Toxic Family Members Quotes

There are only two kinds of people who can drain your energy: those you love, and those you fear. In both instances it is you who let them in. They did not force their way into your aura, or pry their way into your reality experience.

Unhealthy families discourage individual expression. Everyone must conform to the thoughts and actions of the toxic parents. They promote fusion, a blurring of personal boundaries, a welding together of family members. On an unconscious level, it is hard for family members to know where one ends and another begins. In their efforts to be close, they often suffocate one another’s individuality.

I don’t hate them; I just don’t understand why people feel the need to try over and over with toxic family members.

What’s important to remember is that while human beings in general can engage in toxic behaviors from time to time, abusers use these manipulation tactics as a dominant mode of communication. Toxic people such as malignant narcissists, psychopaths and those with antisocial traits engage in maladaptive behaviors in relationships that ultimately exploit, demean, and hurt their intimate partners, family members, and friends.

Moment of Insight: Sometimes you have to let go of what is killing you, even when it’s killing you to let go.

If our primary caregivers are shame-based, they will act shameless and pass their toxic shame onto us. There is no way to teach self-value if one does not value oneself. Toxic shame is multigenerational. It is passed from one generation to the next. Shame-based people find other shame-based people and get married. As each member of a couple carries the shame from his or her own family system, their marriage will be grounded in their shame-core. The major outcome of this will be a lack of intimacy. It’s difficult to let someone get close to you if you feel defective and flawed as a human being. Shame-based couples maintain nonintimacy through poor communication, nonproductive circular fighting, games, manipulation, vying for control, withdrawal, blaming and confluence. Confluence is the agreement never to disagree. Confluence creates pseudointimacy.

It’s perplexing how family members claim their undying love for us. They can say whatever they choose, but their actions and behaviors don’t match their words. There is an imbalance in the relationships with distinct discrepancies, especially in who overpowers the scapegoat.

Experience tells us that certain people are not ever going to change. This is a reality, and this is the reality we need to deal with when it comes to our toxic family members. The Bible clearly tells us that evil people—those who have hardened themselves to that which is good—do not change, not because they can’t but because they won’t.32

Moment of Insight: Overexplaining is a trauma response.

A toxic mother talks but never listens, and she gives advice but never takes any. And we have to deal with all of this because she’s our mother.

The longer we ignore red flags, pretend they don’t exist, the more we disconnect from ourselves.

Recovering from family scapegoating requires recognizing that being the ‘identified patient’ is symptomatic of generations of systemic dysfunction within one’s family, fueled by unrecognized anxiety and even trauma. In a certain sense, members of a dysfunctional family are participating in a ‘consensual trance‘, i.e., a ‘survival trance’ supported by false narratives, toxic shame, anxiety, and egoic defense mechanisms, such as denial and projection.

Moment of Insight: Communication is not the key to successful relationships. Comprehension is. It does not matter how much you communicate with someone if they are committed to their own narrow and inflexible narrative.

We have to train our mind to see the good in everything, the positive. If you fight with a family member, there is something to learn from it, but you may have to find what it is that you have to learn from that experience. You have to exercise your mind to do that. As the thought energy flows into our mind, we decide what we are going to think.

you cannot heal in the same environment that is poisoning you.

I do not hate my toxic family members. I also do not need them.

Being enabled to tell my story and through it help others, I feel that all the pain I have endured and continue to handle has and is coming full circle. Every evil done to me is being made up to me tenfold.

A family scapegoat is burdened with criticism, toxic shame, and blame for something they have not done. The wrongdoings of others are projected onto them. You were a convenient receptacle for your insecure family members who were incapable or unwilling to take responsibility for their own actions, words, and behaviors.

While there is no question that children can be damaged by put-downs from friends, teachers, siblings, and other family members, children are the most vulnerable to their parents. After all, parents are the center of a young child’s universe. And if your all-knowing parents think bad things about you, they must be true. If Mother is always saying, “You’re stupid,” then you’re stupid. If Father is always saying, “You’re worthless,” then you are. A child has no perspective from which to cast doubt on these assessments.

