Rebuilding A Marriage Quotes

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Having kids sent a tornado through your marriage, then made you happy for the devastation. Even if you could rebuild everything just the way it was before, you’d never want to.
Rainbow Rowell (Landline)
You aren't battling your ability to stick to a diet, execute a business plan, repair a broken marriage and rebuild your life, hit your goals, or win over a bad manager- you are battling your feelings about doing it. You are more than capable of doing the work to change anything for the better, despite how you feel. Feelings are merely suggestions, ones you can ignore. To change you must do the same, you must ignore how you feel, and just do it anyway.
Mel Robbins (The 5 Second Rule: Transform Your Life, Work, and Confidence with Everyday Courage)
Parenting” an ADHD spouse is always destructive to your relationship because it demotivates and generates frustration and anger.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
In reality, it may only take months to rebuild a city and restore normality, but rebuilding trust can take an eternity.
Mouloud Benzadi
One man told me, "On a good day, when things are going well, I am committed to my wife. On a day when things are just okay, I am committed to my marriage. And on a day when thing's aren't so great, I satisfy myself by being committed to my commitment.
Shirley P. Glass (Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity)
insecurity had nothing to do with reality. He loved me deeply. He just didn’t realize that he wasn’t paying attention because he was distracted by just about everything else.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
He learns that getting things done doesn’t get him much credit, which demotivates him.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
if the partners don’t get workload distribution issues under control, the anger and resentment that builds up can end the marriage.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
I understood the therapists were trying to rebuild Paul's vocabulary, beginning wit the rudiments, but Paul found it taxing, boring, and disturbingly condescending. His loss of language didn't mean he was any less a grown-up with adult feelings, experiences, worries, and problems. [p. 144]
Diane Ackerman (One Hundred Names for Love: A Stroke, a Marriage, and the Language of Healing)
Therefore, no matter how hard you may have worked to save the marriage, if your partner was unwilling to end an affair in which there was a deep emotional involvement, you were fighting an uphill battle.
Shirley P. Glass (Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity)
You make out with a boy because he’s cute, but he has no substance, no words to offer you. His mouth tastes like stale beer and false promises. When he touches your chin, you offer your mouth up like a flower to to be plucked, all covered in red lipstick to attract his eye. When he reaches his hand down your shirt, he stops, hand on boob, and squeezes, like you’re a fruit he’s trying to juice. He doesn’t touch anything but skin, does not feel what’s within. In the morning, he texts you only to say, “I think I left the rest of my beer at your place, but it’s cool, you can drink it. Last night was fun.” You kiss a girl because she’s new. Because she’s different and you’re twenty two, trying something else out because it’s all failed before. After spending six weekends together, you call her, only to be answered by a harsh beep informing you that her number has been disconnected. You learn that success doesn’t come through experimenting with your sexuality, and you’re left with a mouth full of ruin and more evidence that you are out of tune. You fall for a boy who is so nice, you don’t think he can do any harm. When he mentions marriage and murder in the same sentence, you say, “Okay, okay, okay.” When you make a joke he does not laugh, but tilts his head and asks you how many drinks you’ve had in such a loving tone that you sober up immediately. He leaves bullet in your blood and disappears, saying, “Who wants a girl that’s filled with holes?” You find out that a med student does. He spots you reading in a bar and compliments you on the dust spilling from your mouth. When you see his black doctor’s bag posed loyally at his side, you ask him if he’s got the tools to fix a mangled nervous system. He smiles at you, all teeth, and tells you to come with him. In the back of his car, he covers you in teethmarks and says, “There, now don’t you feel whole again.” But all the incisions do is let more cold air into your bones. You wonder how many times you will collapse into ruins before you give up on rebuilding. You wonder if maybe you’d have more luck living amongst your rubble instead of looking for someone to repair it. The next time someone promises to flood you with light to erase your dark, you insist them you’re fine the way you are. They tell you there’s hope, that they had holes in their chest too, that they know how to patch them up. When they offer you a bottle in exchange for your mouth, you tell them you’re not looking for a way out. No, thank you, you tell them. Even though you are filled with ruins and rubble, you are as much your light as you are your dark.
Lora Mathis
Recognize, however, that some people with ADHD compensated for their ADHD in childhood but fall apart after they have too much on their plate as adults. Typically, this happens with the introduction of children into your lives. Raising kids takes an inordinate amount of organizational skill, which is not generally an ADHD strong point.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Shame often triggers anger and defensiveness, which can shut down what ought to be a straightforward conversation before it has even begun. Anger, stonewalling, and defensiveness can seem unreasonable to a non-ADHD spouse who, not having experienced this same type of repeated bashing of the ego, doesn’t understand it or interpret it correctly.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
You can’t solve someone’s grief. Just acknowledge and empathize; don’t dismiss. Over time, grief that is acknowledged and validated will heal.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
In short, I feel many times like the mom of three children instead of two. I have to keep his schedule as well as my own and the kids.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Anger is to marriage what termites and rot are to trying to rebuild a home.
Gary Smalley (Winning Your Husband Back Before It's Too Late: Whether He's Left Physically or Emotionally All That Matters Is...)
Our sex does not merely determine the form of our sex organs but is an integral part of our entire being.
Andreas J. Köstenberger (God, Marriage, and Family: Rebuilding the Biblical Foundation)
When you repair your relationship with Allah, He strengthens your relationships with people.
Yahya Kasozi (How to Rebuild Trust in a Relationship: A Qur’an, Hadith, and Psychology-Based Guide to Healing Hearts)
The best apology is a changed behavior.
Yahya Kasozi (How to Rebuild Trust in a Relationship: A Qur’an, Hadith, and Psychology-Based Guide to Healing Hearts)
Trust is rebuilt through a thousand small acts of honesty, not one big apology.
Yahya Kasozi (How to Rebuild Trust in a Relationship: A Qur’an, Hadith, and Psychology-Based Guide to Healing Hearts)
The connective tissue of love and like is gone, and rebuilding on sand is a fool’s errand. To save a marriage you have to want to.
Jen Hatmaker (Awake: A Memoir)
feel like I have begged, pleaded, cried, yelled to get his attention but it never works…or never works for long. If I get mad, I’m the bad guy because I’m not supportive. If I get sad it makes
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Medication is the most efficient way to jump-start treatment, but it does not effectively treat ADHD in marriages without the addition of behavioral changes. These changes must be voluntary. No matter how much a non-ADHD spouse may want to, she can’t “make” her spouse do certain things like be more organized or more attentive. Furthermore, these changes must come from both partners.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
The shame that people with ADHD, male or female, carry around with them after years and years of being told that they are inadequate is a critical factor when a marriage starts to fall apart, or when they are approached by a well-meaning spouse about asking for an evaluation for ADHD. Shame often triggers anger and defensiveness, which can shut down what ought to be a straightforward conversation before it has even begun. Anger, stonewalling, and defensiveness can seem unreasonable to a non-ADHD spouse who, not having experienced this same type of repeated bashing of the ego, doesn’t understand it or interpret it correctly.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Perhaps worst of all, you feel intense stress from not knowing whether you can rely on him and feeling saddled with almost all of the responsibilities of the household, while your spouse gets to “have all the fun.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Most often, a non-ADHD spouse can make this transition easily, but the ADHD spouse ends up lost; and because the non-ADHD spouse assumes that an adult should be able to make the transition, this inability to adjust is frustrating.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
It was the kind of upheaval, smack in the middle of adulthood, which was messy enough to make me consider, back then, the wisdom of early marriage. When we’re young, after all, our lives are so much more pliant, can be joined without too much fuss. When we grow on our own, we take on responsibility, report to bosses, become bosses; we get our own bank accounts, acquire our own debts, sign our own leases. The infrastructure of our adulthood takes shape, connects to other lives; it firms up and gets less bendable. The prospect of breaking it all apart and rebuilding it elsewhere becomes a far more daunting project than it might have been had we just married someone at twenty-two, and done all that construction together. The
Rebecca Traister (All the Single Ladies: Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation)
If you are being parented, it means that ADHD symptoms are getting in the way of your relationship, whether you are aware of it or not. To get out of parent–child dynamics, consider these suggestions: Talk with your doctor about improving treatment
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
You often hear it said that people have bad marriages, but in fact, this is not true. Marriage is a God instituted covenant between a man and a woman, and it is good. That has never changed. "The institution hasn’t failed – people are failing to work out their problems. Couples are simply giving up and walking away, or simply have no idea what they can try next. The good news is that even “soured” relationships can be healed. Things can change. People can change. Marriages can be better than they ever were before.
