Lysa Terkeurst Boundaries Quotes

Relationships often die not because of conversations that were had but rather conversations that were needed but never had.

Healthy relationships don’t feel threatening. Loving relationships don’t feel cruel. Secure relationships don’t feel as if everything could implode if you dared to draw a boundary.

God calls us to obey Him. God does not call us to obey every wish and whim of other people. God calls us to love other people. God does not call us to demand that they love us back and meet every need we have.

What we need is boundaries, not barriers.

My counselor says, “Adults inform, children explain.” I will state my boundaries with compassion and clarity. But I will not negotiate excuses or navigate exceptions with lengthy explanations that wear me down emotionally.

But we can’t enable bad behavior in ourselves and others and call it love. We can’t tolerate destructive patterns and call it love. And we can’t pride ourselves on being loyal and longsuffering in our relationships when it’s really perpetuating violations of what God says love is.

A hurtful statement can be called a mistake. But a repeated pattern of hurtful statements or uncaring attitudes or even unjust expectations is much more than a mistake. These patterns are misuses of the purposes of a relationship. Why is this so crucial to understand? Because unchecked misuse of a relationship can quickly turn into abuse in a relationship.

Walk confidently in the fact that our all-sufficient God did not make you insufficient or broken.

Memories are both our greatest treasures and our greatest sorrows.

Boundaries are simply clearly stated parameters that provide a safe structure for communication and the health of a relationship.

The tension exists because you are doing the difficult work of no longer cooperating with dysfunction.

If someone is getting in the way of you becoming the person God created you to be or frustrating the work God has called you to do, for you that person is toxic.

Love can be unconditional but relational access never should be

Healthy people who desire healthy relationships don’t have an issue with other people’s healthy boundaries.

If we are living honest lives that honor God, we must not forget that people not liking our boundary does not mean we aren’t living right before God. We mustn’t let unhealthy people control us or have too much access to our hearts so that their negative opinion shakes us. God’s is the only opinion that matters!

The snake's lack of peace on the outside was because of his own lack of peace on the inside…..Spurgeon goes on to equate this viper o people whose irritation is utterly unreasonable. They don't have peace on the inside, therefore it probably won't be possible for them to live with a consistency of peace on the outside.

meant to shove love away. Quite the opposite. We set boundaries so we know what to do when we very much want to love those around us really well without losing ourselves in the process. Good boundaries help us preserve the love within us even when some relationships become unsustainable and we must accept the reality of a goodbye.

ever validated that what I went through was wrong. Forgiveness feels like it trivializes, minimizes, or, worse yet, makes what happened no big deal. I can’t possibly forgive when I still feel so hostile toward the one who hurt me. I’m not ready to forgive. I still feel hurt. They haven’t apologized or even acknowledged that what they did was wrong. Being back in relationship with this person isn’t possible or safe. Furthermore, it’s not even reasonable for me to have a conversation with the person who hurt me. I’m still in the middle of a long, hard situation with no resolution yet. I’m afraid forgiveness will give them false hope that I want to reestablish the relationship, but I don’t. It’s easier to ignore this person altogether than to try and figure out boundaries so they don’t keep hurting me. What they did is unchangeable; therefore, forgiveness won’t help anything. The person who hurt me is no longer here. I can’t forgive someone I can’t talk to. I don’t think any good will come from forgiveness now. When your heart has been shattered and reshaped into something that doesn’t quite feel normal inside your own chest yet, forgiveness feels a bit unrealistic.

Remember all the work you've done to draw boundaries was not about controlling someone else's behavior. It's about paying attention ad being hones about how someone's poor behavior and lack of responsibility is possibly controlling you. And when people close to us are acting out of control, that's when we run the greater risk of lacking self-control. When a relationship shifts from being difficult to being destructive, it's the right time to consider a goodbye.

healthy eating go-to scripts God has given me power over my food choices. I’m supposed to consume food. Food isn’t supposed to consume me. He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” . . . For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9–10) I was made for more than to be stuck in a vicious cycle of defeat. You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north. (Deuteronomy 2:3 NASB) When I’m considering a compromise, I will think past this moment and ask myself, How will I feel about this choice tomorrow morning? Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. (1 Corinthians 6:19–20) When tempted, I either remove the temptation or remove myself from the situation. If you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. Therefore, my dear friends, flee. (1 Corinthians 10:12–14) When there’s a special event, I can find other ways to celebrate rather than blowing my healthy eating plan. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. (Revelation 3:8) Struggling with my weight isn’t God’s mean curse on me, but an outside indication that internal changes are needed for me to function and feel well. “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! . . . I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.” (Isaiah 43:18–19) I have these boundaries in place not for restriction but to define the parameters of my freedom. I am using an example from everyday life because of your human limitations. Just as you used to offer yourselves as slaves to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer yourselves as slaves to righteousness leading to holiness. (Romans 6:19)

