“
Masters: Situation appears dire. Look around. Do you see any adults?
Me: My ball size indicates I’m the adultest thing here.
Me: I haven’t been rejected this hard since I tried to block the punt in that game against OSU last semester.
Masters: My wife says rejection is good for you. Makes you mentally tough.
Me: You love saying that phrase “my wife.”
Masters: You bet your fat ass I do.
Me: You don’t think it’s completely strange that you’re 21 and acting like a Taylor Swift song?
Masters: Bro, sorry you feel left out. Stop by later and I’ll give you a hug.
Me: Fuck off.
Masters: I have MY WIFE to do that for me. Thanks, though. Hug still stands. I’ll even let you smell me. MY WIFE says I smell delicious.
Me: I’ve smelled you before, which is why I’m not sure how you convinced Ellie to marry you. She must have defective olfactory senses.
Masters: Me and MY defective WIFE will be getting it on tonight. While u have only Rosie Palm.
Me: Don’t worry. I get plenty of variety. Left-hand Laura sometimes steps in.
Masters: Heard you were out with Josie Weeks. Be careful. She eats little linebackers like you for breakfast.
And the fact that I don’t even want to make a sexually charged comeback tells me exactly how I feel about Josie. Hope she doesn’t mind being just study partners.
”
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