Karen M. Gray (Save Your Marriage: A Guide to Restoring & Rebuilding Christian Marriages on the Precipice of Divorce)
It is EXTREMELY STRESSFUL to feel like there is no companionship because I can’t rely on my husband to do what he said he would do. It is sooo lonely to feel like my husband is constantly in his own “happy place” while I am saddled with all of the responsibility…I,
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Starting a family doesn’t mean we leave the fight. It means we dare to rebuild our nation, even on a battlefield. I believe that in a world so often restless and cynical, saying yes to romance, to love, to the everyday tasks of marriage and family is its own quiet revolution. Defying the forces of evil, one man and one woman making a little home where vulnerability, tenderness, and laughter can thrive is a subversive act. It also means creating a family is the supreme act of defiance—a celebration of life in the midst of war.
Lila Grace Rose (Fighting for Life: Becoming a Force for Change in a Wounded World)
days of “talks” about his “problem”? People with ADHD are all too aware that others think they are “broken,” and the resulting low self-esteem and resentment sometimes color their ability to enter into a relationship in the first place. Take this professionally successful woman with ADHD:
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Now and Not Now The joke is that there are really only two time zones for a person with ADHD: “now” and “not now”! A person with ADHD is very present focused. Often, something that was going on ten minutes earlier is out of mind, as is the thing that is supposed to happen ten minutes in the future.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
How both of you think about ADHD is actually very important. Having a “disorder” can suggest an illness that is perceived as “bad” and permanent. Thinking of ADHD as a series of traits that can be both positive and negative, and that can be managed with the right strategies, is far more likely to encourage optimism, effort, and patience. It is the trap of the non-ADHD spouse to feel that he or she is “normal” and the ADHD spouse is “not normal.” This usually unspoken sense of superiority, or assumption that the non-ADHD partner’s way of doing things is more “reasonable” than the ADHD partner’s approach, dooms many relationships. Consider the words of this fiancée:
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
People with ADHD can put coping strategies in place that help them to plan more effectively, but both members of the couple need to be conscious that this requires significant effort and lots of organizational tools such as lists, charts, conversations, and the like. Don’t assume that just because you are both adults, you can also both plan well.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
You should allow yourself to experience this sadness, because grieving for what you have not had in your marriage up to this point is one of the first steps toward building a new life together. But know that there are many reasons to be hopeful as well. As you learn about the patterns in ADHD relationships, you will also learn what to do about them.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
I hear so many excuses that I’ve pretty much become numb to his endless tales of woes. Communication is a major problem in our marriage. He doesn’t listen very well and it’s frustrating when I learn that he didn’t pay attention to key points, especially in matters pertaining to the finances. It’s like he zones in and out to keep up with the conversation
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Even though it may look like the wicked is gaining ground, God is still in control. We need to pray for our nations, pray for others, pray for forgiveness and mercy over people. We need to love no matter who we are talking to, whether they are Atheist, Moslems, Lesbians, Homosexuals or Pagans. We need to love them and share the love of God with them and not judge and see if we can rebuild our broken nations.
Patience Johnson (Why Does an Orderly God Allow Disorder)
If you are married to a person who has (or might have) ADHD, you might feel ignored and lonely in your relationship. Your spouse never seems to follow up on what he agrees to do—so much so that you may feel as if you really have another child in your home instead of an adult. You feel you’re forced to remind him all the time to do things. You nag, and you’ve started to dislike the person you’ve become. The two of you either fight often or have virtually nothing to say to each other that either of you finds meaningful. You are frustrated that your spouse seems to be able to focus intently on things that interest him, but never on you. Perhaps worst of all, you feel intense stress from not knowing whether you can rely on him and feeling saddled with almost all of the responsibilities of the household, while your spouse gets to “have all the fun.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
But I want to get closer to an explanation. My desire to be married forcibly unites two seemingly contradictory things that shape my relationship with you.  Marriage guarantees the highest liberation and independence.  I would have a family, which I believe is the best a man can achieve – it is the best that you have achieved – and I would be your equal, my shame and your tyranny would be at an end.  It would be just like a fairy story; so hard to believe.  It is too much; so it can’t happen.  It is as if a prisoner wanted not only to escape from his prison (which perhaps could be done) but also to convert his prison into a holiday camp for himself.  If he runs away he can’t re-build it, and if he re-builds it he can’t run away.  And I stand in an especially unfortunate relationship with you, for to be independent I must be nothing like you, yet marriage is the best form of independence, but if I were married I would be closer to you.  To try and solve this is madness, and whenever I try I become a little more mad. It
Franz Kafka (Letter to My Father)
When my liberal colleagues in higher education say, “You guys shouldn't be worried so much about these social issues, about abortion and marriage; you should be worrying about poverty,” I say, “If you were genuinely worried about poverty, you would be joining us in rebuilding the marriage culture.” Do you want to know why people are trapped in poverty in so many inner cities? The picture is complex, but undeniably a key element of it is the destruction of the family and the prevalence of out-of-wedlock pregnancies and fatherlessness.
Robert P. George (Conscience and Its Enemies: Confronting the Dogmas of Liberal Secularism)
How to rebuild trust Trust is a tricky thing. It is the foundation of every healthy relationship. It is the security that makes intimacy possible. It can be simultaneously strong and yet very fragile. It takes great effort and time to build, but it can be broken quickly. Almost every relationship has encountered difficulties over broken trust. I would even argue that most difficulties in relationships stem directly from a breach of trust. Strong relationships (especially marriages) require strong trust, so here are a few ways to to build it (or rebuild it).
Dave Willis
consider trying to forgive him yet again. He did his part, so I returned to our home in Virginia that summer of 2010. I wasn’t hopeful, but I didn’t have the strength to end our marriage—or to save it. We attended counseling together for a while, but the conversations reached dead ends. Nonetheless, Robert attempted to rebuild our connection. He wasn’t staying out all night. He helped with the kids and seemed committed to fixing the broken bond between us. Before we knew it, training camp was starting again and he would once again be competing for a spot on the roster. The coaching staff had experienced some changes,
Sarah Jakes (Lost and Found: Finding Hope in the Detours of Life)
After God, who is the central core pillar to any Christian marriage, there are four important marital relationship foundations. These are: * Self-Esteem - if you don't love yourself you will find it almost impossible to accept love from others. * Friendship - a strong friendship will sustain your marriage even when feelings of love are harder to find. * Laughter - it will improve your quality of life, your health and your relationships * Romance - feeling close to your partner can be the glue which holds your relationship together through the rough patches, but the absence of romance causes a void that problems will easily fill.
Karen M. Gray (Save Your Marriage: A Guide to Restoring & Rebuilding Christian Marriages on the Precipice of Divorce)
Canadian researcher Donald Dutton . . has written that marital work with a man who has a history of relationship violence may be a “conflict-generator” and that individual work . . should come first for both husband and wife. … Marital therapy does not provide the battered woman the kind of safety she needs for rebuilding her strength and finding her identity. The consequences may be severe if she is truthful in a couple’s session. She may be too afraid. Moreover, many upscale batterers can be charming and persuasive and may convey a far different image of themselves to the therapist than the one that reflects the woman’s reality at home.
