Wit And Humor Quotes

We've searched our database for all the quotes and captions related to Wit And Humor. Here they are! All 100 of them:

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I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer
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Douglas Adams
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My rapier wit hides my inner pain.
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Cassandra Clare
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I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.
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G.K. Chesterton
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Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
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Dorothy Parker
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The covers of this book are too far apart.
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Ambrose Bierce
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I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.
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Flannery O'Connor (The Habit of Being: Letters of Flannery O'Connor)
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Humor keeps us alive. Humor and food. Don't forget food. You can go a week without laughing.
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Joss Whedon
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I'm sorry. I use my rapier wit to hide my inner pain.
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Cassandra Clare
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Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs.
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Oliver Goldsmith (She Stoops to Conquer)
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I have only made this letter longer because I have not had the time to make it shorter." (Letter 16, 1657)
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Blaise Pascal (The Provincial Letters)
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A fire broke out backstage in a theatre. The clown came out to warn the public; they thought it was a joke and applauded. He repeated it; the acclaim was even greater. I think that's just how the world will come to an end: to general applause from wits who believe it's a joke.
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SΓΈren Kierkegaard (Either/Or, Part I)
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Why hasn't anyone killed him yet?” β€œDumb luck,” Wit said. β€œIn that I’m lucky you’re all so dumb.
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Brandon Sanderson (Words of Radiance (The Stormlight Archive, #2))
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They say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit," Valkyrie said. China glanced at her. "They've obviously never met me.
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Derek Landy (Mortal Coil (Skulduggery Pleasant, #5))
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Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit.
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William Shakespeare (Twelfth Night)
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If Christ were here there is one thing he would not beβ€”a Christian.
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Mark Twain (Notebook)
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Would you mind repeating that? I'm afraid I might have lost my wits altogether and just hallucinated what I've longed to hear.
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Jeaniene Frost (Halfway to the Grave (Night Huntress, #1))
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There’s a fine line between support and stalking and let’s all stay on the right side of that.
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Joss Whedon
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A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who has searched for the leak in life's gas-pipe with a lighted candle.
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P.G. Wodehouse (The Man Upstairs and Other Stories)
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There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words." [Interview, The Paris Review, Summer 1956]
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Dorothy Parker
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Wit is educated insolence.
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Aristotle
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A successful book is not made of what is in it, but what is left out of it.
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Mark Twain
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We have just witnessed a classic example of what I like to call 'misdirected rage'. I believe the technical term is being an ass.
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Natsuki Takaya
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Now what happens?" asked the man in black. "We face each other as God intended," Fezzik said. "No tricks, no weapons, skill against skill alone." "You mean you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and we'll try to kill each other like civilized people, is that it?
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William Goldman (The Princess Bride)
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Often it does seem such a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
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Mark Twain (Christian Science)
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Wit and humor do not reside in slow minds.
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Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra (Don Quixote)
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Ack!" I said. Fearless master of the witty dialogue, that's me.
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Jim Butcher (Changes (The Dresden Files, #12))
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Girls are so queer you never know what they mean. They say no when they mean yes, and drive a man out of his wits just for the fun of it. --Laurie
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Louisa May Alcott (Little Women)
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There are those who scoff at the schoolboy, calling him frivolous and shallow: Yet it was the schoolboy who said 'Faith is believing what you know ain't so'.
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Mark Twain (Pudd'nhead Wilson (Bantam Classics))
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SADNESS OF THE INTELLECT: Sadness of being misunderstood [sic]; Humor sadness; Sadness of love wit[hou]t release; Sadne[ss of be]ing smart; Sadness of not knowing enough words to [express what you mean]; Sadness of having options; Sadness of wanting sadness; Sadness of confusion; Sadness of domes[tic]ated birds, Sadness of fini[shi]ng a book; Sadness of remembering; Sadness of forgetting; Anxiety sadness...
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Jonathan Safran Foer (Everything is Illuminated)
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On some days you get what you want, and on others, you get what you need.
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Hunter S. Thompson (Kingdom of Fear: Loathsome Secrets of a Star-Crossed Child in the Final Days of the American Century)
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-Oh yes? Can you identify yourself? -Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.
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Terry Pratchett (Maskerade (Discworld, #18; Witches, #5))
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Wit seduces by signaling intelligence without nerdiness.
