Steven Wright Quotes

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.

What is the speed of dark?

A metaphor is like a simile.

When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

You can't have everything ... where would you put it?

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?

Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'

Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?

What a nice night for an evening.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

How young can you die of old age?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

How can there be self-help groups?

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?