Susan Weitzman (Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse In Upscale Marriages)
Painful Misinterpretations of ADHD Symptoms and Motives Good communication isn’t just a matter of saying the right words or starting your assumptions in the same places. Correct interpretation is critical, and in this realm couples dealing with ADHD may fail miserably for two basic reasons: An ADHD symptom is lurking that they don’t realize is influencing their interaction (and subsequent interpretation of the interaction). They “live in the world” so differently that they incorrectly assume they understand the motives that are influencing frustrating behaviors. One of the most common misinterpretations is feeling as if an ADHD spouse doesn’t love his partner anymore because he isn’t paying attention to her.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
If you had asked Dan during that period whether he still loved his wife, he would have looked at you in total confusion and said, “Of course!” Although his wife was at that very moment wallowing in despair over his treatment of her, he perceived things to be fine between them. This isn’t because he is dense; it’s just that after a lifetime of having people mad at or disappointed with him, Dan weathers periods of anger and criticism by mostly ignoring them. And, because people with ADHD don’t receive and process information in a hierarchical way, Maria’s suffering enters his mind at about the same level as everything else he perceives—the lights on the radio clock, the dog barking, the computer, the worrisome project he has at work. “But wait!” you say. “It doesn’t matter—she’s still alone!” You would be right. Regardless of whether Dan was intentionally ignoring his wife or just distracted, actions speak louder than words. She becomes lonely and unhappy, and her needs must be addressed. But recognizing and then identifying the correct underlying problem is critical to finding the right solution. In marriage, just like in middle school math, if you pick the wrong problem to solve, you generally don’t end up with a satisfactory result. Furthermore, the hurt caused by the incorrect interpretation that he no longer loves her elicits a series of bad feelings and behaviors that compound the problem. This is the critical dynamic of symptom–response–response at work.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
To this woman, a “comfortable” life is one that includes a predictable routine and quiet, intimate, shared time with her husband. I suspect that this is at least in part because routine makes taking care of three boys much easier. Her husband’s energy level is disruptive and foreign. Yet this is inherently part of him; the energy, humor, and wit that have gotten him out of tough spots in the past are the key to his professional success and are likely a reason why his wife was initially attracted to him (before she needed the routine to help make her and the children’s lives easier). Neither spousal style is wrong in this situation; her routine helps her succeed as a mother, and his energy helps him succeed at work. It is the intersection of their styles at this particular time in their lives that creates the problems.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
I am not suggesting here that a non-ADHD spouse should simply roll over and say, “She’s ignoring me because she’s eccentric [or because she has ADHD]. Oh well!” In fact, having an ADHD spouse take charge of creating a systematic approach to treatment is one of the most important elements of improving your marriage. The “symptom” is, after all, at the beginning of the symptom-response-response sequence, and not much changes until the symptoms are under control—and that task can be accomplished only by the ADHD spouse. But ADHD in relationships is like a dance. One partner leads and initiates the steps, but both must understand their role to successfully circle the floor. In an ADHD partnership, an ADHD partner can address her symptoms, but the couple will be unsuccessful if the non-ADHD partner’s response doesn’t change, too. The inverse, of course, is also true.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Though not true in all cases, people with ADHD often have trouble planning ahead. Planning means organizing a number of different options into a workable game plan and anticipating what will happen in various scenarios. Executive function differences in the ADHD brain often don’t accommodate these common skills. One upside of not being natural planners is that people with ADHD can be really good at going with the flow, making things work in real time. It’s not unusual for a person with ADHD to be attracted to a partner who is a good planner. In courtship, her ability to organize and plan helps to make things happen, and his easygoing nature provides liveliness and spontaneity. They both benefit and thrive. After kids, though, the ADHD partner’s inability to plan becomes a real negative as the organizational demands imposed by taking care of children require that both pitch in to keep life from becoming overwhelming.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Key to the success of many with ADHD is finding the “right life” in which to live. This means a job in which their particular talents for nonlinear thinking and quick emergency response are prized, and a spouse who can appreciate, or at least learn to live with, an often uneven distribution of work within the relationship. Without these things, many with ADHD feel that they don’t really fit into the world, or that the face that they put forward in order to fit in is false. The other critical factor for the success of an ADHD spouse in a relationship is for both partners to continue to respect differences and act on that respect. Here’s what one woman with ADHD says about living a life in which others assume that “different” is not worthy of respect: I think [my husband] uses the ADD as an excuse to be bossy and stuff sometimes but I find it very upsetting and hard on my self esteem to have my disorder and learning disabilities used that way. We do have very different perspectives but reality is perspective. Just because I see things differently from someone else doesn’t make one wrong or right…how I experience life is colored by my perception, it is what it is. I hate how people try to invalidate my thoughts feelings and perceptions because they are different from theirs. Like telling me [since] they feel…different[ly] from me [that their feelings] should make me magically change! It doesn’t work that way. Even if my ADD makes me see or remember something “not right” it’s still MY reality. It is like those movies where the hero has something crazy going on where they experience reality differently from everyone else.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
I couldn’t feel guilty any longer for misdeeds committed by another incarnation. I wouldn’t. “I’m sorry for your past, Aric. I wish it had been different. I wish I had been. But I refuse to keep paying for what I did in past games.”“Do you, then?” “In our first meeting, you skewered me with your sword. In other words: you started it. You didn’t ask me to marry you, just ordered it. I played the hand I was dealt.” “I take your point.” “Let’s begin anew, Empress.” (He expects her to ‘forgive/forget’ for him but not Jack?) “The mortal can’t provide for you like I can. I offer you a home. Defensive, I said, “Jack plans to rebuild Haven House for me.” Anger flashed across Aric’s face. He schooled his reactions as quickly as he did everything else, leaving his emotions to seethe beneath the surface. “If you desire something, all you have to do is tell me. It will shortly be yours. You’ll see soon enough.” (Bribery for her to favor him?) What if Aric could straight-up end the game? Blow up the machine? “Deveaux will never understand you as I do. As only another Arcana can.” “Maybe not. But we have other ties.” I thought of the ribbon he’d kept all this time, the one now in my pocket. “As do we. We are wed.” (after Aric ordered her to do so.) “I think of you as mine. “When I recognized that you weren’t over your infatuation with the mortal, I might have been . . . testing you.” He’d tested me the other night as well! “What if I’d surrendered?” “Testing me doesn’t excuse what you did. Coercion is not cool.” “Then teach me what is! “I don’t think something like that can be taught. It’s part of your makeup, part of who you are.” “Aric, selfless acts might be beyond you. And even sex with you would come with strings. What if I hadn’t realized you were minus one condom?” The memory stoked my fury. “You were about to trick me—to betray me.” “You had my entire future mapped out—with me knocked up—and you never mentioned it to me.” (keeping secrets). “It’s been this way between husbands and wives for thousands of years. At the time, I thought if we were so blessed, then all the better.” Because his concepts about marriages and families were from a different epoch.
Kresley Cole (Dead of Winter (The Arcana Chronicles, #3))
If you want to move beyond the crossroads, then we first have to embrace the values of this country. If you want to build faith,, then we first have to rebuild marriages and families.
Phil Mitchell (A Bright New Morning: An American Story)
Perhaps the most powerful way in which daily prayer for your marriage not only has the power to transform your marriage, but to transform you as well, is this: prayer reminds you that you are never alone. Prayer reminds you that you are never left to your own righteousness, wisdom, and strength. Prayer reminds you that each location or situation where your marriage exists is not only inhabited by God but, even more encouragingly, that each is ruled by him. The one who controls the situations in which your marriage lives is not only a God of awesome power but is the definition of everything wise, true, faithful, gracious, loving, forgiving, good, and kind. But there is even more that the Lord’s Prayer confronts you with. It is that this God who is powerful and near is your Father by grace. If you are God’s child, there is never a moment when you are outside the circle of his fathering care. Like a father, he loves you and is committed to faithfully providing what is best for you. When you are facing those disappointing moments of marital struggle, when you’re not sure what to think, let alone what to do, prayer can rescue you from hopelessness and alienation. Prayer encourages you to say, “I am not sure how we got here, and I am not sure what we are being called to do, but there is one thing I am sure of—I am never, ever alone because I have a Father in heaven who is always with me.” Acknowledging God will protect you from yourself. It will protect you from discouragement and fear and the passivity that always follows. It will protect you from the pride of self-reliance and self-sovereignty. If you are ever to have a marriage of unity, understanding, and love, you must begin with this humble admission: you have no ability whatsoever to produce the most important things that make a wonderful marriage. The changes of thought, desire, word, and action that re-create, rebuild, mature, and protect your marriage are always gifts of God’s grace. As you choose to do things God’s way, he progressively rescues you from your own self-interest and forms you into a person who really does find joy in loving another. It is only a God of love who will ever be able to change a fundamentally self-oriented, impatient, demanding human being into a person who not only desires to love but actually does it. There is a word for this in the Bible—grace. Prayer reminds you that you have been graced with a Father’s love and that love will not let you go until it has changed you in every way that is needed.
