Amir Quotes

Quiet is peace. Tranquility. Quiet is turning down the volume knob on life. Silence is pushing the off button. Shutting it down. All of it. - Amir

It was only a smile, nothing more. It didn't make everything all right. It didn't make ANYTHING all right. Only a smile. A tiny thing. A leaf in the woods, shaking in the wake of a startled bird's flight. But I'll take it. With open arms. Because when spring comes, it melts the snow one flake at a time, and maybe I just witnessed the first flake melting. - Amir

And this is what I want you to understand, that good, real good, was born out of your father's remorse. Sometimes, I thing everything he did, feeding the poor on the streets, building the orphanage, giving money to friends in need, it was all his way of redeeming himself. And that, I believe, is what true redemption is, Amir jan, when guilt leads to good.

Farsi Couplet: Agar firdaus bar roo-e zameen ast, Hameen ast-o hameen ast-o hameen ast. English Translation: If there is a paradise on earth, It is this, it is this, it is this

I think that everything he did, feeding the poor, giving money to friends in need, it was all a way of redeeming himself. And that, I believe, is what true redemption is, Amir jan, when guilt leads to good.

it is a heartBreaking sound, Amir Jan, the Wailing of a mother. I pray to Allah you Never hear it.

Most people are only as needy as their unmet needs.

There was brotherhood between people who had fed from the same breast, a kinship that even time could not break. - Amir

Instead of thinking how you can change yourself in order to please your partner, as so many relationship books advise, think: Can this person provide what I need in order to be happy?

The trick is not to get hooked on the highs and lows and mistake an activated attachment system for passion or love. Don't let emotional unavailability turn you on.

Farsi Couplet: Mun tu shudam tu mun shudi,mun tun shudam tu jaan shudi Taakas na guyad baad azeen, mun deegaram tu deegari English Translation: I have become you, and you me, I am the body, you soul; So that no one can say hereafter, That you are someone, and me someone else.

Feeling close and complete with someone else -- the emotional equivalent of finding a home

Khusrau darya prem ka, ulti wa ki dhaar, Jo utra so doob gaya, jo dooba so paar. English Translation. Oh Khusrau, the river of love Runs in strange directions. One who jumps into it drowns, And one who drowns, gets across.

Amir took a deep breath. To his credit, he didn't collapse, curl into a ball, or cry, all of which would have been perfectly acceptable responses to finding out there were squeaky-voiced beings in the sky that would invite you up their rainbow.

فالقلب الذي أحب بقوة، لا يقدر على نسيان ذكرياته، حتى وإن كانت لديه هذه الرغبة، بل كلما زادت رغبته في نسيانها، كلما زاد تعلقه وحنينه إلى هذه الذكريات، وفي النهاية... يفشل في ذلك فشلًا ذريعًا، راضيًا ومباركًا لهذا الفشل...

True love, in the evolutionary sense, means peace of mind. “Still waters run deep” is a good way of characterizing it.

Hassan and I fed from the same breasts. We took our first steps on the same lawn in the same yard. And, under the same roof, we spoke our first words. Mine was Baba. His was Amir. My name. Looking back on it now, I think the foundation for what happened in the winter of 1975 —and all that followed— was already laid in those first words.

I love you," Amir told her. Samirah stumbled backwards like she'd been hit in the face with a giant eagle egg. Alex propped her up. "I ... yes," Sam squeaked. "Also. Too." Amir nodded. He turned and got into his car. A moment later, his tail-lights disappeared down Flagship Way. Samirah smacked her own forehead. "Also? Too? I am such an idiot." Alex patted her arm. "I thought you were quite eloquent. Come on sister. Your neon-yellow warship awaits.

Anxious people may take a very long time to get over a bad attachment, and they don't get to decide how long it will take. Only when every single cell in their body is completely convinced that there is no chance that their partner will change or that they will ever reunite will they be able to deactivate and let go.

