Vanessa Van Edwards Quotes

Being a highlighter is about constantly searching for the good in people. When you tell people they are good, they become better. When you search for what’s good, you feel great.

Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival—to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated, to be appreciated. —Stephen Covey

When you try to be the same as everyone else, it’s boring. When you try to fit into a mold, you become forgettable. When you try to be “normal,” you become dull. Just be yourself, because no one is like you. If you’re a little weird, own it. The right people will like you for it.

If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.

Whether we like to admit it or not, we decide if we like someone, if we trust someone, and if we want a relationship with someone within the first few seconds of meeting them.

Don’t try to impress people, let them impress you.

Vulnerability is sexy—it shows we are relatable, honest, and real. That is attractive. And the science proves it: “A blunder tends to humanize him and, consequently, increases his attractiveness.”5

There is an African proverb that says: If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.

Leading people is about communicating a mission and then letting them take part in it. If you want to motivate a colleague, empower a team, or inspire a friend, all you have to do is figure out how to give them ownership.

people skills are the social lubricant of life.

When someone does a kindness for you, they are more likely to like you.6 This is dubbed the Franklin effect.

With a first impression, you are a Triple Threat when you use your hands, your posture, and your eye contact. These are the three nonverbal weapons you can use to pass through all three levels of trust.

Most people’s choices make sense to them. When they don’t make sense to you, it’s usually because you are being driven by a different primary value.

When you Name, Understand, and Transform someone out of their difficulty, you become their ally.

When you produce dopamine during a conversation, you not only give your partner more enjoyment, you are also assigned more significance, which increases your memorability.

In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun and—SNAP—the job’s a game. —Mary Poppins

Just be yourself, because no one is like you. If you’re a little weird, own it. The right people will like you for it.

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Assume intimacy with people before you have it.

They remembered more when the story was printed in Comic Sans compared to Arial or Bodoni fonts.

Impressing people with fake flawlessness is both impossible and exhausting. Vulnerability is what truly elevates relationships.

trying to get to the root of her fear. This helps him comprehend what’s going on and allows her to sort out her emotions. Once she feels heard and validated, then she moves into stage two of the NUT Job: understanding.

Humans are purpose-driven creatures. We want to believe there are reasons behind everything we do. Before leaders can inspire action, they have to get emotional buy-in. When we explain the motivations behind a goal, it allows listeners to feel partial ownership of that goal.

The power of our first impression lies not in what we say, but how we say it. The most popular TED Talkers leveled up their audiences before even getting to their big idea. They did this by using what I call: HACK #2: The Triple Threat Make a powerful first impression by nonverbally hacking all three levels of trust.

Instead of randomly delegating or hoping people will self-select, you want to divide the list by skills. This highlights people’s abilities so they feel capable, as opposed to burdened. To do this, use what I call Skill Solicitation. Skill Solicitation is when you ask people to self-identify based on capability: Is anyone good at _____? Do you know anything about _____? I need someone who is strong with ______.

Generic is boring. The more specific you can be, the more likely you are to find a hot button.

Just be yourself, because no one is like you. If you’re a little weird, own it. The right people will like you for it. This is not always easy. It’s hard to own being a little unique.

It is not your customer’s job to remember you. It is your obligation and responsibility to make sure they don’t have the chance to forget you. —Patricia Fripp

The biggest thing I learned during my Vow of Silence is that the best conversations aren’t about what you say, they are about what you hear.

I prefer to appeal to the intelligence of a man rather than attempt to exercise authority over him.

You bring out the best in yourself by looking for the best in others.

As diverse as we all seem on the outside, our inner workings are quite similar—if not eerily predictable.

Special Note: Sometimes we accidentally go into loser body language when we check our phones.

In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun and—SNAP—the job’s a game.

When you force yourself to go to events you are dreading, you are not only miserable, but your misery is contagious.

Only interact in places where you don’t have to fake it. No matter how many behavior hacks you learn, if you go to events that make you unhappy, it will be incredibly difficult to increase your memorability.

Put yourself in a position to be successful before you even arrive.

show up on your terms, and interact with people who matter to you.

