Valentine Funny Quotes

How bad does it have to be before you do something about it?

Hackers are nerdy, pasty, tubby, little geeks with triple thick glasses and this is probably a demented otaku with smelly feet. So catching him will be a breeze!

To Rosie You wrote that card didn't you? From Alex To Alex What card? From Rosie To Rosie Very funny. I no it was you. From Alex To Alex I really don't know what you're talking about. Why would I send you a Valentine's card? From Rosie To Rosie Ha ha! How did you no it was a Valentine's Card! The only way you could no is if you sent it. You love me, you want to marry me. From Alex

I watch my heart disappearing into her rosebud mouth. My Valentine's jest somehow seems less funny.

The first time I heard you laugh, I only wanted to say funny things so you would always be laughing. You know what happens to chocolate when you leave it out in the sun? I’m that unfortunate chocolate and you, you are the laughing sun. For this reason, I am offering myself to you not as a martyr or some selfless fool, but as a self-indulgent moth who actively pursues the light without much fear for the flame. The moth who revels in the heat and declares: Burn me.

They say you’re meant to live everyday as if it were your last, which I’ve always thought was daft, since no one would ever pay the gas bill if that was the case, but what if it were your first?

And it was funny. The silence of him had a bizarre effect on her. Normally, she was the quiet one in situations, preferring to keep her own council and not share her thoughts on anything. But with John's mute presence, she felt curiously compelled to talk. "I'm stuffed," she said, lying back against the pillows. As he cocked a brow and lifted the last Danish, she shook her head. "God...no. I couldn't manage another thing." And it was only then that he began to eat. "You waited for me ?" she said, frowning. When he ducked her gaze and shrugged, she cursed softly. " You didn't have to." Another shrug. As she watched him, she murmured, "You have beautiful table manners." His blush was the color of Valentine's Day and she had to tell her heart to calm the fuck down as it started to beat fast.

You said not to do anything that might accidentally contribute to the apocalypse,” Magnus said. “I know you were joking. But it’s less funny when I can’t rid myself of the feeling that the apocalypse is coming, somehow. Valentine Morgenstern nearly wiped out the Shadowhunters, and his son is twice as clever and six times as evil. And he will not come alone. He has help, from demons greater than my father, from others—

Unless the object of the singer’s affection is a vampire, surely what Hart means is unphotogenic. Only vampires are unphotographable, but affectionate ‘-enic’ rhymes are hard to come by.

Valentine's day without your love is like a year without the Internet.

And just as I'm about to lay on the Yi-Wang-Smooth, I see Lay #1 and Lay #3 show up to our table and take the two empty seats nearby. From: "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story

Like a driver who has lost control of his vechicle, I was bracing for the impending crash." From: "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story

Summoning my inner Kojak, I tried to convince myself that she would have sat next to me even had there been somewhere else on the bus to sit. Unfortunately, I didn't do a very good job of self-persuasion. Good thing I wasn't in court suing myself, because I would have lost. From: "My Best Valentine's Day.Ever: A Short Story

Although they probably know that some children were used and some children are used as miners, most adults are ignorant of the chocolate industry’s use of minors.

New York City is legendary for sleeping around. There's hot tail everywhere and it's such a big city that two-timing and even three-timing is very doable, if you plan it right." From "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever. (a Short Story)

Everything is going as planned until I notice that Ashley has barely touched her wine glass or food after ordering the priciest bottle and several of the most expensive dishes on the menu. From "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story

Our whole lives, it was like we were always trying so hard to be perfect - for our families and our friends, for each other - when the funny thing was, we didn't have to. In the end, we were better than that.

This was getting uglier by the minute, I thought. There really was no easy escape, since we were sitting far from the exit and the waiters knew me from prior dinner dates with Ashley and I hadn't paid the tab yet. From: "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story

So I'm delighted to open up a bit about these particular details, in honor of Valentine's Day (when every balding, chubby, and short actuary wants people - especially the babes out there - to know about his studly past" From: "My Best Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story

This isn’t America, dumbass. It’s Canada. People aren’t supposed to have guns in Canada.” “Whatever. They’re basically the same.

It's funny. Friendships are Catch twenty-twos when you're single and in your thirties. Friends are your life rafts. You try to help each other meet people, you confide in each other, you spend Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, all those emotional land-mine holidays together. But sooner or later one of you is going to meet someone and be gone into the world of couples.

If I could do all of that on February 14th, it would be a personal best for me. Something to share with my crew for the glory and the laughs, or to cheer up the next buddy of mine to get dumped or cheated on. From "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: A Short Story

Men come and go. Husbands stay.