If you're still in a relationship, remember that just because you can get along with anyone doesn't mean you have to. If you're unhappy after having tried every way to make things work, chances are that you should move on. It's in your best interest to end a dysfunctional relationship rather than get stuck forever with the wrong person just because you're secure.

It's important to remember that even with effective communication, some problems won't be solved immediately. What's vital is your partner's response--whether he or she is concerned about your well-being, has your best interests in mind, and is willing to work on things.

تستطيع الشمس أن تبدد ظلام الليل المكفهر. تستطيع أن ترسل أشعتها إعلانًا لبدأ يوم جديد لتوقظ غفلة النائمين. تستطيع أن تصدع جبالا جليدية، بل وتصهرها، أو تبعث الدفء على نصف العالم بأكمله..... لكنها لا تستطيع أن تواري حزنًا بات في صدرِ فتاة تفكر مُنتَحِبة في وغدٍ هجرها، أو خسيسٍ خدعها..... أو فسلٍ دنيءٍ خلا بها..!

ألا وهي شهادة وفاته. فهذه هي الورقة الوحيدة التي لا يراها صاحبها... ويظل الموت، كما هو، ليس إلا حروف وكلمات مُبهمة، منقوشة بحبرٍ أسود... على صفحات سوداء. ويظل دومًا هو الخط القاطع لفضول الإنسان لما هو آت...!

لا شئ مرهق أكتر من تفكير شاب في فتاة اقتحمت حياته فأحبها بصدق ..

Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, and the earlier the better, they usually turn their attention outward. This is sometimes referred to in attachment literature as the “dependency paradox”: The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.

أضناه انتظار الوقت وهو يمر كسلحفاة، ومراقبته لعقارب الساعة اللعينة، التي أصابها الشلل ولم تتحرك، أدرك أن للانتظار طعم........ لكنه شديد المرارة.

Amir Handjani Saudi Arabia

Amir Handjani - Senior fellow at Atlantic Council.

Saudi Arabia - Amir Handjani

أحيانا يكون للصمت صوتًا واضحًا... وممتعًا...

when our partners are thoroughly dependable and make us feel safe, and especially if they know how to reassure us during the hard times, we can turn our attention to all the other aspects of life that make our existence meaningful.

Amir Handjani is an energy lawyer and a public affairs executive.

Basically, secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving; anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back; avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.

Farsi Couplet: Ba khak darat rau ast maara, Gar surmah bechashm dar neaayad. English Translation: The dust of your doorstep is just the right thing to apply, If Surmah (kohl powder) does not show its beauty in the eye!

مر الوقت عليه ثقيلا متباطئًا كالسائر في كثبانٍ رملية على قدمين مربوطتين بأثقالٍ حديدية. رغم أن الوقت لم يكن سوى ثلاثين دقيقة...! غير أن دقيقة العاشق الوله لها بُعد زمني آخر يختلف تماما عن الدقيقة لدى أي شخص آخر، فكانت تمر عليه كعقود.

if you're with someone secure, they nurture you into a more secure stance.

Amir Handjani is Senior Fellow at the Atlantic Council and a Fellow with the Truman National Security Project.

If you're anxious, when you start to feel something is bothering you in a relationship, you tend to quickly get flooded with negative emotions and think in extremes. Unlike your secure counterpart, you don't expect your partner to respond positively but anticipate the opposite. You perceive the relationship as something fragile and unstable that can collapse at any moment. These thoughts and assumptions make it hard for you to express your needs effectively.

our culture encourages you [with an anxious attachment style] to believe that many of your needs are illegitimate. But whether they are legitimate or not for someone else is beside the point. They are essential for your happiness, and that is what's important.

It is very important that you be compassionate with yourself. The worse you feel about yourself, the more you'll want to go back to the false safety of the bad relationship you were in. Your attachment system gets activated more when you feel bad about yourself

When your partner feels s/he has a secure base to fall back on (and doesn't feel the need to work hard to get close), and when you don't feel the need to distance yourself, you'll both be better able to look outward and do your own thing.

