Vanessa Van Edwards Quotes

Being a highlighter is about constantly searching for the good in people. When you tell people they are good, they become better. When you search for what’s good, you feel great.

Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival—to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated, to be appreciated. —Stephen Covey

When you try to be the same as everyone else, it’s boring. When you try to fit into a mold, you become forgettable. When you try to be “normal,” you become dull. Just be yourself, because no one is like you. If you’re a little weird, own it. The right people will like you for it.

If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.

Whether we like to admit it or not, we decide if we like someone, if we trust someone, and if we want a relationship with someone within the first few seconds of meeting them.

Vulnerability is sexy—it shows we are relatable, honest, and real. That is attractive. And the science proves it: “A blunder tends to humanize him and, consequently, increases his attractiveness.”5

There is an African proverb that says: If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.

Don’t try to impress people, let them impress you.

Leading people is about communicating a mission and then letting them take part in it. If you want to motivate a colleague, empower a team, or inspire a friend, all you have to do is figure out how to give them ownership.

When someone does a kindness for you, they are more likely to like you.6 This is dubbed the Franklin effect.

people skills are the social lubricant of life.

With a first impression, you are a Triple Threat when you use your hands, your posture, and your eye contact. These are the three nonverbal weapons you can use to pass through all three levels of trust.

When you produce dopamine during a conversation, you not only give your partner more enjoyment, you are also assigned more significance, which increases your memorability.

Most people’s choices make sense to them. When they don’t make sense to you, it’s usually because you are being driven by a different primary value.

In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun and—SNAP—the job’s a game. —Mary Poppins

When you Name, Understand, and Transform someone out of their difficulty, you become their ally.

Assume intimacy with people before you have it.

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Just be yourself, because no one is like you. If you’re a little weird, own it. The right people will like you for it.

They remembered more when the story was printed in Comic Sans compared to Arial or Bodoni fonts.

trying to get to the root of her fear. This helps him comprehend what’s going on and allows her to sort out her emotions. Once she feels heard and validated, then she moves into stage two of the NUT Job: understanding.

Humans are purpose-driven creatures. We want to believe there are reasons behind everything we do. Before leaders can inspire action, they have to get emotional buy-in. When we explain the motivations behind a goal, it allows listeners to feel partial ownership of that goal.

The power of our first impression lies not in what we say, but how we say it. The most popular TED Talkers leveled up their audiences before even getting to their big idea. They did this by using what I call: HACK #2: The Triple Threat Make a powerful first impression by nonverbally hacking all three levels of trust.

Instead of randomly delegating or hoping people will self-select, you want to divide the list by skills. This highlights people’s abilities so they feel capable, as opposed to burdened. To do this, use what I call Skill Solicitation. Skill Solicitation is when you ask people to self-identify based on capability: Is anyone good at _____? Do you know anything about _____? I need someone who is strong with ______.

Couples with a high degree of ‘we-ness’ emphasized their ability to communicate well with each other.

I like to say that fear is a cross-dresser. It likes to wear different outfits.

Growing up, there were two small letters that sent chills down my spine: PE. Physical Education class was the bane of my awkward, prepubescent existence. The moment I walked into the musky locker room to change, my heart would start to pound. As I surreptitiously tried to change without flashing an inch of skin (sometimes even wearing a second bra as insurance) I would desperately search for any excuse to escape the daily drills and dodgeball games. Paper cut? Haircut? Apocalypse? I tried them all. Looking back, I realize I liked playing outside. What I really dreaded was the moment my coach said, “Line up, let’s pick teams!” Inevitably, the two jockiest kids were assigned as team captains, and then I spent an agonizing few minutes watching them go through my entire class before picking me or my fellow nonathletically inclined buddy, Smelly Matthew. Then one day, my elementary school social life changed. Our coach decided to allow the new girl to be team captain. She had just transferred from a nearby school and didn’t know anyone. In one of the greatest moments in PE history, she picked me first! I was so excited that I ran over to her and then held her hand while she picked the rest of our team. I think we lost in soccer that day, but I was on top of the world. After the game I asked her why she picked me. And then she said one of the greatest things anyone has ever said to me, “I wanted to get to know you.

We are often so wrapped up in our own thoughts, schedules, and agendas that we forget to tune into other people’s feelings, needs, and values.

Don’t impose your personality traits on others.

Impressing people with fake flawlessness is both impossible and exhausting. Vulnerability is what truly elevates relationships.

prevent good people from becoming difficult.

When we are afraid, our worst selves rear their ugly heads.

Researchers at UCLA found that physical pain and social rejection activate the same parts of the brain.

He argues that all interactions are actually transactions. That people cooperate simply to give and take resources from each other.

We are more inclined to enjoy being with people who visibly enjoy being with us.

When I see contempt, I think red flag. Contempt is a devious little emotion. When it isn’t addressed, it festers and grows into deep disrespect and hatred.

Don’t beat around the bush. If you hesitate or waver, toxic people will sense weakness and try to change your mind. Be clear and concise.