We all have a capacity to resurrect ourselves, resurrect our dreams, find our true purpose and create harmony with our family members. Be willing to learn, to reach out to someone who can help you. Be willing to find someone to hold your hand, to take you to the next stage.

Because emotional abuse is impossible to prove, we often have an incredibly difficult time describing or putting into words what exactly has happened to us that is so bad. We know things were not or are not normal, but we don’t know why. Emotional abuse moves quickly. Just as we’re about to put our finger on it, it seems to slip away. Without a clear set of concrete, provable terms, many of us question if our abuse or neglect was real. Did it really happen? Or are we just making it up? We reason that if we were truly abused, our abuse should be easy to explain.

Bree Bonchay, author of I Am Free, explains that we relate to our toxic family members as if they are normal healthy people who possess a conscience, self-awareness, and a sense of integrity. Because of this inherent trust in them, we believe their words. We know that we don’t lie or manipulate so we believe our toxic family members would never lie to or manipulate us. We give them the benefit of the doubt because we believe they genuinely love us. Because we believe they truly love us, we cannot believe they could ever or would ever do anything to intentionally hurt us. When we believe in this way, we are essentially projecting our own good qualities or character traits onto the toxic family members we love. So when they don’t respond in the ways that a loving, kind, healthy person would, we are left feeling hurt and confused and questioning ourselves, believing we must somehow be to blame for their lack of love and understanding.

Complete separation and time away allow us to recover and to remember—perhaps even finally establish—how to express who we really are. We are people who are deserving of love, good fortune, and acceptance. We cannot get to this point in our recovery if we don’t let our toxic family members go and focus on healing ourselves.

We enter the world of love and relationships with such little confidence that we have a hard time believing that others could be genuinely interested in us. Because of this, we are too afraid to ask for what we need from others. We fear rejection. To us, rejection from others only proves our toxic family members must have been right about us. We have been programmed to believe that having needs of our own bothers other people, so we don’t ask for what we need and end up stifling ourselves by constantly acquiescing to others to stay in relationships we don’t even want to be in. In this way we end up perpetuating the emotional loneliness we were raised in.

Moment of Insight: People pleasers often start off as parent or family pleasers.

Moment of Insight: When children cannot understand or find answers to what is happening to them, they will automatically believe that it is their fault.

Do you fear a relationship’s ending because you see it as abandonment?

Moment of Insight: Survivors of family abuse live life with the heart of an orphan.

This drives you into codependent relationships. You are so afraid of being rejected that you learn to prefer a false sense of security to true love.

If you choose to rescue or protect people from the natural consequences their behavior merits, you render them powerless.

Toxic people do not think, operate, or play by the same rules we do, and our failing to recognize this sets us up by default for manipulation and unhappiness.

Without this validation, children learn to give in to what others seem sure about.

As we recover, we start to remember and connect with who we really are. We start connecting with the image of that amazing person we always thought or hoped we had the potential to be.

Dysfunctional families despise the truth-tellers and whistle-blowers. They are all about admiring the Emperor’s new clothes, and they turn on anyone who dares to mention the nakedness.9

It is important to understand that loving someone doesn’t always mean having a relationship with that person, just like forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation. Reconciling, in many cases, only sets us up for more abuse. A significant part of our healing will come in accepting that not reconciling with certain people is a part of life. There are some relationships that are so poisonous that they destroy our ability to be healthy and to function at our best. When we put closure to these relationships, we give ourselves the space to love our toxic family members from a distance as fellow human beings where we do not wish harm upon them; we simply have the knowledge and experience to know it is unwise to remain connected with them.

1. Acknowledge and grieve the abusive and dismissive ways in which your family has mishandled your humanity. List the misdeeds done to you, and acknowledge where you didn’t get the validation or compassion you sought and deserved just out of basic human decency. One of the greatest ways to bring these memories up is to write to a F*ck You For list. I do this often with my patients. Begin each sentence with F*ck You For, and complete the sentence with the painful, angering, or frustrating memory. This exercise helps move you from feeling like a victim to taking the trash out. It places accountability on the right people. It also illuminates areas of growth for you, as you may feel anger at yourself for how long you allowed yourself to be passive or submissive to the members of your family you felt had power over you.

