Vanessa Van Edwards Quotes

Being a highlighter is about constantly searching for the good in people. When you tell people they are good, they become better. When you search for what’s good, you feel great.

Next to physical survival, the greatest need of a human being is psychological survival—to be understood, to be affirmed, to be validated, to be appreciated. —Stephen Covey

When you try to be the same as everyone else, it’s boring. When you try to fit into a mold, you become forgettable. When you try to be “normal,” you become dull. Just be yourself, because no one is like you. If you’re a little weird, own it. The right people will like you for it.

If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.

Whether we like to admit it or not, we decide if we like someone, if we trust someone, and if we want a relationship with someone within the first few seconds of meeting them.

Don’t try to impress people, let them impress you.

There is an African proverb that says: If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.

Vulnerability is sexy—it shows we are relatable, honest, and real. That is attractive. And the science proves it: “A blunder tends to humanize him and, consequently, increases his attractiveness.”5

When someone does a kindness for you, they are more likely to like you.6 This is dubbed the Franklin effect.

With a first impression, you are a Triple Threat when you use your hands, your posture, and your eye contact. These are the three nonverbal weapons you can use to pass through all three levels of trust.

Leading people is about communicating a mission and then letting them take part in it. If you want to motivate a colleague, empower a team, or inspire a friend, all you have to do is figure out how to give them ownership.

When you produce dopamine during a conversation, you not only give your partner more enjoyment, you are also assigned more significance, which increases your memorability.

Most people’s choices make sense to them. When they don’t make sense to you, it’s usually because you are being driven by a different primary value.

people skills are the social lubricant of life.

Assume intimacy with people before you have it.

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In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun and—SNAP—the job’s a game. —Mary Poppins

When you Name, Understand, and Transform someone out of their difficulty, you become their ally.

Just be yourself, because no one is like you. If you’re a little weird, own it. The right people will like you for it.

They remembered more when the story was printed in Comic Sans compared to Arial or Bodoni fonts.

trying to get to the root of her fear. This helps him comprehend what’s going on and allows her to sort out her emotions. Once she feels heard and validated, then she moves into stage two of the NUT Job: understanding.

Humans are purpose-driven creatures. We want to believe there are reasons behind everything we do. Before leaders can inspire action, they have to get emotional buy-in. When we explain the motivations behind a goal, it allows listeners to feel partial ownership of that goal.

The power of our first impression lies not in what we say, but how we say it. The most popular TED Talkers leveled up their audiences before even getting to their big idea. They did this by using what I call: HACK #2: The Triple Threat Make a powerful first impression by nonverbally hacking all three levels of trust.

Instead of randomly delegating or hoping people will self-select, you want to divide the list by skills. This highlights people’s abilities so they feel capable, as opposed to burdened. To do this, use what I call Skill Solicitation. Skill Solicitation is when you ask people to self-identify based on capability: Is anyone good at _____? Do you know anything about _____? I need someone who is strong with ______.

Couples with a high degree of ‘we-ness’ emphasized their ability to communicate well with each other.

I like to say that fear is a cross-dresser. It likes to wear different outfits.

Growing up, there were two small letters that sent chills down my spine: PE. Physical Education class was the bane of my awkward, prepubescent existence. The moment I walked into the musky locker room to change, my heart would start to pound. As I surreptitiously tried to change without flashing an inch of skin (sometimes even wearing a second bra as insurance) I would desperately search for any excuse to escape the daily drills and dodgeball games. Paper cut? Haircut? Apocalypse? I tried them all. Looking back, I realize I liked playing outside. What I really dreaded was the moment my coach said, “Line up, let’s pick teams!” Inevitably, the two jockiest kids were assigned as team captains, and then I spent an agonizing few minutes watching them go through my entire class before picking me or my fellow nonathletically inclined buddy, Smelly Matthew. Then one day, my elementary school social life changed. Our coach decided to allow the new girl to be team captain. She had just transferred from a nearby school and didn’t know anyone. In one of the greatest moments in PE history, she picked me first! I was so excited that I ran over to her and then held her hand while she picked the rest of our team. I think we lost in soccer that day, but I was on top of the world. After the game I asked her why she picked me. And then she said one of the greatest things anyone has ever said to me, “I wanted to get to know you.

We are often so wrapped up in our own thoughts, schedules, and agendas that we forget to tune into other people’s feelings, needs, and values.

