Lmao Quotes

I hate when couples fight and change their status to 'single' when they're still together and are just mad at one another. Do you see me changing my status to 'orphan' after I fight with my parents?

You know when you feel really bad and someone says, "Suck it up"? This only makes me want to break their legs and tell them to "Walk it off".

You're on a road show with your penis, and trust me, I'm the last person who wants to get in your way. But I'm telling you, operation occupy-my-vagina is a no-go for the evening.

Jasper: I don’t like talking to people. Sloane: You talk to me. Jasper: You’re not people. Sloane: Lmao. What am I then? Jasper: My person.

Sneak out." He shrugged, as if that should have been a no-brainer. But that was easy for him to say. He was dead. What else could they do to him, take away his birthday?

You flambe one car and now you think every song with fire is about you," Logan says. "Get over yourself, Catalano.

Most men dress like shit, you see. I’ve had them turn up to shoots in cargo shorts and ask what’s wrong with what they’re wearing and I’m literally, like, lmao.

Big Titty Liddy was not very pretty, but her bosom was big as a barn. Her creamery knockers drove men off their rockers, but she was blind to their charms

My hands wrapped around his waist, traveling up the broad expanse of his back, mooth and hard, and... "Give it a rest, already," Tod snapped from somewhere behind his brother. "It already smells like sex in here, and you're both still dressed. You have no idea how messed up that is.

You are an intriguing combination, half child, half seductress, half angel." I laughed sort and bitterly. "That's what all men like to think about women. Little girls they have to take care of--when I know for a fact it is the male who is more boy than man.

Fuckin' wit a madman in a bad mood It's like fuckin' wit a mad dog that wasn't fed food

Jasper: I don’t like talking to people. Sloane: You talk to me. Jasper: You’re not people. Sloane: Lmao. What am I then? Jasper: My person.

I slipped the acres of pink taffeta over my head and struggled to get it zipped. What had originally been a dress from the Little House on the Prairie collection was now straight out of the Little Whore-house on the Prairie collection.

Music social foul: no singing a song when another song is playing. Double music social foul: don't ever fucking sing anything while Pink Floyd is playing. What's wrong with you?

I’m not Grisha. I’m a mapmaker. I’m not even a very good mapmaker.

You like my forearms? No, not yours in particular. I mean, they're fine. Just, it's a sexy body part. I totally agree. I just didn't know girls liked them too. Oh, yes, Daniel. All girls like forearms. Every single one. No really, I've asked all of us and we all agree. We don't even agree about whether or not the long arm of the law should be able to reach into our vaginas, but we agree about forearms.

I follow her progress, terrified, wondering if this is motherhood: anxiously picturing your child with her skull cracked open.

I sit down wanting to write the great lesbian love story, but wacko bitches just keep coming out.

I need to stop saying LMAO because that is precisely what's happening; I wish I could rewind time by two decades, immortalize my derriere in wax, and then kiss it goodbye.

What can I say? Life’s no bed of roses For a kid who’s different, A kid with horns. A bed of roses? LMAO!

Boys are like toilet paper. You rip them off, use them to wipe your ass, and then flush them down the toilet.

As the class went through the Greeks and the Romans and the Renaissance painters, (who were easy enough to remember if you’d ever seen Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) there was more dick on display than in a locker room.

Are you starting your period? It’s not your time.

Just relax. Close your eyes. Think about me. Naked. Ahh, no. that will keep you awake and horny. Sorry.

I truly, deeply, fucking hate you I know right!!! lmao same

Lmao I wish I could freeze this moment, right here, right now and live in it forever.

Someone else tweets a photo of me taken off my Instagram paired with a photo of Scarlett Johansson, captioned: Corporate wants you to find the differences between these two images LMAO.

Timmy put his head to the floor, nose to nose with Thumper. Thumper opened her eyes and gave the kid a lick. Timmy licked her back. “Don’t lick the dog,” I said. “She did it first.” “Yeah, but she cleans her butt with that tongue. Presumably, you don’t.” -Jason & 4yoa nephew Timmy

From Hunayn ibn-Ishak (Diogenes,8), we learn about his view of women and education: when he saw a man teaching a girl how to read and write, he advised him not to make a bad thing even worse.

I am so dying to know what cookies are slang for.” “Probably his cock,” Jacob plopped down on the arm of the couch. “Oh my God,” I said, taking a handful of chips. I needed the calorie fortitude for where this conversation was heading. Brittany nodded. “Makes sense then. I mean, with the whole not sharing cookies with ugly girls.” “I don’t think he really meant that,” I said, popping a chip in my mouth. “So, back to our history notes…” “Fuck history. Back to Cam’s cock.” Jacob said. “Do you know, if cookies is a code word for cock, then that means his cock was in your mouth.

Opposite Willem that afternoon is a Thom Gunn poem: "Their relationship consisted / In discussing if it existed." Underneath, someone has written in black market, "Dont worry man I cant get no pussy either.

