Tiffany Haddish Quotes

You kill them with your success. Then they’ll have to kiss your motherfucking feet.

So I ended up getting out of pimping, because I didn’t make much money. It’s just not a lucrative business, selling dick. Dick ain’t really all that hard to come by.

Everyone has their own personal pain and their own demons, and no one will talk about it, and that’s why they never get better. They’re all afraid to talk about it.

You know how white people do, they just encourage and cheer anybody who lets it all hang out and just don't give a fuck.

It’s easy to game school, once you realize that the rules are bullshit and you can get around them.

That man hadn’t wanted to dance at first, and I made him, and then I booty popped him . . . and now he’s dead! I just felt like a booty assassin.

Unless it was making them look good in some kind of way. Me just being myself was never good enough for anyone to love me.

He’s ashamed of himself, because he left you when you were three, did nothing for you, and you ended up being very successful without him, and then you buy him stuff. You are not only a better person than he is, but you are kind and responsible where he is not, and you’re providing where he did not. Not just as his child, but as a woman, providing for him. Your goodness holds up a mirror to his ugliness, and that is too painful for him, so he has to project this onto you, by saying you make him feel less about himself. It’s nothing you did. It’s guilt.

That’s why I think my life turned out as good as it has. Because all the time, I’m just trying to have fun.

I believe my purpose is to bring joy to people, to make them laugh, and to share my story to help them. To show people that no matter what, they matter, and they can succeed. No matter how bad things go, no matter how dark your life is, there is a reason for it. You can find beauty in it, and you can get better. I know, because I’ve done it. That’s why my comedy so often comes from my pain. In my life, and I hope in yours, I want us to grow roses out of the poop.

my heart, I was so hurt and mad . . . but also I felt like that was so funny. Who throws a huge, broke-ass rearview mirror at people?

The only downside to the Bar Mitzvahs was that I killed a man once.

When we black women repeat our words, you know shit is bad.

I’m a survivor, and all this struggle I went through—while it sucked at the time—is really helping me now. It has helped me get to where I am, and it will help me continue to improve and do better. It didn’t always feel like it at times, but I truly believe I am blessed.

But it didn’t work out like that. I couldn’t get into the gang. Gangbanger: “You too cute. You gonna be something one day. You can come and kick it, but you can’t gangbang with us. If you want a drink or something, you can have a drink.

I became an “energy producer” at Bar Mitzvahs. Energy producer is what white suburban people call a “hype man.” I was basically the Flava Flav of Bar Mitzvahs.

DJ Timbo: “Tiffany, your ass is not deadly.” Tiffany: “No, my ass is deadly. That man is dead.

all my wins are lessons and all my failures are lessons that will one day become wins.

You know, because women be peeing themselves after they have babies.

That exchange basically sums up Titus. Sneaky and small-time.

I didn’t have the uniform yet. It was too big for me, so I had my grandma do alterations on it. I had a T-shirt, and I wrote on it in big black letters: “Will have uniform in 2 weeks. Grandma doin’ it.

Just do your shit. You ain’t gotta tell everybody you got a movie. Just do the fucking movie, Tiffany. Like don’t tell people where you’re at, because they’re going to come for you. They’re going to come for you. Because people will be trying to do bad stuff. They think bad thoughts, and they jealous, and they will try to fuck you up.

But to this day, if I have words with somebody, I never walk past them. I never turn my back on them. Now I’m always watching people. I’ve never had that problem with somebody hitting me in the back of the head no more. Never again after that.

In stand-up, you do need to be having fun up there like Richard Pryor said, but you have to know yourself well, too. You have to know when you make different faces, or do different things, you get certain reactions. You start learning and it’s like playing a piano. You just know exactly what keys to stroke, ’cause really with comedy, you’re like fiddling with people’s souls. You resonate on the same frequency as them, trying to get them to relate.

Eritrea,

Eritrean.

It's where the bros drink their brews, and the surfers sip their hurricanes, and they all just white together.

DJ Timbo: “Tiffany, that man was old. It was his time. He was probably happy. It was probably the first time he ever danced with a black girl in his life. It was the happiest moment of his life.

Every man is going to think of you as property. That’s why they want to put they last name on your name. Then you’re their property. So you want to make sure whoever you end up with knows how to maintain their property. See yourself as a house. You have to view yourself as the house on the highest part of the hill. You can’t let everybody come into your house. They can’t catch no bus to your house. They can’t ride no bike to your house. They got to have a nice car with four-wheel drive to get up to your house.

At first people were laughing ‘cause they thought I was just playin’. Then I pull my hair off, I took my shoes off, I took my earrings off, I bawled up my fists all furious and I started praying in the microphone: “Heavenly Father give me the strength and power to beat this girl down to the ground and teach her she ain’t never supposed to be disrespectful to anybody because I give zero fucks Lord, just give me the power to whip her ass. All these things I ask in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen”. I guess it was the way I said it because people stopped laughing.

Foster Mom: “Hm, hm, you’d be surprised, these little kids be out here fucking. ’Cause you know the last one you had up in here, she was eleven years old, and I had to get her a whole box of condoms.

I want to thank God most of all, because without God I wouldn’t be able to do any of this.

I believe in God. And I believe I have a purpose in life. I believe we all do. I believe you do, too. No matter how bad things go, no matter how dark your life is, there is a reason for it. You can find beauty in it, and you can get better. I know, because I’ve done it.

That’s why my comedy so often comes from my pain. In my life, and I hope in yours, I want us to grow roses out of the poop.

I have to value myself properly. That’s something I have had a hard time with in the past, but I’m getting better.

It didn’t always feel like it at times, but I truly believe I am blessed.

But you gotta understand my mind at the time. I’m thinking this is God’s work. Like this is exactly what I asked God for, even if he is not all that physically attractive, I can live without that. What’s important is his soul, and to me, his soul seemed like it cared about and cherished me a lot.

Yeah I took your bitch, BITCH, and I'll do it again. I'll take all your bitches, you little dirty-ass motherfucker.

But I’m going to have to be a single mom? Tiffany: “Why do I still got to be a statistic? This is not fair. I want to kiss Audie.

What the fuck? How can a police station be closed?

You don’t want to be the chick on TMZ that killed the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

I jumped out the bed, and I started to dance. I started full-on dancing. Nurse: Ms. Haddish, you can't dance. Ms. Maddish, you are scaring people. Tiffany: I'm free!! I'm free!! Thank God almighty, I am free!! I started doing the Running Man, and then I ran my ass right into the ground. Those drugs they give you are strong.

because them bitches was out to beat

I wish that men got endometriosis. If it was painful when they ejaculated, you know they would find a cure immediately and every doctor would know what to do to make it less painful, even a foot doctor.

None of my friends in high school showed any signs that their insides were on fire for a quarter of their lives. Were they just really good at pretending?

What I was learning was, in its own fucked up way, no feelings was as bad as too many.

Going through all that, taught me that you get to choose your response when you are afraid. You might not be able to control everything that happens to you but you do get to control how you respond to it.

Representation isn’t just checking off boxes, it’s validating experience.

Scar tissue is strong as hell. When a horse gets a cut the skin that grows back into a hard scar is called proud flesh, that sounds about right to me. I’m proud of how what I’ve been through has made me grow back stronger.