Bill Burr Quotes

Realize that sleeping on a futon when you're 30 is not the worst thing. You know what's worse, sleeping in a king bed next to a wife you're not really in love with but for some reason you married, and you got a couple kids, and you got a job you hate. You'll be laying there fantasizing about sleeping on a futon. There's no risk when you go after a dream. There's a tremendous amount to risk to playing it safe.

It's not until you're an adult you appreciate how awesome a dog is. Your dreams start dying, somebody cheats on ya, bankers fuck up your 401k, ya know? Then you come home and that dog's looking at you and he's like, 'Dude, you're awesome!' It's like, 'No dude, YOU are fucking awesome!

Having a dick is one of the most dangerous things on the planet. How many people are eaten by sharks each year? How many guys lose everything they've got because of their dick? Yet the Discovery Channel has Shark week every other fucking month. Why doesn't it have Dick Week? That would be the scariest seven days in the history of television.

My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious.” - Bill Burr

When was the last time your dick came up with a good plan? Oh, it's got some great ideas, but when was the last time it came up with a good plan beyond "Do it"? That's your dick's entire plan: "Do it." Forget preparation, forget looking for possible pitfalls, forget everything. If your dick were a person, it would be on America's Dumbest Criminals.

Money can set you free or imprison you.

Three out of four marriages end in failure. If you were going skydiving and they told you three out of four parachutes won't open, would you still jump?

If everybody's conversations were recorded, would anyone have a job on Monday?

...you gotta get rid of this girl, alright? Is not gonna get any better, you did it a zillion times, you gotta go cold turky, you gotta cut her off, aright? 'cause what's gonna happen is if you stay with her, and you end up fucking getting feelings for her. she might fuck you over, and you've never loved her to begin with. Or you get married to her, and then the fucking looks go away, and you are with this fucking idiot who can't tell a joke, can't tell stories and listen to shitty music. And eventually you are gonna pull a Phil Spector, your hair is gonna be all over the place, you're gonna stick a gun in her mouth. It's gonna be horrible.

On paper, at least, none of this would necessarily stop us from getting a stimulus bill passed. After all, Democrats enjoyed a seventy-seven-seat majority in the House and a seventeen-seat majority in the Senate. But even in the best of circumstances, trying to get the largest emergency spending bill in history through Congress in record time would be a little like getting a python to swallow a cow. I also had to contend with a bit of institutionalized procedural mischief—the Senate filibuster—which in the end would prove to be the most chronic political headache of my presidency. The filibuster isn’t mentioned anywhere in the Constitution. Instead, it came into being by happenstance: In 1805, Vice President Aaron Burr urged the Senate to eliminate the “motion to proceed”—a standard parliamentary provision that allows a simple majority of any legislature to end debate on a piece of business and call for a vote. (Burr, who seems never to have developed the habit of thinking things through, reportedly considered the rule a waste of time.) It didn’t take long for senators to figure out that without a formal way to end debate, any one of them could bring Senate business to a halt—and thereby extract all sorts of concessions from frustrated colleagues—simply by talking endlessly and refusing to surrender the floor. In 1917, the Senate curbed the practice by adopting “cloture,” allowing a vote of two-thirds of senators present to end a filibuster. For the next fifty years the filibuster was used only sparingly—most notably by southern Democrats attempting to block anti-lynching and fair-employment bills or other legislation that threatened to shake up Jim Crow. Gradually, though, the filibuster became more routinized and easier to maintain, making it a more potent weapon, a means for the minority party to get its way. The mere threat of a filibuster was often enough to derail a piece of legislation. By the 1990s, as battle lines between Republicans and Democrats hardened, whichever party was in the minority could—and would—block any bill not to their liking, so long as they remained unified and had at least the 41 votes needed to keep a filibuster from being overridden.

[Me picturing Bill Burr playing watson in the shining}: "I tell you, this whole place is gonna go sky high someday, and I just hope that fat fucks here to ride the rocket. Me, I'm just as mean as a snake with shingles.

...you gotta get rid of this girl, alright? Is not gonna get any better, you did it a zillion times, you gotta go cold turkey, you gotta cut her off, aright? 'cause what's gonna happen is if you stay with her, and you end up fucking getting feelings for her, she might fuck you over, and you've never loved her to begin with. Or you get married to her, and then the fucking looks go away, and you are with this fucking idiot who can't tell a joke, can't tell stories and listen to shitty music. And eventually you are gonna pull a Phil Spector, your hair is gonna be all over the place, you're gonna stick a gun in her mouth. It's gonna be horrible.

...you gotta get rid of this girl, alright? It's not gonna get any better, you did it a zillion times, you gotta go cold turkey, you gotta cut her off, alright? 'cause what's gonna happen is if you stay with her, and you end up fucking getting feelings for her, she might fuck you over, and you've never loved her to begin with. Or you get married to her, and then the fucking looks go away, and you are with this fucking idiot who can't tell a joke, can't tell stories and listen to shitty music. And eventually you are gonna pull a Phil Spector, your hair is gonna be all over the place, you're gonna stick a gun in her mouth. It's gonna be horrible.