Paul David Tripp (What Did You Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage)
The worst thing I can tell you is to be a man. Be a man means man up, act tough, take it like a man, have no emotions, make sure to lead, dominant, never submit, be strong, suck it up and don't you dare cry because it's a sign of weakness. When in truth, it takes courage to cry; faking a smile is easy. I tell my man to cry, and I will cry with him; laugh, and I will laugh with him; yell, and I will yell on top of the roof with him, we will rebuild even if we lose everything. He knows not to "be a man" around me other than himself.
Marion Bekoe
ADHD as a Reward-Deficiency Syndrome Dr. John Ratey, a leading expert in both ADHD and the brain, suggests that ADHD can be thought of as a reward-deficiency syndrome created from a deficit of specific pleasure neurotransmitters (most importantly dopamine, but also serotonin and endorphins) that are used to indicate reward in the attention centers of the brain. He notes that without these chemical indicators of reward, people with ADHD have trouble completing tasks that reward only after a long period, such as doing well in college to obtain a better job.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Impulse Control Living with ADHD is somewhat like having a race-car brain that lacks good brakes. Impulse control is a huge issue; people with ADHD often have minds that go fast and have trouble stopping when they need to. Have you ever noticed how hard it is for the ADHD spouse to stop doing a project she likes (watching television or working on the computer, for example)? Or that she’ll blurt out an idea or thought before thinking it through? Ask a person with ADHD why he brings home a pound of chocolate but only half of what was on the grocery list, or why he just spent $100 on gifts when he knew you needed the money to pay the electric bill, and he might say, “I don’t know.” This would be an accurate description of the impulsivity of the moment. But now, in fact, you do know. People with untreated ADHD have really bad brakes.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
It is difficult for someone who doesn’t have ADHD to understand this lack of impulse control. People without ADHD expect that adults have learned how to control their impulses in their own and others’ best interests, yet are faced over and over again with the fact that this is not the case for their spouses. ADHD partners can blurt out hurtful comments, ruin family finances, start affairs on a whim, or give in to road rage because their untreated brains don’t have brakes. All of it is emotionally painful for the non-ADHD spouse, and often for the ADHD spouse as well.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
This “present-ness” shows up in a number of ways in marriage. Your ADHD wife, for example, may have trouble remembering what you talked about not too long ago.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Being aware of now and not now (or time tunnel vision, if you prefer that) can work in your favor. For example, you’re aware that staying focused on boring tasks can be hard for those with ADHD. While this has to do with distractibility and reward-deficiency issues, the solution can be found in the now and not now mentality. If you can create an emotionally neutral yet effective system of reminders that brings a forgotten task back into the now at the right time, you have a much better chance of getting it done.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
My husband is in another camp. He could be called a “time optimist.” While he’s fairly consistent with how quickly he gets things done, he always thinks he can do it faster than he can because he loses track of time passing. Nor does he remember his past experiences with similar projects. But I do, and after twenty years of waiting for him, I simply add 30 percent to his estimate, lessening our conflicts over time.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
While the tendency is to blame ADHD for all of your problems, this is not actually the case. ADHD symptoms create unexpected, and often insidious, stresses on a marriage, as well as many misunderstandings. The destruction comes from a full pattern, though—one that includes the symptoms, the response to these symptoms, and then the response to that response.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Always consider the symptom and the response. It’s tempting to focus only on the ADHD issue when you confront a problem, but considering both the symptom and the response provides a more realistic picture of the situation and helps keep the ADHD partner from feeling as if she is being blamed. Don’t let the presence of negative responses turn into an excuse not to manage ADHD symptoms. A classic example is the ADHD spouse who convinces himself that his wife’s anger is the real cause of their problems. Yes, the anger is a factor that needs to be addressed, but it’s also a response to specific ADHD symptoms. Learn which responses produce positive outcomes. Anger, nagging, and withdrawal are responses that don’t move you forward. Look for different ways to get your ideas across. Responses are important, and choosing how to express yourself in constructive ways is the best and fastest way a non-ADHD partner can contribute to breaking out of symptom-response-response deadlocks.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Other Perspectives on Time One of the major differences between how people with and without ADHD lead their lives has to do with how they experience time. This is more than just a symptom or two. People with ADHD are notoriously late because they can lose track of time, and they are often terrible judges of how long it will take them to complete a task. The people I know with ADHD simply relate to time differently than I do. I can use my past experiences to predict quite closely how long it will take me to do something familiar. This is often not the case for people with ADHD. Their relationship with time is much more fluid: fast and slow, like a roller coaster.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Excessive Shame It is unfortunate that one of the recurring experiences for individuals with ADHD is personal criticism or comments about how they just did something stupid. Often, the people making these comments are important authority figures—parents, teachers, peers, bosses, and, yes, spouses. Unfinished projects (distraction), poor decision making (impulsivity or too much information to process), memory problems, and more mean that people with ADHD often fail to do things as quickly as or in the same way that those without ADHD do them.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
His distractibility meant that it was just as likely he would become interested in his dog, his computer, his car, or the soccer game as he would his wife. Things fell apart when she ascribed the negative emotion of dislike to the neutral act of distraction. “He doesn’t love me anymore” was her fear, and every act of distraction served to reinforce this message in her mind.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Assume you don’t know your spouse’s motives. If something makes you feel bad, ask questions so you can better understand the underlying motives. Err on the side of too many questions so that you can reach an understanding. Keep the questions neutral. “Why did you take the dog for a walk right then?” or “Was the dog crossing her legs?!” are better approaches than “Is taking the dog out more important than finishing that chore I needed you to do?” or “I can’t believe you ignored my request and played with the dog, instead!” Remember, tone of voice really matters.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Put measurements in place to differentiate between actions and words. If you are feeling ignored, for example, make a plan together that can clarify the dimensions of your problem—perhaps keeping track of the amount of time you spend together for a week. Consider weekly “learning conversations” (explained in detail in Step 4) to address issues that simply won’t go away. Make it a point to discuss your motives and differences in approach that might be getting in the way of finding common ground. Learn to laugh when you miscommunicate, rather than see it as a sign that you’ll never figure it out. Laughter reduces tension and helps keep you both in a positive mindset.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
It is important that the ADHD spouse consider impulsiveness a symptom that needs treatment, not just part of a happy-go-lucky personality.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Another explanation is that people with ADHD often have bad short-term memories, so they might not remember having had the argument earlier. Creating physical ways to remember, such as lists or taking notes, can help bring previous conversations back into the “now” when needed.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
When I hear or read a string of related ideas, my brain immediately “filters” them into a hierarchy. What’s most amazing is that I don’t even know this is happening! I just “understand” that something deserves more focus than something else. The ADHD brain receives information quite differently. Instead of being hierarchical, I like to think of it as “flat.” Everything, important or not, initially receives about the same amount of attention. Noises, ideas, movements, even sometimes your own body parts, compete for attention at the same time in the ADHD brain. I have heard people with ADHD describe their brain as “noisy” (these are usually people who have tried medications and discovered that “noisy” is not the only way that brains can be). My daughter thinks of it as “open to lots of things,” which is a wonderfully positive way to think about it.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Jack nodded, his mind drifting back to a night in Coventry when he and his wife had been caught in an air raid. He closed his eyes briefly as he thought about her, his throat catching as he recalled the letter she had sent him a week earlier. It had been the first he had received from his wife since arriving in France and he knew that it would be the last. In it she had confirmed all of the wild fantasies that had plagued him for countless nights. In it was the end of the hope he had clung to for so long. The letter had barely been a paragraph long, yet it had destroyed the world that Jack had once known. She had told him that there was another man, an American who was stationed on an airbase near their home. He was, she had told him, an officer. They had been together for two years and she planned to marry him. She had asked for a divorce and had informed him briskly that she intended, when the war was over, to take the children and return with her lover to New York. The letter had been blunt and to the point, there had been no warmth, no consideration in the words, just a cold animosity that Jack could not understand. The wording had suggested that it was his fault that their marriage had fallen apart, that somehow, in some imperceptible way, he had forced her into the arms of another. He felt his blood rising and he forced himself to breathe, his hands white against the stock of his Sten gun as he mulled over the contents of the letter. He had, deep inside, harboured a hope, a small dream that when the war finished they could rebuild their strained marriage. The letter had shattered that illusion and left in its wake a cold reality that had struck Jack like a thunderbolt. He spat onto the ground and wished that he could get five minutes alone with the bastard. All those years of writing to her, of missing her. All those years of struggling in the desert, longing to come home, of pouring his heart into the precious letters he had sent to her. All that time she had been with another man.