Someone once said hell was other people. They were right. Specifically, hell was watching other people swan around an ice rink, drinking hot chocolate and making googly eyes at each other like they were in the middle of a goddamn Hallmark movie. It wasn’t even Christmas season, for fuck’s sake. It was worse. It was Valentine’s Day. A muscle flexed in my jaw as Bridget’s laughter floated over, joined by Steffan’s deeper laugh, and the urge to murder someone—someone male with blond hair and a name that began with S—intensified. What was so fucking hilarious, anyway? I couldn’t imagine anything being that funny, least of all something Steffan the Saint said.

The room where they were dancing was very dark.... It was queer to be in his arms.... She had known better dancers.... He had looked ill.... Perhaps he was.... Oh, poor Valentine-Elisabeth.... What a funny position!.... The good gramophone played.... Destiny!.... You see, father! ... In his arms! Of course, dancing is not really.... But so near the real thing! So near!... 'Good luck to the special intention!...' She had almost kissed him on the lips ... All but!... Effleurer, the French call it.... But she was not as humble.... He had pressed her tighter.... All these months without.... My lord did me honour.... Good for Malbrouck s'en va-t-en guerre.... He knew she had almost kissed him on the lips.... And that his lips had almost responded.... The civilian, the novelist, had turned out the last light.... Tietjens said, 'Hadn't we better talk?...' She said: 'In my room, then! I'm dog-tired.... I haven't slept for six nights.... In spite of drugs...' He said: 'Yes. Of course! Where else?....

Real men drink liquor, Reid. Not Coors. And whatever the hell this is.” He turned Wyatt’s bottle around so he could see the label. “Pabst?” Wyatt, pulled his beer away from Ash’s grasp. “Fuck you. I like PBR just fine.” Ash held up his hands disarmingly. “You know who drinks PBR? Hipsters. And nobody over the age of four.

If you want a real relationship, it has to be built on trust. If the foundation is weak, the structure will fall.

But he didn’t need to see color to know she was beautiful.

This is America.” Raum shrugged. “Anyone can find a gun.” “This isn’t America, dumbass. It’s Canada. People aren’t supposed to have guns in Canada.

He kissed her like he was starved. Like he’d never kissed before.

People were bumping into me. I didn’t like it.

If you can’t keep yourself from murdering people when we go out, you should stay home.

Get out of my sight before I spank you with this spatula.

Things I Used to Get Hit For: Talking back. Being smart. Acting stupid. Not listening. Not answering the first time. Not doing what I’m told. Not doing it the second time I’m told. Running, jumping, yelling, laughing, falling down, skipping stairs, lying in the snow, rolling in the grass, playing in the dirt, walking in mud, not wiping my feet, not taking my shoes off. Sliding down the banister, acting like a wild Indian in the hallway. Making a mess and leaving it. Pissing my pants, just a little. Peeing the bed, hardly at all. Sleeping with a butter knife under my pillow. Shitting the bed because I was sick and it just ran out of me, but still my fault because I’m old enough to know better. Saying shit instead of crap or poop or number two. Not knowing better. Knowing something and doing it wrong anyway. Lying. Not confessing the truth even when I don’t know it. Telling white lies, even little ones, because fibbing isn’t fooling and not the least bit funny. Laughing at anything that’s not funny, especially cripples and retards. Covering up my white lies with more lies, black lies. Not coming the exact second I’m called. Getting out of bed too early, sometimes before the birds, and turning on the TV, which is one reason the picture tube died. Wearing out the cheap plastic hole on the channel selector by turning it so fast it sounds like a machine gun. Playing flip-and-catch with the TV’s volume button then losing it down the hole next to the radiator pipe. Vomiting. Gagging like I’m going to vomit. Saying puke instead of vomit. Throwing up anyplace but in the toilet or in a designated throw-up bucket. Using scissors on my hair. Cutting Kelly’s doll’s hair really short. Pinching Kelly. Punching Kelly even though she kicked me first. Tickling her too hard. Taking food without asking. Eating sugar from the sugar bowl. Not sharing. Not remembering to say please and thank you. Mumbling like an idiot. Using the emergency flashlight to read a comic book in bed because batteries don’t grow on trees. Splashing in puddles, even the puddles I don’t see until it’s too late. Giving my mother’s good rhinestone earrings to the teacher for Valentine’s Day. Splashing in the bathtub and getting the floor wet. Using the good towels. Leaving the good towels on the floor, though sometimes they fall all by themselves. Eating crackers in bed. Staining my shirt, tearing the knee in my pants, ruining my good clothes. Not changing into old clothes that don’t fit the minute I get home. Wasting food. Not eating everything on my plate. Hiding lumpy mashed potatoes and butternut squash and rubbery string beans or any food I don’t like under the vinyl seat cushions Mom bought for the wooden kitchen chairs. Leaving the butter dish out in summer and ruining the tablecloth. Making bubbles in my milk. Using a straw like a pee shooter. Throwing tooth picks at my sister. Wasting toothpicks and glue making junky little things that no one wants. School papers. Notes from the teacher. Report cards. Whispering in church. Sleeping in church. Notes from the assistant principal. Being late for anything. Walking out of Woolworth’s eating a candy bar I didn’t pay for. Riding my bike in the street. Leaving my bike out in the rain. Getting my bike stolen while visiting Grandpa Rudy at the hospital because I didn’t put a lock on it. Not washing my feet. Spitting. Getting a nosebleed in church. Embarrassing my mother in any way, anywhere, anytime, especially in public. Being a jerk. Acting shy. Being impolite. Forgetting what good manners are for. Being alive in all the wrong places with all the wrong people at all the wrong times.