Somewhere in all the looking around at others for validation, we’ve stopped looking up. If we are living honest lives that honor God, we must not forget that people not liking our boundary does not mean we aren’t living right before God. When someone says something that hurts or offends us when we draw a boundary, it can be good to check ourselves. Is any part of this an attempt on our part to do harm, control, retaliate, check out, or give ourselves permission to be irresponsible? While checking ourselves is healthy, questioning our identity is not. Checking ourselves means looking at a current attitude or behavior to see if it is in line with God’s instructions and wisdom. Questioning our identity is doubting who we are because we have given too much power to other people by letting their opinions define us. I don’t know any other way to say this except to be absolutely direct: If our identity, the foundational belief we hold of who we are, is tied to an opinion someone has of us, we need to reassess. We must be honest with how much access to our heart we’ve given to this person. It’s not bad to give someone access to our heart but when we give an unhealthy person too much access, it can shake us to our core. When their opinion of us starts to affect how we see ourselves, we can lose sight of the best parts of who we are because we get entangled in the exhausting pursuit of trying to keep that relationship intact no matter the cost. And when this is the cycle we are caught in, sometimes we would rather manage people’s perceptions of us than care for ourselves and the relationship by putting appropriate boundaries in place. Remember, we talked about personal access and responsibility in previous chapters. When we give people personal access to us, those people must be responsible with it. And emotional access to our hearts is especially important.

God has given me power over my food choices. I hold the power—not the food. If I’m not supposed to eat it, I won’t put it in my mouth. I was made for more than being stuck in a vicious cycle of defeat. I was not made to be a victim of my poor choices. I was made to be a victorious child of God. When I am struggling and considering a compromise, I will force myself to think past this moment and ask myself, How will I feel about this choice tomorrow morning? If I’m in a situation where the temptation is overwhelming, I will have to choose to either remove the temptation or remove myself from the situation. When a special occasion rolls around, I can find ways to celebrate that don’t involve blowing my healthy eating plan. Struggling with my weight isn’t God’s mean curse on me. Being overweight is an outside indication that internal changes are needed for my body to function properly and for me to feel well. I have these boundaries in place not for restriction but to define the parameters of my freedom. My brokenness can’t handle more freedom than this right now. And I’m good with that.

had the wrong notion that to be a Christian requires that we believe the best no matter what. That it’s unkind to draw boundaries. That it’s noble and commendable to stay in a relationship no matter what. I no longer believe that.

It’s no wonder we are anxious and feel boundaries are only acceptable and legitimate if the other person agrees with and respects them. In other words, instead of stating our boundaries and ending the sentence with a period, we tag on a question. “You good with that?” “Okay?” “Does that work?” “This is understandable, right?” “You see where I’m coming from, yes?” Posing a boundary as a question opens us up to be questioned, debated, and disrespected. If a boundary is presented with doubt, it won’t be effectively carried out. Now, add on top of that the weird notion that if we are Christians, then we are absolutely obligated to sacrifice what’s best for us in the name of laying down our lives for others. (See here for some specific scriptures that have been wrongly used to make people feel guilty about their boundaries.) Where did we get the idea that we aren’t allowed to say no, have limitations, or be unwilling to tolerate other people’s bad behavior? If we are filtering our thoughts of boundaries through wrong perceptions, it’s no wonder many of us find boundaries not just challenging but pretty close to impossible. Here’s why: We aren’t sure who we really are. We aren’t sure what we really need. We aren’t sure that if others walked away from us, we’d be okay. We’ll get to what we need in the next chapter, but for now let’s take an honest look at an important question. Who are you?

A note from Jim on goodbyes: There's a big difference between waiting for a breaking point and establishing a breaking point. A goodbye shouldn't sneak up on us because if we set boundaries with consequences, breaking points are established ahead of time. As boundary violations occur there will be changes in the relationship so that you can protect yourself from hurtful patterns and behaviors that you are no longer willing to tolerate.

