Sane Relationship Quotes

Unrequited love is the only emotion that allows sane people to taste the “life sentence” of someone with bipolar disorder. The longer they hang onto a lost cause the more unstable they look to everyone else. They contradict their own belief systems and statements, by circling the drain with two competing emotions—love and hate.

Sanity is not about confrontation. It's about filtering. Having a stable and happy life is about saying "no" to crazy people, not about inviting them in and then hoping that confrontations are going to make them sane.

I want love, passion, honesty, and companionship... sex that drives me crazy and conversation that drives me sane.

If he could walk across the room and touch her he would be sane. But between them lay a treacherous and complex journey. It was a very wide world.

The only generally accepted rules of sex-play in a BDSM relationship are that whatever the participants engage in must be safe, sane, and it must be consensual.

If we cannot always be entirely sane in our relationships, the kindest thing we can do for those who care about us is to hand over some maps that try to chart and guide others through the more disturbed regions of our internal world.

When seeing the simple truth means recognizing that we're in sin, we would rather see things as being complicated.

You can't compare men or women with mental disorders to the normal expectations of men and women in without mental orders. Your dealing with symptoms and until you understand that you will always try to find sane explanations among insane behaviors. You will always have unreachable standards and disappointments. If you want to survive in a marriage to someone that has a disorder you have to judge their actions from a place of realistic expectations in regards to that person's upbringing and diagnosis.

My mothering needed a tad more Mother Theresa and a lot less Lizzy Borden.

How do people know they are sane? Can a person be gripped by lunacy, only to be released a short time later, never to relive the episode again?

An angry woman is a bitch. An angry man is strong, whereas, a sad man or a fearful man is a wimp. A sad or fearful woman is frail.

In a sane world, a term like "chronic crisis" would be instantly seen by anone as an oxymoron. Nevertheless, that's the state that many of us Western Worlders live in, provoking crisis after crisis so that we can justify our dis-ease rather than addressing that directly.

The common element in both submission and domination is the symbiotic nature of relatedness. Both persons involved have lost their integrity and freedom; they live on each other and from each other, satisfying their craving for closeness, yet suffering from the lack of inner strength and self-reliance which would require freedom and independence, and furthermore constantly threatened by the conscious or unconscious hostility which is bound to arise from the symbiotic relationship.10 The realization of the submissive (masochistic) or the domineering (sadistic) passion never leads to satisfaction.

What am I doing? Perhaps the evil witch had a point. No, I refuse to believe that. She's so cold and cruel. I shake my head. She's wrong. I am right for Christian. I am what he needs. And. In that moment of stunning clarity, I don't question how he's lived his life until recently—but why. His reasons for doing what he's done to countless girls—I don't even want to know how many. The how isn't wrong. They were all adults. They were all—How did Flynn put it?—in safe, sane, consensual relationships. It's the why. The why was wrong. The why was from his place of darkness. I close my eyes and drape my arm over them. But now he's move on, left it all behind, and we are both in the light.

I can't get his bones to go down the fucking drain. I try to stuff the tiny holes, too tiny for this pain. I can't get his bones to break any way for my gain. Break them back a little too far, never too far for the sake of sane.

Perhaps for him there's a way to love that's sane and happy, that isn't cruel.

You're too sane for a lunatic girl like me. You live in reality, while I tango in the jungle of my imagination making love to firecracker dreams.

Listening to differences and working through them is about understanding and compromise, not about winning. Rather than damning others with judgments, I think our lives would be better if we remained open with curiosity.

During the Renaissance there was a renewed interest in the relationship between genius, melancholia, and madness. A stronger distinction was made between sane melancholies of high achievement and individuals whose insanity prevented them from using their ability. The eighteenth century witnessed a sharp change in attitude; balance and rational thought, rather than “inspiration” and emotional extremes, were seen as the primary components of genius.