Why is confidence so important? As humans, we are constantly looking for winners.

Stop forcing yourself to socialize in ways that drain you.

Go where you thrive, avoid where you survive.

Say no so you have the energy to say yes.

Winners typically take up as much space as physically possible.

If you want to check your phone, just do it like a winner.

I am reminded that while listening is an amazing tool to get people to open up, it’s only the first step. Real connection comes from interaction.

When someone agrees with us, it makes us feel less alone and more right in our own opinions.

Don’t fall into the “Not me!” trap; instead, find a way to say “Me too!

Whether you’re going to a housewarming party, networking event, or first date, you face the same initial challenges: How do I make a good first impression? Who should I talk to? What should I say?

Your Social Game Plan will help you find the position that’s perfect for you: where you play your best, feel the most comfortable, and are set up for the greatest success.

Individuals with strong interpersonal communication report being 42 percent happier and more fulfilled with their lives.

When someone can see your hands, they feel more at ease and are more likely to befriend you. This is an easy one to implement. When you walk into a room or are waiting to meet someone, keep your hands out of your pockets.

We noticed that the people who collected the least amount of business cards tried to pounce on people right in the Start Zone.

What they didn’t realize was that they were trying to connect with people who weren’t open to connection yet.

The other great sweet spot in the Social Zone is right near the host. Once you have your drink, you can continue to work the room by saying a brief hello and thank-you to the host. You can also ask them to introduce you around before they carry on greeting people. You can say, “Thank you so much for having me! This looks like a great group. Anyone I should meet?

Stop forcing yourself to socialize in ways that drain you. Go where you thrive, avoid where you survive. Say no so you have the energy to say yes.

With a first impression, you are a Triple Threat when you use your hands, your posture, and your eye contact.

When I see contempt, I think red flag. Contempt is a devious little emotion. When it isn’t addressed, it festers and grows into deep disrespect and hatred.

People often flash disgust when they are trying to think of a polite way to say they don’t like something. When we are worried about offending people, we keep our true feelings of disgust under wraps. However, if you want to get to the truth, you have to give people permission to express their real feelings.

You deserve to interact on your terms, with people you like.

Couples with a high degree of ‘we-ness’ emphasized their ability to communicate well with each other.

He argues that all interactions are actually transactions. That people cooperate simply to give and take resources from each other.

Don’t impose your personality traits on others.

Listen for anecdotes people tell about themselves, and then follow up by asking for advice in those areas.

Speed-reading is a three-step hack—first you must decipher your own personality, then quickly figure out the person you are interacting with, then decide whether to compromise or optimize.

Growing up, there were two small letters that sent chills down my spine: PE. Physical Education class was the bane of my awkward, prepubescent existence. The moment I walked into the musky locker room to change, my heart would start to pound. As I surreptitiously tried to change without flashing an inch of skin (sometimes even wearing a second bra as insurance) I would desperately search for any excuse to escape the daily drills and dodgeball games. Paper cut? Haircut? Apocalypse? I tried them all. Looking back, I realize I liked playing outside. What I really dreaded was the moment my coach said, “Line up, let’s pick teams!” Inevitably, the two jockiest kids were assigned as team captains, and then I spent an agonizing few minutes watching them go through my entire class before picking me or my fellow nonathletically inclined buddy, Smelly Matthew. Then one day, my elementary school social life changed. Our coach decided to allow the new girl to be team captain. She had just transferred from a nearby school and didn’t know anyone. In one of the greatest moments in PE history, she picked me first! I was so excited that I ran over to her and then held her hand while she picked the rest of our team. I think we lost in soccer that day, but I was on top of the world. After the game I asked her why she picked me. And then she said one of the greatest things anyone has ever said to me, “I wanted to get to know you.

We are often so wrapped up in our own thoughts, schedules, and agendas that we forget to tune into other people’s feelings, needs, and values.

We are more inclined to enjoy being with people who visibly enjoy being with us.

Researchers at UCLA found that physical pain and social rejection activate the same parts of the brain.

Don’t beat around the bush. If you hesitate or waver, toxic people will sense weakness and try to change your mind. Be clear and concise.

