Rab C Nesbitt Quotes

Some burglars are vermin, they're no better than, well, investment bankers - there, I've said it.

This is what you get in life. Wee flannel-arsed naebodies sittin' behind a desk tryin' to make you sweat in your stool. And see when they do? Y'can feel the wind-up key take another turn in your back.

No one of these bloody jobs exist do they? Christ, y'just stick them up there to take the bare look off the walls.

Rab: Like a wee chip, Burney son? Burney: Stick your chips up your arse! Mary: Heeey, hey, hey, hey - manners. Burney: Please.

Correct me if I'm wrong. But it was you stuck the head on the policehorse? It deserved it didn't it. Standin' there whinnying at me in that bloody Kelvinside accent.

There's a funnel up his arse and a breeze between his ears. All the same I suppose his guess is as good as ours y'know? All he knows is 'shut up and keep going'. I mean, I for one, I can't make any philosophical advance on that. I mean, honestly - can you?

Christmas carols? Oozy, squeezy, treacly middle-class propaganda crap!

In the fifties there were no paedophiles. There were only simple honest-to-goodness child molesters.

When a scumball turns on Songs of Praise he sees three hundred quantity surveyors warbling about 'My Lord in heaven', and he knows his name's not on the guest list.

Cancer gets a bad press but, fair do's, it's a truly egalitarian illness, unlike those stuck-up bastards ME and motor neurone.

Once you realise you're never going to be a somebody, you have to kid yourself that being a nobody can still be interesting.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like', he said, 'if we could tear down the dividing walls of every house in the street? If we could see folk the way they really are after they stop talking their crappy garbage about the weather and go in and shut the door? Have you ever wondered that? If you ask me', he said,' every bastards half mental'.