Just one thing. . .” Dallas starts. I can tell by the tone that he thinks he’s going to be funny. I turn and look at him, waiting. He’s scrunching up his face. “Him? You picked him?” “Shut up right now if you know what’s good for you.” “I mean, maybe with the lights off, or from far away, maybe, but up close?” he shudders. “That’s it. You’re on lockdown.” He gets on his knees. “Wait! No! I was kidding! I. . .” I hold up a hand. “Nope.” I take my pointer finger and circle my face and torso. “This? All of this? Now off limits.

Isn't Glen an accountant? We're all frugal." These days, by necessity. "You might be frugal, but Glen is cheap. For Valentine's Day, he actually suggested that we go to a card shop, exchange cards in the aisle, then put them back because he didn't see the use in spending the money!" "Okay, that's cheap." Libby huffed. "I swear, if he cuts up my Bloomingdale's card, I'll cut off his pecker.

My first impression of him was that he was free spirited, clever, funny. That proved to be completely inaccurate. We left the party together and walked around for hours, lied to each other about our happy lives, ate pizza at midnight, took the Staten Island Ferry back and forth and watched the sun rise. I gave him my phone number at the dorm. By the time he finally called me, two weeks later, I’d become obsessed with him. He kept me on a long, tight leash for months—expensive meals, the occasional opera or ballet. He took my virginity at a ski lodge in Vermont on Valentine’s Day. It wasn’t a pleasurable experience, but I trusted he knew more about sex than I did, so when he rolled off and said, “That was amazing,” I believed him. He was thirty-three, worked for Fuji Bank at the World Trade Center, wore tailored suits, sent cars to pick me up at my dorm, then the sorority house sophomore year, wined and dined me, and asked for head with no shame in the back of cabs he charged to the company account. I took this as proof of his masculine value. My “sisters” all agreed; he was “suave.” And I was impressed by how much he liked talking about his emotions, something I’d never seen a man do. “My mom’s a pothead now, and that’s why I have this deep sadness.” He took frequent trips to Tokyo for work and to San Francisco to visit his twin sister. I suspected she discouraged him from dating me.

Danny’s Song” by Kenny Loggins “Reminder” by Mumford & Sons “Barton Hollow” by The Civil Wars “Like a Bridge Over Troubled Waters” by Simon and Garfunkel “I and Love and You” by The Avett Brothers “Make You Feel My Love” by Adele “Can’t Break Her Fall” by Matt Kearney  “Stillborn” by Black Label Society “Come On Get Higher” by Matt Nathanson “I Won’t Give Up” by Jason Mraz “This Girl” by City & Colour “My Funny Valentine” by Ella Fitzgerald “Dream a Little Dream of Me” by Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong “Stormy Blues” by Billie Holiday “I would be Sad” by The Avett Brothers “Hello, I’m Delaware” by City & Colour “99 Problems” by Hugo (originally written and performed by Jay-Z) “It’s Time” by Imagine Dragons “Let It Be Me” by Ray LaMontagne “Rocketship” by Guster “Don’t Drink The Water” by Dave Matthews Band “Blackbird” by The Beatles

Open your eyes, Eva. I want you to see who’s inside you. She did as he asked and opened her eyes. And stiffened in surprise. He was red. And his eyes were black. And, as she watched, he grew to his seven-foot-tall size. He grew everywhere, in fact, and she gasped at the sudden stretch inside her, the tightness almost unbearable. Those freaky, all-black eyes narrowed in challenge. He was daring her to accept him, she realized. Accept all of him. Even his hands had turned to claws, though he was careful where he held her not to scratch her. “Your eyes are glowing again,” he growled. “You’re so beautiful.” He did a slow slide out of her and then pushed back in, finishing with a roll of his hips that made her see stars. She moaned at the exquisite fullness, bordering on the edge of pain. “Who’s fucking you right now, Eva?” “You are.” His hips rolled again. “Who am I?” “Asmodeus.” And again. “Who am I.” “My demon. My big, red demon with his big, red co— Oh, fuck, Ash.” His next thrust sent her core clenching up, and it was his turn to moan. “You feel so good. So damned tight, you’re squeezing me like a fist.” “More, baby. I want more.

