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But rather than responding by reducing the connection after these behaviors, I’d think about increasing the connection outside of these behaviors. Behavioral issues are often a call for attention or connection—if those needs are met, that cry for help is no longer necessary. This is why a bad behavior is rarely “fixed” in that behavior’s immediate aftermath. It takes ongoing connection to really move the needle, and kids in difficult behavioral cycles need more proactive attention, more one-on-one time, more assurance that they are seen and valued and have an identity outside of their acting out. Increased connection might mean scheduling ten minutes of distraction-free time every day (I call this Play No Phone, or PNP, Time—more on that in a bit) or a “Hey, want to grab some ice cream? We could use a special treat!” When you carve out time with your child, especially one who has a history of acting out, you’re telling them, “I see you as more than a bad kid.” And for the times they do engage in troublesome behavior? Take a deep breath, remind yourself that progress isn’t linear, and remember that when we connect with our kids after they act out, we don’t have to throw a party for them. You might say, “Sweetie, I know you’re having a hard time, and we will work on ways of telling your brother you’re mad while keeping your body safe. Now, I need to finish folding laundry. You can sit with me if you want. Let’s make sure you and I get some time together, just the two of us, later, okay? I love you.
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