A glib wisdom holds that people like this just don’t want relationships. They have “problems with intimacy.” But the salient fact is: These were relationships. In Tommy’s case, in Gary’s, and in several others they were relationships that lasted years. Intimacy for most of us is a condition that endures, however often repeated, for minutes or for hours. And these all had their many intimate hours. But, like all sane relationships, they also had limits.

Nationalism, originally a progressive movement, replaced the bonds of feudalism and absolutism. The average man today obtains his sense of identity from his belonging to a nation, rather than from his being a "Son of Man." His objectivity, that is, his reason, is warped by this fixation. He judges the "stranger" with different criteria than the members of his own clan. His feelings toward the stranger are equally warped. Those who are not "familiar" by bonds of blood and soil (expressed a common language, customs, food, song, etc.) are looked upon with suspicion, and paranoid delusions about them can spring up at the slightest provocation. This incestuous fixation not only poisons the relationship of the individual to the stranger, but to the members of his own clan and to himself. The person who has not freed himself from the ties to blood and soil is not yet fully born as a human being; his capacity for love and reason are crippled; he does not experience himself nor his fellow man in their-and his own-human reality.

Exploiters sniff out all human relationships from a position of advantage or status and then parlay those relationships into as much gain as possible.

relationships with narcissists are kept in place by two mechanisms: hope and fear.

Close relationships can be very difficult with covert narcissists, and they manifest more of an anxious/avoidant attachment style in close relationships

A narcissistic or toxic or deeply entitled person will not change enough to make a close relationship sustainable in a meaningful way. And you will never be enough for him or her.

You drive me crazy, but you keep my sane.

You drive me crazy, but you keep me sane.

Hope can be a dangerous emotion when you are in a narcissistic or toxic relationship.

If they insult you, just nod your head and walk away. The longer you defend yourself and keep taking the fight, the longer you allow this relationship to run your life.

Narcissistic and toxic relationships leave you feeling depleted in a variety of ways: feeling like you aren’t good enough, chronically second-guessing yourself, often apologizing, and/or feeling as though you are losing your mind, helpless, hopeless, sad, depressed, anxious, unsettled, no longer getting pleasure out of your life, ashamed, guilty, and exhausted.

No sane paleontologist would ever claim that he or she had discovered "The Ancestor." Think about it this way: What is the chance that while walking through any random cemetery on our planet I would discover an actual ancestor of mine? Diminishingly small. What I would discover is that all people buried in these cemeteries-- no mater whether that cemetery is in China, Botswana, or Italy-- are related to me to different degrees. I can find this out by looking at their DNA with many of the forensic techniques in use in crime labs today. I'd see that some of the denizens of the cemeteries are distantly related to me, others are related more closely. This tree would be a very powerful window into my past and my family history. It would also have a practical application because I could use this tree to understand my predilection to get certain diseases and other facts of my biology. The same is true when we infer relationship among species.

The “tourist” with his camera is an outstanding symbol of an alienated relationship to the world. Being constantly occupied with taking pictures, actually he does not see anything at all, except through the intermediary of the camera. The camera sees for him, and the outcome of his “pleasure” trip is a collection of snapshots, which are the substitute for an experience which he could have had, but did not have.

Sponsor said relationships are fertilizer for character defects. I thought about it, prayed about it, and agreed. I guess it's better to minimize damage, adopt a sane and sound ideal, and buy pussy from now on.

The dogs were partly responsible for keeping her sane. The relationship she had with them was pure joy. No ulterior motives, no spite, just love and care and kindness, exactly the emotions she wanted to cultivate.