Stuart Minor (The Killing Ground (The Second World War Series, #11))
When a friend knows more about your marriage than a spouse knows about your friendship, you have already reversed the healthy position of walls and windows.
Shirley P. Glass (Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity)
Rebuilding Your Life: Accepting the Reality of Divorce Divorce is undeniably one of life's most challenging and emotionally charged experiences. The decision to end a marriage can be accompanied by a rollercoaster of emotions, such as sadness, anger, and uncertainty about the future. During this difficult time, it is important to seek support and guidance from professionals, such as divorce lawyers in St George, Utah, and family law attorneys who can offer the expertise and guidance needed to navigate the complexities of divorce. Acceptance: The First Step Towards Rebuilding When a marriage is no longer working, acceptance becomes the crucial first step towards moving forward and rebuilding your life. It is essential to recognize that divorce is not a failure, but rather a decision made in the best interest of both parties involved. Divorce lawyers in St George, Utah, and family law attorneys in St George, Utah, can provide the legal support and guidance necessary to ensure a fair and amicable settlement, assisting in the overall acceptance process. Embracing the Grieving Process Divorce can be likened to a grieving process, as you mourn the loss of a relationship and the dreams that accompanied it. It is crucial to understand that it is natural to experience a wide range of emotions during this period, and it is essential to allow yourself the space and time to grieve. Seeking the assistance of a supportive network, including family, friends, and a qualified family law attorney in St George, Utah, can be beneficial during this challenging time. Navigating the Legal Maze Divorce involves various legal procedures, including property division, child custody arrangements, and spousal support. These complexities can be overwhelming and confusing for those going through a divorce. Consulting with a knowledgeable family law attorney in St George, Utah, is crucial to ensure that your rights are protected and that you receive a fair settlement. By working closely with divorce lawyers in St George, Utah, you can navigate the legal maze with confidence, knowing that you have a qualified advocate fighting on your behalf. Prioritizing Your Well-being Throughout the divorce process, it is essential to prioritize your emotional, mental, and physical well-being. Self-care activities, such as seeking therapy, joining support groups, and engaging in healthy lifestyle choices, can be immensely beneficial during this challenging time. By taking care of yourself, you can remain strong, focused, and resilient as you navigate the path towards rebuilding your life. Creating a New Vision for the Future Divorce marks the end of a chapter, but it can also be the beginning of a new, fulfilling life. As you begin the process of rebuilding, it is important to create a new vision for your future. Set personal goals, discover new passions, and surround yourself with positive influences. Remember, with the support of divorce lawyers in St George, Utah, and family law attorneys, you have the opportunity to start afresh and build the life you deserve. Conclusion: Rebuilding your life after divorce is undoubtedly a challenging journey, but it is also an opportunity to rediscover yourself and create a brighter future. By accepting the reality of divorce, seeking professional legal guidance from family law attorneys in St George, Utah, and embracing the support of your loved ones, you can navigate through this transition with resilience and strength. Remember, you are not alone, and with each step, you move closer towards a life filled with happiness, fulfillment, and new beginnings.
James Adams
the dead demand nothing more from us than to rebuild our lives and find happiness again.
Laura Elliot (The Marriage Retreat)
One of the most common misinterpretations is feeling as if an ADHD spouse doesn’t love his partner anymore because he isn’t paying attention to her.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
did you ever consider that lsd and color tv arrived for our consumption about the same time? here comes all this explorative color pounding, and what do we do? we outlaw one and fuck up the other. t.v., of course, is useless in present hands; there’s not much of a hell of an argument here. and I read where in a recent raid it was alleged that an agent caught a container of acid in the face, hurled by alleged manufacturer of a hallucinogenic drug. this is also a kind of a waste. there are some basic grounds for outlawing lsd, dmt, stp – it can take a man permanently out of his mind – but so can picking beets, or turning bolts for GM, or washing dishes or teaching English I at one of the local universities. if we outlawed everything that drove men mad, the whole social structure would drop out – marriage, the war, bus service, slaughterhouses, beekeeping, surgery, anything you can name. anything can drive men mad because society is built on false stilts. until we knock the whole bottom out and rebuild, the madhouses will remain overlooked.
Charles Bukowski (Tales of Ordinary Madness)
One of the defining symptoms of ADHD is distraction.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
because people with ADHD don’t receive and process information in a hierarchical way, Maria’s suffering enters his mind at about the same level as everything else he perceives—the lights on the radio clock, the dog barking, the computer, the worrisome project he has at work.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Consider weekly “learning conversations” (explained in detail in Step 4) to address issues that simply won’t go away. Make it a point to discuss your motives and differences in approach that might be getting in the way of finding common ground.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Learn which responses produce positive outcomes. Anger, nagging, and withdrawal are responses that don’t move you forward. Look for different ways to get your ideas across. Responses are important, and choosing how to express yourself in constructive ways is the best and fastest way
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Sometimes he does get things done. But his wife learns to be wary because he is so inconsistent. What she will remember is not his accomplishments, but his failures—
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Adults don’t have the same growth momentum that children do to help enable and amplify progress. In adults, change comes from hard work, not getting a year older. This means that an ADHD spouse seems more prone to get “stuck” than a child does, and do things over and over again, which is just the opposite of what you would expect:
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
If you are married to a person who has (or might have) ADHD, you might feel ignored and lonely in your relationship. Your spouse never seems to follow up on what he agrees to do—so much so that you may feel as if you really have another child in your home instead of an adult. You feel you’re forced to remind him all the time to do things. You nag,
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
transformed into a control freak, trying to manage every single detail of your life together. No matter how hard you try, you can never do well enough for your spouse,
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
You may feel desperately unhappy and lonely, and your partner isn’t even aware of it—even if you’ve tried to talk about it. You fight and nag much more than you expected, and life often seems depressingly up and down and out of control.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
a great deal of damage is caused by lack of knowledge about, and misinterpretation of, ADHD symptoms. Couples who learn about the specific patterns that emerge in these relationships can learn how to avoid them.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
who had started out so attentive could now ignore me and my needs so completely, or be so “consistently inconsistent
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Dr. John Ratey, an expert on how the brain functions, suggests that ADHD is the result of dysregulation of the reward system (primarily dopamine) in the brain. In short, the brain of a person with ADHD does not move dopamine and other chemicals in the attention areas of the brain in the same way that the brain of someone without ADHD does.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Dr. John Ratey, a leading expert in both ADHD and the brain, suggests that ADHD can be thought of as a reward-deficiency syndrome created from a deficit of specific pleasure neurotransmitters (most importantly dopamine, but also serotonin and endorphins) that are used to indicate reward in the attention centers of the brain. He notes that without these chemical indicators of reward, people with ADHD have trouble completing tasks that reward only after a long period, such as doing well in college to obtain a better job.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
without sufficient levels of these neuro -transmitters, an ADHD spouse’s attention is inconsistent and becomes dysregulated.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
adults with ADHD have at least one other condition, more than 50 percent have two or more, and more than one-third have three or more other conditions6 (Note
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
information comes at a person with ADHD. The ADHD brain has few filters on it; often, everything enters at once, and in a big jumble. This provides some interesting dilemmas in a world that values hierarchy, but it is also an opportunity.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
focus benefit of exercise lasts for a few hours, so thinking about when you exercise
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
for the non-ADHD spouse, the ADHD partner’s lack of participation in household chores becomes symbolic of all of the things that person doesn’t
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
frustration with a lack of progress by your ADHD spouse more often leads to anger than empathy.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Applaud all forward progress. Research shows that encouragement, support, and recognition of success are far more effective than offering “help” when your goal is to inspire continued success
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Consider hiring professional help. This is a very difficult dynamic to change. A professional ADHD coach or therapist can help you identify parent–child interactions and provide ideas for new ways to interact. Make sure the person has experience with ADHD!