It's interesting that the original phrase in the late 1500s was "God be with Ye." The contraction of that phrase was "Goodbwye" which eventually became "goodbye."….. I wonder, when Jesus watched the rich young ruler walk away, what was the look in His eyes? I wonder, when Peter denied Jesus and abandoned Him just before Jesus went to the cross, what was the goodbye like?

We must embrace the boundaries of the healthy eating plan we choose. And we must affirm these boundaries as gifts from a God who cares about our health, not restrictive fences meant to keep us from enjoying life. Vulnerable, broken taste buds can't handle certain kinds of freedom. Boundaries keep us safe, not restricted.

I have these boundaries in place not for restriction but to define the parameters of my freedom. My brokenness can't handle more freedom than this right now. And I'm good with that.

Love can be unconditional but relational access never should be. Notice that the words sin and iniquity

Trauma isn't just something that happens to you. It happens in you

But then we also must walk through the much longer process of forgiving and healing from the impact another person's actions have had on us. Forgiveness is a command by God, but reconciliation should be very conditional on many factors—most of all whether all parties involved can stay safe ad healthy if they stay together.

We've survived what we feared. But can we survive the remembering? Memories are both our greatest treasures and our greatest sorrows.

So, lesson learned: some goodbyes are not for a season, they are forever. but when two good people part ways and don't cause harm to each other, it may actually allow for more good to be done in their respective callings….. …..Remember, some people appear to say the right things, but their actions betray their words.

If we want recovery and healing we would be wise to take a break or possibly make a clean break from the one wounding us>

If we want recovery and healing we would be wise to take a break or possibly make a clean break from the one wounding us.

Even when people turned on Jesus, He didn't let a goodbye turn Him into someone He was never meant to be

When we give relational access to us, it should never lead to "less safety, less sanity, or less strengthening for the individuals in the relationship.

And we don't allow their choices to harm us and start drawing our heart into places of compromise, devastation, or deception. Again, we all need grace when we mess up. But we also need the awareness that there is a difference between an occasional slip in behavior and an ongoing pattern of behavior.

Where there is an abundance of chaos, there is usually a lack of good boundaries.

The person who continues to break your heart isn’t in a place to properly care for your heart.

Having your life turned upside down is brutally devastating, but it can help shake loose some emotionally unhealthy issues that need tending.

Jesus didn’t enable people. Jesus didn’t beg people. Jesus didn’t accept excuses for sin or let people off the hook because they were mostly good.

Drawing boundaries can help put out fires before they become all consuming. But if the fire keeps burning with increasing intensity, you’ve got to get away from the smoke and flames. Sometimes, your only option is to say goodbye.

I also don’t want my goodbyes to make it look like I’ve never spent any time with Jesus at all.

You are whole and healthy when who you are as a child of God is in alignment with what you know (orthodoxy), what you feel (orthopathy), and what you do (orthopraxy).

And most telling of all, though Jesus had compassion for all people and offered salvation to all people, those who reject His gift and refuse to acknowledge Him as their Savior will not enter into heaven. There it is again: access requires responsibility.

Boundaries aren’t to push others away. They are to hold me together. Otherwise, I will downgrade my gentleness to hastily spoken words of anger and resentment. I will downgrade my progress with forgiveness to bitterness. I will downgrade my words of sincerity to frustrated words of anger, aggression, or rude remarks. I will downgrade my attitude for reconciliation to acts of retaliation . . . not because I’m not a good person but because I’m not a person keeping appropriate boundaries. And boundaries are 100 percent my choice, not theirs. Therefore, a much healthier place to exert my energy is with choices I can make to stay healthy while still staying available to offer as much compassion as my spiritual capacity will allow. And staying humble before the Lord, asking Him to grow me and mature me so my spiritual capacity will stay ever-increasing. So, how do we apply this practically? Remember,

What hurts us will not be our full story.

While checking ourselves is healthy, questioning our identity is not. Questioning our identity is doubting who we are because we have given too much power to other people by letting their opinions define us.

instead of feeling stuck because I can’t control the choices of the other person, I take control of reducing the access to the level of responsibility they are capable of. That solution is called a boundary.

Like I said before, boundaries aren’t just a good idea, they are a God idea.

we must require from people the responsibility necessary to grant the amount of access we allow them to have in our lives. Too much access without the correct responsibility is detrimental.