I love a man who tickles me awake with reality, and kisses me goodnight with fiction Braids my hair with simplicity to compliment my contradiction And calms the waging wars inside with a simple boyish look For he is as much a mystery as he is an open book When I am at my worst, I am beautiful by his side He draws me in yet keeps me free, the moon to my tide He relishes my quirks and antics just as much I love to keep him frantic And if I ever fall, he doesn’t catch me right away Because he knows I’ll glide And even more so, knows how much I enjoy the ride… With the strength I lack, he holds my insecurity safe in-between his fingers And if there is ever a doubt while I am out running about His steady grip lingers He drives me crazy just as much as he keeps me sane And has the wisdom to keep me wild knowing I’ll die if ever tame So when I am far, he frets not, because he knows he’s my favorite destination If ever I am down, he joins me on the ground and points out my favorite constellations He catches my sighs and lackluster replies With ageless humor and tenacity I draw blanks at his capacity And challenge his audacity But He wins because despite my stubbornness he is persistent Yet forever fails because he belongs to nonexistent

A woman, unless she is an idiot, sooner or later meets a piece of human wreckage and tries to rescue him. She sometimes succeeds. But a woman, unless she is an idiot, sooner or later finds a sane, healthy man and makes a wreck of him. She always succeeds.

Obviously, therefore, we must be able to transcribe what is in us into our mental and objective consciousness, by establishing a relationship between the life in us and observation of that life in Nature. This we find supremely well expressed by the ancient Egyptians. It is a knowledge of magic, pure and sane, which can lead rapidly toward the spiritual goal of our lives, owing to the fact that we can evoke, by means of the sympathy of analogues in our surroundings, the consciousness of the heart latent in us.

In general, when you are in a relationship with a toxic narcissist and attempting to coparent, you are, in essence, a single parent with an elephant on your back; you have all the responsibilities and are undermined on a daily basis. It would be easier to be an actual single parent.

Embrace moments of change not as a frightening unknown but as an opportunity to uncover and pursue your desires. At first it will feel like letting go of a rope and not knowing where the ground is. It can be scary. But more often than not, solid ground is only two inches below your feet.

As soon as you recognize patterns of entitlement and invalidation or notice that someone is a little too charming or a little too glib, or love-bombs you a little too much, get out. Fast. These relationships also tend to move too fast—people get married too fast, move in too fast, have children too fast.

short term always leaves us in a place worse off than when we started. — To properly heal from addiction, we need a holistic approach. We need to create a life we don’t need to escape. We need to address the root causes that made us turn outside ourselves in the first place. This means getting our physical health back, finding a good therapist, ending or leaving abusive relationships, learning to reinhabit our bodies, changing our negative thought patterns, building support networks, finding meaning and connecting to something greater than ourselves, and so on. To break the cycle of addiction, we need to learn to deal with cravings, break old habits, and create new ones. To address all of this is an overwhelming task, but there is a sane, empowering, and balanced approach. But before we discuss how to implement solutions to the Two-Part Problem, we need to address one of the bigger issues that women and other historically oppressed folks need to consider, which is how patriarchal structures affect the root causes of addiction, how they dominate the recovery landscape, and what that means for how we experience recovery. If we are sick from sexism, homophobia, racism, classism, microaggressions, misogyny, ableism, American capitalism, and so on—and we are—then we need to understand how recovery frameworks that were never built with us in mind can actually work against us, further pathologizing characteristics, attributes, and behaviors that have been used to keep us out of our power for millennia. We need to examine what it means for us individually and collectively when a structure built by and for upper-class white men in the early twentieth century dominates the treatment landscape.

you haven’t experienced anything resembling empathy since the first few weeks of the relationship; you feel chronically undermined, dehumanized, and invalidated; you no longer trust your own decisions; you have withdrawn from other people who matter to you and do not really feel confident enough to push yourself; and you may even be depressed.

When people are in the throes of a relationship with a narcissist, many of them do not listen to reason. The gentle feedback from friends and family, the sideways looks, even abject concern from those close to them are often ignored during the early phase of the relationship when it is all about love bombing, the seduction, the romance, the excitement, the “magic,” and the chase.

Many times, people can get lulled into a narcissistic relationship simply because they “want to be wanted.” That is in marked contrast to wanting to be respected, wanting to be valued, or wanting to grow. Many times, the narcissist’s love bomby approach (constantly calling, texting, DMing, liking social media posts, checking in, asking you where you have been) is not loving or intense curiosity—it is control.