I don’t hold myself to other people’s compliments or requirements. I have my own standards for excellence and I hold my ground.

His sincere curiosity makes him incredibly engaging.

We all have weaknesses. The right people will like you for them.

My “mistakes” were wildly entertaining. Why? I committed to them.

prevent good people from becoming difficult.

When we are afraid, our worst selves rear their ugly heads.

I like to say that fear is a cross-dresser. It likes to wear different outfits.

Being an amazing listener is not just about what you hear, it’s how you respond to what you hear. In every conversation, every interaction, every meeting we have, we want to give people a reason to remember us.

He found that his most successful messages mentioned at least three commonalities he had with the person. “I would try to find at least three things we shared—usually a mutual connection, a mutual interest, and a mutual organization, like a school, league, or sports team,” said Howes. These messages were short and to the point. Howes composed a sample for me using this method: Hi Vanessa! My name is Lewis and I wanted to reach out because I saw you’re also friends with Nick Onken, we do work with Pencils of Promise together. I’m based in LA and saw you’re from here. Do you ever get back in town? Would love to connect. Howes crafted a strategy for his follow-up messages, too. “I told them I loved their work and wanted to learn from them. I was direct and said, ‘My goal is to learn about you and your success,’ ” said Howes. He ended every interaction with a specific question they could answer.

As his contact list grew, Howes realized he finally had something to offer his connections—his own network. “I enjoyed helping people and relished becoming what Malcolm Gladwell calls a ‘connector,’ ” said Howes.[3] He asked his VIPs who they wanted to meet and then worked to get them that connection. “I would ask people, ‘What’s your biggest challenge right now?’ and then would connect them with at least three people who I thought could help. I would literally take out my phone over our cups of coffee, make the call, and hand the person my phone,” said Howes. Howes also applied the Triple Threat to all of his interactions without even realizing it—and it worked like a charm. “I show people I’m listening to them and only them. I make eye contact, take them in, and pay attention to nothing else,” said Howes.

Now, Howes runs a successful lifestyle blog and podcast called The School of Greatness, where he interviews VIPs, experts, and luminaries on a wide variety of subjects. He uses his connection skills to find the most interesting, remarkable, and fascinating people to interview—

The more you have in common with someone, the more likable you become. We like people like us. The Thread Theory is an easy way to captivate attraction by simply searching for shared interests, asking why, and then offering to help. Always be on the lookout for ways to say, “Me too!” Don’t overthink what you are going to say, just search for commonalities. Go deeper by asking the Five Whys. Tie yourself to someone by making their problem your own.

Romantic Primary Value: If you had to describe the best part of your relationship, what would it be? What is the greatest gift your partner could give you, tell you, or do for you? When you are with your partner, you feel most worthy when:

Professional Primary Value: What gives you a sense of purpose at work? What do you hope to get from the work you do? During the workday, I feel most worthy when:

Social Primary Value: What is your favorite thing about being with your closest friends? What would you add to your social interactions to make them even better? When I am with my closest friends, I feel most content when:

Tapping into your values is one of the most powerful things you can know about yourself and the people around you. Why? Knowing your primary value is the key to contentment. Want to know why you’re in a funk? Your primary value isn’t being met. Want to know why a relationship isn’t working for you? It’s probably a value misalignment. Want to understand why you made a poor choice? Your primary value was driving you in a different direction. Many of my students say that decoding their own matrix was just as powerful as learning how to decode others’. Our primary value is at the heart of who we are, the choices we make, and what drives us.

Most people’s choices make sense to them. When they don’t make sense to you, it’s usually because you are being driven by a different primary value. Knowing primary value differences with the people in your life can help explain: Why some people drive you absolutely crazy Most relationship misunderstandings Unpredictable choices and behavior from the people you care about

One of their most popular videos is called “The World’s Biggest Eye Contact Experiment.” In this video, Liberators ask strangers to participate in one minute of sustained eye contact with another stranger. “We were definitely nervous going into it…it’s quite confronting to stare a stranger in the eye and allow yourself to be vulnerable,” said West. The results were overwhelming. Over 100,000 people participated in the experiment in 156 cities around the world. After just one minute of eye contact, stranger after stranger ended their moment in tears, hugs, and astonishment. As West concluded, “Holding eye contact with another person can evoke many feelings…it calls on true courage to trust another being.”[11] Why is eye contact so powerful? It produces oxytocin, the chemical foundation for trust. We’re programmed to interpret it as a nonverbal signal of goodwill. When you like someone, you look at them more.