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Nassim Nicholas Taleb (The Bed of Procrustes: Philosophical and Practical Aphorisms)
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Yeah you can have a word," said Harry savagely. "Good-bye.
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J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (Harry Potter, #4))
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Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.
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Mark Twain (The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain: A Book of Quotations)
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[On Oscar Wilde:] "If, with the literate, I am Impelled to try an epigram, I never seek to take the credit; We all assume that Oscar said it. [Life Magazine, June 2, 1927]
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Dorothy Parker
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Let me be clear. Last I was aware you were neither my husband nor my father nor my King. Therefore, any control you may imagine you hold over me is just that- imaginary
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Sarah MacLean (The Season)
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I hate patience. Slows everything down.
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J.D. Robb (Witness in Death (In Death, #10))
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Give the People what they want - and they'll get what they deserve.
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The Kinks
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Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to a virgin.
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Robert A. Heinlein (The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress)
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You know, you're rather amusingly wrong.
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Terry Pratchett (Maskerade (Discworld, #18; Witches, #5))
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Do you like to slide?" His voice was eager. Stair rails! Did he suspect me? I forced a sigh. "No, Majesty. I'm terrified of heights." "Oh." His polite tone had returned. "I wish I could enjoy it. This fear of heights is an affliction." He nodded, a show of sympathy but not much interest. I was losing him. "Especially," I added, "as I've grown taller.
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Gail Carson Levine (Ella Enchanted (Ella Enchanted, #1))
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Men are not nearly as evolved as women are, nor as intelligent, evidently
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Sarah MacLean (The Season)
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I was sorry to have my name mentioned as one of the great authors, because they have a sad habit of dying off. Chaucer is dead, Spencer is dead, so is Milton, so is Shakespeare, and I’m not feeling so well myself.
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Mark Twain (Speeches)
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Enough about my beauty," Buttercup said. "Everybody always talks about how beautiful I am. I've got a mind, Westley. Talk about that.
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William Goldman (The Princess Bride)
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Mr Lorry asks the witness questions: Ever been kicked? Might have been. Frequently? No. Ever kicked down stairs? Decidedly not; once received a kick at the top of a staircase, and fell down stairs of his own accord.
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Charles Dickens (A Tale of Two Cities)
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He had had much experience of physicians, and said 'the only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not'.
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Mark Twain (Following the Equator: A Journey Around the World)
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And what have I done?" What? WHAT?...You've stolen them." With that, Cornelia fled, but Buttercup understood; she knew who "them" was. The boys. The beef-witted featherbrained rattledskulled clodpated dim-domed noodle-noggined sapheaded lunk-knobbed BOYS.
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William Goldman (The Princess Bride)
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Your wit is always such a delight, Mr. Zeklos. I can barely contain myself around it.
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Richelle Mead (Shadow Kiss (Vampire Academy, #3))
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Jason smiled and took a sip of his coke before responding. β€œI’m not sure how to reply to that. I thought about just giving you a nasty look. But I see you already have one.
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Mark A. Cooper (Face-Off (Jason Steed #5))
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You know what’s really, powerfully sexy? A sense of humor. A taste for adventure. A healthy glow. Hips to grab on to. Openness. Confidence. Humility. Appetite. Intuition. … Smart-ass comebacks. Presence. A quick wit. Dirty jokes told by an innocent-looking lady. … A storyteller. A genius. A doctor. A new mother. A woman who realizes how beautiful she is.
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Courtney E. Martin
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I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.
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Mel Brooks
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One can have a wit, but not a witless
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Brandon Sanderson (The Way of Kings (The Stormlight Archive, #1))
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A week after Fred and George's departure, Harry witnessed Professor McGonagall walking right past Peeves, who was determinedly loosening a crystal chandelier, and could have sworn he heard her tell the poltergeist out of the corner of her mouth, "It unscrews the other way.
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J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter, #5))
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Eve, did you marry me for my money?" "You bet your ass. And you'd better hold on to it, or I'm history" "It's very sweet of you to say so.
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J.D. Robb (Witness in Death (In Death, #10))
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Yes, I'm shallow, I don't mind admitting it. Perhaps I should admit that there's no end to the depths of my shallowness.