Out on the Savannah, our physiological responses were perfectly suited to deal with stressors (run from the big animals with big teeth). These days we can’t just run from what drives up our anxiety and stress; mortgages, money problems, looking hot, relationships and deadlines. Evolution did not set us up to suffer Jurassic Park levels of stress, day in day out; that’s the bitch of living at today’s pace. Psychological

We have no obligation to endure or enable certain types of certain toxic relationships. The Christian ethic muddies these waters because we attach the concept of long-suffering to these damaging connections. We prioritize proximity over health, neglecting good boundaries and adopting a Savior role for which we are ill-equipped. Who else we'll deal with her?, we say. Meanwhile, neither of you moves towards spiritual growth. She continues toxic patterns and you spiral in frustration, resentment and fatigue. Come near, dear one, and listen. You are not responsible for the spiritual health of everyone around you. Nor must you weather the recalcitrant behavior of others. It is neither kind nor gracious to enable. We do no favors for an unhealthy friend by silently enduring forever. Watching someone create chaos without accountability is not noble. You won't answer for the destructive habits of an unsafe person. You have a limited amount of time and energy and must steward it well. There is a time to stay the course and a time to walk away. There's a tipping point when the effort becomes useless, exhausting beyond measure. You can't pour antidote into poison forever and expect it to transform into something safe, something healthy. In some cases, poison is poison and the only sane response is to quit drinking it. This requires honest self evaluation, wise counselors, the close leadership of the Holy Spirit, and a sober assessment of reality. Ask, is the juice worth the squeeze here. And, sometimes, it is. You might discover signs of possibility through the efforts, or there may be necessary work left and it's too soon to assess. But when an endless amount of blood, sweat and tears leaves a relationship unhealthy, when there is virtually no redemption, when red flags are frantically waved for too long, sometimes the healthiest response is to walk away. When we are locked in a toxic relationship, spiritual pollution can murder everything tender and Christ-like in us. And a watching world doesn't always witness those private kill shots. Unhealthy relationships can destroy our hope, optimism, gentleness. We can lose our heart and lose our way while pouring endless energy into an abyss that has no bottom. There is a time to put redemption in the hands of God and walk away before destroying your spirit with futile diligence.

We are living the true real-life fairy tale,” or the greatest narcissistic ringer of them all, “No one will ever love you the way I do.” This love bombing can be a bit disarming, but, by and large, it is deeply romanticized. It does feel like a real-life fairy tale, and especially for someone who is young and vulnerable—or even someone who has been bashed in other relationships—it can feel like the ship and the prince (or princess) have come in. Love bombing is a classic red flag.

Most narcissistic people start their game strong and, as noted earlier, they are overflowing with charm, charisma, and confidence—the three seductive Cs. I maintain my assertion that these traits should leave you very concerned because, in some ways, they are distractors. They can pull you away from digging deeper and understanding the other person or really paying attention to the core qualities that make for a strong relationship, including respect, empathy, compromise, reciprocity, and kindness. In

Communal narcissists may seem like they care very much about people facing challenges around the world—and be the first to jump on a flight to dig a well or help hurricane victims—but, in their own life, they can have all of the usual narcissistic relationship patterns, including detachment, lack of empathy, entitlement, and anger. This juxtaposition can be very confusing for partners, family, and friends, who see these people being viewed by the world as the great givers, yet, at home, they are anything but.

There is a paradox here, however, a paradox that provides some consolation: these feelings of guilt are harmful to one’s mental health, yes, granted. But those who have no need to feel guilty are, in my experience, the most mentally unhealthy of all of us, because the only way to have a guilt-free relationship with one’s parents is to talk to them and see them constantly, maybe even live with them. And that can’t be good, can it? So if those are the choices – permanent guilt, or some kind of Freudian awfulness involving five phone calls a day – then I have made the sane and mature choice.

