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If you ever get a gooey eye, don’t mess around, see a doctor, even if your schedule is packed. 2. Please don’t ever not use condoms. Please keep in mind that it is your own older and wiser self telling you this. It’s not propaganda. 3. Try running—you will like it. Has Pilates been invented yet? Do that. I wish you would pay attention to your laterals. Stay fit. Keep in mind that it will reduce cellulite acquisition. 4. When Grandma gives you a Krugerrand for your twenty-first birthday, have Dad put it in his safe deposit box because you will lose it, I promise you. 5. The stock market goes way up in 1999. But get out of tech by July 2000. 6. As discussed, keep wearing your retainer. 7. Sunscreen (60+) and remove makeup every night. 8. Brush up on multiple regressions before the departmental comprehensive senior year. But don’t freak out—you pass. 9. Try to maintain good sleep habits. I’m not sure this is possible. But try. 10. Start working on your Mandarin tones. 11. I’m giving you a list of big IPOs—see if you can invest early in any of them. They’re not going to let you in easily so show some hustle. Also, these are some great companies for a first job. 12. Remember you won’t always have the time you have now, so this is the time to learn Arabic. 13. Remember that greatness is difficult but worth it. 14. There will be plenty of time for boys/men/romance/dating once you’re a VP. There’s no point before then. 15. Remember, with men, the key quality you need is that they’ll put your career first, since it’s hard to both be extremely ambitious. 16. But men who don’t want to be #1 aren’t going to be exciting enough for you. 17. I haven’t figured out how to reconcile those two either, but maybe you can. 18. Having a killer work ethic is worth more than riches.
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