You have to have self-respect and faith in yourself to cultivate the courage to commit to your endeavours even when no one, including family members, is by your side and neutralizing the negative influences in your life.

SHAME-BASED FAMILY RULES Each family system has several categories of rules. There are rules about celebrating and socializing, rules about touching and sexuality, rules about sickness and proper health care, rules about vacations and vocations, rules about household maintenance and the spending of money. Perhaps the most important rules are about feelings, interpersonal communication and parenting. Toxic shame is consciously transferred by means of shaming rules. In shame-based families, the rules consciously shame all the members. Generally, however, the children receive the major brunt of the shame. Power is a cover-up for shame. Power is frequently hierarchical.

Prone to Cling or Run Because we had no balance in our emotional worlds growing up, when we start developing other relationships in life, our insecurities create us into runners or clingers. I have actually been both in my life.

To have our experiences flat-out denied or otherwise invalidated is called gaslighting. Our perceptions of reality are continually undermined, causing us to lose confidence in our intuition, our memory, or our powers of reasoning.

To avoid needless misunderstandings, it is helpful to reflect back to our children what they have communicated as confirmation we have heard them correctly. Once understanding is established, we can encourage, guide, and praise them.

I have come to realize since breaking free of my toxic family members that I was justifying insanity to stay connected with them. The longer I am free of their manipulations, I notice that more memories surface of instances of manipulation I didn’t even have the time to focus on at the time they were happening because the next manipulation was already in play. Now I can see that even the smallest things that were going on or that were said to me all served to push me down.

Beyond my own example, a healthy family member would make sure to let you know that any time you felt ready to heal and talk, they would always be available; that they are deeply sorry the relationship is in such a bad place and for their part in that.

Respect your limits. Become mindful of when you are taking on too much, apologizing too much, agonizing too much, giving too much, or not asking for enough in return. It is okay to delegate some of what you need to do to those who are available and eager to help.

Core needs for children include, but are not limited to, receiving adequate levels of time, love, and attention, along with meeting their needs to feel heard, validated, and understood. When these needs aren’t met, there is no way to rewind to the beginning of life in a way that enables any outside love relationship to heal or meet your core needs. Research naively suggests we seek other relationships outside our family to supply our basic needs of love, acceptance, and emotional support. Although other love relationships are fundamental, necessary, and important to our overall well-being, I believe it is not only inappropriate for us to put this type of pressure on others to fill the needs our family neglected, but this request is also impossible to satisfy. It is unwise and emotionally dangerous to assume anyone could meet the core needs that can be met only by the family we were born into. The unfortunate message from this type of information is that other people can heal our wounds and meet our core needs when, ultimately, we need to learn to heal our own wounds and meet our own needs.

A child should never feel as if they need to earn a mother’s love. This will leave a void in their heart all of their life. A mother’s love needs to be given unconditionally to establish trust and a firm foundation of emotional intimacy in a child’s life. If love is withheld, a child will look for it in a million other ways, sometimes throughout their lifetime unless they come to some sort of peace with their past. The emotional foundation we give our children at home is foundational to their life. We cannot underestimate the value of home and the power of a mother’s love.12

Empathy lets you know that you are not alone and that you will be okay. However, empathy can be a curse when you unknowingly empathize with a toxic person who uses your soft-hearted nature to further exploit and manipulate you, thereby driving you into deeper and deeper levels of insecurity.

As a reflect on my life, here is what I have learned, how I have grown, and how I've been transformed. Little Dana as a child may have been a people-pleaser. She may have been a vulnerable, naive girl who was controlled by her mean-spirited family members. But that little girl doesn’t exist. Not anymore.

I love this quote: “Never argue with an idiot. People watching won’t be able to tell the difference.” When we are attacked and defending ourselves, we end up looking just as bad as our attacker, and our attacker will make sure to focus on only our reaction rather than what they did to cause our reaction.

When we are raised in toxic families, we often go through a time period, and for some of us, a lifetime, of repeating the toxic patterns we were raised in with other people in our lives. We do this until we decide we’ve had enough pain and choose to genuinely examine our patterns and stop the craziness for good.