Open your eyes, Eva. I want you to see who’s inside you. She did as he asked and opened her eyes. And stiffened in surprise. He was red. And his eyes were black. And, as she watched, he grew to his seven-foot-tall size. He grew everywhere, in fact, and she gasped at the sudden stretch inside her, the tightness almost unbearable. Those freaky, all-black eyes narrowed in challenge. He was daring her to accept him, she realized. Accept all of him. Even his hands had turned to claws, though he was careful where he held her not to scratch her. “Your eyes are glowing again,” he growled. “You’re so beautiful.” He did a slow slide out of her and then pushed back in, finishing with a roll of his hips that made her see stars. She moaned at the exquisite fullness, bordering on the edge of pain. “Who’s fucking you right now, Eva?” “You are.” His hips rolled again. “Who am I?” “Asmodeus.” And again. “Who am I.” “My demon. My big, red demon with his big, red co— Oh, fuck, Ash.” His next thrust sent her core clenching up, and it was his turn to moan. “You feel so good. So damned tight, you’re squeezing me like a fist.” “More, baby. I want more.

metastases has become talk of a few months left. When I saw her in A&E, despite obvious suspicions, I didn’t say the word ‘cancer’ – I was taught that if you say the word even in passing, that’s all a patient remembers. Doesn’t matter what else you do, utter the C-word just once and you’ve basically walked into the cubicle and said nothing but ‘cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer’ for half an hour. And not that you’d ever want a patient to have cancer of course, I really really didn’t want her to. Friendly, funny, chatty – despite the litres of fluid in her abdomen splinting her breathing – we were like two long-lost pals finding themselves next to each other at a bus stop and catching up on all our years apart. Her son has a place at med school, her daughter is at the same school my sister went to, she recognized my socks were Duchamp. I stuck in a Bonanno catheter to take off the fluid and admitted her to the ward for the day team to investigate. And now she’s telling me what they found. She bursts into tears, and out come all the ‘will never’s, the crushing realization that ‘forever’ is just a word on the front of Valentine’s cards. Her son will qualify from medical school – she won’t be there. Her daughter will get married – she won’t be able to help with the table plan or throw confetti. She’ll never meet her grandchildren. Her husband will never get over it. ‘He doesn’t even know how to work the thermostat!’ She laughs, so I laugh. I really don’t know what to say. I want to lie and tell her everything’s going to be fine, but we both know that it won’t. I hug her. I’ve never hugged a patient before – in fact, I think I’ve only hugged a grand total of five people, and one of my parents isn’t on that list – but I don’t know what else to do. We talk about boring practical things, rational concerns, irrational concerns, and I can see from her eyes it’s helping her. It suddenly strikes me that I’m almost certainly the first person she’s opened up to about all this, the only one she’s been totally honest with. It’s a strange privilege, an honour I didn’t ask for. The other thing I realize is that none of her many, many concerns are about herself; it’s all about the kids, her husband, her sister, her friends. Maybe that’s the definition of a good person.

Dear Human, My Human, the Old Lady (that’s her name) is a Russian scientist. Old Lady made a big scientific discovery: found the key to my eternal youth. Or even to immortality, if we like. Old Lady made herself immortal first. I don’t blame her. Next, Martha-the-White-Rat. Then, me and my sister Milly—we trace our pedigree through the purest blood lines of Bavarian-born Spaniels. But then she stopped. My other siblings look all aged by now. But at my 17, I look no more than three or four. My sister Milly got stuck at puppy age. We watch the photos of our relatives on Facebook, and we are saddened that Old Lady did not make them immortal too. That she keeps it a secret. And I am so worried about my friend Fox Theodore. He is at the hight of his financial and physical might now, but I know he will age. My best friend. I once tried to unlock the Secret. Me and Raccoon. (Raccoon’s a human, but he is sort of my buddy.) That turned out to be my big mistake. Lots other Humans came coveting the Secret too, which resulted in a lot of unpleasant and funny stories. More unpleasant. In the aftermath, Old Lady had to flee and I got misplaced. All my own fault. Now I’m trying to get found. Have you seen my Old Lady? You’d recognize her: her hands and face are way too young, plus she always clips her amber brooch. If you see her, tell her where I stay: 7 White Goose Lane, Ducklingburg, South Duck United State of America P.S. Tell her from me that she is the very finest Human in the whole world and that I am very lonely here without her. Zip, the Spaniel Dog