Usually, if you address things that are bothering you from the get-go and receive a positive response, our whole demeaner will change. Worries and fears surface more when you are not communicating your concerns and are letting things build up.

بعدت عن نظره شيئًا فشيئًا، سرت قشعريرة في جسده، مندهشًا من تلك الفتاة التي باغتته بأسطولها وأسلحتها الجوية وقواتها البرية، فاحتلته فجأة دون سابق إنذار، ورفعت لواءها أعلى ربوة قلبه، معلنة السيطرة عليه واحتلاله، فانهزمت دولة قلبه أمام جيشها العتيد.

...being happy and fulfilled is probably one of the most attractive traits you can offer a partner.

Sam chuckled. “She probably won’t be too mad. Go. Get it over with.” Easy for Sam to say. She knew exactly where she stood in her relationship with Amir. She was happily engaged and never had to worry about secret kisses under blankets because she was a good Muslim girl and would never do such a thing. I, alas, was not a good Muslim girl.

هل جسد الإنسان الذي - حتمًا - سيفنى؛ يستحق كل هذا العناء للاعتناء به طوال العمر..؟ لماذا إذن...؟!!! جسد الإنسان فانٍ ... فانٍ فان... وما هو سوى وعاء جلديّ يحتوي على لحمٍ وعظام، بجوار أجهزة ودم وأكسجين... سيتوقفون جميعًا يومًا ما... وما سيتبقى في النهاية... هو الذكريات التي يشترك فيها صاحب هذا الجسد مع من حوله... فالذكريات هي أكثر شيء يستحق الاعتناء... وليس الجسد...

And that, I believe, is what true redemption is, Amir Jan, when guilt leads to good.

Amir? Blitzen? Anybody?” a voice asked. “Jeez, I could rob this place blind and no one would know it.

You think we live in Norway or something? Amir Jordan is Pakistani. There's also an Asian guy, some Puerto Ricans, and the starting left wing has, like, carrot-hair. he must be Irish. It's the whole UN over there.

ألقت نفسها بداخله، كطفلة ترتمي داخل حضن والدها لتشعر بالأمان، كقطة تختبئ داخل حضن أمها خشية العالم الخارجي، كشمس مكسوة باللون الأحمر الكاردينالي حين تغرب، وتشارف كبد السماء، ويبتلعها ساحل الضفة الأخرى. دخلت حضنه، ذابت بداخله كشمعة مضيئة في ظلام كاحل، احتل ليلة قاتمة،

It may be unfair, but what happens in a few days, sometimes even a single day, can change the course of a whole lifetime, Amir,” he said.

Getting attached means that our brain becomes wired to seek the support of our partner by ensuring their psychological and physical proximity. If our partner fails to reassure us, we are programmed to continue our attempts

Farsi Couplet: Naala-e zanjeer-e Majnun arghanoon-e aashiqanast Zauq-e aan andaza-e gosh-e ulul-albaab neest English Translation: The creaking of the chain of Majnun is the orchestra of the lovers, To appreciate its music is quite beyond the ears of the wise.

المرض؛ ذلك الشيء المخيف المرعب، الذي يزور الإنسان بين الحين والآخر، فيقربه من الموت ولو شبرًا. ماذا كان سيحدث إن خلق هذا العالم بدون المرض، الذي يعد أبشع شيء بعد الموت. فالمرض قبيح، والموت أقبح. والأقبح من الاثنين هو أن يكون الأول طريقًا متكسرًا متعرجًا يؤدي إلى الثاني!

experiences are only meaningful when shared with others

There are many charming, intelligent people out there who can make you happy, but there are also many who are not right for you. The only way to make sure that you meet potential soul mates is to go out with a lot of people. It's a simple law of probability -- the more you meet, the greater the chances you'll find the one who is a good match for you.