You tend to be perfectionistic. Never feeling you have achieved enough or are enough can cause you to over-function. Over-functioning signals to other people that they can use you. All it takes is for someone to make you feel imperfect, and you reflexively jump into action. There’s a saying: Perfection is trauma all dressed up.

People with pathological personalities, on the other hand, respond more like regressed, stubborn, vengeful bullies. They are never wrong. They are above apologies. They never question if they could have or should have done anything differently. And everything in their lives is an embellished drama of how they have been victimized by others.

Low Self-Worth Danu Morrigan teaches that the reason our toxic family members impact us throughout our lives is because they are responsible for programming our beliefs. We respond automatically based on the core beliefs we were raised on. It makes logical sense then that, when we are loved well as children, we gather that evidence and conclude that we are valuable, lovable, and worthwhile. If, however, we were not loved enough and we were consistently neglected and shamed, we draw conclusions from that evidence too: We were not loved by our toxic family members because we were not lovable; we were neglected because we weren’t worth taking care of; and we were humiliated because we are shameful. Healing

We unconsciously gravitate toward relationships and situations that are familiar to us because we know how to deal with them. As children, we don’t recognize, or at least we don’t want to acknowledge, the flaws in our parents, because seeing them as flawed or substandard is scary. But by denying the painful truth about our parents, we aren’t able to recognize similarly hurtful people in our future relationships. This form of denial or lack of the ability to recognize the pattern causes us to experience the same painful heartbreak over and over. We just don’t see it coming, even when all the signs are right before us. Instead, we keep believing that things will be different each next time, but the different doesn’t come.

When you are bold, you learn very quickly who is genuine in your life and who is not. This is a gift. The masculine energy brings clarity—no gossip, no drama, just clarity. This type of clarity helps you to become more discerning and move on from people and situations who cannot and do not support you in being the true, lively, vibrant person you are meant to be.

You have challenges with assertiveness and setting boundaries. In psychologically abusive families, asserting yourself is not an option. At any moment of trying to stand up for yourself, your efforts were more than likely ignored, gaslighted, or punished. So you enter relationships with fears of criticism, rejection, abandonment, and punishment (CRAP). Because of this CRAP, you fear setting boundaries.

Families are organisations just like any organisation. Families need to have goals too. Every member of this organisation must be able to contribute to the family’s benefit, not compete to the family’s detriment. When the family has unified goals in addition to each member’s personal objectives, family relationships are smoother. Goals promote unity and cooperation and help each member to enjoy the fruits of the whole family’s efforts.

TRUTH: And yet no scientist today would debate that a single germ could wipe out all human life on the planet. Why then is it so naïve to believe a single toxic ideology could do the same? List the world’s problems and you will find the same theme running underneath. Why was Africa exploited for her resources? Did Westerners see Africans as family members or separate? What about Haiti when she was turned into a slave colony? Was she populated with extended family to be nurtured or laborers to be exploited? What about slaves themselves—today’s slaves and yesterday’s, as well—are they family members or just another means to achieve self-seeking ends? What about the homeless in need of medical care? What about a child who is bullied or even a river that is polluted? Do you not see, Fear, that all of these toxic branches of the human story grow out of a single contaminated root?

This first stage of life runs from birth to eighteen months. This is when you learn that either you can trust your parents/caregivers and the larger world around you or you cannot. If the care you receive is consistent, predictable, and reliable, you can develop an innate sense of trust that your critical needs (for being fed, cleaned, held, soothed, protected) will be met. By developing trust in infancy, you also develop the virtue of hope.

Healing C-PTSD with the Three C’s What your family members did not provide can be gained in what many researchers refer to as rewiring—a great skill to master. For example, when you are in the throes of an emotional flashback, you can replace the negative inner critic with something more productive and positive. You can train yourself to use the Three C’s Technique (catch it, check it, change it) to disrupt the negative tapes of your childhood.

