Andy Rooney Quotes

Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

If you smile when you are alone, then you really mean it.

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly." ~ (1919-), American writer, producer, humorist.

It's paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

The 50-50-90 rule: anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

I've learned .... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned .... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I'd be more willing to accept religion, even if I didn't believe it, if I thought it made people nicer to each other but I don't think it does.

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love. Beep.' 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic… speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.

We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Christians talk as though goodness was their idea but good behavior doesn't have any religious origin. Our prisons are filled with the devout.

Baby, Andy once said that beauty is a sign of intelligence.' She turns slowly to look at me. 'Who, Victor? Who? Andy who?' She coughs, blowing her nose. 'Andy Kaufman? Andy Griffith? Who in the hell told you this? Andy Rooney?' 'Warhol,' I say softly, hurt. 'Baby...

I'm always on the lookout for something good about people. Often months go by.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

I don't differentiate much, except in degree, between people who believe in religion from those who believe in astrology, magic or the supernatural.

At the age of six, the criteria for handsome was simply: "Is he not related to me?" and "Have I seen him on television?" That was it. By this standard, Larry Bird, Dick Clark, and Andy Rooney. All handsome guys.

The Christmas tree is a symbol of love, not money. There's a kind of glory to them when they're all lit up that exceeds anything all the money in the world could buy.

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.

People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.

For most of life, nothing wonderful happens. If you don’t enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are that you’re not going to be very happy. If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris, that person isn’t going to be happy much of the time. If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

One question in my mind, which I hardly dare mention in public, is whether patriotism has, overall, been a force for good or evil in the world. Patriotism is rampant in war and there are some good things about it. Just as self-respect and pride bring out the best in an individual, pride in family, pride in teammates, pride in hometown bring out the best in groups of people. War brings out the kind of pride in country that encourages its citizens in the direction of excellence and it encourages them to be ready to die for it. At no time do people work so well together to achieve the same goal as they do in wartime. Maybe that's enough to make patriotism eligible to be considered a virtue. If only I could get out of my mind the most patriotic people who ever lived, the Nazi Germans.

Do I have opinions that might piss people off? Yes - that's what I'm here for.

If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

Writers don't often say anything that readers don't already know, unless its a news story. A writer's greatest pleasure is revealing to people things they knew but did not know they knew. Or did not realize everyone else knew, too. This produces a warm sense of fellow feeling and is the best a writer can do.

I am not retiring. Writers don't retire. Writers never stop writing.

It’s just amazing how long this country has been going to hell without ever having got there.

I just wish this social institution [religion] wasn't based on what appears to me to be a monumental hoax built on an accumulation of customs and myths directed toward proving something that isn't true.

The trouble with dictionaries is, they tell you more about words than you want to know without answering the question you have.

My mother always called me 'sturdy' and said I have big bones. A little fat is what I am.

My advice is not to wait to be struck by an idea. If you're a writer, you sit down and damn well decide to have an idea.

As I grow in age, I value women who are over forty most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over forty will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, “What are you thinking?” She doesn’t care what you think. If a woman over forty doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it’s usually something more interesting. A woman over forty knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of forty give a hoot what you might think about her or what she’s doing. Women over forty are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated. A woman over forty has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn’t trust the guy with other women. Women over forty couldn’t care less if you’re attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won’t betray her. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over forty. They always know. A woman over forty looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over forty is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one! You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over forty for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of forty-plus, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some twenty-two-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free,” here’s an update for you. Now 80 percent of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly.

The best Christmas trees come very close to exceeding nature. If some of our great decorated trees had been grown in a remote forest area with lights that came on every evening as it grew dark, the whole world would come to look at them and marvel at the mystery of their great beauty.

I'm an admirer of everything Dr. Martin Luther King stood for, but I don't think he would have stood for this

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.

I laugh, bitterly, when I hear the phrase “He gave his life for his country.” No one gives his life. His life is taken.     THERE

Andy Rooney, the late commentator on the 60 Minutes television show, once said, “I’ve decided I’m against abortion. I think it’s murder. But I have a dilemma in that I much prefer the pro-choice to the pro-life people. I’d much rather eat dinner with a group of the former.