And if we really want to stay current and relevant, we have to use social media. And by that I mean Facebook. There are one billion people on Facebook. Maybe older people should have our own social media. We can call it What Did That Doctor Do to Your Face Book? In fact, we can have our own text and Facebook abbreviations. We can have our own WTF, LOL, and LMAO. GNIB: Good news, it’s benign. OMG: Oh, my gout. DMMLIMNWD: Don’t make me laugh, I’m not wearing Depends. WAI: Where am I? ITIHSBCR: I think I had sex but can’t remember. ILI: I like Ike. TKDC: The kids didn’t call. DTLSTY: Does this look swollen to you? CTDMELOFM: Call the doctor—my erection lasted over four minutes. PAMUHNASIHSB: Put a mirror under his nose and see if he’s still breathing. Bottom line: we can’t be dial-up in a Wi-Fi world.

RubyMars: Have you heard anything else about when you’re leaving for good? AHall80: Not yet, but everything seems to be on schedule. Should be about 8 weeks. The longest 8 weeks of my life. RubyMars: I’m sure. AHall80: I want a shitty, greasy, deep dish pizza like you can’t imagine. I can already taste it. AHall80: A hot shower… a real bed… AC everywhere… RubyMars: Clean clothes? AHall80: Clean clothes. Clean socks. No sand. RubyMars: Clean underwear. RubyMars: No sand? I thought you were planning on going to the beach? AHall80: The beach is different. There’s water. It isn’t just desert and more desert. RubyMars: I guess that makes sense. RubyMars: My brother said once that his goal is to never see sand in his life again. AHall80: For real. RubyMars: What I didn’t finish saying was that he said that, but he’s gone to Cancun twice with his boyfriend, LOL. AHall80: It’s different. I’m over this sand shit. AHall80: Never again RubyMars: Does that mean you’re dead set on not re-enlisting? AHall80: … RubyMars: Whatever you want. I’m not judging. We don’t have to talk about it. AHall80: It’s not that I don’t want to talk about it… RubyMars: But you don’t want to talk about it. AHall80: :] Basically. RubyMars: I’ll change the subject then. RubyMars: Have you gone #2 lately? AHall80: Three days ago. RubyMars: Are you joking? AHall80: I wish. RubyMars: AARON AHall80: I know. I KNOW. RubyMars: Does it hurt? AHall80: Uh, when it comes out? RubyMars: Omg RubyMars: Aaron RubyMars: I meant your stomach. RubyMars: Does your stomach hurt? RubyMars: I can’t breathe RubyMars: Or type RubyMars: I didn’t mean your… rectum. RubyMars: Aaron? RubyMars: Aaron? RubyMars: Are you there? RubyMars: AARON? AHall80: You’re not the only one who couldn’t breathe or type. RubyMars: LMAO I’m crying. AHall80: me too AHall80: me too RubyMars: I mean… you can tell me if your butt hurts too, I guess. AHall80: Ruby, stop RubyMars: Seriously. You can tell me. I won’t judge. RubyMars: It happens. RubyMars: I think. AHall80: Stop RubyMars: I can’t breathe AHall80: I don’t know when the last time I laughed so hard was. AHall80: Everyone is looking at me wondering wtf happened. RubyMars: Your rectum happened AHall80: BYE RubyMars: I can’t stop laughing AHall80: You’re never hearing from me again RubyMars: There are tears coming out of my eyes. AHall80: Bye. I’ll write you again when I find my balls. RubyMars: It was nice knowing you. AHall80: BYE

In the cramped confines of the toilet I had trouble getting out of my wet trousers, which clung to my legs like a drowning man. The new ones were quite complicated too in that they had more legs than a spider; either that or they didn't have enough legs to get mine into. The numbers failed to add up. Always there was one trouser leg too many or one of my legs was left over. From the outside it may have looked like a simple toilet, but once you were locked in here the most basic rules of arithmetic no longer held true.

Same frfr

Do you want to sit down?” She perched her butt on the edge of his desk, remembering alittle too late that she wasn’t wearing any underwear. Easton levelled her with a cold expression. “On a chair, Carter.” “Right.

It had been Hero who’d given me his cell number and told me that he owed me one and to call if I needed anything. Getting an IOU from a thirteen-year-old had been wild—what was he going to give me, a box of cookies and a Playstation?

Sloane: So talk to her. Jasper: I don’t like talking to people. Sloane: You talk to me. Jasper: You’re not people. Sloane: Lmao. What am I then? Jasper: My person.

Brandt was in a room full of people all looking at him as he was about to get naked...When Brandt’s cock sprung free, there was a gasp from all corners of the room. Nestor fanned himself. Bryce’s mouth made a perfect “O” in exactly the right shape to fit over a beautiful, plump cockhead. Donnelly just stared, blinked hard, and stared some more. “What? You guys all look like you’ve never seen a dick before,” Brandt said, a touch of defensive anger in his voice. “Honey, I thought I had, but I have been most cruelly misled,” answered Bryce. --Dressing room incident #3

.....I can imagine. You never listen, and your mouth has no emergency brakes.

I’ll pass on California,” I laughed drily. “Too hot for me.” “You can handle me, I’m sure you can handle any amount of hotness.

I'm just your scratchcard. You can put me in your wallet to make sure that I'm dead, if I don't scream my lungs out and spill my heart with it.

