Verbal Judo Quotes

Never react to what people say. React to what they mean. Just remember: People hardly ever say what they mean.

That’s how ancient samurai warriors viewed their battles. They lived for them. They were trained to see warfare as a joy and conflict, as a sign that they were drawing more energy.

Here is the bottom line of all communication: Empathy absorbs tension. It works every time. I have seen it even save a life.

Here then is the powerful sentence that will allow you to interrupt anyone without fear of bodily harm: “Let me be sure I heard what you just said.

YOU NEVER …” OR “YOU ALWAYS …” These absolute generalizations are lies. Is it true that a child never cleans up his room? (Okay, bad example. That may be true!) Is it true that your spouse is “always late”? Accusatory generalizations are rarely true and indicate that you have both lost perspective and will soon lose the attention of your listener.

If your antagonist can upset you, he owns you at some level.

WHEN WE EMPLOY the words that most naturally come to our lips, we run the risk of giving the greatest speech we’ll ever live to regret. We wind up saying things we can never take back.

Principle number one: Let the person say what he wants as long as he does what you say. I even tell cops that. I say, “Let them chip at you as long as they’re cooperating with you. What do you care what they say? Your attitude should be ‘Say what you want, but do as I say!’” The only time this would not work is when the words the citizen uses serve only to inflate him with adrenaline, making him or his companions more of a problem. The officer has to carefully watch a person’s body language to see when he might explode from his own initiative. It’s important to intervene before these situations get out of hand.

The secret is simple: It’s okay if someone insults, resists, or attacks you. Laugh it off. Show that it has no meaning, no sting. If you fight back and resist the affront, you give it life and credibility. If you defend yourself, you invite counterattack.

My rule is: Treat everyone the same (with REspect and dignity), but don’t talk to everyone the same way. You don’t talk to each of your children the same way, do you? Since each responds differently, based on his or her makeup and character, you instinctively learn to communicate uniquely to each one.

When you speak, you are a mouthpiece, a representative. You do not represent your own ego. Remember, the more ego you show, the less power you have over people. Egotists only create conflict. The great communicators put their egos behind them and put the purpose and goal of communication before them. Nobody likes people whose personalities intrude.

Too many people confuse empathy with sympathy. You don’t have to sympathize with or approve of another’s actions or words. Just empathize and see how powerful it makes you.

Don’t ever assume people are open and ready to listen.

Too many people who teach have no idea of the principle of teaching. The goal of education is to expand the mind. A person’s mind cannot be expanded unless he or she is motivated. There are many ways to motivate a person, but there is only one underlying principle: raise expectations.

You must think of yourself as a performer, whether before your children, your spouse, or your constituency (citizens, customers, whomever). If you can see yourself as someone who is there to make changes as you act, you will understand a most interesting point, first made by Aristotle, that audiences are made, not found.

Empathy has Latin and Greek roots. Em, from the Latin, means “to see through,” and pathy, from the Greek, means “the eye of the other…” the moment you stop thinking like your spouse, you’re headed for divorce court. The moment you stop thinking like your employer, you’d better start looking for another job. The moment you stop thinking like your friends, you’d better find yourself a new crowd to run with.

Every time you interact with somebody in your family, on the street, or in your workplace, make it your goal to improve the situation or the relationship. If you try to control people, you’ll be breathing down their necks. You can’t force people to do what you want in today’s society. You have to use your words strategically. Generate voluntary compliance and cooperation by directing rather than controlling.

A samurai warfare state of mind called mushin is defined as “the still center,” or the ability to stay calm, read your opponent, and attempt to redirect his aggression in a more positive way. If you cannot keep a still center, you cannot stay in control of yourself or the situation. The mushin state underlies both physical judo and Verbal Judo—a mind-mouth harmony, if you will. The English word closest to the idea of mushin is disinterested. Many make the mistake of defining disinterested as uninterested. In fact, disinterested means impartial. Dis is from the Latin root meaning “not” and interested is from the Latin word meaning “biased.” So the word means “not biased, open, flexible.” As you can imagine, those are the three great traits of not only a good police officer, but also of any good communicator. A closed mind misreads people and makes terrible errors. The flexible mind has the surviving strength of the willow tree, which survives even in heavy winds because it bends, it is malleable. This is precisely what we have to do and be when under the influence of verbal abuse. Being malleable is always superior to that which is unmovable, thus the judo principle of controlling things by going along with them—mastery through adaptation. This allows you the strength to deal with people different from yourself.

