Pauline Boss Quotes

People who can accept the situation without having to master it often find it easier to be spontaneous and flexible about changing long-standing patterns...

Sadness is treated with human connection.

But I made an issue of the precise wording of the vows. I wanted liberalized ones, with no outmoded Pauline nonsense exacting from the bride the promise to 'obey' the groom. Here I put my foot down, rather in the manner of a husband determined to show at the outset who was boss. 'I'll have no obedience around here!' I said, banging the table. 'Is that clear?' 'Is it an order?' 'Yes.

I can live with something meaningless... As long as I have something else in my life that is meaningful.

Unless there is some time for being together psychologically - emotionally and cognitively - the psychological family may disappear. Without time for talking, laughing, arguing, sharing stories, and showing affection, we are just a collection of people who share the same refrigerator.

Perhaps if we could be more flexible about family roles and who the family is, we would have less ambivalence toward loved ones were partially absent or present.

From those women I also learned that a terminal illness is less distressful when it is attributed to the natural cycle of life rather than to failure. The secret to coping with the pain of an uncertain loss, regardless of culture or personal beliefs, is to avoid feeling helpless. This is accomplished by working to change what we can and accepting what we cannot.

Ambiguous loss makes us feel incompetent. It erodes our sense of mastery and destroys our belief in the world as a fair, orderly, and manageable place. But if we learn to cope with uncertainty, we must realize that there are differing views of the world, even when that world is less challenged by ambiguity . . . If we are to turn the corner and cope with uncertain losses, we must first temper our hunger for mastery. This is the paradox.

This [artistic] family, perhaps because of their creativity, did not resist change for long. Instead, they enjoyed their mother's [with dementia] new way of being and learned from it. They were delighted when she summed up her situation one morning by declaring, "I am not fictional.

La familia que existe en la cabeza de las personas es más importante que la que se registra en su libreta de tomador del censo...La experiencia de la inmigración proporciona una visión especial sobre cómo las personas aprenden a prescindir de aquello a que estaban acostumbradas para poder adoptar lo nuevo.

Ambivalence is often intensified by deficiencies outside the family--officials cannot find a missing person or medical experts cannot clearly diagnose or cure a devastating illness. Because of the ambiguity, loved ones can't make sense out of their situation and emotionally are pulled in opposite directions --love and hate for the same person, acceptance and rejection of their caregiving role, affirmation and denial of their loss. Often people feel they must withhold their emotions and control their aggressive feelings... This is the bind...

Mixed emotions are compounded when a separation involves the potential of irretrievable loss. When there is a chance that we will never see a loved one again, we protect ourselves from the prospect of losing that person by becoming ambivalent-- holding our spouse at arm's length, picking a fight with a parent, or shutting a sibling out even while he or she is still physically present. Anticipating a loss, we both cling to our loved ones and push them away. We will resist their leaving and at the same time want to be finished with the goodbye.

Fantaseamos lo que no entendemos...Las situaciones que menos se comprenden excitan el inconsciente

In her book, Pauline Boss asks, “What happens when a family member or a friend who may be still alive is lost to us nonetheless? . . . These losses are always stressful and often tormenting.” Ambiguous losses are the most devastating and traumatizing of losses because sufferers must live with ambiguity that might stay with them throughout their lives.

Human beings are naturally resilient - if others don't stand in their way with judgement and stigma.

It is not unusual for others to want closure more than the person experiencing the loss.

be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue... And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some day into the answer."6

My point is this: Continuing to use the term “closure” perpetuates the myth that losses and grief have a prescribed time for ending—or never starting—and that it’s emotionally healthier to close the door on suffering than to face it and learn to live with it.

Research shows that we do better to live with grief than to deny it or close the door on it. Our task now, after a time of so much suffering, is to acknowledge our losses, name them, find meaning in them, and let go of the quest for closure. Instead of searching for closure, we search for meaning and new hope. We begin this search by becoming aware of family losses even from years ago.

If we have loved, we will want to remember. We can do this even while moving forward in a new way. This idealization of closure

Sadness is a condition treated with human connection

To regain a sense of mastery when there is ambiguity about a loved one's absence or presence, we must give up trying to find the perfect solution. We must redefine our relationship to the missing person. Most important, we must realize that the confusion we are experiencing is attributable to the ambiguity rather than something we did - or neglected to do. Once we know the source of our helplessness, we are free to begin the coping process. We assess the situation, begin revising our perceptions ... We feel more in charge even though the ambiguity persists.

Communication saves us from the mixed emotions that often result from ambiguity.

The tension that results from conflicting emotions, especially when family members unresolved grief is not acknowledged, becomes so overwhelming that they are frozen in their tracks. They cannot make decisions, cannot act, and cannot let go.