Awful Auntie Quotes

The Frog Prince The princess kisses the frog and contracts a waterborne disease that makes her bottom explode.

Well come here my cool nephew and give your auntie a hug.” Parker goes to make a run for it but Sam is faster. She picks him up and peppers his face full of kisses. “Aw man, come on.” He laughs, trying to push her face away. Sam pulls back with a frown. “Don’t tell me you can’t handle a few kisses.” He smirks at her. One I know well. “It’s not me who can’t handle it. It’s the ladies who can’t handle me.” Grace gasps in horror and my mom’s eyes bug out of her head. “Isn’t that right, Dad?” Oh shit!

Alberta thought for a moment, and took a live mouse out of her pocket by its tail before dropping it into Wagner’s mouth. The bird wolfed the unfortunate creature whole.

Another time Stella heard the two of them splashing around in the bath together. It wasn’t natural, it wasn’t right, and it definitely couldn’t be hygienic. Especially not for the owl.

Lost,” I say, dropping the photo on to the counter. “I’ve lost Elizabeth.” She pauses a moment and straightens to look at the photo. “Oh, was it an advert you wanted?” Breath floods into my lungs. “Yes. Yes, that’s it. I wanted to place an advert.” “I’ll get you a form. Awful, cats, aren’t they?” I nod, feeling as though I’ve missed some part of the conversation. I nod, but I quite like cats, and I wonder what this woman has against them. “I remember when my auntie lost her Oscar. She was frantic. Missing for weeks, he was. Found him in a beach hut in the end. Have you asked your neighbours to look in their sheds?” I stare at the woman. I can’t imagine finding Elizabeth in a shed. But perhaps it is a good suggestion. Perhaps it’s just me it doesn’t make sense to. I borrow a pen and write beach hut on a scrap of paper.

Wrestling was more her kind of sport.

Your poo-poo-poodle-pops and your wee-willy-wee-wees!

What does this King Kong do?” asked Alberta. “He’s a giant monkey.

ghost rules. “What about Wagner?

One boy dropped his trousers and did an almighty—!” “I don’t need to know, thank you!” replied Stella, cutting the boy off.

never allows you to stay up to watch your favourite television programme

were tall. Even though they were extremely wide they still weren’t particularly tall. The figure was wearing a tailored jacket and plus fours (those long billowy shorts that golfers sometimes wear).

one, and there was nothing to see except for our old, beloved home. “What’s going on? Awfully quiet around here,” Auntie Tilly said, looking straight at me. “It’s been quiet for nearly a year,” Auntie Ida answered for me, as she flipped a pancake on the stove. “Why? What happened?” Auntie Tilly asked, looking at me, again. “I’m being saved from heartache,

CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK CRACK.

In her heart the girl knew that she should never ever sign over the deeds of Saxby Hall to her wicked aunt. But her heart was broken. Stella’s body and spirit had been crushed by the past days and nights of terror. With her parents gone, and Soot trapped at the bottom of the icy lake, she felt she had nothing left to live for. If she signed now perhaps this nightmare would be over.