Just as no sane farmer would express disappointment because his cow did not lay eggs or hope that his cow might be induced to lay eggs, an intelligent observer should be expected to refrain from critical or hortatory discussion of the functional capacity of the United Nations that is uninformed by an accurate understanding of the realistic possibilities. We have no warrant for being hopeful, disillusioned, cynical, or fearful of the United Nations, unless the expectations that enter into our judgment bear some sensible relationship to the nature of the organization and the limitations set by the political context within which it operates.

Look at your “hobophobia.” If there is one group of people our majority population fear and despise it is rootless, nomadic individuals with no stake in society. They offend simply by “opting out”—of property, commitments, beliefs, relationships, expectations. Many such people have turned their backs on a society they don’t understand or can’t cope with. They have absconded from the pressures to compete, to perform, to sell out, to join in the dance of bureaucracy, money worries, cohabitation, housekeeping, procreation, you-name-it. Society is right to fear such people because they embody the sane rejection of many insanely onerous “civilized” values that would collapse under scrutiny. Strangely, though, society also makes an idol of Jesus, apparently a nomad who had no possessions or family ties, who walked away from a promising career in carpentry, a hobo if ever there was one. (We haven’t, however, made a popular hero out of Diogenes, the ultimate dirty Greek hobo.)

Making Time for God Don’t burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don’t quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Romans 12:11-12 MSG Has the busy pace of life robbed you of the peace that might otherwise be yours through Jesus Christ? If so, you are simply too busy for your own good. Through His Son Jesus, God offers you a peace that passes human understanding, but He won’t force His peace upon you; in order to experience it, you must slow down long enough to sense His presence and His love. Each waking moment holds the potential to think a creative thought or offer a heartfelt prayer. So even if you’re a woman with too many demands and too few hours in which to meet them, don’t panic. Instead, be comforted in the knowledge that when you sincerely seek to discover God’s purpose for your life, He will respond in marvelous and surprising ways. Remember: this is the day that He has made and that He has filled it with countless opportunities to love, to serve, and to seek His guidance. Seize those opportunities today, and keep seizing them every day that you live. We all long for that more sane lifestyle rather than being overwhelmed. Patsy Clairmont When a church member gets overactive and public worship is neglected, his or her relationship with God will be damaged. Anne Ortlund In our tense, uptight society where folks are rushing to make appointments they have already missed, a good laugh can be a refreshing as a cup of cold water in the desert. Barbara Johnson Life is not intended to be simply a round of work, no matter how interesting and important that work may be. A moment’s pause to watch the glory of a sunrise or a sunset is soul satisfying, while a bird’s song will set the steps to music all day long. Laura Ingalls Wilder MORE FROM GOD’S WORD Careful planning puts you ahead in the long run; hurry and scurry puts you further behind. Proverbs 21:5 MSG You can’t go wrong when you love others. When you add up everything in the law code, the sum total is love.

April 21 Now Don’t Hurt the Lord! Have I been so long time with you, and yet hast thou not known Me, Philip? John 14:9 Our Lord must be repeatedly astounded at us—astounded at how un-simple we are. It is opinions of our own which make us stupid; when we are simple we are never stupid, we discern all the time. Philip expected the revelation of a tremendous mystery, but not in the One Whom he knew. The mystery of God is not in what is going to be, it is now; we look for it presently, in some cataclysmic event. We have no reluctance in obeying Jesus, but it is probable that we are hurting Him by the questions we ask. “Lord, shew us the Father.” His answer comes straight back—“There He is, always here or nowhere.” We look for God to manifest Himself to His children: God only manifests Himself in His children. Other people see the manifestation, the child of God does not. We want to be conscious of God; we cannot be conscious of our consciousness and remain sane. If we are asking God to give us experiences, or if conscious experience is in the road, we hurt the Lord. The very questions we ask hurt Jesus because they are not the questions of a child. “Let not your heart be troubled”—then am I hurting Jesus by allowing my heart to be troubled? If I believe the character of Jesus, am I living up to my belief? Am I allowing anything to perturb my heart, any morbid questions to come in? I have to get to the implicit relationship that takes everything as it comes from Him. God never guides presently, but always now. Realise that the Lord is here now, and the emancipation is immediate.