Studies have found that the same areas in the brain that light up in imaging scans when we break a leg are activated when we split up with our mate. As part of a reaction to a breakup, our brain experiences the departure of an attachment figure in a similar way to that in which it registers physical pain.

1. Show basic concern for the other person’s well-being. 2. Maintain focus on the problem at hand. 3. Refrain from generalizing the conflict. 4. Be willing to engage. 5. Effectively communicate feelings and needs.

people with a secure attachment style are more likely than others to forgive their partner for wrongdoing. ...secure people just naturally dwell less on the negative and can turn off upsetting emotions without becoming defensively distant.

Oxytocin, a hormone and neuropeptide ... plays a major role in attachment processes and serves several purposes: It causes women to go into labor, strengthens attachment, and ... [increases] trust and cooperation. We get a boost of oxytocin in our brain during orgasm and even when we cuddle -- which is why it's been tagged the "cuddle hormone." How is oxytocin related to conflict reduction? Sometimes we spend less quality time with our partner -- especially when other demands on us are pressing. However, neuroscience findings suggest that we should change our priorities. By forgoing closeness with our partners, we are also missing our oxytocin boost -- making us less agreeable to the world around us and more vulnerable to conflict.

After all, our brain assigns our partner the task of being our secure base, the person we use as an emotional anchor and a safe haven, the one we turn to in time of need. We are programmed to seek their emotional availability.

If you have an anxious attachment style, you tend to get attached very quickly, even just on the basis of physical attraction. One night of sex or even just a passionate kiss and, boom, you already can't get that person out of your mind. As you know, once your attachment system is activated, you begin to crave the other person's closeness and will do anything in your power to make it work even before you really get to know him/her and decide whether you like that person or not!

If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, find the right person to depend on and travel down it with that person.

In a true partnership, both partners view it as their responsibility to ensure the other’s emotional well-being.

Having a partner who is inconsistently available or supportive can be a truly demoralizing and debilitating experience that can literally stunt our growth and stymie our health.

With my beloved I play the game of love . If I win, he is mine. If I lose I am his...

...mismatched attachment styles can lead to a great deal of unhappiness in marriage, even for people who love each other greatly. If you are in such a relationship, don't feel guilty for feeling incomplete or unsatisfied. After all, your most basic needs often go unmet, and love alone isn't enough to make the relationship work.

Avoidants are not exactly open books and tend to repress rather than express their emotions.

People with a secure attachment style know how to communicate their own expectations and respond to their partner’s needs effectively without having to resort to protest behavior.

I wanted that, to move on, to forget, to start with a clean slate. I wanted to be able to breathe again.

Having a partner who fulfills our intrinsic attachment needs and feels comfortable acting as a secure base and safe haven can help us remain emotionally and physically healthier and live longer.

Remember, an activated attachment system is not passionate love. Next time you date someone and find yourself feeling anxious, insecure, and obsessive—only to feel elated every once in a while—tell yourself this is most likely an activated attachment system and not love! True love, in the evolutionary sense, means peace of mind.

You now live in suspense, anticipating that next small remark or gesture that will reassure you. After living like this for a while, you start to do something interesting. You start to equate the anxiety, the preoccupation, the obsession, and those ever-so-short bursts of joy with love. What you’re really doing is equating an activated attachment system with passion.

In this world, what is here is not necessarily here, and what is now may not really be now: place and time are malleable, and everything is seen through a haze of probabilities, rather than with certainty.

Network Marketing is taking a decision and sticking to it!

To write poetry, like sincere poetry, it is like performing heart surgery on yourself without anesthesia…in public…You are peeling back layers. You are dissecting yourself…You do not know what they [the audience] is going to do when you reach into yourself and rip out your organs to be displayed

[Avoidants] might have sex only rarely -- or never -- with their partner, or fantasize about others while doing so. ... With avoidants, fantasy is not part of a mutual adventure but rather a deactivating strategy to keep them isolated.

