biggest lessons in self-control and resilience. Let go Let your kids do things by themselves. When you feel the need to “save” them, step back and take a breath. Remember that they are learning some of the most important skills to take them through life.

For Danes, authenticity begins with an understanding of our own emotions. If we teach our children to recognize and accept their authentic feelings, good or bad, and act in a way that’s consistent with their values, the challenges and rough patches in life won’t topple them. They will know that they have acted in accordance with what feels right. They will know how to recognize their own limits

future. Acknowledging and accepting all emotions, even the hard ones, early on makes it easier to maneuver in the world.

For example, if a Danish child scribbles a drawing very quickly and gives it to her parent, the parent probably wouldn’t say, “Wow! Great job! You are such a good artist!” She is more likely to ask about the drawing itself. “What is it?” “What were you thinking about when you drew this?” “Why did you use those colors?” Or perhaps she would just say thank you if it was a gift.

10. Highlight your unique and authentic perspective, and your child’s, by saying “for me” Try adding “for me” after a sentence to emphasize your understanding that your experience of a given situation isn’t necessarily the same as your child’s. For example, if you have an argument with your child about food being too hot, it is important to remember that although it isn’t too hot for you, it may be too hot for her. Saying, “The food isn’t too hot for me,” lets her know that you understand this. Or instead of saying, “The weather isn’t cold,” you could say, “The weather isn’t cold for me.”This respect for individual experience builds trust and respect—and helps kids recognize and honor their own experience.

you put more emphasis on honesty than on the punishment for bad behavior. If you confront your kids accusingly with anger or threats and are punitive when they misbehave, they might become afraid to tell the truth. If you make it safe for them, they will be honest. Remember, it takes a lot to confess or tell the truth for anyone at any age. It doesn’t always come naturally. It’s up to us to teach them to be courageous enough to be honest and vulnerable and confess when necessary. Be nonjudgmental. This kind of honest relationship, if fostered well, will be paramount during the teenage years. Read stories that encompass all emotions Read all kinds of stories to your child. Don’t be afraid if they don’t all have happy endings. Actively choose stories that have difficult topics too, and stories that don’t conclude in a “storybook” way. Children learn a lot from sadness and tragedy (being age appropriate, of course), and they open up honest communication between you about different aspects of life that are just as important as the prince getting the princess. Being exposed to peaks and valleys of life encourages empathy, resilience, and feelings of meaningfulness and gratitude for our own lives.

Use process praise Remember that the most meaningful and useful praise is based on quality, not quantity. Keep the praise focused on the process or effort children put in rather than on innate abilities: “You studied hard for your test, and your improvement shows it. You went over the material many times, made cue cards, and quizzed yourself. That really worked!”     Try to come up with some more examples of process praise. Practice makes perfect—the more you try to use process praise, the better you will get at it. See if you can avoid saying, “You are so smart.” By focusing on the effort involved, you will give your children the tools to understand that it is the perseverance, not the innate ability, that matters most. In the long run, they will have stronger self-esteem because of it. Don’t use praise as a default response Don’t overuse praise for things that are too easy. This can teach your child that he is only praiseworthy when he completes a task quickly, easily, and perfectly, and that does not help him embrace challenges. If, for example, a child gets an A easily without much effort, try saying, “Well that was

too easy for you! Why don’t we try doing something more challenging that you can learn from?” The goal is not to make easily performed tasks the basis for our admiration. Focus on effort—and keep it genuine Be careful praising for failures or mistakes. Saying things like “Well done!” “You did your best!” “Better luck next time!” can be heard as pity. Focus on what they did accomplish and how it can be worked on—“I know you missed the goal, but it was very close! Let’s get out and practice next week so you’ll get it next time! Remember, practice is the key!” By focusing on the effort involved in learning, we create a growth mind-set. This mind-set is helpful in all aspects of life, from work to relationships. 9. Teach children not to compare themselves with others They need to realize themselves whether they did their best on a project or if they feel they can do more. Not everyone can be the best at everything, but you can be the best for yourself. This focus, as opposed to competing with others, fosters well-being. 10.

Some examples of process praise: “I like the way you tried putting the puzzle pieces together again and again. You didn’t give up and you found a way to put it together!