In my own therapy, my therapist said to me that as long as I believe that I am the problem, I will harbor a hope that things in the relationship with my toxic family members can change because I have the power to change myself. We erroneously believe that if we try to be good enough, successful, or perfect, maybe our toxic family members will change their minds about us. But they don’t and they won’t. Now if the problem isn’t within us, then that creates a horribly scary feeling. That means we’re powerless to make any positive changes in how our toxic family members treat us. I certainly know that I can do nothing to change anything in myself that would ever make a difference in my relationships with my family members. At one time, this rocked my world. But now, I just feel relief. I am no longer brainwashed by them into believing that I am the bad kid, the problem child, the difficult one. I know the truth about my family and have accepted it.

Fear People When we grow up under volatile, immature, chaotic, and selfish family members, we are nurtured to believe that people are scary and cruel. And when we are raised to question our lovability and worth, how can we trust that others will see us as worthy? Because conflict was so high growing up in our toxic family, many of us learned to agree with the poisonous dynamics as a way to find or keep the peace. We may have also lived our lives trying to please and prove our value to our parents.

As I have matured, I have become more of a runner. If I start sensing things aren’t right in a relationship and I feel I’ve done my best to express myself and there is still no understanding with my partner, I start to run. I start to feel that if I can’t be understood on something not all that deep, then my partner will have a really hard time understanding me when things become more significant and intense. I falsely interpret this to mean that I am a burden, so I unconsciously start preparing for plan B.

Healthy people don’t stay in unhealthy family dynamics. Healthy people don’t allow their parents to control their life, they live for themselves. Healthy people don’t follow the career path their parents want them to take, they choose the right path for themselves. Healthy people don’t marry someone to meet the expectations of their family, they commit to someone who they love and makes them happy. Healthy people don’t let their abusive family members define them, they seek help and build a better future for themselves

Many people are shocked when I say that the incest victims I’ve worked with are usually the healthiest members of their families. After all, the victim usually has the symptoms—self-blame, depression, destructive behaviors, sexual problems, suicide attempts, substance abuse—while the rest of the family often seems outwardly healthy. But despite this, it is usually the victim who ultimately has the clearest vision of the truth. She was forced to sacrifice herself to cover up the craziness and the stress in the family system. All her life she was the bearer of the family secret. She lived with tremendous emotional pain in order to protect the myth of the good family. But because of all this pain and conflict, the victim is usually the first to seek help. Her parents, on the other hand, will almost always refuse to let go of their denials and defenses. They refuse to deal with reality. With treatment, most victims are able to reclaim their dignity and their power. Recognizing a problem and seeking help is a sign not only of health but of courage.

Foundational anxiety is not a brain chemistry issue but rather an attachment issue. When your core attachment foundation is unstable, so are you. Susan Forward teaches that “an unpredictable parent is a fearsome god in the eyes of a child. As children we are at the mercy of our god-like parents. If we never know when the next lightning bolt of neglect, abuse, or manipulation will strike, we live in fear. The fear of its strike and the anxiety of not knowing when it is going to hit becomes deeply ingrained and grows in us as we grow.”10

Like toddlers, toxic people base all their decisions on what they feel rather than on what is right. The thought of any consequences of their actions pale in comparison to getting what they want in the moment. Contrast this with healthy people: they think before they act and are mindful of how what they do may negatively impact themselves or others. Toxic people cannot tolerate consideration of others. When trying to have a conversation with them, they are self-referential rather than self-reflective. When you share something about yourself with such people, they immediately turn the account into a story about them. The self-referential side of toxicity turns toxic people into the greatest one-uppers, name-droppers, and liars you’ll ever come across. You cannot have a mutually beneficial conversation, where there is a natural back-and-forth flow. Sharing does not exist when communicating with toxic people. Of course, healthy flawed people sometimes do some of the same things that toxic people do. The difference, however, between ordinary and toxic lies is in the subtleness, persistence, and consistency of a toxic person’s behaviors.

Peck states in his book The Road Less Traveled that children feel if their parents are willing to suffer with them, they will tell themselves “then suffering must not be so bad,” and they will become more willing to suffer when on their own. In other words, children come to trust that there is nothing unsafe or wrong with them when they are suffering. In order for parents to be present to and suffer with their children, their children need three simple things from them: time, love, and attention. Toxic parents provide none of these things, certainly not in any healthy ways.