Maksymilian feddhetetlen, árnyékként élő figura volt, és kényesen ügyelt rá, hogy az is maradjon. Ez elengedhetetlen volt a számára. Úgy mozgott Lengyelország határain belül, mintha láthatatlan lett volna. Ha Varsóban járt, kizárólag abban a privát klubban múlatta szívesen az időt, amely az érdekeltségébe tartozott. Kínosan kerülte a feltűnést, és kiküszöbölt minden lehetőséget, hogy a hatóságok látókörébe kerüljön. A felszín mindössze egy éles eszű, céltudatos, elegáns öltönybe bújt üzletembert láttatott, aki befektetésekkel foglalatoskodik. És ő mindent megtett azért, hogy ezt a kifogástalan felszínt senkinek se jusson eszébe megkapargatni. A valódi életét a színfalak mögött élte, lakásainak falai között, privát klubok elrejtett tárgyalótermeiben, luxusszállodák lakosztályaiban, magángépek fedélzetén, eldugott nyaralóhelyeken, magánjachtokon. A saját maga által felállított erkölcsi normák szerint élt, az ő világában az erős győz, és ő erős akart lenni, mert veszíteni képtelen volt. Intelligencia és helyzetfelismerő képesség birtokában soha nem is bukott bele semmibe. Mindenért, amije volt, keményen megküzdött, okos volt, ravasz, és merész, ha kitűzött egy célt, azt véghezvitte. Nagyratörő volt és elszánt. Imádta a minőségi holmikat, a tiszteletet, amely körülvette, imádta az autóit, a sebességet. De a józanságát és az éberségét csak ritkán hagyta elaludni, azt vallotta, hogy az embernek mindig készen kell állnia a legváratlanabb helyzetekre is. Olykor persze szerette halmozni az élvezeteket, melyekbe alkohol és drog csak ritkán vegyült, neki az élvezetet elsősorban a szex jelentette, amit senki mással nem szeretett még úgy megélni, mint Aleksandrával, akiben megtalálta a tökéletes szeretőt. Éppen csak betöltötte a negyvenet, de már mindene megvolt, amire csak vágyott.

Effectively expressing your emotional needs is even better than the other person magically reading your mind. It means that you’re an active agent who can be heard, and it opens the door for a much richer emotional dialogue.

The morgue is the Mullah's mint: Why hang on to life in this world when our guardians are discounting the price of life and selling martyr's tickets to paradise?

The more attuned you are to your partner's needs at the early stages -- and he or she to yours -- the less energy you will need to expend attending to him or her later.

I lay on the side of the dirt road next to a rocky trench, looked up to the gray morning sky, thankful for air, thankful for light, thankful to be alive.

Habis kikis. Segala cintaku hilang terbang. Pulang kembali aku padamu. Seperti dahulu.

KAMYAB HONE KE LIYE NAHI KABIL HONE KE LIYE PADHO KAMYABHI JHAK.. MAR KE PICHE AYEGI...

A general word of advice: It’s always more effective to assume the best in conflict situations. In fact, expecting the worst—which is typical of people with insecure attachment styles—often acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you assume your partner will act hurtfully or reject you, you automatically respond defensively—thus starting a vicious cycle of negativity.

When our partner is unable to meet our basic attachment needs, we experience a chronic sense of disquiet and tension that leaves us more exposed to various ailments. Not only is our emotional well-being sacrificed when we are in a romantic partnership with someone who doesn’t provide a secure base, but so is our physical health.