Perfection is a strange beast. We strive to be perfect so others will like us but don’t like people who try too hard to be perfect. The pursuit of perfection not only makes it nearly impossible to connect with people, it also makes us unattractive. Want to connect with people more quickly? Try to embrace these vulnerability cures: Admit when you’re wrong Don’t pretend to know a band you’ve actually never heard of Ask for forgiveness When you don’t know what a word means, ask Say sorry Be okay saying, “I don’t know” Following these rules will help you build relationships.

I like to say that fear is a cross-dresser. It likes to wear different outfits. Sometimes fear can cause us to: Be people pleasers Be bossy Be defensive Be gossipy Be avoidant Be mean Be awkward Be boring Be critical Be narcissistic Go into denial Be needy Seek compliments Be selfish Be dramatic Looking at this list, which sounds most like your reaction to fear? How does your fear dress up?

for you is: Who are your people? You can accelerate your learning pace by drawing from the strength of others. We all need supporters in our lives. So let’s take stock of who’s on your team. Read the following prompts and write down the person who pops into your head for each: Who do you love spending time with?        Who makes you laugh?        Who makes you feel valued?        Who do you go to when you need to strategize?        Who do you most look forward to seeing?        Who do you call in a crisis?        Who makes you feel like your best self?        Who do you wish you could get to know better?        Take a moment to look at your answers.

There is an African proverb that says: If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. My question for you is: Who are your people? You can accelerate your learning pace by drawing from the strength of others. We all need supporters in our lives. So let’s take stock of who’s on your team. Read the following prompts and write down the person who pops into your head for each: Who do you love spending time with?        Who makes you laugh?        Who makes you feel valued?        Who do you go to when you need to strategize?        Who do you most look forward to seeing?        Who do you call in a crisis?        Who makes you feel like your best self?        Who do you wish you could get to know better?        Take a moment to look at your answers.

There were clear winners. Here they are in order of highest rank to lowest: What was the highlight of your day? What personal passion project are you working on? Have anything exciting coming up in your life? What’s your story? What brings you here? What do you do? How are you?

When we are afraid, our worst selves rear their ugly heads. In social situations, fears can become even more aggravated. When we are around others, we fear: Being judged Not being liked Not meeting anyone we like Being rejected Being left out Being laughed at Saying something and having nobody laugh Being criticized Being perceived as boring Being weird Being out of control Being misunderstood Being forgotten Being different

There is an African proverb that says: If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. My question for you is: Who are your people?

As humans, we are desperate to be heard. The biggest thing I learned during my Vow of Silence is that the best conversations aren’t about what you say, they are about what you hear.

You might notice that highly competent people will often partner with highly warm folks to balance them out. Many famous duos include a highly warm character and a highly competent character. This is a good way to think about how these traits play off each other.

We have just learned our five big charisma cues (and many little ones in between)—these are the nonverbal signals that can be used for both warmth and competence. Remember to front, stay open, lean in, use space, and gaze with purpose.

The best way to tell the difference between a real and a fake smile is that a real smile activates those eye crinkles, or crow’s-feet

Incredibly, research found that people who use Botox to numb their furrow muscles feel less angry and irritable. When your muscles physically can’t make the face of anger, you actually feel less angry. However, if people Botox their smile lines, they also feel less joy.

While we’re uncomfortable listening to a nervous pitch, we love hearing a confident pitch. When we use our lowest comfortable pitch, we project confidence. It’s important to draw a distinction here. Confident pitch is not as deep as you can possibly go in your vocal range, but is the lowest pitch you can employ comfortably.

When I’m nervous, I tend to swallow my name. I’ve had to practice slowing myself down. When I say my name, I gesture toward my heart and enunciate my name clearly, instead of rushing through it. I’ve found many people rush through their name. After all, we’ve heard our own name a million times but your audience hasn’t, so say it slowly.” - “Struggle with pauses or speak too fast? Add pause lines.

