Short Pun Quotes

How are you going to make it move? It doesn't have a – " "Be very quiet," advised the duke, "for it goes without saying." And, sure enough, as soon as they were all quite still, it began to move quickly through the streets, and in a very short time they arrived at the royal palace.

Aku merindukannya... Aku sudah lama merindukan Eomma dan ia sama sekali tidak merindukanku... memikirkanku pun tidak.

Hah! The leopard does not change his shorts, my girl!

Even though his name was Norberto, everybody called him Alberto, except for my grandmother, who called him Alfredo.

I’ve got places to be, so I guess we have to cut this short, if you’ll excuse the pun,” I say before I drive my blade beneath his ear. Blood cascades over the table in a flood of crimson.  “It’s game night.

My parents always reminded me to count my blessings and be grateful for the things that were good in my life and that it could always be worse. I was raised not to focus on the negative, but be thankful for the positive.

The world moves at a geological pace, no pun intended. That is, there’s lots of standing still, doing nothing much, and then the occasional short, sharp yank. Once in a while, there’s a huge kaboom, and nothing is quite the same afterward.

Hungry?” he asks. “The wager?” I remind him. “I’m getting there—it’s related to my question.” He lifts his chin to the meat locker. “They have good steaks here.” And just like that, I’m interested in whatever he’s suggesting. “They do. What’re you thinking?” “They have a porterhouse for two, three, or four.” I haven’t eaten in nearly twenty-four hours, and the idea of a big juicy steak has me salivating. “Yeah?” “So, I say we split the one for three, and whoever eats more wins.” “I’m going to guess their porterhouse for three could feed us both for a week.” “I’m betting you’re right.” His adorable grin should be accompanied by the sound of a silvery ding. “And your dinner is on me.” For not the first time, it occurs to me to ask him how he makes ends meet, but I can’t—not here, and maybe not when we’re alone, either. “You don’t have to do that.” “I think I can handle treating my wife to dinner on our wedding night.” Our wedding night. My heart thuds heavily. “That’s a lot of meat. No pun intended.” He grins enthusiastically. “I’d sure like to see how you handle it.” “You’re betting Holland can’t finish a steak?” Lulu chimes in from behind me. “Oh, you sweet summer child.” *** As we get up, I groan, clutching my stomach. “Is this what pregnancy feels like? Not interested.” “I could carry you,” Calvin offers sweetly, helping me with my coat. Lulu pushes between us, giddy from wine as she throws her arms around our shoulders. “You’re supposed to carry the bride across the threshold to be romantic, not because she’s broken from eating her weight in beef.” I stifle a belch. “The way to impress a man is to show him how much meat you can handle, don’t you know this, Lu?” Calvin laughs. “It was a close battle.” “Not that close,” Mark says, beside him. We went so far as to have the waiter split the cooked steak into two equal portions, much to the amused fascination of our tablemates. I ate roughly three-quarters of mine. Calvin was two ounces short. “Calvin Bakker has a pretty solid ring to it,” I say. He laugh-groans. “What did I get myself into?” “A marriage to a farm girl,” I say. “It’s best you learn on day one that I take my eating very seriously.

Segala hal yang dikatakan Komandan mengenai Orde adalah kebenaran yang tidak dilebih-lebihkan. Orde memang bersinonim dengan kebaikan. Orde menghargai kemajuan. Orde mencintai kehidupan. Orde bahkan mengajarkan pertobatan. Semua yang dijabarkan di dalam Kitab pada dasarnya akan berakhir pada kebahagiaan, pun setelah kematian. Akan tetapi Orde dan Kitab adalah takdir. Yang tidak dapat dibantah dan harus diterima semua orang dengan pasrah. Sama seperti penglihatanku, Orde tidak memberikan pilihan.

Old people poke me at weddings and tell me “your next” So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

If Shakespeare had written a work on puns, would that have been a play on words?

We named our little girl after her mother.  Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five next week.

When I was younger, I felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body.  Then I was born.

Today’s stock market report: helium was up, feathers were down and paper was stationary.

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?  Make me one with everything.

If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be ‘bad at following directions’.

I never forget a face but, in your case, I’m willing to make an exception.

I’m totally deaf.  I never thought I’d hear myself say that.

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?  I don’t know and I don’t care.

Auto correct has become my worst enema.

The only reason I’ve taken up jogging is so I can hear heavy breathing again.

Standing in a park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets.  And then it hit me.

Two tons of human hair destined for a wig maker has been stolen.  Police are combing the area. Police have just arrested the world tongue-twister champion. I imagine he’ll be given a tough sentence

I just asked my husband if he remembers what day it is today.  Scaring men is easy!

To the man who invented zero.  Thanks for nothing.

from the ball.

Make a man a fire and he’ll be warm for the night.  Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.

I have never understood why women love cats.  Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come when you call, they like to stay out all night and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep.  Every quality that women hate in men.

Why are there five syllables in monosyllabic?

Stressed’ is just ‘desserts’ spelt backwards.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?  A stick.

Arriving at work today a clown opened the door for me.  I thought ‘That’s a nice jester’.

If I’m ever feeling down, I just type ‘Yo are the best’ into Google.  It then responds ‘I think you mean “you are the best”’ and I feel so much better.

The tiles A, E, I, O, and U were discovered today in a dead Scrabble player’s stomach.  Vowel play is suspected.

Parallel lines have so much in common.  It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

I’ve just penned a song about a tortilla.  Actually it’s more of a wrap.

