Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

Marriage...it's not a word, it's a sentence.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

What a doctor I’ve got—he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.” - Rodney Dangerfield

Когато бях отвлечен като дете моите похитители изпратиха писмо на родителите ми "Платете 5000 долара или ви го връщаме

When I was born, the doctor looked over to my mom, and apologized. ‘I did everything I could, but he pulled through anyhow.’” –Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” – Rodney Dangerfield

If the odds are 50/50, I don't stand a chance!

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children’s zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn’t help me at all.

I mean, I’m not a kid anymore. I could go tomorrow. And I hope I go tomorrow. I haven’t gone today yet.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

And then there was Rodney Dangerfield telling us his mother wouldn’t breastfeed him. She only wanted to be friends.

Christ, Richie thinks, opening a fresh beer for himself. It isn’t bad enough It can be any damn monster It wants to be, and it isn’t bad enough that It can feed off our fears. It also turns out to be Rodney Dangerfield in drag.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

I told my doctor I want to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.

I was an ugly kid. My mother breast-fed me through a straw.

With my ol’ man, I got no respect. He told me to start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.

Nothing goes right. I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me two-to-one I don’t make it.

We were poor. We were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

I figured out I’m bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. There was nobody home.

In my life I’ve been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.

I tell ya one thing about me. I say “No” to drugs. When people ask me for some of my drugs, I say “No.

I tell ya, my wife is never nice. She won a trip to Las Vegas for two. She went twice.

I loaned a guy $10,000 to get plastic surgery. Now I can’t find him. I don’t know what he looks like.

The toughest club I worked was owned by a guy named Nunzio. Man, he was tough. One day he said to me, “Kid, you wanna go hunting?” I said, “Okay, I’m game.” And he shot me.

I told my psychiatrist, “Doc, I keep thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off his couch.

I feel sorry for short people. When it rains, they’re the last ones to know about it.

My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

The day my wife and I got married—that was a beauty. I gave her the ring and she gave me the finger.

Last week, I went to a discount massage parlor—it was self-service.

I tell ya one thing, my wife keeps me in line. No matter how many guys are ahead of me.

A belly button is good for only one thing: when you’re lying in bed eating celery, it’s a place to put the salt.

I’m at the age now, when I meet a woman sixty years old, she’s too young for me.

I told my doctor, “I think my wife has VD.” He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

I told my doctor, “Every day I wake up, I look in the mirror, I want to throw up. What’s wrong with me?” He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.

My doctor’s a very strange man. I said to him, “Doc, what’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?” He told me, “The taste.

I tell ya, my wife’s a lousy cook. After dinner, I don’t brush my teeth. I count them.

I was always depressed, but I could tell a joke and get a laugh. But not from my mother. She never thought my jokes were funny.

When I was a kid, I got no respect. I told my mother I’m gonna run away from home. She said, “On your mark…

I asked my wife, “Last night, were you faking it?” She said, “No, I was really sleeping.

She was a wild girl. I took her to a bar. She gave the mechanical bull her phone number.

I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel.

The other night, I had a date with a manicurist. We went to a nightclub. We started to hold hands. And while she was holding my hand, she took my other hand and put it in my drink.

I told my dentist my teeth were all getting yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My mother, she never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through.

I tell ya, I know I’m ugly. My proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth.

This is from an Indian comedian named Charlie Hill: “They say Balboa discovered the Pacific Ocean. My people were living here for hundreds and hundreds of years. We never noticed it? “One day the chief took his son to the top of a mountain. As they looked out over the hills and valleys, he spread his arms wide and said, ‘Son, someday none of this will be yours.

There were three great comedians in my formative years—Bill Cosby, Bill Murray, and Richard Pryor—and they wrecked comedy for a generation. How? By never saying anything funny. You can quote a Steve Martin joke, or a Rodney Dangerfield line, but Pryor, Cosby, and Murray? The things they said were funny only when they said them. In Cosby’s case, it didn’t even need to be sentences: “The thing of the thing puts the milk in the toast, and ha, ha, ha!” It was gibberish and America loved it. The problem was that they inspired a generation of comedians who tried coasting on personality—they were all attitude and no jokes. It was also a time when comedy stars didn’t seem to care. Bill Murray made some lousy movies; Richard Pryor and Eddie Murphy made even more; and any script that was too lame for these guys, Chevy Chase made. These were smart people—they had to know how bad these films were, but they just grabbed a paycheck and did them. Most of these comic actors started as writers—they could have written their own scripts, but they rarely bothered. Then, at the end of a decade of lazy comedy and half-baked material, The Simpsons came along. We cared about jokes, and we worked endless hours to cram as many into a show as possible. I’m not sure we can take all the credit, but TV and movies started trying harder. Jokes were back. Shows like 30 Rock and Arrested Development demanded that you pay attention. These days, comedy stars like Seth Rogen, Amy Schumer, Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, and Jonah Hill actually write the comedies they star in.

went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

Jack Roy, who would change his name to Rodney Dangerfield,

RODNEY DANGERFIELD Flaw: Obnoxious Blind Spot: Thinks he’s charming Attitude: Frustrated Agenda: To convince you he’s unappreciated, getting a raw deal, and deserves respect

To go from Obama to the crudest kind of parvenu, bragging about his wealth and IQ, with gold-plated everything, was too much. It would be like having Fred Astaire as your president and then getting Rodney Dangerfield.

f a group of guys are hanging around and one guy is doing coke, he’ll say, ‘Take a hit. You’ll feel like a new man.’ He’s right; the problem is that once you feel like a new man, that new man wants a hit so he can feel like a new man. And that goes on and on until the coke runs out, and you’re broke.