And at the risk of sounding like Andy Rooney on Sixty Minutes, have you ever wondered why we say fiddle-faddle and not faddle- fiddle? Why is it ping-pong and pitter-patter rather than pong-ping and patter-pitter? Why dribs and drabs, rather than vice versa? Why can't a kitchen be span and spic? Whence riff-raff, mish-mash, flim-flam, chit-chat, tit for tat, knick-knack, zig-zag, sing-song, ding-dong, King Kong, criss-cross, shilly-shally, see-saw, hee-haw, flip-flop, hippity-hop, tick-tock, tic-tac-toe, eeny-meeny-miney-moe, bric-a-brac, clickety-clack, hickory-dickory-dock, kit and kaboodle, and bibbity-bobbity-boo? The answer is that the vowels for which the tongue is high and in the front always come before the vowels for which the tongue is low and in the back.

Patriotism and war go together. Anytime anyone gets thinking patriotism is one of the supreme virtues, it would be a good idea to remember that there was never any group of people more patriotic than the Nazi Germans. It’s strange that love of country brings out the vicious character in so many people. In that respect, it’s a lot like religion. Here are two things that almost everyone agrees are good, patriotism and religion, but between them they account for almost all the people who ever died in a war. It

put some leftover

Maybe he should phone it all in to Andy Rooney.

Andy Rooney, the late commentator on the 60 Minutes television show, once said, “I’ve decided I’m against abortion. I think it’s murder. But I have a dilemma in that I much prefer the pro-choice to the pro-life people. I’d much rather eat dinner with a group of the former.” It matters little whom media figures like Andy Rooney dine with, but it matters a lot whether they miss encountering the grace of God from Christians in all their pro-life zeal.

MY TEARS DRIED up on the fiftieth anniversary visit to Omaha when I got thinking of how presumptuous it was of some Army authority to have put nothing but crosses or Stars of David over the graves, as though there was no room in the cemetery for anyone who held beliefs other than those represented by two religious symbols.

The world would be out of trouble if it had all the money to spend on poverty and peace that it has spent during its history on ammunition that failed to serve its purpose—to kill.

Any peace is better than any war.

If only I could get out of my mind the most patriotic people who ever lived, the Nazi Germans.

Helicopters are magic one day but they’ll break your heart the next.

The fact that Colin Powell doesn't want to be President, is further proof that he's the right man for the job.

Buster noticed that Lucas was holding a stack of papers. “These are some stories they’ve written, Buster,” Lucas then said. “I know it would be a real thrill for them if you might look at them.” “Oh,” Buster said. “Oh.” “You don’t have to of course,” Lucas continued. “I just thought you might be interested.” Buster could not think of anything he’d be less interested in reading, but then he thought of how they had patiently listened to him ramble, talking about some fucking brand of gum like he was Andy Rooney, and he felt his resistance falter. “Sure,” Buster said. “Load me up.

There is no perpetual happiness in the world. We can derive joy and happiness in several things, but life is full of surprises and unforeseen challenges, which can mar such joy and happiness. We cannot have or make everything in life perfect. We live in an imperfect world with imperfect human beings. The key ingredient to facing life, overcoming its challenges, and achieving peace, joy, and true happiness is to know God and follow all His commands. God gives us the wisdom to make the right choices in life. He creates opportunities for us and gives us the strength to carry us through the rough times. He gives us the wisdom and the ability to string together the various little things and sometimes big things in life that make us happy.

Each of us wants everyone else to know what we know, to like what we like.

Any place any one of us spends a lot of time gets to look like us after a while.

Like Andy Rooney and Judy Garland screaming “Let’s put on a play!” the

The 50–50–90 rule: Anytime you have a 50–50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong. Andy Rooney

Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it. ― Andy Rooney

Keep in mind that you’re more interested in what you have to say than anyone else is. ANDY ROONEY

Contrary to popular belief, not everyone is entitled to their opinion. If you don't know the facts, your opinion doesn't count.

Patriotism and war go together. Anytime anyone gets thinking patriotism is one of the supreme virtues, it would be a good idea to remember that there was never any group of people more patriotic than the Nazi Germans. It’s strange that love of country brings out the vicious character in so many people. In that respect, it’s a lot like religion. Here are two things that almost everyone agrees are good, patriotism and religion, but between them they account for almost all the people who ever died in a war.

For most of life, nothing wonderful happens. If you don't enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are that you're not going to be very happy. If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris, that person isn't going to be happy much of the time. If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.