Sometimes it can’t be helped,” the doctor says. “But you’re okay. You’ll be going home soon. Are there any questions?” “Can I fuck?” There’s a loud pause. “I worry that taking my brother’s Viagra is what caused this ‘incident.’” “How so?” “I was taking a good amount of the stuff and, well, I worry I blew a fuse, so to speak.” “I don’t think so, but it’s an interesting idea. I’ll make a note of it.” “And so can I fuck? Can I take Viagra? Or Levitra, or whatever the hell comes next?” “I’d give it a rest,” the doctor says. “How long of a rest?” “Let’s say, if you are able to get an erection on your own, with no assistance, fine, but if you get a headache or feel ill, stop. If you can’t get an erection, which you may not be able to after an event such as this—not permanently, but for the short term—I’d lay off the hard stuff—no pun intended. It’s about how much risk you’re willing to tolerate. I’ve known men who after an event like this were terrified, they couldn’t even think of trying to have sex. Others try again right here in the hospital—they say it’s a ‘safe’ environment, but you didn’t hear that from me. That’s off the record, of course.” “Of course,” I say. “And of course the question is hypothetical. The truth is, I’m terrified, I’m suddenly terrified of everything. I can’t imagine taking the pills again, I can’t imagine ever wanting to have sex.

It's not only OK to be different, it's awesome and admirable and courageous and heroic. It's your differentness that is your destiny and your happiness, and your differentness is what makes the world more interesting.

She shielded her eyes from the sun, her truck keys dangling down the back of her free hand, as Cooper lowered the passenger window and leaned forward so he could see her. “G’day, Starfish. Need a lift?” She needed a lot of things. Hot coffee, sisters who weren’t nosy, a clear vision about what should be next on her life agenda. Being inside a small, sporty vehicle, trapped mere inches from Cooper Jax, even for the short ride down to Half Moon Harbor? That she definitely did not need. “I’m good, thanks. And can we retire the nickname? Please?” He’d begun calling her that after she’d regaled him with a steady string of childhood stories of life lived by the sea, and he’d commented that she seemed too big a fish for such a small pond. A starfish, as it were. She’d rolled her eyes at the very bad pun, but the nickname had stuck. Aussies were big on nicknames. And the honest truth of it was, she hadn’t minded hearing him call her that, even though it had been a joke, delivered as a ribbing, not an endearment. Now? Now she wasn’t sure how he meant it, or what it made her feel when he said it. Better to just bury it right, Ker? Like you do everything that makes you uncomfortable. She really needed to find a way to strangle her little voice. “I’ve got a meeting,” she went on, not giving him a chance to respond. He nodded to the basket in her arms. “Yes, I can see that. Demanding lot, laundry.” She glanced down, then back at him. “No, with my sisters. About Fiona’s wedding.” “Yes, I heard about it.” She didn’t ask how he could possible know that, or who he’d been talking to this time, because any person in town could have brought him up to speed on the goings-on about pretty much any person he wanted to know about. The downside to being home. One of the great things about being a wanderer was that folks only knew whatever parts of her story she opted to share with them. Cooper, she realized now, had already known more than pretty much anyone she’d met in her travels up to that point. God only knows what he’d learned in the twenty-four hours he’d been in the Cove. She didn’t want to examine how that made her feel either. “Three McCrae weddings in less than a year,” he commented, as if casually discussing the weather. Then he grinned. “Is it catching?

In short, human intelligent design (pun intended) should play a major role in shaping the future of our interactions with each other, with forthcoming technological artefacts, and with the infosphere we share among us and with them. After all, it is a sign of intelligence to make stupidity work for you.

There are always messages, even enigmas to be searched, mysteries to be solved in all of my books. I like to puzzle readers, but I do not make so to the point of being so complex that they will lose interest in the plot. And that for me is the essence of every great literature around the world, and that’s been so for ages. (....)Some were inpired by real life characters, some other books I wrote are hybrid fiction/non-fiction, so I pretty much get inspired by people who have lived, and even who are still breathing among us… so don’t get discouraged if I didn’t mention your personality traits yet. I might even have your name over my books, I must some day…

sides, my particular contribution was irrelevant.

By the time I finished my cross-examination, I was beet red, and not even sure I wanted to go to that medical school anymore,

I just burned 2000 calories.  Serves me right for having a nap while the brownies were cooking in the oven.

Doctor, I keep getting the urge to purchase a big white bear from the Arctic’.  ‘You’ve got buy polar disorder’.

shit. I’ve just got back from the funeral of my best friend.  He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.  It was a lovely service. Death is nature’s way of saying ‘Slow down’. I intend to live forever……or die trying. What happens when you get scared half to death twice? A man has died after falling into a vat of coffee.  It was instant. A Chinese man faked his death but his family were suspicious.  They didn’t bereave him. I saw an ad for burial plots.  I thought to myself ‘That’s the last thing I need’. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week and phoned her up to arrange a date.  Unfortunately, she’d popped her clogs. My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.  He said that it’s worth shelling out on good speakers. A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train.  When it happened, he was chuffed to bits. The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP. A Mexican stuntman died while making a film.  At his funeral, his mother approached the director and said ‘Jesus died for your scenes’. The Grim Reaper came for me last night and I beat him

I’m still an atheist, thank God.

Why did the chicken commit suicide?  To get to the other side.

The eyes are one of the last parts of your body to die.  They dilate.

Be nice to your kids.  They’ll choose your nursing home.

If you choke a Smurf, what colour will it turn?

Truth

The 21st century is no exception, with Swine Flu and Bird Flu acting as nasty reminders that rearing animals in close quarters – and inhumanely – might still come back to bite us (no pun intended).

It turns out the drama that naturally occurs in our lives has made for years of inspiring, relatable, joyful, and sometimes tearful television.

I’ve been reading a book about anti-gravity.  It’s impossible to put down.