Kids with a growth mind-set, alternatively, tend to care about learning. Those who have been encouraged to focus on their efforts rather than on their intelligence see effort as a positive thing. It sparks their intelligence and

You practiced that dance so many times and the effort really showed today! You danced really well!” “I am so proud of you for how you shared your snack with your brother. It makes me so happy to see you sharing.” “It was a long, difficult assignment, but you stayed at it and got it done. I am so proud of you for how you stayed focused and kept working. Well done!

how we calibrate our internal compasses to set ourselves in the right direction. Answer with honesty If your kids ask a question, give them an honest answer. Of course, your answer has to be age appropriate and commensurate with their level of understanding. Being sincere in your responses is important in all aspects of life, even the difficult ones. By not being authentic, you undermine your child’s ability to sense what is true and false. Kids are incredible lie detectors, and they can feel unstable if you are being fake. Use examples from your own childhood Whether it’s the doctor’s office or a difficult situation or just a fun time, kids like to hear about your experiences and how you felt when you were little, particularly when it’s true and heartfelt. This gives them a better understanding of who you are and lets them know that their situation is normal even if they are scared, happy, or sad. Teach honesty Talk with your children about how important honesty is in your family. Make it a value. Let them know

Tips for Authenticity Root out self-deception Be honest with yourself first and foremost. Learn how to look at your own life authentically. Being able to detect and define your own emotions and how you truly feel is a huge milestone. Teaching emotional honesty to your kids and preventing them from becoming self-deceptive is a great gift. Listening to and expressing one’s own true thoughts and feelings is what keeps us on the right track to going after what makes us happy in life. Being honest with ourselves

Play helps children develop many essential life skills. Resilience, coping and negotiation skills, and self-control are just a few of the valuable lessons learned in unstructured play—as well as stress management, which lowers children’s chances of struggling with anxiety as adults. Play helps develop an internal locus of control, giving kids confidence in their own capabilities, which powerfully lays the groundwork for happiness. Authenticity helps children develop a strong internal compass because they learn to trust their emotions. Teaching honesty to ourselves and to our children fosters a strong character value. And remember that all emotions are OK. Furthermore, different types of praise affect children differently in terms of how they come to see themselves in the world. Giving empty praise or focusing too much on being smart can set kids up for feeling insecure and risk-averse. By engaging in process praise, we foster a growth mind-set rather than a

Reframing is a powerful way to change our children’s perceptions about life—and our own. How we choose to see things affects the way we feel things. Realistic optimists don’t ignore negative information; rather, they simply focus on the other information at hand to write a richer, more loving story about themselves, their children, and life in general. Reframing can change our experience of the world, and it makes our own and our children’s lives happier in the process. Passing on the skill of reframing to our children may be one of the greatest gifts we can give, fostering future happiness for them and for following generations. Empathy is an essential, and essentially human, tendency. While the level of empathy in our society has dropped and the level of narcissism has increased, research shows that we are wired more for empathy than for selfishness. By being less judgmental and shaming, we can better understand the vulnerability in ourselves and in others, which brings us closer together, forging deeper,

No Ultimatums is a reminder that power struggles can lead us to lose our temper. Many parents scream or use physical punishment as a form of discipline. We lose control, and yet we expect our children not to. In an authoritarian parenting style, trust and closeness with their kids is replaced with fear. It works in the short term but can have consequences in the long run. The Danish, more diplomatic parenting style fosters trust and resilience in children. Kids who feel respected and understood, who in turn are helped to understand and respect rules, develop a much stronger sense of self-control and ultimately grow up to be happier, more emotionally stable adults. Togetherness and Hygge are ways of fostering our closest relationships, which are one of the biggest predictors of a person’s happiness. By learning how to hygge, or cozy around, we can improve our family get-togethers to make them more pleasant and memorable experiences for our kids.

Hitting or biting others is unacceptable, and in those cases, you should be firm and hold the child and tell her “No!” forcefully. Have her look at you and give you an apology sound and a caress so she learns the meaning of sorry and the nonuse of physicality early on. Remember, this needs to happen fast, because children forget in an instant what they did. You have to deal with that behavior directly in the moment. They may not understand the meaning of sorry in the beginning, but with time and learning to empathize they will.

Put a little of everything on your children’s plates, and let them eat their food as they wish. Food situations should be nice and cozy above all, not marked by tension and focused on the fact that children have to eat.