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Franny Billingsley (Chime)
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Mr. Rochester never courted Jane Eyre," Tessa pointed out. "No, he dressed up as a woman and terrified the poor girl out of her wits. Is that what you want?" "You would make a very ugly woman." "I would not. I would be stunning.
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Cassandra Clare (Clockwork Princess (The Infernal Devices, #3))
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Wit and puns aren't just decor in the mind; they're essential signs that the mind knows it's on, recognizes its own software, can spot the bugs in its own program.
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Adam Gopnik
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You know, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.' 'And yet it is still extremely funny.
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Cecelia Ahern (The Time of My Life)
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I already have one Sheepbiter here,” said Eragon, and laid a hand on Saphira. β€œWhy would I need another?” Angela broke out into a wide smile. β€œSo you’re not entirely devoid of wit after all! There just might be hope for you.” And she danced off toward the keep, twirling her doublebladed staff by her side and muttering, β€œFire? Bah!” A soft growl emanated from Saphira, and she said, Be careful whom you call Sheepbiter, Eragon, or you might get bitten yourself. Yes, Saphira.
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Christopher Paolini (Brisingr (The Inheritance Cycle, #3))
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Sit your ass down, Don Juanabe," Derek said. "Don Juanabe?" Ascanio pulled out his swords. "Don Juan Wannabe," Derek explained. "See I shortened it. If you still don't get it, I'll write it down for you after the fight." "You've maxed out your wit quota for the night," Ascanio said. "I'm just getting started." "Be careful, you might sprain something in your brain.
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Ilona Andrews (Magic Breaks (Kate Daniels, #7))
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… she gave me a look that deftly combined tenderness with revulsion. To this day the memory of that look still visits me like a Jehovah’s Witness: uninvited and tireless.
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Steve Toltz
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Writing a book is like sliding down a rainbow! Marketing it is like trudging through a field of chewed bubblegum on a hot, sticky day.
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Betty Dravis
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I can't believe you just did that! Are you crazy?" I gripped the steering wheel tighter. "Why do people keep asking me that?" He turned to stare at me, his eyes worried. "Who else keeps asking you that? Are any of them doctors?
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Janette Rallison (Just One Wish)
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Of course those that have charm don't really need brains.
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Evelyn Waugh (Brideshead Revisited)
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Eve: β€œIf you ended up naked and dead with another woman, I'd do the Rumba on your corpse.” Roarke: β€œYou can't do the Rumba.” Eve: β€œI'd take lessons first.” Roarke: β€œYou might very well. Not that you'll ever get the chance, but you'd also grieve.” Eve: β€œWouldn't give you the satisfaction. You cheating f-wit putz. " Roarke: β€œYou'd weep in the dark and call my name.” Eve: β€œCall your name alright. How are things in hell? You dickless bastard. And I'd laugh and laugh, that's how I''d call your name.” Roarke: β€œChrist Jesus Eve, I love you.” --Eve, Roarke
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J.D. Robb (Divided in Death (In Death, #18))
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Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.
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Aristotle
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All men are born with a nose and ten fingers, but no one was born with a knowledge of God.
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Voltaire
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Shigure: We have just witnessed a classic example of what I like to call 'misdirected rage'. I believe the technical term is being an ass.
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Natsuki Takaya
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You can't fight hatred with hatred and expect anyone to listen to you. You can only try to lessen it with humor, wit, truth and commonsense. If that doesn't work run like hell, while they throw rocks at you.
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Shannon L. Alder
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There is a monsterous deal of stupid quizzing, & common-place nonsense talked, but scarcely any wit.
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Jane Austen
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Wit ought to be a glorious treat, like caviar. Never spread it about like marmalade.
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NoΓ«l Coward
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Every gay man should be familiar with Bert and Ernie." "And why is that?" Reece rolled his eyes, smiling. "Everyone knows that they're lovers." Ben stopped what he was doing and looked at the man incredulously. "Okay, Reece, seriously, can you hear yourself?" "They are!" Reece said. "They live together, share a bedroom; I'm telling you the sexual tension is very palpable." Ben raised an eyebrow and said nothing. Reece cleared his throat. "You're going to break up with me now, aren't you?
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L.A. Gilbert (Witness)
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Objection!" Metz shouts. Grounds?" the judge asks. Well...he's my witness!