I don’t hold myself to other people’s compliments or requirements. I have my own standards for excellence and I hold my ground.

His sincere curiosity makes him incredibly engaging.

Speed-reading is a three-step hack—first you must decipher your own personality, then quickly figure out the person you are interacting with, then decide whether to compromise or optimize.

People often flash disgust when they are trying to think of a polite way to say they don’t like something. When we are worried about offending people, we keep our true feelings of disgust under wraps. However, if you want to get to the truth, you have to give people permission to express their real feelings.

Listen for anecdotes people tell about themselves, and then follow up by asking for advice in those areas.

You deserve to interact on your terms, with people you like.

We all have weaknesses. The right people will like you for them.

My “mistakes” were wildly entertaining. Why? I committed to them.

Whether you’re going to a housewarming party, networking event, or first date, you face the same initial challenges: How do I make a good first impression? Who should I talk to? What should I say?

When someone can see your hands, they feel more at ease and are more likely to befriend you. This is an easy one to implement. When you walk into a room or are waiting to meet someone, keep your hands out of your pockets.

Stop forcing yourself to socialize in ways that drain you. Go where you thrive, avoid where you survive. Say no so you have the energy to say yes.

Individuals with strong interpersonal communication report being 42 percent happier and more fulfilled with their lives.

Your Social Game Plan will help you find the position that’s perfect for you: where you play your best, feel the most comfortable, and are set up for the greatest success.

What they didn’t realize was that they were trying to connect with people who weren’t open to connection yet.

We noticed that the people who collected the least amount of business cards tried to pounce on people right in the Start Zone.

The other great sweet spot in the Social Zone is right near the host. Once you have your drink, you can continue to work the room by saying a brief hello and thank-you to the host. You can also ask them to introduce you around before they carry on greeting people. You can say, “Thank you so much for having me! This looks like a great group. Anyone I should meet?

With a first impression, you are a Triple Threat when you use your hands, your posture, and your eye contact.

Go where you thrive, avoid where you survive.

Put yourself in a position to be successful before you even arrive.

Stop forcing yourself to socialize in ways that drain you.

When you force yourself to go to events you are dreading, you are not only miserable, but your misery is contagious.

Only interact in places where you don’t have to fake it. No matter how many behavior hacks you learn, if you go to events that make you unhappy, it will be incredibly difficult to increase your memorability.

Generic is boring. The more specific you can be, the more likely you are to find a hot button.

Just be yourself, because no one is like you. If you’re a little weird, own it. The right people will like you for it. This is not always easy. It’s hard to own being a little unique.

It is not your customer’s job to remember you. It is your obligation and responsibility to make sure they don’t have the chance to forget you. —Patricia Fripp

The biggest thing I learned during my Vow of Silence is that the best conversations aren’t about what you say, they are about what you hear.

I am reminded that while listening is an amazing tool to get people to open up, it’s only the first step. Real connection comes from interaction.

Winners typically take up as much space as physically possible.

I prefer to appeal to the intelligence of a man rather than attempt to exercise authority over him.

You bring out the best in yourself by looking for the best in others.

When someone agrees with us, it makes us feel less alone and more right in our own opinions.

Don’t fall into the “Not me!” trap; instead, find a way to say “Me too!

Say no so you have the energy to say yes.

Special Note: Sometimes we accidentally go into loser body language when we check our phones.

If you want to check your phone, just do it like a winner.

As diverse as we all seem on the outside, our inner workings are quite similar—if not eerily predictable.

show up on your terms, and interact with people who matter to you.

Why is confidence so important? As humans, we are constantly looking for winners.

In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun and—SNAP—the job’s a game.

As his contact list grew, Howes realized he finally had something to offer his connections—his own network. “I enjoyed helping people and relished becoming what Malcolm Gladwell calls a ‘connector,’ ” said Howes.[3] He asked his VIPs who they wanted to meet and then worked to get them that connection. “I would ask people, ‘What’s your biggest challenge right now?’ and then would connect them with at least three people who I thought could help. I would literally take out my phone over our cups of coffee, make the call, and hand the person my phone,” said Howes. Howes also applied the Triple Threat to all of his interactions without even realizing it—and it worked like a charm. “I show people I’m listening to them and only them. I make eye contact, take them in, and pay attention to nothing else,” said Howes.

Now, Howes runs a successful lifestyle blog and podcast called The School of Greatness, where he interviews VIPs, experts, and luminaries on a wide variety of subjects. He uses his connection skills to find the most interesting, remarkable, and fascinating people to interview—

He found that his most successful messages mentioned at least three commonalities he had with the person. “I would try to find at least three things we shared—usually a mutual connection, a mutual interest, and a mutual organization, like a school, league, or sports team,” said Howes. These messages were short and to the point. Howes composed a sample for me using this method: Hi Vanessa! My name is Lewis and I wanted to reach out because I saw you’re also friends with Nick Onken, we do work with Pencils of Promise together. I’m based in LA and saw you’re from here. Do you ever get back in town? Would love to connect. Howes crafted a strategy for his follow-up messages, too. “I told them I loved their work and wanted to learn from them. I was direct and said, ‘My goal is to learn about you and your success,’ ” said Howes. He ended every interaction with a specific question they could answer.