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
two time zones for a person with ADHD: “now” and “not now”! A person with ADHD is very present focused. Often, something that was going on ten minutes earlier is out of mind, as is the thing that is supposed to happen ten minutes in the future.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
heart of most chore wars is at least one ADHD symptom. It might be distraction, inability to initiate, inability to complete tasks, or something else. Figure out which one (or more) it is, and treat it.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Trusting and entrusting; we will build a strong foundation we simply can’t have a healthy god homering mutually god satisfying marriage without trust. In a fallen world trust is the fine china of a relationship. It is beautiful when it’s there, but its surly delicate and breakable. When trust is broken it can be very hard to repair; it is trust that allows a husband and wife to face all the internal and external threats to their unite love and understanding, it is trust that allows couple to weather the difference and disarrangements that every marriage faces. It is trust allows couple to talk with honest and hope about the most personal and difficult things. There are two sides to trust; first you must do everything you can to proof yourself trustworthy. Second, you must make the decision to entrust yourself into your spouse’s care. What does it look like to engender a marriage where trust thrives? What does it look like rebuild trust when it’s been shattered? What are the characteristics of a relationship where trust is the glue?
Paul Tripp
Note that he said, “…but I am going to try to work on my marriage.” My mother, a therapist, used to say, “There are those who try and those who do.” I agree wholeheartedly. “Trying” connotes tentativeness, when what
Michele Weiner-Davis (Healing from Infidelity: The Divorce Busting® Guide to Rebuilding Your Marriage After an Affair)
repeated retreat causes a non-ADHD spouse to lose hope that she will ever get a break, while her increasingly desperate pursuit and agitation causes him greater and greater anxiety.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
diminishes each partner’s ability to be empathetic. It impairs the ability to forgive.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
leading unbelievers to Christ is a greater cause than insisting on justice in human relationships. Believers are to defer their craving for justice until the last day, trusting God as Jesus did
Andreas J. Köstenberger (God, Marriage, and Family: Rebuilding the Biblical Foundation)
Rebuilding is something that is practically difficult than starting over from nothing.
Patience Johnson (Why Does an Orderly God Allow Disorder)
If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn’t thinking. –GEN. GEORGE S. PATTON
Hal Edward Runkel (The Self-Centered Marriage: The Revolutionary ScreamFree Approach to Rebuilding Your "We" by Reclaiming Your"I")
Trust is a tricky thing. It is the foundation of every healthy relationship. It is the security that makes intimacy possible. It can be simultaneously strong and yet very fragile. It takes great effort and time to build, but it can be broken quickly. Almost every relationship has encountered difficulties over broken trust. I would even argue that most difficulties in relationships stem directly from a breach of trust. Strong relationships (especially marriages) require strong trust, so here are a few ways to to build it (or rebuild it).
David Willis
Be consistent. When you are in a process of rebuilding trust, do your very best to be consistent in your words and your actions. Consistency brings security and security eventually brings trust. For more on this, check out my post on “The 9 most important words in a marriage.
Dave Willis
And I accepted the job without consulting Shelley. Yeah, I’m a slow learner! Fast-forward to today. It’s been an incredible ride. It took the better part of five years to feel like we were stabilized. It took seven years for Shelley to say she actually respected me. It took eight years for her to say that if we had to go through it all over again, she would still choose me. It took nine years for her to say that my sexual addiction was one of the best things that ever happened to her. My jaw hit the floor when she said that. Today, as I write this, it’s a little over ten years since the mocha hit the fan. We have seen God’s amazing redemption play out, and our marriage is special. We’re still trying to figure out intimacy, still working through painful memories of the past, still leaning into conflict. And trust, well, trust has been and is still being restored. It’s an ongoing thing, which is exactly what prompted my penning this book. This book is in so many ways a “don’t do what I did” manuscript. It is the culmination of a decade of trial and error. My hope is that it will give you the courage you need to lean into the trials and make fewer errors than I did.
Stephen F. Arterburn (Worthy of Her Trust: What You Need to Do to Rebuild Sexual Integrity and Win Her Back)
Key to the success of many with ADHD is finding the “right life” in which to live. This means a job in which their particular talents for nonlinear thinking and quick emergency response are prized, and a spouse who can appreciate, or at least learn to live with, an often uneven distribution of work within the relationship. Without these things, many with ADHD feel that they don’t really fit into the world, or that the face that they put forward in order to fit in is false.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
A Dialogue Between God and the Newlywed Newlywed: “God, I dated my partner for five years, and we were happy together. Life was so perfect. We loved each other and spent much time together. I hardly noticed any fault in him, but since we got married, it is no longer the same. We now fight over silly things. I feel like he does not love me like before. I tried many things to win his heart back, but nothing produced any good results. What has changed, God? Please grant me the divine revelation to understand this sudden change that became noticeable shortly after our honeymoon.” God: “My child, dating has no significance in the spiritual realm. It does not represent or symbolize anything. No matter how many years you spend dating; it adds no value to the success of your marriage. The devil does not attack dating because it is when many people do wrong things, such as practice sexual immorality. He likes it when people date for a long time because they maximize the opportunity to offend Me. When you decide to marry, you are entering into a covenant of unity and are declaring that the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are one. Then the devil will start attacking your relationship with your spouse. The devil hates spiritual unity.” God: “Most people think that their spouse changes when they enter into marriage, but that is not the case. The devil is the one that changes his role. Before you entered marriage, he was promoting wrongs in your relationship. He was your passive enemy, not fighting you to the maximum. The moment you got married, he became your active enemy, attacking you from the left, the right, and the center. He is fighting against what the marriage represents in spirit, not you personally. Stop thinking that your partner changed and caused the problems, but instead, fight the good fight of faith and seek to lock the devil outside the gates of your marriage. Then you will live to see the beauty of marriage. Any further questions?” Newlywed (with hands lifted up, and crying in worship): “Thank You, God. That’s all I needed to know. Thank You for giving me wisdom. I will now work on developing unity with my partner to reveal and bear testimony to the oneness of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I wasted so much time blaming myself and my loved one for unfounded things and for the failure of my marriage. If only I knew that my partner did not change. The devil is the one who changed his role. Lord, grant me the grace to rebuild my marriage based on the principles of Your word. I give all glory and honor to You. Amen.
Khuliso Mamathoni (The Greatest Proposal)
partners
Jackson A. Thomas (Healing From Infidelity: A Practical Guide to Healing from Infidelity, Help Your Partner to Heal from Your Affair, Rebuilding Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken.)