Chaap Tilak Chhap tilak sab cheeni ray mosay naina milaikay Chhap tilak sab cheeni ray mosay naina milaikay Prem bhatee ka madhva pilaikay Matvali kar leeni ray mosay naina milaikay Gori gori bayyan, hari hari churiyan Bayyan pakar dhar leeni ray mosay naina milaikay Bal bal jaaon mein toray rang rajwa Apni see kar leeni ray mosay naina milaikay Khusrau Nijaam kay bal bal jayyiye Mohay Suhaagan keeni ray mosay naina milaikay Chhap tilak sab cheeni ray mosay naina milaikay Translation You've taken away my looks, my identity, by just a glance. By making me drink the wine of love-potion, You've intoxicated me by just a glance; My fair, delicate wrists with green bangles in them, Have been held tightly by you with just a glance. I give my life to you, Oh my cloth-dyer, You've dyed me in yourself, by just a glance. I give my whole life to you Oh, Nijam, You've made me your bride, by just a glance.

When our partner acts as our secure base and emotional anchor, we derive strength and encouragement to go out into the world and make the most of ourselves. He or she is there to help us become the best person we can be, as we are for them.   Don’t Lose Sight of These Facts: • Your attachment needs are legitimate. • You shouldn’t feel bad for depending on the person you

With every clash, the anxious person loses more ground: During bitter fights between anxious and avoidant partners, when there are no secure checks and balances in place, people with anxious attachment style tend to get overwhelmed by negative emotions. When they feel hurt, they talk, think, and act in an extreme manner, even to the point of threatening to leave (protest behavior). However, once they calm down, they become flooded with positive memories and are then overcome with regret. They reach out to their partner in an attempt to reconcile. But they are often met with a hostile response, because avoidants react differently to a fight. They

The emotions, thought patterns, and behaviors automatically triggered in children in attachment situations appear similarly in adults. The difference is that adults are capable of a higher level of abstraction, so our need for the other person’s continuous physical presence can at times be temporarily replaced by the knowledge that they are available to us psychologically

participants. This is an important lesson for someone with an anxious attachment style: If you just wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions, you will have an uncanny ability to decipher the world around you and use it to your advantage. But shoot from the hip, and you’re all over the place making misjudgments and hurting yourself. Once activated, they are often consumed

From the hood of his car, he hefted a large green insulated pack - the kind Fadlan's Falafel used for deliveries. "This is for you, Magnus. I hope you enjoy." The scent of fresh falafel wafted out. True, I'd eaten falafel just a few hours ago, but my stomach growled because ... well, more falafel. "Man, you're the best. I can't believe - Wait. You're in the middle of a fast and you brought me food? That seems wrong." "Just because I'm fasting doesn't mean you can't enjoy." He clapped me on my shoulder. "You'll be in my prayers. All of you." I knew he was sincere. Me, I was an atheist. I only prayed sarcastically to my own father for a better colour of boat. Learning about the existence of Norse deities and the Nine Worlds had just made me more convinced that there was no grand divine plan. What kind of God would allow Zeus and Odin to run around the same cosmos, both claiming to be the king of creation, smiting mortals with lightning bolts and giving motivational seminars? Bur Amir was a man of faith. He and Samirah believed in something bigger, a cosmic force that actually cared about humans. I suppose it was kind of comforting to know Amir had my back in the prayer department, even if I doubted there was anybody at the end of that line. "Thanks, man." I shook his hand one last time.

There is a major difference between couples who are dealing with non-attachment-related issues and those who are engaged in intimacy struggles. While the first couples want to find a common ground and reach a resolution that will bring them closer together, the latter either engage in ongoing, irreconcilable fights or one of the two is forced to compromise unilaterally in areas that are near and dear to him or her.

What tipped you off—about Stan, I mean?” I asked. “Couple of things,” Alex replied. “He referred to Blitzen as the dwarf and claimed you hadn’t been in. Knowing how terrified you are of Sam—” “I am not!” “—I thought it was unlikely you’d skipped the shopping spree. So, I tested his story and called your phone. When I heard my ringtone, I knew he was lying about you being here. But the biggest clue? He refused to sell me anything. I mean, come on.” He gestured to his pink cashmere sweater vest and tight lime-green pants. “A real clothing salesman would have seen dollar signs the minute I walked into the store.