The more you have in common with someone, the more likable you become. We like people like us. The Thread Theory is an easy way to captivate attraction by simply searching for shared interests, asking why, and then offering to help. Always be on the lookout for ways to say, “Me too!” Don’t overthink what you are going to say, just search for commonalities. Go deeper by asking the Five Whys. Tie yourself to someone by making their problem your own.

Perfection is a strange beast. We strive to be perfect so others will like us but don’t like people who try too hard to be perfect. The pursuit of perfection not only makes it nearly impossible to connect with people, it also makes us unattractive. Want to connect with people more quickly? Try to embrace these vulnerability cures: Admit when you’re wrong Don’t pretend to know a band you’ve actually never heard of Ask for forgiveness When you don’t know what a word means, ask Say sorry Be okay saying, “I don’t know” Following these rules will help you build relationships.

One of their most popular videos is called “The World’s Biggest Eye Contact Experiment.” In this video, Liberators ask strangers to participate in one minute of sustained eye contact with another stranger. “We were definitely nervous going into it…it’s quite confronting to stare a stranger in the eye and allow yourself to be vulnerable,” said West. The results were overwhelming. Over 100,000 people participated in the experiment in 156 cities around the world. After just one minute of eye contact, stranger after stranger ended their moment in tears, hugs, and astonishment. As West concluded, “Holding eye contact with another person can evoke many feelings…it calls on true courage to trust another being.”[11] Why is eye contact so powerful? It produces oxytocin, the chemical foundation for trust. We’re programmed to interpret it as a nonverbal signal of goodwill. When you like someone, you look at them more.

There were clear winners. Here they are in order of highest rank to lowest: What was the highlight of your day? What personal passion project are you working on? Have anything exciting coming up in your life? What’s your story? What brings you here? What do you do? How are you?

Romantic Primary Value: If you had to describe the best part of your relationship, what would it be? What is the greatest gift your partner could give you, tell you, or do for you? When you are with your partner, you feel most worthy when:

Professional Primary Value: What gives you a sense of purpose at work? What do you hope to get from the work you do? During the workday, I feel most worthy when:

Social Primary Value: What is your favorite thing about being with your closest friends? What would you add to your social interactions to make them even better? When I am with my closest friends, I feel most content when:

Tapping into your values is one of the most powerful things you can know about yourself and the people around you. Why? Knowing your primary value is the key to contentment. Want to know why you’re in a funk? Your primary value isn’t being met. Want to know why a relationship isn’t working for you? It’s probably a value misalignment. Want to understand why you made a poor choice? Your primary value was driving you in a different direction. Many of my students say that decoding their own matrix was just as powerful as learning how to decode others’. Our primary value is at the heart of who we are, the choices we make, and what drives us.

Most people’s choices make sense to them. When they don’t make sense to you, it’s usually because you are being driven by a different primary value. Knowing primary value differences with the people in your life can help explain: Why some people drive you absolutely crazy Most relationship misunderstandings Unpredictable choices and behavior from the people you care about

for you is: Who are your people? You can accelerate your learning pace by drawing from the strength of others. We all need supporters in our lives. So let’s take stock of who’s on your team. Read the following prompts and write down the person who pops into your head for each: Who do you love spending time with?        Who makes you laugh?        Who makes you feel valued?        Who do you go to when you need to strategize?        Who do you most look forward to seeing?        Who do you call in a crisis?        Who makes you feel like your best self?        Who do you wish you could get to know better?        Take a moment to look at your answers.

There is an African proverb that says: If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. My question for you is: Who are your people? You can accelerate your learning pace by drawing from the strength of others. We all need supporters in our lives. So let’s take stock of who’s on your team. Read the following prompts and write down the person who pops into your head for each: Who do you love spending time with?        Who makes you laugh?        Who makes you feel valued?        Who do you go to when you need to strategize?        Who do you most look forward to seeing?        Who do you call in a crisis?        Who makes you feel like your best self?        Who do you wish you could get to know better?        Take a moment to look at your answers.

Being an amazing listener is not just about what you hear, it’s how you respond to what you hear. In every conversation, every interaction, every meeting we have, we want to give people a reason to remember us.

When we are afraid, our worst selves rear their ugly heads. In social situations, fears can become even more aggravated. When we are around others, we fear: Being judged Not being liked Not meeting anyone we like Being rejected Being left out Being laughed at Saying something and having nobody laugh Being criticized Being perceived as boring Being weird Being out of control Being misunderstood Being forgotten Being different

I like to say that fear is a cross-dresser. It likes to wear different outfits. Sometimes fear can cause us to: Be people pleasers Be bossy Be defensive Be gossipy Be avoidant Be mean Be awkward Be boring Be critical Be narcissistic Go into denial Be needy Seek compliments Be selfish Be dramatic Looking at this list, which sounds most like your reaction to fear? How does your fear dress up?

There is an African proverb that says: If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. My question for you is: Who are your people?