Define your limits: You must decide what you will or will not tolerate. Pay attention to feelings of resentment: Such feelings let you know when someone has been forcefully imposing their personal expectations, views, demands, or values on you without your consent or interest. Be direct or be silent: There are two ways to set boundaries. First, be direct with the person or people crossing your boundaries by telling them how you feel when they engage in the behaviors that create your discomfort. This method works best in relationships that are mutually reciprocal and open to feedback. With toxic people, the second method—

Out of our insecurities, we strive to be needless in relationships. We take on the belief that we are the person who has to do all the work because who could possibly love us if we’re not the person doing all the work. We have learned we don’t deserve love. We have learned we have to work hard for it. We know that if anyone is going to be wrong or needs to change, it will, without a doubt, end up being us. This is a horrible way to be in a relationship because if the relationship fails, due to no fault of our own, we interpret relationship failures as we didn’t do enough and that we are, in truth, fundamentally unlovable.

The family’s intent, whether conscious or unconscious, is to make the child feel like an Other, like he cannot be his authentic self and still remain a member of the family, like he is not part of the pack. After all, we are pack animals. Indeed, by adulthood, he feels toxic, broken, and like an outsider in his own family, in his own body, in his own life. This unease carries into adult relationships with partners, colleagues, and bosses. His fear of rejection and unconscious behavior may turn his new friend groups or places of employment into his old family of origin, where the cycle of scapegoating continues. Today, when I meet a teenager who seems obsessed with keeping adults happy, I cringe inside. I want to call 911.

Here are some clues regarding what to look for when looking for love: •When love is present, there is very little chaos. •When love is present, there is conversation. •When love is present, there is no gossip or backstabbing. •When love is present, there is support and nurturing. •When love is present, there is acceptance. •When love is present, there is ease and room for joy. •When love is present, there is clarity. •When love is present, we feel stable. •When love is present, we can be ourselves. •When love is present, we are not consumed with worry. •When love is present, we have a sense of community. •When love is present, we feel happy. •When love is present, we live in a state of trust. •When love is present, we experience contentment.

When you contribute to a safer world for the truth, contribute to help stop violence and help end impunity: be vigilant, be alert, stay safe, protect your emotions and health from aggressive troublemakers and manipulators, and have a strong, diplomatic, clear and firm boundaries. Be honest, be factual, and have an indestructible firm coping mechanism ways while you could experience waves of digital aggression as they would like to silence you, discredit you, and they try to ruin your integrity, persona, reputation and credibility. The deceptive, evil manipulators plant lies and create intrigues, polemics mongering, gossip-mongering, and calumny committed by abusive political harridans, bitches and assholes who can shame you privately and publicly. Group cyber lynching, group cyberbullying, defamatory libellous slander is committed by these cyber aggressors who are also financial-political abusive parasites, pathological liar cyberbullies toxic manipulators, and repetitive abusers. Usually when the stakes are high, these manipulative, deceptive, dishonest, unscrupulous aggressive and vindictive, abusive toxic people would resort to any forms of aggression/abuse: digital or cyber aggression, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and psychological abuse, financial/economic abuse, and/or physical aggression. When a group of habitual, deceptive, toxic netizens, digital aggressors send you threats, disturb your family member with their concocted destructive lies, and they took hold a copy of your passport or ID - change it immediately. Document the threats, the libellous slander, done by these aggressive and abusive people who took advantage of you, used you, and abused you, and do not hesitate to report them to the right authorities. You have to learn how to handle these scammers, habitual offensive abusive offenders/perpetrators, manipulators, bullies, digital aggressors/aggression, cyber lynchers, coward, pathological liars, opportunistic users, economic/financial abusers, emotional, psychological and verbal abusers, and repetitive abusers without breaking the law. Even if they dehumanised you, shamed you and abused you for several years, do not and never dehumanise them. Always remember the three Rs of life: 1. Respect for self 2. Respect for others 3. Responsibility for all your actions ~ Angelica Hopes, an excerpt from The S. Trilogy

I just don’t understand why people feel the need to try over and over with toxic family members.

When I was forced to accept, in one moment as an adult, just how evil my family members could be, I stopped calling them by family title names. I have been calling them by their given names ever since. This has done wonders for me and for many of my patients, psychologically. I want the same for you.