Sister didn't have to make a special valentine for Billy Grizzwold. She found the perfect one for him at the card store. It showed a scary-looking Frankenbear-type monster with a bolt on each side of his neck. It said: Monsters come in every shape and size. But when it comes to creepy, you take the prize! She'd sign it, "Guess Who." She couldn't wait to see Billy's face when he opened it at the class Valentine's Day party. But Sister forgot to watch when Billy opened her valentine because among the valentines she received was one that took her breath away. It was all hearts and flowers and inside it said, “Will you be my special friend?” “Wow!” said Lizzy Bruin. “It must have cost a whole dollar!” “It’s signed, ‘Guess who,’” said Sister. “Who do you suppose it’s from?” “Well, I know who you hope it’s from,” said Lizzy. “If somebody sent me a beautiful valentine that cost a whole dollar, I’d sure want to know who it was from. There’s Herbie over by the punch bowl. Go ask him.” Sister started for the punch bowl, but Billy Grizzwold blocked her way. He had the valentine Sister had sent him. “I’ll be glad to get you some punch,” said Billy. “And throw it down my back?” said Sister. “No, nothing like that,” said Billy. “I’m sorry about all the stuff I did. And I really don’t blame you for sending me this. It’s really pretty funny. How’d you like that valentine I sent you?” “You sent me?” said Sister. “You sent me this valentine?” “Yep,” said Billy. “I saved up for weeks to get it.” Sister was confused. She didn’t know what to say, so she just said, “Thanks.

How’d you like that valentine I sent you?” “You sent me?” said Sister. “You sent me this valentine?” “Yep,” said Billy. “I saved up for weeks to get it.” Sister was confused. She didn’t know what to say, so she just said, “Thanks.” She was still confused that evening when she showed Billy’s valentine to Mama. “Well, it certainly is beautiful,” said Mama, “and I understand your puzzlement. It takes me back to when I was a cub your age. There was this awful boy, just like Billy Grizzwold. He was just awful. The things he did! One time he chased me with a thousand-legger.” “Yuck!” said Sister. “And that wasn’t the worst of it,” continued Mama. “Once he put a giant bullfrog in my lunch box. It scared me half to death when it jumped out. It scared the whole class. It got me in a peck of trouble.” “How about that awful boy?” asked Sister. “Didn’t he get in trouble?” “Oh, yes. From time to time!” said Mama. “But after a while, he straightened out, got married, and raised a family. He became a solid citizen.” “Do I know him?” asked Sister. “Yes,” said Mama. “He’s sitting right over there. It was your papa.” Sister looked over at Papa, whose face was buried in the newspaper.

Well, class,” said Teacher Jane. “As I guess you all know, Valentine’s Day is coming. We’re going to have a valentine party with punch and cookies, and we’re all going to give valentines to each other.” “Yippee!” cried the class. “Oh, yeah?” said Sister under her breath. “If she thinks I’m going to send a valentine to that no-good, rotten Billy Grizzwold, she’s got another think coming.” But Sister had another think coming, too. She began to think about what kind of valentine Herbie Cubbison might send her. She was still thinking about it that night at dinner when the phone rang. “It’s probably for you, Brother,” said Papa. “So you might as well answer it.” “That’s right,” said Sister. “It’s probably one of your sweethearts.” “You cut that out!” said Brother as he went to answer the phone. “I wish you wouldn’t tease your brother like that,” said Mama. “Well,” said Sister when Brother returned, “which one of your sweethearts was it, Bonnie, Jill, or Alexis?” “It was Bonnie, if you must know,” said Brother, “and she was calling about math homework.” “Uh-huh,” said Sister. “But that’s not the real reason she was calling. The real reason is that Valentine’s Day is coming and she wants to make sure you send her an icky-sticky valentine with lots of kisses.” “You cut that out!” shouted Brother. “Mama, if she doesn’t cut that out, I’m gonna--” But the phone rang again. “It’s probably Jill this time,” said Sister as Brother went to the phone.

The next day, Billy Grizzwold came over to Sister at recess. “Can I ask you something?” he said. “I guess so,” said Sister. “Could we sit together at the assembly tomorrow?” “You won’t bring any worms or toads?” “Nope,” said Billy. “I promise.” “Okay,” said Sister. So the next day, Billy and Sister sat together at assembly. He brought her a flower. It was a daisy. Sister forgot all about Herbie Cubbison. And that afternoon, Sister pressed Billy’s daisy in a book.

Uh-oh!” said Lizzy. “There’s a boy coming over from the boys’ side of the playground, and guess who it is.” There wasn’t any rule about a boys’ side and a girls’ side at Bear Country School. But the boys did sort of stay on one side of the playground and the girls on the other. Oh! I hope it’s Herbie Cubbison! thought Sister. Sister Bear liked Herbie, and everybody knew it--except maybe Herbie. “Is it Herbie?” asked Sister, not wanting to look. “No,” said Lizzy. “It’s Billy Grizzwold.” “Oh, no! Not that awful Billy Grizzwold!” said Sister, turning the rope faster and faster. “Hey, slow down,” said Amy. “Hi, Sister!” said Billy. “Don’t you ‘hi’ me, said Sister, “and you better not have a worm, like you did yesterday, or a dead mouse, like you did the day before!” “No worm. No dead mouse,” said Billy. “Just me!” And with that he began jumping with Amy and got tangled in the rope. Down they all fell in a heap. “Why, you…!” said Sister. She pulled the rope free and ran after Billy. Sister was a fast runner. But Billy was faster and kept just ahead of her. Oh, why doesn’t Herbie Cubbison come to my rescue? thought Sister as she chased Billy around and around the playground. Herbie was too busy playing fistball even to notice.

