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The Lottery by Stewart Stafford
It was New York, 1984,
The AIDS tsunami roared in,
Friends, old overnight, no more,
Breathless, I went for a check-up.
A freezing winter's dawn,
A solitary figure before me,
What we called a drag queen,
White heels trembled in the cold.
"Hi, are you here to get tested?"
Gum chewed, brown eyes stared.
This was not my type of person,
I turned heel and walked away.
At month's end, a crippling flu,
The grey testing centre called,
Two hundred people ahead of me;
A waking nightmare all too real.
I gave up and turned to leave,
But a familiar voice called out:
"Hey, you there, come back!"
I stopped and turned around.
The drag queen stood there in furs,
But sicker, I didn't recognise them,
"Stand with me in the line, honey."
"Nah, I'm fine, I'll come back again."
"Support an old broad before she faints?"
A voice no longer frail but pin-sharp.
I got in line to impatient murmurs:
"If anyone has a problem, see me!"
Sylvester on boombox, graveyard choir.
My pal's stage name was Carol DaRaunch,
(After the Ted Bundy female survivor)
Their real name was Ernesto Rodriguez.
After seeing the doctor, Carol hugged me,
Writing down their number on some paper,
With their alias not their real name on it:
"Is this the number of where you work?"
"THAT is my home number to call me on.
THAT'S my autograph, for when I'm famous!"
"I was wrong about you, Carol," I said.
"Baby, it takes time to get to know me!"
A hug, shimmy, the threadbare blonde left.
A silent chorus of shuffling dead men walking,
Spartan results, a young man's death sentence.
Real words faded rehearsal, my eyes watered.
Two weeks on, I cautiously phoned up Carol.
The receiver was picked up, dragging sounds,
Like furniture being moved: "Is Carol there?"
"That person is dead." They hung up on me.
All my life's harsh judgements, dumped on Carol,
Who was I to win life's lottery over a guardian angel?
I still keep that old phone number forty years on,
Crumpled, faded, portable guilt lives on in my wallet.
© Stewart Stafford, 2024. All rights reserved.
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