As the wise Dumbledore said in the Harry Potter series, “Call him Voldemort, Harry. Always use the proper name for things. Fear of a name increases the fear of the thing itself.

Reflect on the power you would feel if you no longer made yourself a slave to what other people thought of you. List which actions to protect yourself would increase your feelings of empowerment.

The psychosocial theory of life span development developed by Eric Erikson9 can show you how, when, and why your crippling feelings of self-doubt were created. His theory shares how and why the emotional damage done has such a lasting impact throughout life. In my experience, once a person understands how, why, when, and where the damage happened, this knowledge places them more securely on the path to recovery.

Not so for those of us who were raised by emotionally self-absorbed parents.

Further, because you received so little emotional connection from your caregivers and no one showed you appropriate ways to speak or behave—a helpful model called mirroring—you may find it hard to recognize, label, communicate, and express your emotions when asked to describe them.

Erikson’s third stage spans the ages of three through five. This stage is about being purpose-driven. You are learning to apply more inventiveness and creativity to your independence. You are becoming less self-centered and more social.

The fifth stage spans ages twelve to eighteen. During these years you are learning and trying on the roles you will occupy as an adult. Erikson suggests that two identities are developing in this stage: sexual and occupational.

Erickson’s sixth stage runs between ages eighteen to forty. You are developing the capacity to give and receive love.

It is here, through this discovery process of your development, that you will come to rediscover your True Self. To be your True Self means you do not worry about pleasing other people or living by someone else’s standards. You live as your natural self without compromise.

In Sharon’s adulthood, when her mother has failed to accept or understand Sharon’s feelings, the mother’s response is a sarcastic “I just can’t say or do anything right with you.” This is scapegoating at its finest.

Labels from a Toxic Family System Labels from a Healthy Family System Bossy Natural leader, imaginative Defiant Holds strong beliefs; daring, resolute Demanding Knows what they want; forthright Dramatic Expressive, enthusiastic Fearful Careful, discerning Fussy Has strong preferences Hyperactive Energetic, passionate, on the go Impulsive Spontaneous, intuitive Oppositional Advocates for a different perspective Rebellious Finding their own way Stubborn Persistent, determined, unwavering Talkative Enjoys communicating Tattletale Seeks justice, respects rules, fair Unfocused Multitasks, pays attention to many things Attention-seeking Advocates for needs, seeks connection

Secondary abuse occurs when these secondary people inadvertently blame, criticize, and question your reactions to the hidden abuses they may not be able to see. Many of them will try to “talk sense into you.” Their questioning and pressuring is secondary abuse.

Moment of Insight: Closure does not come from not feeling the pain anymore. Closure comes from actively healing your pain.

I address the aftermath of cutting ties, because when people hear the words “cutting ties” or “no contact,” they may automatically assume those who cut ties are angry, bitter, immature, spiteful, spoiled, jealous, entitled adult children who are being cruel and unreasonable toward our family members. Nothing could be further from the truth. Cutting ties is not about malice, hate, stubbornness, a lack of forgiveness, being spoiled, or exacting revenge. Severing ties is exclusively about self-care.

Encouraging someone to reconsider a relationship with another community, friends, circle or family member who has abused them is returning them into toxic machine. Community, friends, circle, family or not, when someone has abused another, the focus should be accountability, not reconciliation. Respect the survivor.

Just because they’re your family, it doesn’t mean they have the best intentions for you. Many of us are taught that there’s nothing more important than family. But biological relationships don’t always equal supportive, close relationships. Friends can be more like family than family itself. We shouldn’t conceal the fact that sometimes it’s our own family members who are the most toxic people in our lives.

Narcissistic fathers poison the whole family with this competitive energy and instead of creating a safe environment for the children to grow, they turn family members against each other. The children’s mother and the scapegoated child are usually the ones to blame for all the failures, mistakes and wrongdoings, particularly for those he himself has committed. His wife is described as emotionally cold, distant, unloving, unsupportive and a sabotager of his and the family happiness or she takes the role of the flying monkey, catering to his needs, adoring him and supporting his toxic parenting, many times unconsciously.