Each one of us has a relationship with our own ignorance, a dishonest, complicated relationship, and that dishonesty keeps us sane, happy, and willing to get out of bed in the morning.

Lack of empathy is what makes narcissists problematic partners, parents, friends, coworkers—just about any relationship you can think of. Empathy is an inside job, and narcissists have underdeveloped psychological endoskeletons.

Our marriage has been such a foundation for me. Whenever young actors ask me for advice, I always tell them: get your house in order. Your relationships, your health, your personal life: that’s your foundation. If your home life is sane, it allows you to go insane in your work.

us. A review by Julianne Holt-Lunstad (2010), a researcher at Brigham Young University, suggests that better quality and more connected social relationships can increase the likelihood of survival by 50 percent,

sometimes you have to take a step back and look at your life and your goals and ask yourself if what you’re aiming for is the right thing. The sane thing. The healthy choice for you and your relationships. If it’s worth pursuing your dreams to the exclusion of all else.

Two healthy habits we underestimate, at our own peril, are nurturing the relationships that keep us sane—and extricating ourselves from the ones that make us feel measurably worse.

In the proper fashion of divorced mothers, during her sane, lucid moments my mother would, of course, pay lip service to the idea that I ought to have a relationship with my father. Everybody needs and deserves a mommy and a daddy. In reality, she didn’t want me to get too close to him. She wanted him around, but only in his rightful, Saturday-afternoon place. And who could blame her? How could my mom tell me, whom she loved more than anyone else in the world, that she wanted me to have a good relationship with my father, whom she hated more than anyone else on earth, and not get found out? Ditto my dad.

Observationally, the fact that a person’s health improves upon leaving or modifying such relationships certainly suggests there are benefits to stepping away—but the mechanisms of any such improvements remain unclear. Research that has been done on the impact of conflictual marital relationships and health has shown that conflictual relationships are associated with changes in immune function (for example, research by health psychologist Janice Kiecolt-Glaser and her colleagues).

These relationships can leave people thrown off in all areas of their lives. People who are in marriages or relationships with narcissistic, entitled, toxic partners will report having problems with decision-making at work and in other areas of life; apologizing to everyone, even for issues that are unrelated to them; a fear of making plans or setting goals, because there is the assumption that they will not be realized or that the people cannot make those plans happen because they are not good enough or will not be allowed to pursue them;

Frankly, if the nature of your relationship with your child during his or her childhood was genuinely abusive, then perhaps your child is distancing himself or herself as a means of protection, and it is not fair to label him or her as “unfairly difficult.

Because our entitlement culture is based on the idea that money can fix anything, when a situation arises in which that does not work, the person falls apart. These situations typically involve other people—the entitled person may lose a relationship and want it back and the other person cannot be bought or manipulated, or the entitled person receives a bad grade in a class and really cannot bribe or threaten a professor

In the grandiose world in which we live, lots of people fall for the hype that bigger is better. Not in relationships.

Toxic people will often assert that it is not fair that you may have found happiness after leaving any form of relationship with them, as though there is some form of suffering (more than you already endured) that you need to experience or a punishment that needs to be enacted because you had the chutzpah and courage to distance yourself or walk away from the toxic situation altogether.

In the absence of enough self-esteem to believe you can thrive on your own, staying can be just a manifestation of the defeat these relationships bring, or the paralysis induced by fear.

the interpersonal qualities that keep us healthy in our long-term relationships, such as kindness, compassion, respect, vulnerability, warmth, and genuineness, are often devalued, especially in men.

the parent views the child as a source of narcissistic supply. So, just as in every other relationship toxic people maintain, they look upon other people as “conveniences” that either meet their needs or are “inconveniences”—and their children are no different.