Well, class,” said Teacher Jane. “As I guess you all know, Valentine’s Day is coming. We’re going to have a valentine party with punch and cookies, and we’re all going to give valentines to each other.” “Yippee!” cried the class. “Oh, yeah?” said Sister under her breath. “If she thinks I’m going to send a valentine to that no-good, rotten Billy Grizzwold, she’s got another think coming.” But Sister had another think coming, too. She began to think about what kind of valentine Herbie Cubbison might send her.

There were twenty-four cubs in Sister’s class, and every cub had to send a valentine to every other cub. They didn’t have to be expensive and you could make them if you wanted to. Sister thought she might just make one for that no-good, rotten Billy Grizzwold. She began to think about what it might say. Roses are red. Violets are blue. Nobody needs a doofus like you. Or: Daffodils are yellow. Roses are red. I need you like a hole in the head! “A penny for your thoughts,” said Mama. “Er--uh,” said Sister, “I was just thinking of a valentine to send to Billy Grizzwold.” “Is Billy a special friend of yours?” asked Mama. “A special friend?” said Sister, her eyes flashing. “Does a friend knock you down when you’re jumping rope? Does a friend chase after you with a dead mouse? Does a friend put a hop toad in your lunch box?” “I suppose not,” said Mama. “But--” “There are no buts about it, Mama,” continued Sister. “That Billy Grizzwold is a no-good nuisance and if he doesn’t stop bothering me…” “Why don’t you ask your boyfriend, Herbie Cubbison, to make him stop?” said Brother, who had come back to the table. “Boyfriend? Boyfriend?” shouted Sister. “You take that back!” “Everyone knows that Sister Bear has a huge crush on Herbie Cubbison.” “Mama, make him take that back!” cried Sister. “I’ve hardly ever said a word to Herbie Cubbison! Brother’s the big valentine sweetheart around here.

It may be chilly outside when Valentine’s Day comes, but little bears warm up and send cards to their chums.

There were twenty-four cubs in Sister’s class, and every cub had to send a valentine to every other cub. They didn’t have to be expensive and you could make them if you wanted to. Sister thought she might just make one for that no-good, rotten Billy Grizzwold. She began to think about what it might say. Roses are red. Violets are blue. Nobody needs a doofus like you. Or: Daffodils are yellow. Roses are red. I need you like a hole in the head! “A penny for your thoughts,” said Mama. “Er--uh,” said Sister, “I was just thinking of a valentine to send to Billy Grizzwold.

There’s probably a totally reasonable explanation, she tells herself. Some really funny story. He’ll tell it with all the different people’s voices – he’s really good at accents; he totally nails her dad’s Italian one, and he’s got the Liverpudlian guy in Miranda’s building down to a tee. They’ll laugh about it. It’ll become one of their stories, like, Remember that time you stood me up on Valentine’s Day

mother she was to her son. One who would appreciate the special gift of her love, and take every opportunity to just enjoy the pleasure of her company. To Gray’s immense emotional discomfort, the faceless new husband he was certain Bella needed suddenly bore an incredible likeness to himself. “Never’s a long time, Bella,” Gray said softly. He’d intended to make the comment light, but when the words left his lips, they were absolutely serious. Her eyes met his and he saw a wealth of emotion in their sweet blue depths. Lost hope, weary wisdom,

OTHER BOOKS BY THE MINECRAFTY FAMILY Don’t miss out on a single exciting moment of Wimpy Steve’s hilarious adventures INSIDE Minecraft! Collect ‘em all!   Diary of a Wimpy Steve: Trapped in Minecraft! (Book 1) Diary of a Wimpy Steve: Horsing Around! (Book 2) Diary of a Wimpy Steve: In the Dog House! (Book 3) Diary of a Wimpy Steve: Lots of Ocelots! (Book 4)   WIMPY STEVE ESSENTIAL COMPANION BOOKS Diary of a Wimpy Steve: Book 1 Activities! (Book 1.5) Diary of a Wimpy Steve: Book 2 Activities! (Book 2.5) Diary of a Wimpy Steve: Book 3 Activities! (Book 3.5) Diary of a Wimpy Steve: Book 4 Activities! (Book 4.5) Minecraft Jokes for Kids! Even More Minecraft Jokes for Kids! Minecraft Memes and Funny Pictures! Diary of a Wimpy Steve: Valentines for Kids!   COMING SOON Book 5: Click here to be notified when it’s ready! DIARY OF A WIMPY STEVE: TRAPPED IN MINECRAFT!