When eBay entered the Chinese market in 2002, they did so by buying the leading Chinese online auction site—not Alibaba but an eBay impersonator called EachNet. The marriage created the ultimate power couple: the top global e-commerce site and China’s number one knockoff. eBay proceeded to strip away the Chinese company’s user interface, rebuilding the site in eBay’s global product image. Company leadership brought in international managers for the new China operations, who directed all traffic through eBay’s servers back in the United States. But the new user interface didn’t match Chinese web-surfing habits, the new leadership didn’t understand Chinese domestic markets, and the trans-Pacific routing of traffic slowed page-loading times. At one point an earthquake under the Pacific Ocean severed key cables and knocked the site offline for a few days. Meanwhile, Alibaba founder Jack Ma was busy copying eBay’s core functions and adapting the business model to Chinese realities. He began by creating an auction-style platform, Taobao, to directly compete with eBay’s core business. From there, Ma’s team continually tweaked Taobao’s functions and tacked on features to meet unique Chinese needs. His strongest localization plays were in payment and revenue models. To overcome a deficit of user trust in online purchases, Ma created Alipay, a payment tool that would hold money from purchases in escrow until the buyer confirmed the receipt of goods. Taobao also added instant messaging functions to allow buyers and sellers to communicate on the platform in real time. These business innovations helped Taobao claw away market share from eBay, whose global product mentality and deep centralization of decision-making power in Silicon Valley made it slow to react and add features. But Ma’s greatest weapon was his deployment of a “freemium” revenue model, the practice of keeping basic functions free while charging for premium services. At the time, eBay charged sellers a fee just to list their products, another fee when the products were sold, and a final fee if eBay-owned PayPal was used for payment. Conventional wisdom held that auction sites or e-commerce marketplace sites needed to do this in order to guarantee steady revenue streams.
Kai-Fu Lee (AI Superpowers: China, Silicon Valley, and the New World Order)
like
Jackson A. Thomas (Healing From Infidelity: A Practical Guide to Healing from Infidelity, Help Your Partner to Heal from Your Affair, Rebuilding Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken.)
You aren’t battling your ability to stick to a diet, execute a business plan, repair a broken marriage and rebuild your life, hit your sales goals, or win over a bad manager—you are battling your feelings about doing it.
Mel Robbins (The 5 Second Rule: Transform Your Life, Work, and Confidence with Everyday Courage)
Restoring Trust in the Relationship If you have been cheated on by a partner, you must understand the earth-shattering effect it can have on the trust in your relationship. The good thing, however, is that trust can be rebuilt. Of course, it will take time to fully trust your partner again after what they did, but it is a possibility. Both of you will have to work as a team to restore the balance in the relationship so that, one day, you both can go back to how you two were when you fell in love. You must also understand that the process of healing will take time. The cheating partner mustn’t expect things to go right between you two overnight or think that one apology is enough to resettle terms in the marriage. Below are some tips to help you two restore the lost faith in the relationship and rebuild the trust.
Rachael Chapman (Healthy Relationships: Overcome Anxiety, Couple Conflicts, Insecurity and Depression without therapy. Stop Jealousy and Negative Thinking. Learn how to have a Happy Relationship with anyone.)
Five decades later, it’s clear that the problem isn’t about race—it is nearly universal. The works of Charles Murray, Robert Putnam, and J. D. Vance show that these tragic developments are not unique to any geographic or ethnic community. The share of white births occurring outside marriage is now roughly three in ten, which is higher than the “emergency” black rate in the 1960s. And although the teen pregnancy rate is down, the Urban Institute’s “Moynihan Report Revisited” pegs the overall share of black births now occurring outside marriage at more than seven in ten. Fourth, we have unhelpfully come to so identify our obligations to teenagers with the institution of secondary schooling that we have lost the collective memory of folks who came of age without schooling as the defining
Ben Sasse (The Vanishing American Adult: Our Coming-of-Age Crisis—and How to Rebuild a Culture of Self-Reliance)
Here are some good disciplines and traditions to rebuild into your marriage to ensure that it will grow from now on: A weekly date night Praying together and going to church Taking walks together Taking short, overnight, or weekend trips Talking face-to-face without distractions every day Planning times to have sex when you are both rested Not going to bed angry. Talking things out and forgiving each other Read a marriage book together (especially one of mine :)) Going to a marriage conference Watch a romantic comedy together Finding something you both enjoy doing and doing it regularly
Jimmy Evans (The Four Laws of Love: Guaranteed Success for Every Married Couple)
The only thing that can prevent you from getting a new, more beautiful marriage is you.
J.W. Louise (How to Forgive and Recover From Infidelity: Proven Tips to Help Rebuild Your Relationship After Heartbreaking Cheating and Deception)
Elliott resumed walking with one hand thrust in his pocket while he gestured with the other. “Some people never wanted to be married in the first place. They liked the general idea but had no idea the enterprise required they bind their lives to someone else’s, to the limits they impose. Still others marry their problems rather than another person. So for them, cheating on their spouse is like a vacation from a job they hate but are too afraid to quit.” Now he placed a hand on my shoulder and raised his finger to indicate I should pay close attention. “But mostly, infidelity is a case of what I like to call the practical use of other people.” He began walking again. “We start to feel invisible to the person with whom we’re most intimate. We desperately want to be seen by them. But rather than address it with our partner and, God forbid, risk them ignoring us, we instead seek to become the apple of someone else’s eye, which causes us to drift further from our beloved until they finally notice our absence. Or don’t. Which confirms our invisibility either way.” Elliott stopped again for emphasis. “And that absolves us from the responsibility of owning our feelings.” Pleased that I was taking this all in, he shrugged. “Of course, some people cheat just to blow up their lives.” “Why do that?” I asked. “Because it’s exciting to rebuild,” Elliott said. “There’s so much to do. Divorce is as big a commitment as marriage, and then being in love all over again leaves barely a moment for introspection. Plus, it’s a chance to start over. Get your hands dirty. Flex muscles you haven’t used in years. The possibilities seem limitless! I’ll get it right this time! It’s like that odd feeling of optimism you get when you see a town leveled by a tornado. But that’s an illusion. Our history is always with us. You following?” I wasn’t, so I nodded. “There’s not a person in the world who’s yet been able to entirely fulfill another’s needs,” Elliott continued. “For some people this is as disappointing as it is unacceptable.
Adam Ross (Playworld)
Though he may fight back, the ADHD spouse struggles deeply as the recipient of this abuse, because it sounds like so many comments he has heard throughout his life from other “authority” figures such as parents, relatives, teachers, and coaches. He may become understandably defensive, but this only further infuriates his wife.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Can Vashikaran Fix Love Marriage? Call for Secret Tips!]8219726731[ If you’re struggling to save your love marriage, Vashikaran—a revered spiritual practice—might offer solutions. For personalized guidance, connect with experts at +918219726731 to explore ethical, result-driven remedies tailored to your unique situation. Understanding Vashikaran’s Role in Love Marriages Love marriages often face hurdles like family opposition, misunderstandings, or fading attraction. Vashikaran, rooted in Vedic traditions, uses mantras and rituals to harmonize energies and address these challenges. Practices like Mohini Vashikaran (focused on attraction) or Stri Vashikaran Mantra (for influencing women) can help rebuild trust and reignite lost passion when applied ethically. How Vashikaran Addresses Love Marriage Issues 1. Overcoming Family Opposition Parental disapproval is a common roadblock. Specific mantras, combined with rituals, can soften rigid mindsets and foster acceptance. For instance, a ladki patane ka mantra might be used to align family members’ energies with your partner’s. 2. Reviving Lost Attraction If your spouse has grown distant, Mohini Vashikaran rituals can reignite emotional and physical bonds. These practices focus on balancing energies rather than forceful control. 3. Resolving Third-Party Interference External influences, like a meddling relative or rival, can strain relationships. A Stri Vashikaran Mantra creates a protective aura around your marriage, neutralizing negativity. Ethical Vashikaran: A Balanced Approach Consent Matters: Ethical practitioners emphasize mutual well-being. Avoid rituals that manipulate free will. Holistic Solutions: Pair mantras with efforts like open communication or counseling for lasting results. Case Study: Saving a Troubled Love Marriage** Priya (name changed) faced constant fights with her husband. After consulting an expert (call +918219726731), she performed a love problem solution ritual with a Mohini Vashikaran mantra. Within weeks, their bond strengthened, and conflicts reduced. Steps to Use Vashikaran Safely Consult a Certified Expert: Mispronouncing mantras can backfire. Always seek guidance. Chant with Focus: Recite mantras like “Om Hreem Shreem Kleem” daily for 21 days. Combine with Action: Address practical issues (e.g., communication gaps) alongside spiritual efforts. Modern Alternatives to Complement Vashikaran Astrological Remedies: Gemstones or planetary alignment fixes. Couples Therapy: For trust-building and conflict resolution. Final Thoughts While Mohini Vashikaran, Stri Vashikaran Mantra, or a ladki patane ka mantra can help fix love marriages, success depends on ethical intent and expert guidance. For urgent, confidential solutions, call +918219726731 today.