We must remain calm as parents and try not to lose control of ourselves, when we become parents. For how can we expect our kids to control themselves if we can’t do it? That seems unfair.

I am touched by your kindness and loving comments on how the messages from the Danish way of Parenting - which comes from my heart - have changed your and your children's lives. Each and every one I keep in my personal treasure chest. Your support means everything.

When your kids get excited, let them have that feeling and share the excitement with them. Sharing makes it bigger.

Life consists of many different stories. A person has not just one but countless life stories that weave in between each other and together create exactly that specific life and that specific human being.

Traditions are important because they connect people. And we all need to feel a part of something bigger. Family values can be converted into powerful routines and create strong and meaningful traditions. Traditions don´t have to be BIG and time-consuming arrangements, instead it is the atmosphere and energy you decide to put into the arrangement that matters.

I am not impressed by money, social status or job title. I am impressed by the way someone treats other human beings.

Surround yourself with friends and family who want to practice empathy and kindness. New mothers and parents are the ones who can benefit enormously from this support - we all can.

Children do the best they can, with the resources they have!

The ability to reframe negative situations is a key element to being resilient.

Reframing is directly related to the language we use – both out loud and in our head. So not only does reframing change our brain chemistry, but it helps how we interpret pain, fear, anxiety, and the like. The same goes for our children.

I am touched by your kindness and loving comments on how the messages from the Danish way of Parenting - which comes from my heart - have changed your and your children's lives. Each and every one I keep in my personal treasure chest. Your support means everything!

The concept of togetherness and hygge has so many implications but essentially it is putting yourself aside for the benefit of the whole.

Being aware of yourself and choosing your behavior is the first step towards powerful life change.

Children's play is a way to express innate, spontaneous creativity.

Give children kindness, presence, and respect to help them develop a deeper sense of empathy. The art of seeing and meeting others as they are.

Rewrite your child´s narrative to be more loving. Make a list of your child´s most negative qualities and behaviors and write them out as sentence. Try focusing on the positive side to your children´s behavior so they feel appreciated for their uniqueness rather than labeled negatively.

Many people feel afraid of really opening up and being vulnerable because they don´t want to be judged or rejected. And, in this fear, many relationships get reduced to superficialities.

We so much want social connection that we become afraid to say something that might make another person reject us. And yet, being vulnerable and having empathy are the most connecting things we can practice.

Hygge" is like a good hug - but without the physical contact.

The Danish phenomenon “hygge" is about creating an atmosphere that is warm, relaxed, friendly, close, loving, comfortable and welcoming - a state of feeling connected and loved.

Empathy and joy of life are closely connected. For most of us, deep and intense moments of happiness are often, if not always, tied to deep and intense contact with others. Training our empathetic abilities is therefore also training joy of life.

Being in touch with reality but focusing on the more positive angles is being a realistic optimist. Realistic optimists merely filter out unnecessary negative information. They learn to tune out negative words and occurrences and develop a habit of interpreting ambiguous situations in a more positive manner.

Highlight your unique and authentic perspective, and your child´s, by saying “for me” Try adding “for me” after a sentence to emphasize your understanding that your experience of a given situation isn´t necessarily the same as your child´s.

The light in a child´s eyes is all it takes to make Christmas a magical time of the year.

Every child needs to be loved in gigantic quantities and with unbelievable quality.

Listening to and expressing one´s own true thoughts and feelings is what keeps us on the right track to going after what makes us happy in life. Being honest with ourselves is how we calibrate our internal compasses to set ourselves in the right direction.

Relations are borne by the people in them, and the child-adult relationship is borne primarily by the adult. The adult is the one who can provide the qualities he or she would like it to have. Therefore we have to develop our self-accord, our contact with our inner strength and judgment.

If we give our children sound self-love, they will be able to deal with whatever life puts before them.

Lot of kids would give up any material thing in exchange for real time to spend with their family and too many relatives think a “gift” is a substitute for that time. Too many toys prevent kids from fully developing their gift of imagination and sharing a moment together with a family member or a friend is often the best we can give our children.

Science indicates that our hearts have a much greater neurological and consciousness-wise importance as partner to our brain than anyone has earlier known. If we are anchored in our hearts while in contact with our children, and in our lives in every way, our reality becomes broader and more nuanced. Parents help children build and refine their knowledge and skills, charting a trajectory for their health and wellbeing during childhood and beyond.