Hello, ladies, I’m your uncle Devlin. Has Westhaven scared you witless with his fuming and fretting?” This fellow looked to be great fun, with a nice smile and kind green eyes. “Mama and Papa didn’t say anything about getting uncles for Christmas,” Amanda observed, but she was smiling back at the big uncle. The biggest uncle—they were all as tall as Papa. “Well, that’s because we’re a surprise,” the other dark-haired fellow said. “I’m your uncle Valentine, and we have an entire gaggle of aunties waiting out in the coach to spoil you rotten. Westhaven here is just out of sorts because Father Christmas gave him a headache for being naughty yesterday.” “I was not naughty.” The other two uncles thought this was quite funny, judging by their smiles. “There’s your problem,” said Uncle Devlin. “I’m thinking it’s a fine day for a pair of ladies to join their aunts for a ride in the traveling coach.” Uncle Gayle—it didn’t seem fair to call him by the same name as Fleur’s puppy—appeared to consider this. “For what purpose?” “To keep the peace. Emmie and I never haul out our big guns around the children,” said Uncle Devlin, which made no sense. “Do you like to play soldiers?” Fleur asked. Amanda appeared intrigued by the notion. She was forever galloping up hills and charging down banisters in pursuit of the French. Uncle Devlin’s brows knitted—he had wonderful dark eyebrows, much like Papa’s. “As a matter of fact, on occasion, if I’ve been an exceedingly good fellow, my daughter lets me join her in a game of soldiers.” “I’m not exactly unfamiliar with the business myself,” said Uncle Valentine. “I excel at the lightning charge and have been known to take even the occasional doll prisoner.” “Missus Wolverhampton would not like being a prisoner,” Fleur said, though Uncle Valentine was teasing—wasn’t he?” “Perhaps you gentlemen can arrange an assignation to play soldiers with our nieces on some other day,” Westhaven said. He sounded like his teeth hurt, which Fleur knew might be from the seasonal hazard of eating too much candy. “You can play too,” Fleur allowed, because it was Christmas, and one ought to be kind to uncles who strayed into one’s nursery. “We’ll let you be Wellington,” Amanda added, getting into the spirit of the day. “Which leaves me to be Blucher’s mercenaries,” Uncle Devlin said, “saving the day as usual.” “Oh, that’s brilliant.” Uncle Valentine wasn’t smiling now. “Leave your baby brother to be the infernal French again, will you? See if I write a waltz for your daughter’s come out, St. Just.” Uncle Gayle wasn’t frowning quite so mightily. In fact, he looked like he wanted to smile but was too grown-up to allow it. “Perhaps you ladies will gather up a few soldiers and fetch a doll or two. We’re going on a short journey to find your mama and papa, so we can all share Christmas with them.” Fleur noticed his slip, and clearly, Amanda had too—but it was the same slip Amanda had made earlier, and one Fleur was perfectly happy to let everybody make. Uncle Gayle had referred to their papa’s new wife not as their stepmama, but as their mama. What a fine thing that would be, if for Christmas they got a mama again for really and truly. Amanda fetched their dolls, Fleur grabbed their favorite storybook, and the uncles herded them from the nursery, all three grown men arguing about whose turn it was to be the blasted French. ***

Money can't buy love, except on Valentine’s Day.

The guests also clanked together the special romantic shaped forks with hearts on the points, called valentines.

Milo has finally met the girl of his dreams. She’s funny, into 80’s metal, loves animals, and wants to be a vet. And that might come in handy since he’s half-bull—a minotaur, to be exact.

Suppose that… you were sitting down at a table. The napkins are in front of you. Which napkin would you take? The one on your left or the one on your right? 'The left' is correct. But, in a larger sense of society, that is wrong. Perhaps I could even substitute society with the universe. The correct answer is that “it is determined by the one who takes his or her own napkin first. Yes? If the first one takes the napkin to their right, then there’s no choice but for the others to also take the napkin on their right. The same goes for the left. Everyone else will take the napkin to their left, because they have no other option. This is society… who are the ones who determine the price of land first? There must have been someone determined the value of money, first. The size of the rails on a train track? The magnitude of electricity? Laws and regulation? Who was the first one to determine those things? Did we all do it, because this is a republic? Or was it arbitrary? No! The one who took the napkin first determined all of these things! The rules of this world are determined by the same principle as “right or left?”! In a society like this table, a state of equilibrium, once one makes the first move, everyone must follow! In every era… this world has been operating by this napkin principle.

Sheet music circles on the water, silent, open pages, weighted and wet. I train the beam of the flashlight over the words. “Meet Me in St. Louis” drifts by, and “My Funny Valentine.

I got married. It could happen to anyone.