No matter what, steer clear of the Danger Zone by avoiding asking anything boring or negative. Never ask “Been busy?” and try to stay away from non-question questions. These are questions that are so socially scripted we don’t even register them. “How are ya?,” “What’s up?,” and “What’s going on?” are boring, shmoring. No more, please!

Use colors that appeal to your team. Back in 2016, my company was looking to hire a marketing agency. We received several proposals but one stood out. Why? The pitch used our brand colors, fonts, and images “from our website. Instead of having their brand all over the presentation, they matched ours. It made the company’s ideas look like our ideas because they were already using our brand visual cues.

CHARISMA CUE #1: Lean Like a Leader Can we play a little mind game together? Wherever you are right now—whether you’re sitting or standing, would you mind leaning forward, please? Not too far, just a few inches. Go ahead and hold the lean for ten seconds. How does it feel? Notice anything interesting? This simple movement activates a specific part of your brain that makes you feel more motivated. In a fascinating experiment, researchers found that when they asked participants to lean forward, they had increased neural activation in the left frontal cortex.6 This is the part of our brain associated with desire and motivation—it creates an eagerness to move toward something. The control group, who was asked to lean back, didn’t exhibit any increased activation at all. When we lean in, we literally feel more motivation. When we lean back, we lose motivation.

Researchers have even found that a podium blocks presenters’ ability to share new material.12 If you can help it, avoid standing behind a podium at all costs. It’s a huge blocker to charisma.

Most people like crossing their arms. Crossing our arms feels good because it makes us feel less vulnerable. With our arms across our chest, we protect our vital organs. But it comes at a cost. Your charisma is compromised for a little extra comfort. And many of us merely cross our arms out of habit. This small nonverbal cue creates a physical and emotional barrier between you and the people you’re trying to connect with.

WHEN TO BE OPEN When you are in one-on-one interactions where you need to build rapport. Make a show of removing all barriers between you and others. Clear the table in a client meeting. Push aside a computer in a brainstorming session. Move your clipboard to the side when talking to people. Scoot your coffee over on a date. Open body, open heart, open mind. When you need to spark ideas. Want to be more creative, open-minded, imaginative? Uncross your arms. Want others to be more creative, open-minded, or imaginative? Encourage them to uncross theirs. Hand them a cup of water, give them a pen to take notes, show them a photo of your family so they have to open up and lean in. When you are presenting or pitching. Always try to be barrier free—an open torso is the most charismatic. Use a remote instead of sitting in front of your computer. Step away from the podium. Leave your arms loose by your sides so you can gesture easily and keep your torso open to the audience. When you are choosing profile pictures—especially for LinkedIn or dating app profiles. A closed body signals a closed mind and a closed heart. WHEN NOT TO BE OPEN When openness is not the right message. Irish mixed martial artist Conor McGregor is often photographed with his arms crossed. And this makes complete sense for his brand. He doesn’t want to be seen as open! It’s better for his reputation to be seen as closed, intimidating, and tough. For him, crossed arms sends the right cues—he wants to be in the Danger Zone. When you don’t want to engage. Is someone making you feel uncomfortable? Cross those arms! If you want to signal you’re closed for business or aren’t open to someone’s ideas, block them out. This works well with close talkers or over-touchers.

One person’s mood can affect both the mood of others and an entire group’s collaboration and decisions.

One study found that people with strong nonverbal cue recognition earn more money in their jobs.3 Why? Being able to quickly and accurately read emotions gives you an incredible advantage in the workplace. You can better predict behavior, spot hidden feelings, and get your ideas across more clearly. People who are adept at nonverbal skills “are considered more socially and politically skilled than others by their colleagues,” explains the study’s author.

Labeling negative cues reduces their impact. Learning cues will help you spot and stop negative cues being sent to you and be more in control of the cues you send to others. Your cues can also help you influence for good and be positively contagious. Leaders can learn to spread productive feelings to others. When you project warmth, people are more likely to be warm with you. When you project a competent, confident calm, others are more likely to follow suit. Your charisma cues can flip others’ negative ones. We just need to model the cues we want to inspire in others.