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Jodi Picoult (Keeping Faith)
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We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking β€˜What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to witness a single sΓ©ance.
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Bauvard (Some Inspiration for the Overenthusiastic)
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It’s a truism in policing that witnesses and statements are fine, but nothing beats empirical physical evidence. Actually it isn’t a truism because most policemen think the word β€˜empirical’ is something to do with Darth Vader, but it damn well should be.
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Ben Aaronovitch (Moon Over Soho (Rivers of London, #2))
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In less than a year, the Bush administration will strut out of office, leaving the country in roughly the same condition a toddler leaves a diaper.
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Graydon Carter
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Husband?” β€œAye. Husband.” β€œThe slow-witted one that’s been following you? I thought he was your servant.
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G.A. Aiken (About a Dragon (Dragon Kin, #2))
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The light was only just visible - except of course that there was no one to see, no witnesses, not this time, but it was nevertheless a light.
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Douglas Adams (Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (Dirk Gently, #1))
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What have you done to your hair?” Mom’s broken voice said, pinning me back to this tiny hospital room. β€œHoly shit!” Icka patted her head as if searching. β€œYou think the nurse stole it? She looked shady.
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Phoebe Kitanidis (Whisper)
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Better to operate with detachment, then; better to have a way but infuse it with a little humor; best, to have no way at all but to have instead the wit constantly to make one's way anew from the materials at hand.
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Lewis Hyde (Trickster Makes This World: Mischief, Myth, and Art)
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But you know, mon petite, what you got is a gift. And when de good Lord gives you a gift you have to use it. Dat's why he put you here on dis earth. Sometime it's gonna be to help a soul cross over to de other side to meet him. If dat's whey you gott do, den dat's what you gotta do. You can't just keep collecting de dead. You gonna have to find a way to take what you got and work wit dat.
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Deborah Leblanc (Toe to Toe (Nonie Broussard Ghost Tracker Series))
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I'm never going to believe a Poirot mystery again. Never. All those witnesses going, "Yes, I remember it was 3:06 p.m. exactly, because I glanced at the clock as I reached for the sugar tongs, and Lady Favisham was quite clearly sitting on the right-hand side of the fireplace." Bollocks. They have no idea where Lady Favisham was, they just don't want to admit it in front of Poirot. I'm amazed he gets anywhere.
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Sophie Kinsella (I've Got Your Number)
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Tessa exploded "I am not asking you to maul me in the Whispering Gallery! By the Angel, Will, would you stop being so polite?!" He looked at her in amazement. "But wouldn't you rather-" "I would not rather. I don't want you to be polite! I want you to be Will! I don't want you to indicate points of architectural interest to me as if you were a Baedecker guide! I want you to say dreadfully mad, funny things, and make up songs and be-" The Will I fell in love with, she almost said. "And be Will," she finished instead. "Or I shall strike you with my umbrella." "I am trying to court you," Will said in exasperation. "Court you properly. That's what all this has been about. You know that, don't you?" "Mr. Rochester never courted Jane Eyre," Tessa pointed out. "No, he dressed up as a woman and terrified the poor girl out of her wits. Is that what you want?" "You would make a very ugly woman." "I would not. I would be stunning." Tessa laughed. "There," she said. "There is Will. Isn't that better? Don't you think so?" "I don't know," Will said, eyeing her. I'm afraid to answer that. I've heard that when I speak, it makes American women wish to strike me with umbrellas." Tessa laughed again, and then they were both laughing, their smothered giggles bouncing off the walls of the Whispering Gallery. After that, things were decidedly easier between them, and Will's smile when he helped her down from the carriage on their return home, was bright and real.
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Cassandra Clare (Clockwork Princess (The Infernal Devices, #3))
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If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he comes next to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. Once begun upon this downward path, you never know where you are to stop. Many a man has dated his ruin from some murder or other that perhaps he thought little of at the time.
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Thomas de Quincey
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My liege, and madam, to expostulate What majesty should be, what duty is, Why day is day, night night, and time is time, Were nothing but to waste night, day and time. Therefore, since brevity is the soul of wit, And tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes, I will be brief.
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William Shakespeare (Hamlet)
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Whoever you are, there is some younger person who thinks you are perfect. There is some work that will never be done if you don't do it. There is someone who would miss you if you were gone. There is a place that you alone can fill.