My mom raised me to know my value. I’m not about to sit on this floor and beg this ma

Malcolm and I broke up last night,” I mutter. “Thank you, Jesus,” she exclaims. “Oh, wait, that was wrong. I mean, hey girl, it’s going to be okay. I’m so sad to see him go.

His cologne engulfs me right away. It draws me in like a shoe sale.

My phone dings. Probably my mother, who has mom-radar and always knows when I’m up to no good. Undoubtedly asking how many Hail Marys she needs to say for me today. I grab my phone just to make sure it’s not a somebody died text, and almost fall off my stool. Tarzan here. Looking for Ms. P. This her? I close my eyes, blow out a slow breath. One, if he’s texting me, his date with Lila Valentine probably didn’t produce a second, which makes me happier than I have any right to be. Two, I’m not asking the guy to marry me. I’m asking him to be a hot piece of ass to make me look good. And three, I’m suddenly worried that my bad taste in men is making an unfortunate appearance again. What man in his right mind would text back a woman who made that proposition last weekend? Am I wrong about his date with the auction winner? Did I leave something behind at the hotel, and he’s just returning it? Or does he actually have some secret fetish that’ll play out wrong in the middle of my class reunion? "Who’s that?" Sia demands. "Tele-texter," I lie. I ignore the glares from my friends and type a quick reply. Yes, this is Parker. Except my phone hates me, and it autocorrects to Trying. This is Parking. Thanks, phone. Y E S, I type. Damn autocorrect. I hit send, and "Ohmygod." "What? What?" My friends all peer around me, and I jump off my stool to keep them from seeing my screen. Autocorrect just autocorrected to autocunnilingus. I just told Tarzan I’m eating myself. What have I done? Does that count as sexting? I don’t know. This is why I can’t have nice things.

canciones del interior: Where or When, música de Richard Rodgers y letra de Lorenz Hart, © 1937 Chappel & Co., WB Music Corp. y Williamson Music Co., derechos gestionados por WB Music Corp. o/b/o Estate of Lorenz Hart y Family Trust u/w Richard Rodgers y Family Trust u/w Dorothy F. Rodgers I Didn’t Know What Time It Was, música de Richard Rodgers y letra de Lorenz Hart, © 1939 Chappel & Co., WB Music Corp. y Williamson Music Co., derechos gestionados por WB Music Corp. o/b/o Estate of Lorenz Hart y Family Trust u/w Richard Rodgers y Family Trust u/w Dorothy F. Rodgers My Funny Valentine, música de Richard Rodgers y letra de Lorenz Hart, © 1937 Chappel & Co., Derechos gestionados por WB Music Corp. y Williamson Music Co., derechos gestionados por WB Music Corp. o/b/o Estate of Lorenz Hart y Family Trust u/w Richard Rodgers y Family Trust u/w Dorothy F. Rodgers. Publicado de acuerdo con Alfred Publishing, LLC y Williamson Music

Funny . . . all of that was well, duh when it came to weapons. Why hadn’t it dawned on him that matings were the same? Rolling his eyes at himself, he thought, Christ, maybe Hallmark would be open to establishing a line of medieval-inspired Valentine’s Day cards, some kind of a Holly-Goth-Lightly kind of thing. He’d be frickin’ perfect for supplying content.

I don't trust men. Give them a finger, they will put a wedding ring on it.

There are times you wake up in the middle of the night, fingers hit the keyboard and you allow words to flow. That is a writer.

Subconscious suggestions work. Repeatedly show someone an image of something, and it will become familiar, whether or not they consciously recognize it. It’s a simple way to make humans more impressionable.

Humans are fragile. Pretty sure they could make themselves sick by thinking too much.

It looked like a pug crossed with Gollum. A pig crossed with a bat. A monkey crossed with Yoda who had bashed its face into a brick wall too many times. It was just ugly in every possible way.

Asmodeus is legendary. There’s a royal ranking system for demons called the Order of Thrones, and Asmodeus is a Prince of Hell. That means he’s of the second-highest level and one of the most powerful demons in the underworld. I think he was a King at some point, but I’m not certain. He was once the most renowned lust demon of all time, but in recent times, he’s faded into obscurity.

Belial isn’t just a demon, hon. He’s, like, the demon. It’s basically another name for Satan.

I want you to tell me three things. I want you to tell me something random, something nice, and something funny,” she told him.

Conscious beings evolve. That’s how the universe works. You’re born, you fuck shit up, you learn your lesson, you evolve. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a human, animal, or even a plant.

His skin was lightly tanned, and his hair . . . Whoa, his hair. It was jet black and dead straight, and it hung like a silky curtain to his freaking hips, with a few shorter strands falling over his face. A face that was . . . godlike. Perfect, sculpted cheekbones drew the eyes to a mouth that was made for pleasure, and his deep blue eyes were so bright she’d seen them all the way across the club.