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You’ve probably heard this one before; it’s an oldie but a goodie. Instead of saying “You did this” or “You did that,” talk about your personal reactions and experiences using “I,” “me,” and “my.” So instead of, “You never want to spend time with me,” you say, “I’ve been feeling lonely lately, and I’ve been wanting to feel more connected to you.” If you’re feeling stuck, here’s an easy framework to use: “I feel X, and I need Y.” Notice how that worked in the prior example—I’m feeling lonely and I need more connection. Using “I” language cuts defensiveness off at the pass. If you tell your partner, “You did this,” it’s going to feel like an attack to them, and it’s likely to trigger an argumentative response like “No, I didn’t!” But if you talk about your own experience, it’s less likely to inflame that defensiveness. This also helps you identify the feelings that are coming up for you. Your feelings are what need tending to when you’re upset, not the actual details of what happened.
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Vanessa Marin (Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life)