Scottish Humour Quotes

We Slovenians are even better misers than you Scottish. You know how Scotland began? One of us Slovenians was spending too much money, so we put him on a boat and he landed in Scotland.

I heard you went to Ireland...I haven't seen it in many years. Is it still green then, and beautiful? Wet as a bath sponge and mud to the knees but, aye, it was green enough.

And all those boys of Europe born in those times, and thereabouts those times, Russian, French, Belgian, Serbian, Irish, English, Scottish, Welsh, Italian, Prussian, German, Austrian, Turkish – and Canadian, Australian, American, Zulu, Gurkha, Cossack, and all the rest – their fate was written in a ferocious chapter in the book of life, certainly. Those millions of mothers and their million gallons of mother’s milk, millions of instances of small talk and baby talk, beatings and kisses, ganseys and shoes, piled up in history in great ruined heaps, with a loud and broken music, human stories told for nothing, for ashes, for death’s amusement, flung on the mighty scrapheap of souls, all those million boys in all their humours to be milled by the millstones of a coming war.

Colonel Talbot? he is a very disagreeable person, to be sure. He looks as if he thought no Scottish woman worth the trouble of handing her a cup of tea.

Sir Hamish Graham has many of the qualities & most of the failings that result from being born to a middle-class Scottish family. He was well educated, hard working & honest, while at the same time being narrow-minded, uncompromising & proud.

Tony smothered the life that me and Ma had built, a furry mould growing over a sweating slab of cheese.

Hardship bred a bitter, quickfire humour and resilience to all but the most terminal of life's tragedies.

Telescopes and bathyscapes and sonar probes of Scottish lakes, Tacoma Narrows bridge collapse explained with abstract phase-space maps, some x-ray slides, a music score, Minard's Napoleonic war: the most exciting new frontier is charting what's already here.

Christ – wid ye take a look at that numpty? Fuckin "Popeye" izzit?’ Jimmy gestured towards the bar. ‘C**t obviously husnae hud his spinach, eh?

We left the nursery in silence, Ma smoking a roll-up, looking like she hadn’t slept in a week or maybe like she had slept for a whole week. When the nursery was just a grubby finger smudge behind us Ma looked down at me and said in her poshed-up telephone voice: “Will you speak to Janie about swearing? Fuckin’ busybody!” I laughed and swung our linked hands. “Aye, fuckin’ busybody.” Pleas of laughter escaped us and spiraled up into the hot, blue Scottish sky. We laughed all the way home

An hour later and a faint movement caught my eye. Mum was weakly flapping her hand, beckoning me to her. I had no idea how long she had been trying to attract my attention. As I bent over to catch her last words she whispered, ‘turn that bloody music off

He wasn’t a pretty boy, his nose was crooked and his grin lopsided, but he had that square-jawed, salt-of-the-earth handsome look that made a girl think of loose-hipped cowboys and demanding Scottish Lairds. And speaking of Scottish Lairds, old mate was a redhead. Usually gingers weren’t her scene but this guy’s hair was the rich coppery-auburn of a fox's pelt. It gleamed like rose gold under the floodlights, his short beard the exact colour as the stuff on his head. Big Red was doing it for her. Big time. And apparently, the feeling was mutual.

something wrong with Mr MacDougall’s Scottishness. It smelt of fraud like Ossian. ‘Svenson,’ the gloomy Scandinavian said sharply from behind his little Swedish flag; at least Wormold thought it was Swedish: he could never distinguish with certainty between the Scandinavian colours. ‘Wormold,’ he said. ‘What is all this nonsense of the milk?’ ‘I think’ Wormold said, ‘that Dr Braun is being a little too literal.’ ‘Or funny,’ Carter said. ‘I don’t think Dr Braun has much sense of humour.’ ‘And what do you do, Mr Wormold?’ the Swede asked. ‘I don’t think

Och, away now, Ruari. You'll be telling us you're not knowing who that woman is next! Man, man, that's an awful affliction.” A grey-bristled, weather-beaten face beamed back at him. “And isn't it you that's making the drives in her car at the dead of night, too?” A female voice joined in from behind the sweets jars: “Oh my, Ruari ... 'tis a terrible thing the guilt of the carnal pleasures!” “I haven't had any carnal pleasures ... I simply got a lift home. You're terrible, right enough,” he defended himself.

Very few have a good opinion of the English, their funny traditions or Englishness. I, personally, have the highest opinion of them..

There she was in all her new clothes looking quite proud with her new hat on. First, she did a few laser flips, then a Gazelle Flip, then a Hard Flip followed by an amazing Fakie Beta Flip. The crowd gave out a loud roar, it was a perfect ten.

Guthrie Lochrin, a Scottish wizard writing in 1107, spoke of the 'splinter-filled buttocks and bulging piles' he suffered after a short broom ride from Montrose to Arbroath.