Women increasingly are sold the narrative of the fantasy of marrying the billionaire or the prince. Toxic, narcissistic relationships are plagued by this transactional nature.

And, since the narcissistic and toxic relationship undercuts any sense of confidence and fills people with self-doubt, they no longer trust their judgment. It becomes easy to think that the problems are “temporary” or perhaps that you are “overreacting,” and it can become quite simple to fall into the trap of “trying harder,” “loving more,” and “making more sacrifices.” A courtship with a narcissist is more of an indoctrination than a love story.

have observed that being raised in an invalidating family can create the risk of a person’s feeling as though he or she is not enough, and either observed or participated in denial of problems within the family. In their adult relationships, people from invalidating family systems may then transition into playing the role of rescuer and caregiver with the goal of “winning over” his or her unwinnable partner (a replay of trying to win over the unwinnable parent).

Narcissistic and toxic relationships tend to hijack our brains, leaving our bodies to do the heavy lifting. Over the years, I have had myriad clients who spent decades contriving complex rationalizations and excuses and downright amnesia for a narcissistic or toxic person’s behavior. And then, one day, their bodies gave out.

Listen to your body; it tends to be more honest and it is better at sussing out a toxic relationship than your mind.

fairy-tale dream.” That dream has often left people completely financially dependent on a partner, and, decades later, when they decide to leave, they have no work history, few independent assets, a messy divorce, and a fear of starting again. Transactional relationships imprison people.

In this scenario, the parents would issue disproportionate punishments or chronically criticize, invalidate, or shame the child for his or her emotions. The child then learns that power is the means of managing close relationships and that expression of feelings is a weakness.

This pattern of C-PTSD is not unusual in people who have had to maintain long-term relationships with narcissists and other high-conflict toxic people—and this can include narcissistic parents, partners, siblings, colleagues, and bosses.

Once you devote part of yourself to meaning and purpose—through creativity, work, volunteering, spirituality, or simply loving the people around you—you’ll be on a fast track to regenerating yourself and healing from the damage wrought by a relationship with a narcissist.

Why,” he said at last, “why did you come alone - why were you sent alone? Everything, still, will depend upon that ship coming. Why was it made so difficult for you, and for us?” “It’s the Ekumen’s custom, and there are reasons for it. Though in fact I begin to wonder if I’ve ever understood the reasons. I thought it was for your sake that I came alone, so obviously alone, so vulnerable, that I could in myself pose no threat, change no balance: not an invasion, but a mere-messenger boy. But there’s more to it than that. Alone, I cannot change your world. But I can be changed by it. Alone, I must listen, as well as speak. Alone, the relationship I finally make, if I make one, is not impersonal and not only political: it is individual, it is personal, it is both more and less than political. Not We and They; not I and It; but I and Thou. Not political, not pragmatic, but mystical. In a certain sense the Eminem is not a body politic, but a body mystic. It considers beginnings to be extremely important. Beginnings, and means. Its doctrine is just the revers of the doctrine that the ends justifies the means. It proceeds, therefore, by subtle ways, and slow ones, and queer, risky ones; rather as evolution does, which is in certain senses its model…So I was sent alone, for your sake? Or for my own? I don’t know. Yes, it has made things difficult. But I might ask you as profitably why you’ve never seen fit to invent airborne vehicles? One small stolen airplane would have spared you and me a great deal of difficulty!” “How would it ever occur to a sane man that he could fly?” Estraven said sternly.

A healthy, loving relationship is reciprocal, respectful, patient, compassionate, empathic, kind, and supportive.

A healthy, loving relationship is reciprocal, respectful, patient, compassionate, empathic, kind, and supportive. That’s it. If, in the midst of that, it is fun, exciting, romantic, sexy, and adventurous, then wonderful—that’s the icing and the cake.

Sadly, especially as more and more narcissistic relationships proliferate, more and more relationships are largely characterized by control, fear, and desire. Increasingly, people are conflating control with solicitude or attentiveness or confusing fear with excitement and, “This is my one and only.

