Robert Asprin Quotes

When things are at their blackest, I say to myself, 'Cheer up, things could be worse.' And sure enough, they get worse.

In times of crisis, it is of the utmost importance that one does not lose her head. Marie Antoinette

When old friends get together, everything else fades to insignificance."- War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall take flack from both sides."- Unofficial UN Motto

Numerical superiority is of no consequence. In battle, victory will go to the best tactician."- G. A. Custer

C'mon kid. Think a minute, even if it hurts.

Just a little off the top!"- A. Boleyn

Diplomacy is the delicate weapon of the civilized warrior."- Hun, A. T.

I am not a slow writer, I am not a fast writer . . . I am a half-fast writer.

Don't pick up hitchhikers!"- D. Adams

Now that we've got the whole story," he said solemnly, "now you can panic.

Everybody needs a career manager."- Lady Macbeth

Meanwhile, back at reality..."- G.Lucas

To Serve and Protect..."- Traditional Motto of Protection Rackets

We've got an unbeatable team."- Sauron

There's gotta be a way out of this dungeon."- G. Gygax

One of the worst ways of being aroused from sound sleep, is by the noise of a dragon and a unicorn playing tag.

Are you going to shake my hand,or am I going to rip your heart out?

Please ta meetcha, kid. I'm Aahz." "Oz?" "No Relation." "No relation to what?" I asked, but he was examining the room again.

They never let you live it down. One little mistake!"- Nero

To function efficiently, any group of people or employees must have faith in their leader."- Capt. Bligh(ret.)

Why, the man killed over two hundred demons with this sword. They say it is charmed such that whomever wields it cannot be killed by a demon.” “How did he die?” “Knifed by an exotic dancer.

Well, kid," Aahz said, sweeping me with an appraising stare, "it looks like we're stuck with each other. The setup isn't ideal, but it's what we've got. Time to bite the bullet and play with the cards we're dealt. You do know what cards are, don't you?" "Of course," I said, slightly wounded. "Good." "What's a bullet?

What does common sense have to do with it?” he exploded. “We're talking about a job interview!

I should of known he was married. I mean, nobody that young is THAT bald unless he's got a wife at home.

Run through those time measurements again," Aahz grumbled. "In seconds, minutes, hours...." "Minutes! We've got a few minutes.

Relax, Skeeve! This'll be easy, Skeeve! Trust me, Skeeve!' Boy Aahz, when you miss a call you don't do it small, do you?" "Shut up, kid!

Relax, Stranger. Things are not as they seem.

My colleagues and I feel that independents like ElfQuest are nothing but sheep in wolves' clothing."- S. Lee

Of all the various unpleasant ways to be aroused from a sound sleep, one of the worst is the noise of a dragon and a unicorn playing tag. Myth Conceptions by Robert Asprin

Earthquakes were extremely uncommon in this area. A dragon and a unicorn playing tag wasn't.

If the proper preparations have been made and the necessary precautions taken, any staged event is guaranteed success--Ethelred The Unready

Went with one (Assassin) for a while... lovely lass, but she couldn't keep her mouth shut, even in bed. Sometimes I wonder if any profession really guards its secrets as closely as they claim.

OF ALL THE various unpleasant ways to be aroused from a sound sleep, one of the worst is the noise of a dragon and a unicorn playing tag.

What does common sense have to do with it?” he exploded. “We’re talking about a job interview!

The Demon curled its lips back, revealing a double row of needle-sharp teeth. I considered changing my chosen course of action; I considered fainting.

The Dispatcher had played with his phones, calling from one to the other. Then he put them all down and announced that he had them on "hold," a curious expression since it was the first time in half an hour he hadn't been holding one.

I have also noted, over the course of our friendship, that his hearing is curiously erratic. He can hear a lizard-bird scratching itself half a mile away, but occasionally seems unable to hear the politest of requests no matter how loudly I shout them at him.

Terrific!” I said, and meant it for a change.

Deveels are some of the meanest characters you'd ever not want to tangle with. They're some of the most feared and respected characters in the dimensions." "Are they warriors? Mercenaries?" Aahz shook his head. "Worse!" he answered. "They're merchants.

we’re up to handling a Deveel, Aahz?” I was aware I had asked the question countless times in the last few days, but I still needed reassurance. “Will you relax, kid?” Aahz growled. “I was right about the Imps, wasn’t I?” “I suppose so,” I admitted hesitantly. I didn’t want to tell Aahz, but I wasn’t that happy with the Imp incident. It had been a little too close for my peace of mind. Since the meeting, I had been having recurring nightmares involving Imps and crossbows. “Look at it this way, kid. With any luck this Frumple character will be able to restore my powers.

It's always easier to destroy than to create." - ANY GENERAL, ANY ARMY, ANY AGE.

I confess, it is beyond my comprehension what the appeal is of golf. The game was clearly designed by some malignant entity, forcing its devotees to attempt impossible feats with awkward, misshapen implements. And surely the number of heart attacks and fits of apoplexy resulting from the game’s manifold frustrations amply belies the presumed benefits of its being played in the healthy out-of-doors.