WHEN NOT TO FRONT When you want to prevent distraction. If I’m focusing intently on something and want to respectfully signal “I don’t want to be bothered right now,” then I do not front. When someone is opening up too much. Ever had someone verbally vomit all over you? Or share TMI—too much information? If you find someone is oversharing, stop fronting! You’ve given them too much engagement. Angling away is a nice way to cue them to slow down and back up. When you don’t have time or space. John Stockton made thousands of successful passes without fully fronting first. Sometimes all he had time for was a quick look or turn of the head. And that can work too when you are pressed for time—it’s certainly better than no turn at all! When you need to be covert. Some of Stockton’s best assists were made on the sly, where he deliberately didn’t front because he was sneaking a pass to someone. If you’re trying to hide your attention and intentions, don’t front.

There are four areas around our body where we like to interact with different categories of people: (1) the intimacy zone, about zero to eighteen inches from our body; (2) the personal zone, about eighteen inches to four feet; (3) the social zone, about four to seven feet; and (4) the public zone, with anything beyond seven feet. Intimacy Zone: We prefer to have only people we highly trust this close to us because it potentially makes our body vulnerable. When someone is in this space, they can reach out and touch us, kiss us, punch us, or take something from us. We often feel uneasy when someone accidentally enters our intimate zone. Personal Zone: This is the most commonly used zone. In this zone we can easily reach out and shake hands with someone. When we speak to colleagues, friends, or family members, this distance makes it easy to hear someone as well as exchange familiar gestures like arm touches or high fives. Social Zone: This zone is most often used for business or professional interactions that don’t require touch or deep conversation. It’s often used at parties, when ordering at a bar, or sitting around a conference table in a meeting. Public Zone: This zone gives us enough space to figure out someone’s intentions before an approach. If you are seven feet from someone, you can see their entire body, their hand gestures and posture. Someone might wave, nod, or call out to us from the public zone before being invited closer.

CHARISMA CUE #4: Be Smart with Space

researchers found that highly charismatic, likable, compelling people demonstrate a special blend of two specific traits: warmth and competence.

First, we quickly assess someone’s warmth, answering the question: Can I trust you? Then we look for competence, answering the question: Can I rely on you?

Here’s the key: You might be the most competent, warmest person in the world, but if you don’t show it, people won’t believe you.

When you need more credibility or to be taken seriously, as in negotiations, pitches, and important interviews, dial up competence

Know you need more trust, collaboration, and openness with someone? Dial up your warmth cues. Know you’re interacting with someone who is higher in competence? Dial up your competence cues as a sign of respect.

The number one way to improve your interactions is to send clear cues based on your goals. When you need more credibility or to be taken seriously, as in negotiations, pitches, and important interviews, dial up competence. Additionally, if you’re with someone who appreciates highly intelligent, capable, efficient people, use more competence cues. If you want to build more collaboration and trust, dial up warmth. If you’re with someone who values connection, rapport, and empathy, you should generate warm cues.

Thatcher was known for her control. She “stood leaning against the parliamentary podium, elbow out as if she owned it. Her head tilted upward. Her voice strong, loud, and with controlled pauses … Her body and face still,” explained the researchers. Winfrey is known for her expressiveness. She “moves with gusto—her arms are long and she gestures broadly. Her facial expressions carry every feeling—she cries, and laughs. … She sits and stands and moves all around,” explained the researchers. Winfrey and Thatcher both fall into the Charisma Zone, but they have different leanings. And that’s good! We don’t want everyone to look the same or mimic cues like robots.

Yes, there is one formula to charisma—warmth cues plus competence cues. But each of us has our own special balance. As long as you’re in the Charisma Zone, you’re showcasing enough warmth and competence to be perceived as credible and trustworthy.

And the best part? The most charismatic people move flexibly within the Charisma Zone. Need a little more warmth in a situation? Use more warmth cues. Need to inject competence into an interaction? Add competence cues. You can use the Charisma Scale like a dial.