This is likely a pattern you become aware of as you spend more time with your partner. Narcissistic ex-partners can wreak havoc on your new relationship and make it all but impossible to be a healthy influence in your partner’s children’s lives.

If you are already in a situation like this or married to and perhaps have a blended family with a person who has a narcissistic ex-partner, you need to do the same due diligence as those who themselves have a toxic ex-partner. Ensure that you document everything. Consult with an attorney on ensuring that custodial and financial matters are as clearly articulated as possible, maintaining strict boundaries, and recognizing that this is baggage that you didn’t ask for but that came as part of the new relationship

Domestic violence is a severe and often life-threatening situation. While all of the dynamics laid forth in this book are relevant, the process of getting out of an abusive relationship can be quite dangerous and require different and more acute intervention through law enforcement, domestic violence programs and shelters, and other means of safety, which are beyond the scope of this book.

Toxic parents also sabotaged friendships that might have provided the child with confidence and other support. This also included relationships with close family members, coaches, or other mentors or teachers in the community.

having fearful parents who were in the relationship with the toxic parent and did not protect the child but, instead, continued to single-mindedly provide narcissistic supply for the toxic parent (resulting in the negligence of their children).

So stop making it about you, stop trying to change yourself, because nothing will work. But also take some ownership of your life and own up to the true state of your relationship and your partner.

Managing expectations and setting boundaries are necessary and key ingredients whether you stay or go from a relationship with a narcissist.

Too many people believe that a worthwhile or exciting relationship is one in which they are forever trying to prove themselves. This pattern is a relic of having that unpleasable parent or maintaining the inner narrative that you are not enough. Everyone is enough. More than enough.

This can happen when a person enters into a business relationship with a narcissist on the basis of a handshake deal (the narcissist will often say, “We don’t need a contract—I’ve got your back,” or will even use manipulation and feign hurt: “I can’t believe you think we need a contract—I thought we were friends”).

As long as a steady stream of compliments, gifts, success, and adulation is coming in, most narcissistic and entitled people are fine (though they always crave more). Social media has fast-tracked validation, so now a person can just sit in the comfort of home, edit and post photographs, and wait for the likes to come in. These days, you don’t even need to go through the headache of a conversation or a human relationship to get validation.

Letting go empowers you and also allows you to stop living in the toxic relationship space.

Tutu went on to say, “Once you have been able to forgive, the final step is to either renew or release the relationship you have with the one who has harmed you. Indeed, even if you never speak to the person again, even if you never see them again, even if they are dead, they live on in ways that affect your life profoundly.

Other people keep you sane. That is part of why it is a good idea to get married. Why? Well, you are half insane. And so is your spouse. Well, maybe not half; but plenty. Hopefully, however, it is not generally the same half. Now and then you meet couples who have the same weakness, and then they compound that failing in each other. ... It is a fortunate happenstance, generally speaking, that your idiosyncrasies are likely to be somewhat randomly distributed, and that if you unite with someone else, you are likely to find some strength where you are weak, and vice versa. When you unite the two of you to create that original 'divine being' (that is the symbolic idea), then you have a chance of producing one reasonable, sane being. That is good for you both, even better for your children, who now have a fighting chance of adapting to what constitutes generally sane behavior; and it is good for friendship and the broader world, too.

they are in possession of impoverished inner worlds, with few deep relationships. That’s not a win.

For superficial people, it is not about living a full life or having a healthy relationship; it is about the “Instagrammable” life.

If you do actually wind up having greater success than your parent, he or she may still criticize it and devalue the quality of your career, home, or objects. If your spouse is kind and loving or different than in the relationship you had with your parent, the parent may denigrate your spouse or your marriage.

The rage can be targeted at anyone, and, at times, the rage is unrelated to the child’s behavior but may be a manifestation of other issues in the parent’s day, including relationship problems, work difficulties, or just because something in the narcissistic parent’s life did not go the way he or she wanted.