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Jacob M. Braude (Braude's Treasury of Wit and Humor for All Occasions)
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Now I must give one smirk, and then we may be rational again." Catherine turned away her head, not knowing whether she might venture to laugh. "I see what you think of me," said he gravely -- "I shall make but a poor figure in your journal tomorrow." My journal!" Yes, I know exactly what you will say: Friday, went to the Lower Rooms; wore my sprigged muslin robe with blue trimmings -- plain black shoes -- appeared to much advantage; but was strangely harassed by a queer, half-witted man, who would make me dance with him, and distressed me by his nonsense." Indeed I shall say no such thing." Shall I tell you what you ought to say?" If you please." I danced with a very agreeable young man, introduced by Mr. King; had a great deal of conversation with him -- seems a most extraordinary genius -- hope I may know more of him. That, madam, is what I wish you to say." But, perhaps, I keep no journal." Perhaps you are not sitting in this room, and I am not sitting by you. These are points in which a doubt is equally possible. Not keep a journal! How are your absent cousins to understand the tenour of your life in Bath without one? How are the civilities and compliments of every day to be related as they ought to be, unless noted down every evening in a journal? How are your various dresses to be remembered, and the particular state of your complexion, and curl of your hair to be described in all their diversities, without having constant recourse to a journal? My dear madam, I am not so ignorant of young ladies' ways as you wish to believe me; it is this delightful habit of journaling which largely contributes to form the easy style of writing for which ladies are so generally celebrated. Everybody allows that the talent of writing agreeable letters is peculiarly female. Nature may have done something, but I am sure it must be essentially assisted by the practice of keeping a journal.
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Jane Austen (Northanger Abbey)
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Does the king know you're back?" "Nope! I'm trying to think of a properly dramatic way to inform him. Perhaps a hundred chasmfiends marching in unison, singing an ode to my magnificence." "That sounds… hard." "Yeah, the storming things have real trouble tuning their tonic chords and maintaining just intonation." "I have no idea what you just said." "Yeah, the storming things have real trouble tuning their tonic chords and maintaining just intonation.
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Brandon Sanderson (The Way of Kings (The Stormlight Archive, #1))
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Whatcha doin', Freak Girl?" --------------------------- "What does it look like, brainiac?" I shot back, even surprising myself with the force of my jab. "I'll give you three guesses. No, wait. Don't strain yourself. Wouldn't want to hurt your head." I waved a flyer in his face, channeling my inner mean girl. "See these? I'm hanging them...on a...wall!" I spoke the last part slowly, as if addressing a dim-witted child. Which wasn't far off the mark, now that I thought about it. "With tape," I added, waving at the dispenser. "You know-sticky, sticky!
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Mari Mancusi (Gamer Girl)
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You remember having friends who used to lampoon the world so effortlessly, crouching at the verge of every joke and waiting to pounce on it, and you remember how they changed as they grew older and the joy of questioning everything slowly became transformed into the pain of questioning everything, like a star consuming its own core.
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Kevin Brockmeier (The View from the Seventh Layer)
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Jehovah's Witness are welcomed into my home...You gotta respect anybody who gets all dressed up in Sunday clothes and goes door-to-door on days so hot their high heels sink a half-inch into the pavement. The trick is to do all the talking yourself. Pretty soon, they'll look at their watches and say, 'Speaking of end times, wouldja look at what time it is now!