Plant yourself and see how close the person comes to you. If they come right into your personal zone, they likely feel very comfortable with you and are excited to connect. If they stand or sit farther back, hanging out in the social zone (or even just waving or nodding from the public zone), then they likely need more time to warm up. If they come into your intimate zone, take note! They probably want to get very close physically or emotionally. In one study, researchers directed a negative comment—something like “Your handwriting is messy”—toward a participant.22 They found that negative comments caused participants to pick seats farther away from the researcher who had insulted them. Not too shocking, right?

The fastest way to show someone that you’re interested, present, and engaged is to fully square your body toward them. The biggest mistake we make while attempting to build connection is giving only partial nonverbal attention.

Crushes and Bosses When my team and I observed work holiday parties, we noticed most people’s toes were angled toward the boss, the most important person in the room, even when people weren’t speaking with her. Want to know who people really respect? Watch their toes. People also tend to point their toes toward their crush. When our mind is on someone, our toes follow suit and are always at the ready to physically move toward them.

WHEN TO USE FRONTING To signal respect and/or care. Make sure your torso is turned toward people who matter to you. Greet your boss with full fronting when they come through the office doors, front with your partner when they’re sharing good news, always swivel your chair toward the person speaking. To see what others value. Pay attention to where others are pointing their toes, torso, and top—it might give you a deeper understanding of where they’re focusing. At the office. Make your office setup and furniture fronting-friendly. Move chairs and desks to make it easy for everyone to front. Circular boardroom tables are best. Swivel chairs make it easy. When it’s time to go. Occasionally, I desperately need to escape a party early—my ambivertfn2 self isn’t the most charismatic after nine p.m. I casually indicate my desire to leave a conversation by fronting toward the door. You would be pleasantly surprised at how often people pick up on this subtle cue.

Highly charismatic people leverage space to show and encourage intimacy.

Honor Any Humor Don’t feel pressure to be funny. It’s great if you can create humor, but it’s even better if you can honor other people’s humor. Always be ready to laugh. Think of a laugh like a compliment. It’s telling someone you appreciate them. PRINCIPLE

WHEN TO TILT To show someone you’re interested and listening. To deliver bad news. To be seen as higher in warmth. To encourage someone to open up. WHEN NOT TO TILT If you’re trying to look powerful. If you want to discourage someone from talking. Ever been with someone who won’t stop talking? Or won’t end a meeting? Don’t tilt! If you’re already high in warmth, head tilting will make it hard to climb back into competence. Use it sparingly.

Warmth cues create a wow factor for everything about you. They signal trustworthiness, engagement, inclusion—all the warm and fuzzy feelings that make us feel close to others. Using tilts, nods, eyebrow raises, savor smiles, touches, and mirroring creates a halo effect around you.

Disney’s original goal of bringing people happiness is the underlying operational principle that carries on even today. Disney calls it the “Wow Factor.” Wowing guests is not only about meeting those high expectations but exceeding them. Every employee of Disney Parks operates under one main requirement: “Every guest be treated like a VIP—that is, a very important, very individual person.” How do they do this? Not only with a helpful can-do attitude, but also with a specific set of nonverbal behaviors. Yes, really. Disney University teaches every single person who works in Disney parks—from janitors to princesses—the specific nonverbal cues to use with guests.3 And they all embody the pinnacle of warmth. These little warmth cues might seem small, but to Disney they are an important part of the wow experience—baked into the very essence of what it means to visit a Disney park. “It is this plethora of little wows, many of which seem fairly insignificant at the time, on which Quality Service depends. If the little wows are delivered consistently and continuously, they add up to a big WOW!” And so it is with the nonverbal warmth cues in our interactions as well.

WARMTH CUE #2: Nod to Know

Nodding is a great way to inspire agreement. Most people make the mistake of hiding or stifling their feelings in meetings or interactions. If you agree with something, show it. Here is another weird effect of nodding: When you nod yes, you get the other person to speak more … 67 percent more. Researchers observed applicants interviewing for civil service positions. They found that when the interviewer nodded, the duration of interviewees’ speech increased by 67 percent.