Don’t impose your personality traits on others.

Impressing people with fake flawlessness is both impossible and exhausting. Vulnerability is what truly elevates relationships.

prevent good people from becoming difficult.

When we are afraid, our worst selves rear their ugly heads.

Researchers at UCLA found that physical pain and social rejection activate the same parts of the brain.

He argues that all interactions are actually transactions. That people cooperate simply to give and take resources from each other.

We are more inclined to enjoy being with people who visibly enjoy being with us.

When I see contempt, I think red flag. Contempt is a devious little emotion. When it isn’t addressed, it festers and grows into deep disrespect and hatred.

Don’t beat around the bush. If you hesitate or waver, toxic people will sense weakness and try to change your mind. Be clear and concise.

I don’t hold myself to other people’s compliments or requirements. I have my own standards for excellence and I hold my ground.

His sincere curiosity makes him incredibly engaging.

Speed-reading is a three-step hack—first you must decipher your own personality, then quickly figure out the person you are interacting with, then decide whether to compromise or optimize.

People often flash disgust when they are trying to think of a polite way to say they don’t like something. When we are worried about offending people, we keep our true feelings of disgust under wraps. However, if you want to get to the truth, you have to give people permission to express their real feelings.

Listen for anecdotes people tell about themselves, and then follow up by asking for advice in those areas.

You deserve to interact on your terms, with people you like.

We all have weaknesses. The right people will like you for them.

My “mistakes” were wildly entertaining. Why? I committed to them.

Whether you’re going to a housewarming party, networking event, or first date, you face the same initial challenges: How do I make a good first impression? Who should I talk to? What should I say?

When someone can see your hands, they feel more at ease and are more likely to befriend you. This is an easy one to implement. When you walk into a room or are waiting to meet someone, keep your hands out of your pockets.

Stop forcing yourself to socialize in ways that drain you. Go where you thrive, avoid where you survive. Say no so you have the energy to say yes.

Individuals with strong interpersonal communication report being 42 percent happier and more fulfilled with their lives.

Your Social Game Plan will help you find the position that’s perfect for you: where you play your best, feel the most comfortable, and are set up for the greatest success.

What they didn’t realize was that they were trying to connect with people who weren’t open to connection yet.

We noticed that the people who collected the least amount of business cards tried to pounce on people right in the Start Zone.

The other great sweet spot in the Social Zone is right near the host. Once you have your drink, you can continue to work the room by saying a brief hello and thank-you to the host. You can also ask them to introduce you around before they carry on greeting people. You can say, “Thank you so much for having me! This looks like a great group. Anyone I should meet?

With a first impression, you are a Triple Threat when you use your hands, your posture, and your eye contact.

Go where you thrive, avoid where you survive.

Put yourself in a position to be successful before you even arrive.

Stop forcing yourself to socialize in ways that drain you.

When you force yourself to go to events you are dreading, you are not only miserable, but your misery is contagious.

Only interact in places where you don’t have to fake it. No matter how many behavior hacks you learn, if you go to events that make you unhappy, it will be incredibly difficult to increase your memorability.

Generic is boring. The more specific you can be, the more likely you are to find a hot button.

Just be yourself, because no one is like you. If you’re a little weird, own it. The right people will like you for it. This is not always easy. It’s hard to own being a little unique.

It is not your customer’s job to remember you. It is your obligation and responsibility to make sure they don’t have the chance to forget you. —Patricia Fripp

The biggest thing I learned during my Vow of Silence is that the best conversations aren’t about what you say, they are about what you hear.

I am reminded that while listening is an amazing tool to get people to open up, it’s only the first step. Real connection comes from interaction.

Winners typically take up as much space as physically possible.

I prefer to appeal to the intelligence of a man rather than attempt to exercise authority over him.

You bring out the best in yourself by looking for the best in others.

When someone agrees with us, it makes us feel less alone and more right in our own opinions.

Don’t fall into the “Not me!” trap; instead, find a way to say “Me too!

Say no so you have the energy to say yes.

Special Note: Sometimes we accidentally go into loser body language when we check our phones.

If you want to check your phone, just do it like a winner.

As diverse as we all seem on the outside, our inner workings are quite similar—if not eerily predictable.

show up on your terms, and interact with people who matter to you.

Why is confidence so important? As humans, we are constantly looking for winners.

In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun and—SNAP—the job’s a game.