Another critical distinction I make for police officers, which everyone ought to know, is the difference between the word Respect and the word respect. REspect is what we have to show all people at all times. We cannot respect people who prey on others, people who beat their spouses, people who brutalize their children. I have no respect for lawbreakers, but when as a professional I deal with them, I must always show them REspect. That is the Golden Rule in a single word. I know that is a difficult and fine line to draw because the words are spelled the same, sound nearly the same (except for the emphasis on different syllables), and seem to mean the same. But think of it this way: RE in Latin means to give back, as in giving back what you want under identical conditions. So, always treat the other person as you would want to be treated under identical conditions, even if he is not worthy of your respect. In other words, even in the process of arresting you, or firing you, or disciplining you, I must extend to you the kind of behavior I would expect were I in your shoes. When we disrespect people, put them down in front of others, or make them feel bad, we lose our power and create more enemies. We lose our professional face. We get upset, we use language irresponsibly, and we no longer have a disinterested state of mind. We’re no longer great warriors of words; we’ve become part of the problem. If you can learn to deal skillfully with people under pressure, you can dance where others stumble. And that is the hallmark of the communication samurai: REspect to all, with dignity, pride, and assertiveness.

The facts don’t speak for themselves in court, in an arrest situation, in your office, or at home. People aren’t buying what you say; they’re concentrating on how you’re saying it.

Reduce your capacity for conflict, and you will reduce stress. My

Developing mind-mouth harmony is the greatest skill in the world, because if you make a mistake with either you can find yourself in serious personal danger. You can lose a marriage, stall a career, instigate violence, lose your credibility, alienate people, and lose friends. I know, I’ve done them all.

Motivate others by raising their expectations of themselves.

In contrast to the Western reliance on drugs and verbal therapies, other traditions from around the world rely on mindfulness, movement, rhythms, and action. Yoga in India, tai chi and qigong in China, and rhythmical drumming throughout Africa are just a few examples. The cultures of Japan and the Korean peninsula have spawned martial arts, which focus on the cultivation of purposeful movement and being centered in the present, abilities that are damaged in traumatized individuals. Aikido, judo, tae kwon do, kendo, and jujitsu, as well as capoeira from Brazil, are examples. These techniques all involve physical movement, breathing, and meditation.

The reason we provide formulas for people is that we don’t trust them to interact with the public. But certainly you, as I do, recognize a formula when you hear one.

Verbal Karate burned more bridges, alienated more people, and lost more opportunities for me than anything else I can think of. Oh, it often made me feel good about myself temporarily. I’d tell somebody off with my combination of educated articulation, physical prowess and presence, and macho tone of voice, and I’d strut away thinking, I told him! You bet I did! He had it coming! A few hours later, without fail, I was thumping my forehead, thinking, I should have said something else! Why did I say that? Why did I have to shoot off my big mouth?

When we disrespect people, put them down in front of others, or make them feel bad, we lose our power and create more enemies. We lose our professional face. We get upset, we use language irresponsibly, and we no longer have a disinterested state of mind. We’re no longer great warriors of words; we’ve become part of the problem.

When you say “What do you want me to do about it?” you can count on two problems: the one you started with and the one you just created by appearing to duck responsibility.

I believe the greatest abuse today is verbal abuse, which is the basis for all child abuse, spouse abuse, drug abuse, and just about any other type of abuse you can think of. In fact I would argue that verbal abuse is far more prevalent than substance abuse in our country.

History classes are full of accounts of wars caused by the desire for land and resources, but many times these wars have been fought over simple disrespect.

What separates professionalism from amateur behavior is giving our opponent no solid grounds to make a stand against us, with our comments or actions.

the gentle art of gaining voluntary compliance through empathic persuasion.

Most of us suffer from some level of brain damage.

It’s okay to be questioned, heckled, or even attacked. If you are willing to take it, you should be commended. The only way to avoid criticism is either to live in a capsule or spend your whole life trying to please everyone.

If you can carry this mind-set with you, one that appreciates other people’s sense of dignity and self-worth, curiosity and healthy suspicion, you’ll never be upset by people who initially challenge your authority.

The moment you have an idea and try to persuade others to move in concert with you, you have invited disagreement.