WHEN TO EYEBROW RAISE To encourage someone to speak up. Do you work with or spend time with a serious introvert? Introverts may struggle with sharing their ideas. You can encourage them to share with an eyebrow raise in their direction. A quick raise shows them that you would like to hear from them without calling them out. Use an eyebrow raise any time you want to show curiosity or interest. Use it to greet someone you like. WHEN NOT TO EYEBROW RAISE If someone is pushing your buttons, keep those eyebrows down. An eyebrow raise will only encourage them to keep doing what they’re doing. Don’t do it too often. You do not want to look permanently surprised. In Japan, the eyebrow raise is used to indicate romantic interest. Therefore, if you’re in Japan, suppress it in professional situations. WARMTH CUE #4: Savor Smiles Here’s something that won’t surprise you at all: We’re 9.7 times more likely to be seen as warm when we’re smiling.23 A smile is a pure warmth cue. But what might surprise you is that smiling is not just about warmth or happiness. It’s also about engagement. Smiling makes you more memorable.

WARMTH CUE #6: Mirroring Makes You Magnetic

Warning: Mirroring is so potent that only subtle mirroring is needed. Copy every cue and you will quickly stray into creepy territory. The key is to mirror subtly—no need to copy every gesture.

Most people make the mistake of not looking too excited when negotiating for something they want. This actually works against you! Using nonverbal warmth and competence both builds rapport with your negotiator and helps them respect you—which might get you a better deal. Researchers even found that nonverbal ambivalence (trying to be neutral) hurts your ability to negotiate.33 They found that showing nonverbal signs of disappointment when you hear a bad offer can actually cause the person you’re negotiating with to make larger concessions. This is a more authentic way to negotiate—why hide your excitement or stifle your upset? Show it all! Highlight your true feelings. When you hear something that you don’t like or don’t agree with, switch to your Danger Zone cues. This is a nonconfrontational yet clear way to show disappointment and get the other person to make concessions without having to say a word. They offer you a bad price: you lip purse. They offer an unworkable timeline: you furrow your brow and cross your arms. They don’t give you what you need: you shake your head no and turn away. These are subtle nonverbal ways of saying, No thanks. Can you do any better?

VOCAL POWER CUE #5: Pause for Power For the first twenty-seven years of my life, I was addicted to verbal fillers. Specifically, I used um, so, like, well, and you know when I was nervous, thinking, waiting, or stalling, and sometimes simply out of habit. Verbal fillers destroy your credibility. One study found speakers who use fillers are seen as less prepared and less competent.

highly charismatic leaders and found they use nonverbal cues to move, inspire, or captivate others.24 And their presence is contagious. Their confidence breeds confidence in others. They’re also characterized by their ability to both decode the emotional needs of others and encode the right cues to inspire and spur emotion in others. When the researchers showed videotaped speeches of leaders to participants and asked them to rate the speakers on their charisma, they found that the highest-rated speakers blended both competence cues and warmth cues. They: Used dynamic hand and body gestures. Showed more erect posture. Maintained eye contact, especially at the end of statements. Had a more open body and didn’t engage in blocking behaviors. Nodded more. Were more emotionally expressive through their facial expressions, gestures, and tone of voice (there will be more on this in the section on vocal cues). Invited others to speak up. Sat at the head of the table. Had a greater repertoire of cues and strategies to express themselves. Touched themselves less but touched others more.

One audience member, Bob, was my vocal lifeline. Bob is very vocally expressive and has this wonderful habit of murmuring “Mmm” to himself whenever he feels inspired or interested. Whether he realized it or not, every few minutes he would “Mmm” me with encouragement. When I surprised him with a study or new fact, he would audibly say, “Aha!” in the otherwise silent soundstage. It gave me more confidence. He’s also an authentically loud laugher—cueing others to laugh heartily along with the awkward jokes that I like to share while teaching. From my spot onstage, I could hear his subtle vocal encouragement every time I shared a good point. His vocal invitations were gifts to me as a teacher. It was as if he was tossing me little vocal snacks from the audience, giving me energy to keep going and keep at it. Most important, these vocal invitations were encouraging for other students! I noticed when he said, “Aha!” other students would look up from their notes and nod. When he laughed, they laughed. Vocal invitations create warmth for everyone.