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Celia Rivenbark (Bless Your Heart, Tramp: And Other Southern Endearments)
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Dearest creature in creation, Study English pronunciation. I will teach you in my verse Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse. I will keep you, Suzy, busy, Make your head with heat grow dizzy. Tear in eye, your dress will tear. So shall I! Oh hear my prayer. Just compare heart, beard, and heard, Dies and diet, lord and word, Sword and sward, retain and Britain. (Mind the latter, how it’s written.) Now I surely will not plague you With such words as plaque and ague. But be careful how you speak: Say break and steak, but bleak and streak; Cloven, oven, how and low, Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe. Hear me say, devoid of trickery, Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore, Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles, Exiles, similes, and reviles; Scholar, vicar, and cigar, Solar, mica, war and far; One, anemone, Balmoral, Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel; Gertrude, German, wind and mind, Scene, Melpomene, mankind. Billet does not rhyme with ballet, Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet. Blood and flood are not like food, Nor is mould like should and would. Viscous, viscount, load and broad, Toward, to forward, to reward. And your pronunciation’s OK When you correctly say croquet, Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve, Friend and fiend, alive and live. Ivy, privy, famous; clamour And enamour rhyme with hammer. River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb, Doll and roll and some and home. Stranger does not rhyme with anger, Neither does devour with clangour. Souls but foul, haunt but aunt, Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant, Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger, And then singer, ginger, linger, Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge, Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age. Query does not rhyme with very, Nor does fury sound like bury. Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth. Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath. Though the differences seem little, We say actual but victual. Refer does not rhyme with deafer. Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer. Mint, pint, senate and sedate; Dull, bull, and George ate late. Scenic, Arabic, Pacific, Science, conscience, scientific. Liberty, library, heave and heaven, Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven. We say hallowed, but allowed, People, leopard, towed, but vowed. Mark the differences, moreover, Between mover, cover, clover; Leeches, breeches, wise, precise, Chalice, but police and lice; Camel, constable, unstable, Principle, disciple, label. Petal, panel, and canal, Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal. Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair, Senator, spectator, mayor. Tour, but our and succour, four. Gas, alas, and Arkansas. Sea, idea, Korea, area, Psalm, Maria, but malaria. Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean. Doctrine, turpentine, marine. Compare alien with Italian, Dandelion and battalion. Sally with ally, yea, ye, Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key. Say aver, but ever, fever, Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver. Heron, granary, canary. Crevice and device and aerie. Face, but preface, not efface. Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass. Large, but target, gin, give, verging, Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging. Ear, but earn and wear and tear Do not rhyme with here but ere. Seven is right, but so is even, Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen, Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk, Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work. Pronunciation (think of Psyche!) Is a paling stout and spikey? Won’t it make you lose your wits, Writing groats and saying grits? It’s a dark abyss or tunnel: Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale, Islington and Isle of Wight, Housewife, verdict and indict. Finally, which rhymes with enough, Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough? Hiccough has the sound of cup. My advice is to give up!!!
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Gerard Nolst TrenitΓ© (Drop your Foreign Accent)
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When I was young, some women told me they loved me for my long eyelashes. I accepted. Later it was for my wit. Then for my power and money. Then for my talent. Then for my mind-deep. OK, I can handle all of it. The only woman who scares me is the one who loves me for myself alone. I have plans for her. I have poisons and daggers and dark graves in caves to hide her head. She can't be allowed to live. Especially if she's sexually faithful and never lies and always puts me ahead of everything and everyone.
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Mario Puzo
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There was no sense to life, to the structure of things. D.H. Lawrence had known that. You needed love, but not the kind of love most people used and were used up by. Old D.H. had known something. His buddy Huxley was just an intellectual fidget, but what a marvelous one. Better than G.B. Shaw with that hard keel of a mind always scraping bottom, his labored wit finally only a task, a burden on himself, preventing him from really feeling anything, his brilliant speech finally a bore, scraping the mind and the sensibilities. It was good to read them all though. It made you realize that thoughts and words could be fascinating, if finally useless.
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Charles Bukowski (Ham on Rye)
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I let it all out--my mom's date,my dad's conversation,my confusion about it all.Caleb doesn't laugh,he doesn't pull away,he doesn't talk .. He just lets me be me. When I settle down,I lean back and witness the mess I've made on his shirt."I made ur shirt all gross," I say between sniffles. "Forget the shirt.What's going on? I could.nt understand a word you mumbled into my chest." Now I'm half laughing and half crying.
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Simone Elkeles (Leaving Paradise (Leaving Paradise, #1))
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Vous eprouves trop d'emotion, Hastings, It affects your hands and your wits. Is that a way to fold a coat? And regard what you have done to my pyjamas. If the hairwash breaks what will befall them?' 'Good heavens, Poirot,' I cried, 'this is a matter of life and death. What does it matter what happens to our clothes?' 'You have no sense of proportion Hastings. We cannot catch a train earlier than the time that it leaves, and to ruin one's clothes will not be the least helpful in preventing a murder.