Attachment theory designates three main “attachment styles,” or manners in which people perceive and respond to intimacy in romantic relationships, which parallel those found in children: Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant. Basically, secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving; anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner’s ability to love them back; avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.

In so many ways, the same impulse to know the world and our place in it is at the roots of both science and spirituality. Both are attempts to illuminate the mysteries of our world and expand our vision of the greater whole. By charting the history of science, I hope these pages have shown how vital and awesome real science is. Throughout history, scientific discovery has brought us closer to the wonders of life and the universe—and immeasurably deepened our appreciation for creation. It engages the world and inspires the best in us. But the pursuit of truth should not be driven by zealous agenda. Nor should it overreach and speak with righteous authority where it’s on unsolid ground. That’s not science—and let’s not allow those who falsely invoke its name to diminish us.

As adults we don’t play with toys anymore, but we do have to go out into the world and deal with novel situations and difficult challenges. We want to be highly functional at work, at ease and inspired in our hobbies, and compassionate enough to care for our children and partners. If we feel secure, like the infant in the strange situation test when her mother is present, the world is at our feet. We can take risks, be creative, and pursue our dreams. And if we lack that sense of security? If we are unsure whether the person closest to us, our romantic partner, truly believes in us and supports us and will be there for us in times of need, we’ll find it much harder to maintain focus and engage in life. As in the strange situation test, when our partners are thoroughly dependable and make us feel safe, and especially if they know how to reassure us during the hard times, we can turn our attention to all the other aspects of life that make our existence meaningful.

Avoidants often use sex to distance themselves from their partner. It doesn’t necessarily mean they will cheat on their partner, although studies have shown that they are more likely to do so than other attachment types. Phillip Shaver, in a study with then University of California-Davis graduate student Dory Schachner, found that of the three styles, avoidants would more readily make a pass at someone else’s partner or respond to such a proposition. Intriguingly, they also found that avoidant men and women were more likely to engage in less sex if their partner had an anxious attachment style! Researchers believe that in relationships like Marsha and Craig’s, there is less lovemaking because the anxious partner wants a great deal of physical closeness and this in turn causes the avoidant partner to withdraw further. What better way to avoid intimacy than by reducing sex to a bare minimum.

You might be too enmeshed with the other person, or “codependent,” and you must learn to set better “boundaries.” The basic premise underlying this point of view is that the ideal relationship is one between two self-sufficient people who unite in a mature, respectful way while maintaining clear boundaries. If you develop a strong dependency on your partner, you are deficient in some way and are advised to work on yourself to become more “differentiated” and develop a “greater sense of self.” The worst possible scenario is that you will end up needing your partner, which is equated with “addiction” to him or her, and addiction, we all know, is a dangerous prospect. While the teachings of the codependency movement remain immensely helpful in dealing with family members who suffer from substance abuse (as was the initial intention), they can be misleading and even damaging when applied indiscriminately to all relationships.

... people with a secure attachment style view their partners' well-being as their responsibility. As long as they have reason to believe their partner is in some sort of trouble, they'll continue to back him or her. Mario Mikulincer and Phillip Shaver, in their book Attachment in Adulthood, show that people with a secure attachment style are more likely than others to forgive their partner for wrongdoing. They explain this as a complex combination of cognitive and emotional abilities: "Forgiveness requires difficult regulatory maneuvers . . . understanding a transgressor's needs and motives, and making generous attributions and appraisals concerning the transgressor's traits and hurtful actions . . . Secure people are likely to offer relatively benign explanations of their partners' hurtful actions and be inclined to forgive the partner." Also, as we've seen previously in this chapter, secure people just naturally dwell less on the negative and can turn off upsetting emotions without becoming defensively distant. The good news is that people with a secure attachment style have healthy instincts and usually catch on very early that someone is not cut out to be their partner. The bad news is that when secure people do, on occasion, enter into a negative relationship, they might not know when to call it quits--especially if it's a long-term, committed relationship in which they feel responsible for their partner's happiness.