Starter Marriage Quotes

It’s like I always say about the whole Jesus Christ thing. If he loves everyone, no matter what, then why is his love worth anything? I never understood that. If a teacher gives everyone in class an A, then the A loses its value. When a stripper tells every customer her “real” name because it makes each customer feel special, it isn’t special at all but just a manipulation. (Not to mention that “real” name is just a second fake name.) And men fall for this because they desperately need to believe a superhot half-naked chick wants them. Just like people desperately need to feel loved by someone, even if it’s love from a biblical character who inherently loves all creatures. I don’t want to be loved by someone who loves everyone. I want to be loved by someone who loves no one, because that makes the love special.

The “relationship escalator” refers to the expected progression of dating to marriage on a standardized timeline. You meet someone. You have sex on the third date. You decide to be monogamous after three months. You say I love you after five. You move in after a year and a half, propose after two years, are married six months later. Then you buy a “starter house” and pump out some rugrats. A few years in, you make some more monies and buy a “finisher house.” Finally, you remain married to your spouse until death do you part. If I sit and think about this for more than a minute, my testicles shoot up into my stomach. This doesn’t sound pleasant or comforting to me. It sounds horrifying, like a slow march toward the electric chair. Some people like having their life planned out. I do not. I like the freedom for life to change on a dime—for me to change on a dime.

Kissing after we say “I Do” is not purely out of romance. When ancient Romans reached an agreement, they would kiss to legally seal the contract. The practice was used in marriage contract as well, which has continued into modern times.

Perhaps you noticed a common theme in these seven habits. Miserable couples seek to control, manipulate, and change their partner. As you work through this book, if there are things about your partner that you cannot accept, make a firm commitment to work through these issues before your wedding day.

On the other hand, miserable couples put forth great efforts to force change. There is little patience for individual differences. The renowned psychologist William Glasser called these attempts to control our loved ones, external control psychology. Each of the seven habits of miserable couples is an external control psychology tactic.

Yet, as bad as having an overdrawn bank account is, overdrawing from our spouse’s love bank is far worse. According to Stepfamily.org, one out of two marriages ends in divorce, and the average marriage only lasts seven years.4 Prior to divorce come feelings of emptiness, hurt, anger, and despair. Divorce is rarely a sudden act. More often, it is the final destination of couples who have amassed a gaping love debt.

Happy couples strive to be one another’s biggest fans. Hebrews 10:24 says, “Let us take thought of how to spur one another on to love and good works.” While it is possible to overdo appreciation, this rarely happens. As a marriage and family therapist, I have never seen—nor heard of—a partner complaining, “My spouse appreciates me too much.” So, make your praise sincere and voice your appreciation often.

When others accept our weaknesses, we are better able to move on. Surprisingly, the act of acceptance—and not blaming and shaming—is precisely what opens the door to dynamic change and growth. Acceptance is a principle modeled by Christ Himself. Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” God accepts you as you are, warts and all. Happy couples follow His lead by accepting their spouse where he or she is at and allowing change to occur over time.

Proverbs 28:20 says, “A faithful person will have an abundance of blessings.” Happy couples fill each other’s love banks by being faithful in the little things. It is during the ordinary days of marriage that extraordinary trust is developed. In short, faithfulness builds trust, and trust is the foundation of a happy marriage!

In college, therapists discuss the pursue-flee dynamic. This harmful pattern occurs when one partner—who longs for the conflict to end—flees, while the other—desperate to find resolution to the conflict—responds in pursuit. Although the motives of each may be pure, the results are never pretty. Instead of getting stuck in this chaotic relationship dynamic, find a way to negotiate differences and move on.

While dating, couples are on their best behavior. They listen attentively, laugh at each other’s jokes, and choose to believe the best about each other. Married couples tend to be more honest, raw, and real. While this can be good—because raw emotions and serious conversations add much to the relationship—don’t forget to put your best foot forward, too. Marriage is not an excuse for relational laziness. Happy couples put their best foot forward day after day.

Happy couples stay curious. Remember, intimacy is into-me-see. You and your spouse are continually changing. There will always be new things to learn about each other, so keep talking and stay curious. May your marriage overflow with happiness and love in the years ahead!

I define intimacy as “into-me-see.” It is the ability to know another person while simultaneously being known. Intimacy involves a mutual sharing of inner worlds, including hopes, hurts, dreams, and nightmares. This process of mutual sharing binds hearts together.