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Agatha Christie (The A.B.C. Murders (Hercule Poirot, #13))
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Gran, for the gods' love, it's talk like yours that starts riots!" I said keeping my voice down. "Will you just put a stopper in it?" She looked at me and sighed. "Girl, do you ever take a breath and wonder if folk don't put out bait for you? To see if you'll bite? You'll never get a man if you don't relax." My dear old Gran. It's a wonder her children aren't every one of them as mad as priests, if she mangles their wits as she mangles mine. "Granny, "I told her, "this is dead serious. I can't relax, no more than any Dog. I'm not shopping for a man. That's the last thing I need.
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Tamora Pierce (Bloodhound (Beka Cooper, #2))
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Dear Son, I would call you by name, but I’m waiting for your mother to decide. I only hope she is joking when she calls you Albert Dalbert. For weeks now I have watched your mother zealously gather her tokens for this box. She’s so afraid of you not knowing anything about her, and it bothers me greatly that you’ll never know her strength firsthand. I’m sure by the time you read this, you’ll know everything I do about her. But you’ll never know her for yourself and that pains me most of all. I wish you could see the look on her face whenever she talks to you. The sadness she tries so hard to hide. Every time I see it, it cuts through me. She love you so much. You’re all she talks about. I have so many orders from her for you. I’m not allowed to make you crazy the way I do your Uncle Chris. I’m not allowed to call the doctors every time you sneeze and you are to be allowed to tussle with your friends without me having a conniption that someone might bruise you. Nor am I to bully you about getting married or having kids. Ever. Most of all, you are allowed to pick your own car at sixteen. I’m not supposed to put you in a tank. We’ll see about that one. I refuse to promise her this last item until I know more about you. Not to mention, I’ve seen how other people drive on the roads. So if you have a tank, sorry. There’s only so much changing man my age can do. I don’t know what our futures will hold. I only hope that when all is said and done, you are more like your mother than you are like me. She’s a good woman. A kind woman. Full of love and compassion even though her life has been hard and full of grief. She bears her scars with a grace, dignity, and humor that I lack. Most of all, she has courage the likes of which I haven’t witnessed in centuries. I hope with every part of me that you inherit all her best traits and none of my bad ones. I don’t really know what more to say. I just thought you should have something of me in here too. Love, Your father (Wulf)
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Sherrilyn Kenyon (Kiss of the Night (Dark-Hunter, #4))
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In fact, Lig never formally resigned his editorshipβ€”he merely left his office late one morning, and has never returned since. Though well over a century has now passed, many members of the Guide staff still retain the romantic notion that he has simply popped out for a sandwich and will yet return to put in a solid afternoon's work. Strictly speaking, all editors since Lig Lury Jr., have therefore been designated acting editors, and Lig's desk is still preserved the way he left it, with the addition of a small sign that says LIG LURY, JR., EDITOR, MISSING, PRESUMED FED.
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Douglas Adams (Life, the Universe and Everything (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, #3))
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If a person leads an β€˜active’ life, as Wiggs had, if a person has goals, ideals, a cause to fight for, then that person is distracted, temporarily, from paying a whole lot of attention to the heavy scimitar that hangs by a mouse hair just about his or her head. We, each of us, have a ticket to ride, and if the trip be interesting (if it’s dull, we have only ourselves to blame), then we relish the landscape (how quickly it whizzes by!), interact with our fellow travelers, pay frequent visits to the washrooms and concession stands, and hardly ever hold up the ticket to the light where we can read its plainly stated destination: The Abyss. Yet, ignore it though we might in our daily toss and tussle, the fact of our impending death is always there, just behind the draperies, or, more accurately, inside our sock, like a burr that we can never quite extract. If one has a religious life, one can rationalize one’s slide into the abyss; if one has a sense of humor (and a sense of humor, properly developed, is superior to any religion so far devised), one can minimalize it through irony and wit. Ah, but the specter is there, night and day, day in and day out, coloring with its chalk of gray almost everything we do. And a lot of what we do is done, subconsciously, indirectly, to avoid the thought of death, or to make ourselves so unexpendable through our accomplishments that death will hesitate to take us, or, when the scimitar finally falls, to insure that we β€˜live on’ in the memory of the lucky ones still kicking.
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Tom Robbins (Jitterbug Perfume)