Bottom line: God established boundaries to protect intimacy, not decimate it. And we should do the same.

When we allow a boundary to be violated, bad behavior will be validated.

Say what you mean, mean what you say, and

If peace isn’t possible in the current circumstances in a relationship, then we must strive to find peace with that person by changing the circumstances or changing the relationship.

As we better grieve the sorrows, we will soon receive our tomorrows with a little more healing and a lot more life.

We are powerless to stop grief from happening. It will visit us all in various forms and for many different reasons. But the absolute commonality for all grief is the disappointment and pain that accompanies it. We mourn what will not be. But even more so we mourn what imperfection and sin has done to all of us. We all contribute to the reasons there is so much pain in this world. We all hurt others. We all fall short in the roles and responsibilities we carry. We all cause grief. We all carry grief. But the good news is, we don’t have to be consumed by our grief. Isaiah 53:2–6 is very comforting to me when I remember that I don’t carry all this grief alone. Jesus bore our grief—both the grief we cause and the grief we endure. And He provides healing and hope for us all.

MATTHEW 5:39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.

God’s love isn’t based on me. It’s simply placed on me. And it’s the place from which I should live  . . . loved.”1

Your light exposes something inside of them they’d rather keep hidden in the darkness. So, of course, it’s offensive to them. It’s painful to feel exposed. It’s only natural for them to lash out, but they are just trying to turn off the light as quickly as possible. It’s not a personal attack against you (although it will certainly feel excruciatingly personal at times). It’s an attempt by that other person to protect whatever illegitimate ways they are getting their legitimate needs met.

It’s immaturity that creates the crazy-making effect of causing you to doubt reality, second guess what is true, and get yourself so off-kilter you stop addressing what obviously needs to be talked about. Another person’s immaturity will always be felt by a mature person. You may not be able to put your finger on it, but you will ask, “What’s going on here?” The person may be extremely intelligent and successful and even quote Bible verses left and right but lack emotional maturity. That doesn’t mean we should leverage this in judgmental or demeaning ways against them. Remember, but for the grace of God, we could be doing some of the same things they are. We don’t want to grow hard, angry, or develop an attitude of superiority when setting boundaries. We must stay humble and surrendered to Jesus in this process. So, let them have their own journey and revelation. Be wise with setting and keeping your boundaries and remember that you don’t have to stay in the same place the other person is in. And use these insights to help you become more aware of what’s at play, so you don’t keep feeling like the crazy one and discounting your discernment.

One of the things that surprised me while I was studying Scripture is the connection between emotions and sobriety. Most of the time we simply think of sobriety as saying no to substances that make us lose control. But having a sober mind can also be an instruction not to let ourselves get out of control with our emotions as well. Let’s look at 1 Peter 5:8 (ESV): “Be sober-minded; be watchful.” This verse is giving us two responses that are important to keep in mind. First being “sober-minded” and second being “watchful.” The NIV uses the word alert. What is Peter addressing here? It’s anxiety. In verse 7 (ESV) Peter instructs us to cast “all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” And then in the second half of verse 8, after “Be sober-minded; be watchful,” the verse continues, “Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” (ESV). Peter is telling us what to do with our anxiety. We are to cast it on the Lord. And we are to be alert and sober-minded. God has a part, and we have a part.

Peter reminds us that while it is true that God wants us to give Him our anxiety, we also have a responsibility to stay clear-headed and pay attention to what is affecting and triggering our emotions. Here’s what I don’t see in this passage about dealing with anxiety: passivity.

A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” And Colossians 4:6 says, “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” This doesn’t mean we don’t say the hard things or set boundaries. It means we recognize we want conflict resolution instead of conflict escalation.

That’s why we have to work through these things and grow into a maturity enabling us to use restraint. Mature people can disagree but still respect the sanity of the other person. Mature people are willing to see the impact their actions are having on the other person and make reasonable adjustments. Or, if they are unwilling to adjust, mature people at least communicate their unwillingness and acknowledge that the relationship may need to change significantly. They do all of this without accusing, abusing, or losing it.

The feeling of anxiety is like an alarm bell alerting us to remember the Lord is near, so we don’t have to overreact; we can let the peace of God protect our hearts and minds, and intentionally direct and filter our thoughts, factoring in what is still good. And keep putting into practice these good principles.