Society peaked when gamecube was introduced. Obama, I think...

She had a conversation with a man with a beard, and youre saying she hangs around graveyards at night and bags off with the undead?

CaulkyAF: LMAO, I AM a good fuck, how’d you know? Rebound: Fucky guess

Jasper: Sunny. Be less cool. Come save me. The waitress keeps trying to talk to me. Sloane: So talk to her. Jasper: I don’t like talking to people. Sloane: You talk to me. Jasper: You’re not people. Sloane: Lmao. What am I then? Jasper: My person.

Jasper: Sunny. Be less cool. Come save me. The waitress keeps trying to talk to me. Sloane: So talk to her. Jasper: I don’t like talking to people. Sloane: You talk to me. Jasper: You’re not people. Sloane: Lmao. What am I then? Jasper: My person.

Jasper: I don’t like talking to people. Sloane: You talk to me. Jasper: You’re not people. Sloane: Lmao. What am I then? Jasper: My person.

LMAO!

Her mate had a girlfriend. Or at least he was sexually active. Or … just really into people swinging from the ceiling? She didn’t understand what the weird text was about. Maybe it was a settlement thing. Maybe the ceiling-swinging was a settlement thing too.

Much to the embarrassment of my mother, I walked in doing my own zaghrouta. (lmao)

Enough.” Tavias’s words come through clenched teeth and are barely audible. “I don’t care how you two actually feel about one another, but the moment we step off this ship, you are nothing but devoted. Quinton wants nothing more than to protect Kit with his life, and Kit dreams of bearing Quinton’s pups. Thirty-five of them. Am I making myself clear?

It… I... made a bond." I’d think this new contrite side of him adorable if I did not have a gripping sensation that he just turned the whole rutting world on its ears. "What kind of bond?" "Claiming." "Claiming what? Me? For what?" My head starts to spin. Quinton needs to get to the point. My bite mark heats and tingles as if it knows we are talking about it. Or maybe it is my mind playing tricks on me. "For me." Quinton runs his hands over his face and when he meets my eyes, his again brim with apology. "I claimed you. I bonded us together." "Like… siblings?" The bite mark flares, offended. For stars’ sake,” Quinton snaps. “Mates, Kitterny. I claimed you as a mate.

be myself, what kind of garbage advice is that?

Ah! I knew there had to be something weird about it. So, even your ass eats organic? Picky little thing, it is. Carly: OMG! You’re nuts. Josh: My nuts are gluten free. Carly: Josh! LMAO

His accent... British but crisper.

Sloane: Lmao. What am I then? Jasper: My person.

I never reply with LOL (laugh out loud) as most people seem to do these days. Or PMSL (piss myself laughing), LMAO (laugh my arse off) or ROFL (roll on floor laughing). I don’t use these abbreviations, as I don’t know the order that they should go in. Does laughing your arse off rank higher than pissing your pants? I’ve never had a reaction like that to any joke to be honest. I’ve ROFC (rolled on floor crying) with kidney stones, but I don’t laugh that much. When I do, it’s normally at things that you shouldn’t laugh at.

His urbane hauteur had given way to a genuinely angry expression. Evidently he didn’t appreciate having his well-laid plans compromised by an unexpected influx of walking corpses. To be fair, who did?

Startup hopeful talking about his app: "You know about angry birds right?", "yes", I said. "It's like angry birds except there are no birds and nobody is angry". LMAO!

I hate fighting. I’m sensitive and, frankly, not good at it. If the consequence of bickering online means I’ve got to spend the afternoon feeling bad because a kid I don’t remember from high school called me a “fat-ass Kelly Price” over a Reductress article, please murder me. And if my tweets get on your goddamn nerves: BLOCK ME FIRST. Kill me with your powerful brain! There are too many places in real life where blocking is not a viable option to tolerate someone ruining your secret lives online. You can’t block the coworker who won’t stop fucking talking while loitering nearby as you’re just trying to put half-and-half in your breakroom coffee, but you can block that friend of a friend who says shit like, “I’m not prejudiced, I don’t care if a person is purple or green or blue.” LMAO, blue people???? SHUT THE FUCK UP. You can’t delete the neighbor whose eyesore of a car is parked halfway across your driveway and whose cat keeps shitting on your deck, but you can delete your cousin who earnestly believes that rap music is reverse racism and vehemently comments as much on every Kendrick Lamar video you share. There’s no mute button for the woman at the grocery store who won’t stop asking you where the shampoo is, even though you’re pushing your

Ayy, lmao.

Bestfriend: Girl, let me borrow some pussy. Me: Huh? Bestfriend: If yo’ pussy make a nigga drop money like that on a ring, hoe share. TF. Don’t be stingy. I’m trying to get me a good man, too, Savannah. Me: You is real sick in the head, lmao. But you my bestie, and I’m going to stick beside you. Bestfriend: You better, because we are stuck together for life. I love you, Tylee. Congratulations on your engagement. Me: I’m glad you know it. Thank you, Whitney. I love you more.

You’re fucking disgusting. You love being fucked by my cock. I bet you had a fucking lisp as a child. I bet you had occupational issues that made it hard for you to hold a pencil.