Fear is contagious," the commander explained with a shrug. "If I tried to compare notes with you on the dangers of space travel, there's a chance that all I'd do is start worrying myself, and I can't afford that. You see, Gabriel, there are lots of dangers in our lives that we can't do a thing about-traffic accidents, bad food-dangers that have a low probability rating, but that if they hit will be devastating. All I can do-all anyone can do-is to do my best to put them out of my mind. It may seem like a head-in-the-sand approach to fear, but the only option I see is letting the worries eat you alive-paralyze you to a point where you cease to function. To my thinking, that means you're dead, whether you're still breathing or not. I'd rather try to focus on things I can do something about. I can't danger-proof the universe, or even guarantee my own personal safety. I have no way of telling for sure exactly how long my life is going to be, but I'm determined that while I'm alive, I'm going to be a doer, a worker-not a do-nothing worrier.

In Tasfalen’s house, what had been Roxane lay abed in Tasfalen’s body, half-conscious, rent in memory and power, a mere fragment knowing only that it wanted to survive.

Better a reputation you had to strive to live up to than one you wished you could live down.

since 9/11 every penny-ante pissant they want to mess with gets the terrorist label slapped on. But a terrorist poker game. I’ll admit, that’s a new one.

no man can flee his weird, so he may as well meet it in a way that’ll leave a good story.

but be something, anything, and have pride in it. Don’t be a scavenger, drifting from here to yon. Take a path and follow it. You’ve always had a smooth tongue—be a minstrel, or even a storyteller like Hakiem.

No, no, no!” The Old Man leaped to the sand and started to march away, then returned to loom angrily over the youth. “Said it before—not everyone can be a fisherman. You’re not—

She was almost tempted to describe it as being done with military precision, except she knew the military far to well

Say, Aahz?” “Hmm? Yeah, kid?” “What dimension do you come from?” “Perv.” “Does that make you a Pervert?” “No. That makes me a Pervect. Now shut up!

What are the stakes?" I looked at Aahz. I had been so busy trying to learn how Dragon poker was played that I had never gotten around to asking about the stakes. For some reason, my partner looked incomfortable. "Table stakes" he said. "Table stakes? " I frowned "What is that?" I halfexpected him to tell me he'd explain lter, but instead he addressed the subject with supriting euthusiasm. "In table stakes each of you starts with a certain amout of money. Then you play until one of you is out of chips or..." "I know what table stakes are." Don Bruce interuppted. "What I want to know is how much you're playing for?" Aahz hesitedted, then shugger. "A quater of a milion eatch". "A QUATER OF A MILION???" My voice had not hit that note since my voice changed. "We had not told him", my partner sighed. "I was afraid that if he knew what the stakes are he would clutch." "A quater of a milion" I repeated, a bit hoaser this time. "See?" Ahzz Grinned. "You are cluching.

Aahz hesitedted, then shugger. "A quater of a milion eatch". "A QUATER OF A MILION???" My voice had not hit that note since my voice changed. "We had not told him", my partner sighed. "I was afraid that if he knew what the stakes are he would clutch." "A quater of a milion" I repeated, a bit hoaser this time. "See?" Ahzz Grinned. "You are cluching.

Vampies" I said carefully. "Sure. It all fitts," Massha nodded. "The plae skin, the sharp fangs, the red eyeliner, the way they turn into bats." "Turned into bats?" "You missed that Boss" Guido suplloed.

I had expected a certain amount of exitment from the staff when they found out I wasn't totaly helpless. Instead, they looked unfomfortable. They exchanged glances, then looked at the sky, then at the ground. "umm.... does this mean we're going on? Guido said at last.

From the next hour he will be reading from ancient text." "How ancient, I asked, a thousend years or last weeks?" "Very ancient, the girl said solemmly, but it is a forgivable interuption under those cicumstances, and the texts will just become more ancient in waiting.

One peep out of you, and I'll use you for a U-bend under my bathroom sink, holes or no holes, savvy?

action in an absence of information is wasted effort,

a feat which is not unlike tryin’ to hold a large beach ball under water while doin’ needlepoint,

Guys getting in shape before joining an exercise class was not unlike the thing women do when they clean up before the maid comes.

It's always easier to destroy than to create.' - ANY GENERAL, ANY ARMY, ANY AGE. from Hit or Myth

The Gambolts, in fact, were especially fond of nutria. When Escrima first offered that dish on the Legion menu, Duke had sampled it and said approvingly, “It tastes much like rodent—but of unusual size.

The rationalist is convinced that every sophont is at bottom predictable, acting according to consistent (if not necessarily already well-known) rules. The mystic, for his part, believes that every creature conceals within its breast some element of the wild and unpredictable.

how good are you with sign languish?" "Quite competent within a very narrow range, sir" said Bekker. "I'm certain I can communicate hostility and frustration with no risk of misunderstanding. More complex matter might exead my abilities.

What's bureaucracy?” I asked, finally getting a word in edgewise. “Red tape . . . the system, ” Aahz informed me. “The organization to get things done that keeps things from getting done.

Organized crime?” I blinked. “It's like government, kid, ” Aahz supplied. “Only more effective.

Unaccustomed as I was to gracious dining, I realized in a flash that this wasn’t it.

As he puts it, “Waitresses and card dealers are paid minimum wage in anticipation of their income being supplemented by tips, so if one doesn’t tip them, one is, in effect, robbing them of their livelihood. Public officials, on the other hand, are expected to live within their salaries, so any effort on their part to obtain additional earnings for the simple performance of their duties is extortion at its worst and should be a jailable offense!

A foursome?” said the general. “Now you’re talking—especially if there’s some action on it.