Stuart Shanker Quotes

Usually a child who is having trouble in the cognitive domain is also stressed in the biological and emotion domains, and attention to those helps relieve additional stress, making more energy available for cognitive tasks.

fact, research now shows that the more we focus on self-control and the harder we push for it, the harder self-control and positive behavioral change can become.

Neuroception is the glue that binds together not just the two individuals but the species as a whole.

They strive to dominate as a way of coping with the anxiety that they habitually feel in social situations.

1. Read the signs and reframe the behavior. 2. Identify the stressors. 3. Reduce the stress. 4. Reflect. Become aware of when you’re overstressed. 5. Respond. Figure out what helps you calm, rest, and recover.

By far the most interesting finding is that individuals’ performance can be manipulated by increasing the stress they’re under.

The problem goes still deeper than that. As stress drains their fuel tank, they rely on adrenaline and cortisol to keep themselves going.

The part of his brain that serves intentional behavior is precisely the part that shuts down when he becomes hyper

The problem is that if the amygdala sounds the alarm too often, the hypothalamus is constantly pressing on the gas pedal, then the brakes, and the brake pads wear out: The recovery system loses its resilience. When

Self-Reg starts by reframing a child’s behavior and, for that matter, our own. It means seeing the meaning of the child’s behavior, maybe for the first time.

The self-control paradigm represents a one-size-fits-all response to all challenges. In contrast, self-regulation creates an open, expansive system designed to channel our energy to help us function at our best under any circumstance.

The autonomic nervous system (ANS) reacts to stress with metabolic processes that consume energy and then sets in motion compensating processes that promote recovery and growth.

The greater our stress load, the more constrained this recovery process, and as a result, the fewer our resources to exercise self-control and the more intense our impulses become.

The limbic system, and in particular the amygdala and nucleus accumbens (in the ventral striatum), is the source of our strong emotions and urges.

idea behind self-control is that if you can develop the “muscle” (grit, determination, self-discipline) to win this war, this carries over to things like suppressing the impulse to give up when the going gets tough—with your child, your partner, your work.

So we need to read a child’s signs of heightened social arousal, like clinging to a teacher’s skirt; identify when his alarm is going off and, when we see this happening, lessen his arousal by pacing interactions to suit his comfort level; help him learn to recognize when he is starting to become anxious in social situations; and help him develop self-regulating strategies that enable him to stay socially engaged.

The effects of impulsivity, poorly managed negative emotions, inattentiveness, and gaps in social intelligence all emerge center stage in the prosocial domain.

Prosocial development rests first and foremost upon a child’s experience of empathy. Being loved, even when you’re behaving in a beastly fashion, is such an important point that it ranks as one of the governing principles of Self

is by being regulated a child develops the ability to self-regulate. Regulating a child is not at all the same thing as controlling a child.

When a child is calm, she is relaxed, aware of what’s going on inside and around her, and enjoying the state she’s in.

We need to help them disentangle all the different emotions (a process called emotional differentiation).

The problem is that if the amygdala sounds the alarm too often, the hypothalamus is constantly pressing on the gas pedal, then the brakes, and the brake pads wear out: The recovery system loses its resilience.

that it is only by being regulated that a child develops the ability to self-regulate.

Self-Reg is about becoming aware of and enhancing the internal processes of arousal regulation, not behavior management, about the critical role that an adult plays as an “external regulator” of a child’s arousal states until such time as the child is able to manage this on his or her own.

the way he did. He could have acted differently, was even aware that he should have acted differently. But stress behavior is physiologically based. When this happens, the child is not deliberately choosing his actions or aware in a rational way of what he’s doing. He’s lashing out (with words if not physically) or bolting (emotionally if not physically) because his nervous system, triggered by a sense of threat, shifts to fight or flight.

The process needed to begin with a kind of energy audit—and then implement steps to help her burn less and store more throughout the day.

Stressors in the biological domain include inadequate nutrition, sleep, or exercise; motor and sensorimotor challenges (a child finds it hard to run or to go down a flight of stairs without holding on to a rail); noise, sights, touch, smells, and other kinds of stimuli; pollution, allergens, and extreme heat and cold.

Any stressor in any domain can trigger a stress cycle, but a child is most vulnerable when in a low-energy/high-tension state.

But if we can tune out what he is saying and listen only to how he says it, what we hear are the sounds of a young child who is lashing out because he’s in distress. Our child—even our older teen—needs us to return to the role of external regulator in these moments.

Studies show that the greater the emotional, physical, or psychological stress, the harder it is for us to delay gratification.

Excess stress drains their energy for the long, steep climb of the day.

that disrupts homeostasis, the internal balance that an organism needs to deal with external challenges and to attend to its internal requirements, such as growth, reproduction, the immune system, and tissue repair.

He doesn’t actually know what he’s saying or doing: It’s just his way of letting me know that he’s in distress.

Why the child did so takes us into the realm of self-regulation. That’s where the power lies for behavioral change and for lifetime strategies for resilience and thriving in a stressful world.

The worst outcome of all is that the parents’ harsh behavior pushes the child past fight or flight into freeze, which is all too easily misconstrued as compliance.