Manish Sisodia (Shiksha :My Experiments as an Education Minister hindi)
S. Lewis created a beautiful word picture I like to think of when I cannot understand what God is doing. He told us to think of ourselves as a house God is renovating. We think we know what work needs to be done—maybe some small repairs here and there—and then He starts knocking down walls. We are confused and feeling the pain of this level of rebuilding. But maybe His vision is much different than ours. “You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”1 We see a cottage. God sees a palace. We see destruction. God sees construction. We see only what the human mind can imagine. God is building something we cannot even fathom. It’s not what we wanted, but it is so very good. And in the end, maybe it’s not what God is working on but how God is working in us that matters most of all. So, pray what you know to pray. Pray what you need to pray. Pray all the words and let the tears flow into sobs and demands and frustrations and doubts mixed with hope. But then let the faithfulness of God interpret what you see. Let the faithfulness of God build your trust. Let the faithfulness of God ease the ache of your confusion and bitterness and bewilderment. God’s faithfulness isn’t demonstrated by His activity aligning with your prayers. It’s your prayers aligning with His faithfulness and His will where you become more and more assured of His activity. Even if, maybe especially if, His activity and His answers don’t look like you thought they would. I titled this chapter “Forgiving God,” not because God needs to be forgiven. But sometimes, in the middle of deep hurt, our hearts can start to wrongly believe God is at fault. When we truly feel we’ve asked God for something urgently necessary, good, right, and holy, like saving a marriage or a loved one’s life or preventing something horrific from happening, and God doesn’t do it? We wouldn’t say He sinned, but we very much may feel betrayed by Him. Or disillusioned by Him. Or possibly wonder if God even cares about us. When the evils of this world rage around us and terrible tragedies break our hearts, it is understandable why we weep, bang our fists on the steering wheel, scream out very hard words, feel consumed by the seemingly never-ending unfairness of it all, and wrestle through all the questions berating our grief-filled souls. The problem is when we form conclusions from that place. Because, as we’ve been talking about, our perspectives—especially while we are here—aren’t complete.
Lysa TerKeurst (Forgiving What You Can't Forget: Discover How to Move On, Make Peace with Painful Memories, and Create a Life That’s Beautiful Again)
[God] can help you begin to rebuild your marriage and your life if you will let Him rule in your life.
Billy Graham (Billy graham in quotes)
For some people, commitment comes with a mindfulness of the need for exclusivity, about which they have no second thoughts. They seem to have a red stoplight built into their senses. For others, commitment is conditional and seems to come with a yellow warning light that can be heeded or ignored. They split hairs and decide that their commitment permits them to do this but does not allow them to do that. Their conditional commitment may also be dependent on the state of their marriage. Still others have turned a forbidden transgression into a reasonable option and have given themselves a green light to go full speed ahead.
Shirley P. Glass (Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity)
For married lovers, the marriage is bread and butter and the affair is icing on the cake. Affairs between married and single people have an imbalance of power because the affair is the one-and-only for the unmarried person, who has to wait in line for time and attention that isn’t already allocated to the spouse and kids. Ralph
Shirley P. Glass (Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity)
Theological and hermeneutical naïveté gives birth to superficial diagnoses, which in turn issue in superficial remedies. It seems that the dynamics and effects of sin are poorly understood in our day. The result is that many Christian self-help books owe more to secular culture than a thoroughgoing Christian worldview.
Andreas J. Köstenberger (God, Marriage, and Family: Rebuilding the Biblical Foundation)
5. Unfaithful husbands in long-term marriages described their affairs as more emotional than sexual. Men whose affairs were primarily sexual seldom chose to leave.   6. Commitment to working on the marriage was low at the beginning of therapy. Involved spouses who were not committed to do everything possible to save their marriage were more likely to drop out of therapy quickly and leave the marriage.
Shirley P. Glass (Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity)
While there may be Christian Sunday School teachers and other significant people in a child’s life, parents must never go back on their God-given responsibility to be the primary source of religious instruction for their children.52
Andreas J. Köstenberger (God, Marriage, and Family: Rebuilding the Biblical Foundation)
Your spouse does not generally want you to tell him what to do or structure his life, nor does he look to you for wisdom.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Understand that offers of “help” can be misconstrued in adult parent–child relationships. They may say, “You’re not competent enough to do this alone.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
Your spouse does not expect you to parent him, and will likely resent it if you do. Furthermore, if you parent your spouse, you will lose the romance of your marriage, as it’s almost impossible to be sexually attracted to a parent figure.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
If you are being parented, it means that ADHD symptoms are getting in the way of your relationship, whether you are aware of it or not.
Melissa Orlov (The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps)
To be a Man of Principle, you will need both Principle and principles. One does not help you without the other. A man of Principle without a powerful guiding code to live by is a shallow man who loves the sound of living with honor and integrity but has done no work to actually bind himself to the higher authority of his God-inspired and self-instated code of conduct. A man who has a thorough understanding of a certain set of principles but who lacks the inner fire to live by his own powerful decision according to those principles is, during “good” times, legalistically obedient, trying to merely do the right thing and check all his boxes. Yuck! That kind of dead religious living with no heartfelt passion or fire is not at all what we’re after. During “bad” times, it’s no better. When the storms begin to pound him, he quickly becomes a deserter, a traitor who leaves the principles behind in search of some easier or more promising mode of living that will meet his urgent need to coddle his fear and comfort. Both men are easily tossed when life gets difficult. Neither man is truly a Man of Principle, nor is he a Man of Identity. When a man is so unanchored and weak in the face of trouble, the lack of Principle is a sign of the deeper problem of still not having done the work of discovering who he is in the Kingdom, who he is in Jesus, who he is as a son of God.
Matt Hallock (The DNA of a Man: How Your God-Given Masculinity Rebuilds Your Mind, Your Marriage, and Your Mission)
Some ask why the Church does not want to bless a new union between two people who are seeking to rebuild their lives after the failure of their marriages. One might ask oneself why priests do not show more compassion or mercy, since Jesus forgave all sins and since the priest is there to give divine mercy freely. These biblical texts show that Jesus speaks of marriage in another register. Christ united himself to humanity in an indissoluble way in an eternal marriage by dying on the Cross. Sacramental marriage is sealed in the absolutely indissoluable covenant of Christ with his Church.
Florian Racine (Could You Not Watch with Me One Hour?: How to Cultivate a Deeper Relationship with the Lord through Eucharistic Adoration)
Lord Jesus, I surrender fully to you all that I’ve done and all that I am. I will no longer keep trying to do things my way and will start doing things Your way. Heal my heart to be one that loves as you love me. Heal my mind so that I may trust you to lead me through this mess and to rebuild my marriage. In Jesus Name…Amen.
Mark Savage (I Really Messed Up: Your Next Steps to Heal Your Marriage After an Affair)
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