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My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
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Rodney Dangerfield (It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs)
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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Rodney Dangerfield
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What a doctor I’ve got—he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.
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Rodney Dangerfield (It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs)
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When I was born, the doctor looked over to my mom, and apologized. ‘I did everything I could, but he pulled through anyhow.’” –Rodney Dangerfield
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Fred Rutman (The Summer I Died Twenty Times: Because Lightning Does Strike the Same Spot Twice)
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I told my doctor I want to get a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.
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Rodney Dangerfield (It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs)
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I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to keep out of those places.
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Rodney Dangerfield (It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs)
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I told my doctor, “I think my wife has VD.” He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
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Rodney Dangerfield (It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs)
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I told my doctor, “Every day I wake up, I look in the mirror, I want to throw up. What’s wrong with me?” He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.
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Rodney Dangerfield (It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs)
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My doctor’s a very strange man. I said to him, “Doc, what’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?” He told me, “The taste.
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Rodney Dangerfield (It's Not Easy Bein' Me: A Lifetime of No Respect but Plenty of Sex and Drugs)
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When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could…but he pulled through.
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Rodney Dangerfield (Rodney Dangerfield 95 One-Liners to Keep You Laughing For Hours)