You are allowed to be happy, to be yourself, to say no, to state your opinions, to love who you want, do what you want, and say what needs to be said—and to do all of this freely. This is how life should have always been for you.

You deserve to be loved, especially in your less-than-perfect moments.

No child can avoid emotional pain while growing up, and likewise emotional toxicity seems to be a normal by-product of organizational life—people are fired, unfair policies come from headquarters, frustrated employees turn in anger on others. The causes are legion: abusive bosses or unpleasant coworkers, frustrating procedures, chaotic change. Reactions range from anguish and rage, to lost confidence or hopelessness. Perhaps luckily, we do not have to depend only on the boss. Colleagues, a work team, friends at work, and even the organization itself can create the sense of having a secure base. Everyone in a given workplace contributes to the emotional stew, the sum total of the moods that emerge as they interact through the workday. No matter what our designated role may be, how we do our work, interact, and make each other feel adds to the overall emotional tone. Whether it’s a supervisor or fellow worker who we can turn to when upset, their mere existence has a tonic benefit. For many working people, coworkers become something like a “family,” a group in which members feel a strong emotional attachment for one another. This makes them especially loyal to each other as a team. The stronger the emotional bonds among workers, the more motivated, productive, and satisfied with their work they are. Our sense of engagement and satisfaction at work results in large part from the hundreds and hundreds of daily interactions we have while there, whether with a supervisor, colleagues, or customers. The accumulation and frequency of positive versus negative moments largely determines our satisfaction and ability to perform; small exchanges—a compliment on work well done, a word of support after a setback—add up to how we feel on the job.28

Toxic shame is multigenerational. It is passed from one generation to the next. Shame-based people find other shame-based people and get married. As each member of a couple carries the shame from his or her own family system, their marriage will be grounded in their shame-core. The major outcome of this will be a lack of intimacy. It’s difficult to let someone get close to you if you feel defective and flawed as a human being. Shame-based couples maintain nonintimacy through poor communication, nonproductive circular fighting, games, manipulation, vying for control, withdrawal, blaming and confluence. Confluence is the agreement never to disagree. Confluence creates pseudointimacy. When a child is born to these shame-based parents, the deck is stacked from the beginning. The job of parents is to model. Modeling includes how to be a man or woman; how to relate intimately to another person; how to acknowledge and express emotions; how to fight fairly; how to have physical, emotional and intellectual boundaries; how to communicate; how to cope and survive life’s unending problems; how to be self-disciplined; and how to love oneself and another. Shame-based parents cannot do any of these. They simply don’t know how.

Toxic shame is multigenerational. It is passed from one generation to the next. Shame-based people find other shame-based people and get married. As each member of a couple carries the shame from his or her own family system, their marriage will be grounded in their shame-core. The major outcome of this will be a lack of intimacy. It’s difficult to let someone get close to you if you feel defective and flawed as a human being. Shame-based couples maintain nonintimacy through poor communication, nonproductive circular fighting, games, manipulation, vying for control, withdrawal, blaming and confluence. Confluence is the agreement never to disagree. Confluence creates pseudointimacy.

So, You’re Rooting for Everybody Black, Right? Yeah right! Some of my Brothas and Sistas be straight up frontin’ and lying to themselves. Let me be clear about what I’m talking about. If you were TRULY rooting for EVERYBODY Black, you’d be celebrating, supporting, and buying from people that you personally know. People like your OWN family members and friends. Instead of hatin’ on them being entrepreneurs, business owners, college graduates, or just overall successful in their lives, try supporting their endeavors and being genuinely happy for them. Stop speaking empty words! And remember… jealousy and envy are toxic to one’s soul. I am Stephanie Lahart, and keepin’ it real is what I do!

Our toxic family members may tell us they love or hate us, but they only do so to provoke a strong reaction out of us. When we’re loving them, it’s a sweet and potent experience for them, but they will get bored with that so they will switch things up. Out of what seems like nowhere to us, they will become those hateful, cruel, discarding, schoolyard bullies who ignore us, gossip about us, smear us, and make us feel as if we are the worst people on earth. This puts us into a state of intense confusion.

It is important to understand that loving someone doesn’t always mean having a relationship with that person, just like forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation.