Liz Fosslien Quotes

Work provides us with a sense of purpose and can offer instant gratification in the form of praise, raises, and promotions. But the more we tie who we are to what we do, the more we emotionally attach to our jobs.

Success depends on psychological safety. At Google, members of teams with high levels of psychological safety were less likely to leave their jobs, brought in more revenue, and were rated effective twice as often by executives. MIT researchers who studied team performance came to the same conclusion: simply grouping smart people together doesn’t guarantee a smart team. Online and off, the best teams discuss ideas frequently, do not let one person dominate the conversation, and are sensitive to one another’s feelings.

We don’t resist change,” organizational psychologist Dr. Laura Gallaher told us. “We resist loss.

The key to success is practice, which involves errors, failure, and asking questions. It’s far better to share an early draft and get feedback

Every person on a team knows something that no one else knows. That’s why teams exist: you need more than one person’s set of ideas and skills to solve a problem.

When we keep everything we’re feeling bottled up, we suffer in silence—and miss out on the chance to connect with others and to let them support us.

A great way to make critiques generative is to ask people to share ideas that are either quick fixes, small steps that make a meaningful impact, or a way to rethink the entire thing.

Create psychological safety by encouraging open discussion, answering questions without condescension, and making it okay to take risks and admit mistakes. Don’t shy away from task conflict. Instead, create structures that prevent creative clashes from becoming personal. For relationship conflict, listen to the other person and calmly share your perspective. Get rid of (or if you can’t, contain) bad apples to preserve psychological safety on your team.

Your plans and answers don’t need to be highly detailed, so avoid getting swept up in analysis paralysis. The goal is just to build your confidence in the idea that you would be able to handle the situation.

Psychologists who study stress have identified three primary factors that make us feel awful: a lack of control, unpredictability, and the perception that things are getting worse.[4] In other words: uncertainty.

Constant happiness is unattainable (or at least we have yet to experience it personally). We usually describe ourselves as “happy” when we get more than we already had or when we find out we are a little better off than those around us. Neither of these are permanent states. Contentedness, on the other hand, can be more emotionally stable. The most content people craft their ups and downs into redemption stories: something bad happened, but something good resulted.

You need to learn to navigate two main types of conflict: task conflict (the clash of creative ideas) and relationship conflict (personality-driven arguments). Task and relationship conflict are often related: it’s hard not to take disagreement over ideas personally.

Instead of beating yourself up for feeling anxious or for not knowing what will come next, reframe the situation. When we tell ourselves, “I am a person who is learning to ______,” instead of “I can’t do this” or “I need to have this all figured out already,” we start to see ourselves as empowered agents of change.

While big feelings are uncomfortable—at times they can even feel unbearable—they aren’t inherently positive or negative. When we take the time to understand them, big feelings like anger and regret can serve us. Anger can fuel us to advocate for what matters. And regret can provide us with insight into how to craft a more meaningful

If we know what the bad thing is, we can plan for it. But when we don’t know what’s going to happen, we spiral.

While perfectionism can show up in many small, private ways, it tends to present along similar lines of all-or-nothing thinking:

Studies of day-to-day conversations show that people talk about regret more than any other emotion except love, and that regret is the uncomfortable emotion we feel most often.[4]

It’s also impossible to talk about big feelings without acknowledging that structural forces matter. A lot.

Focus less on your own importance and more on those around you.

The most content people craft their ups and downs into redemption stories: something bad happened, but something good resulted

When you think of your childhood, what meal comes to mind and why?

The best way to navigate potential conflict is to preemptively create structures that help communicate preferences and work styles.

Not belonging or a sense of isolation is among the strongest predictors of turnover.

The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.

A family friend also reminded her that life has one deadline: when you die. Every other marker or timeline is something you set up for yourself.

While big feelings are uncomfortable—at times they can even feel unbearable—they aren’t inherently positive or negative. When we take the time to understand them, big feelings like anger and regret can serve us.

This person has beliefs, perspectives, and opinions, just like me. This person has hopes, anxieties, and vulnerabilities, just like me. This person wants to feel respected, appreciated, and competent, just like me.

(turns out competent jerks are like five-inch heels—we think we’ll find a use for them, but then we decide they’re too painful). And with good reason: working with jerks leaves us anxious, depressed, and unable to sleep.

Psychologist Nick Wignall schedules five to fifteen minutes every day to write down all his anxieties. He then highlights everything that is (1) an actual problem, (2) urgent (it must be done in the next day or two), and (3) within his control.

Focus less on your own importance and more on those around you. Compassion helps us become resilient: it improves our immune response, reduces our stress levels, and is associated with the pleasure networks in our brains. One way to practice compassion is to ask a colleague, “What’s on your mind and how can I help?” Of course, if you consistently put someone else’s needs ahead of your own, you’ll eventually be utterly drained and resentful. Make sure you’re aware of your emotional limits to avoid compassion fatigue.

When you’re stuck in a regret rut, it’s easy to spiral through all the things you should have done differently. The more vividly you imagine what could have happened, the stronger your emotional response will be. Psychologists call this emotional amplification.

Perfectionism is often context-specific. You might feel pressure to present perfectly in social situations, or you might have job-based perfectionism. In short, even if your house is messy or you haven’t been promoted in the last six months, you still might be struggling with perfectionist tendencies.

We can try to control the uncontrollable by looking for security and predictability,” writes Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön, “always hoping to be comfortable and safe. But the truth is that we can never avoid uncertainty. This not-knowing is part of the adventure.”[8] And precisely what makes us anxious.

During a difficult conversation, calmly address your feelings without making assumptions. Be aware of communication tendencies to better understand the intention behind someone’s words. Make criticism specific and actionable. Ask the recipient how they prefer to receive feedback. Emotionally proofread what you write before hitting Send.

Caring too much about a job is unhelpful and unhealthy. It makes small problems seem exceptional and throwaway remarks feel appalling. And it’s not only leaders or women or Virgos who care too much: it’s possible to be overly attached to any job at any level. That’s why we came up with the first new rule of emotion at work: Be less passionate about your job.

Researchers differentiate between strategic optimists and defensive pessimists (like Liz): strategic optimists envision best possible outcomes and try to make them happen whereas defensive pessimists tend to focus on what could go wrong and then work hard to avoid those situations. In studies, these groups perform equally well except when defensive pessimists are forced to cheer up.

To break the cycle, start setting what psychologists call approach goals (achieving a positive) instead of avoidance goals (preventing a negative). For example, if you’re going to give a presentation at work, say to yourself, “I want to impress people with my compelling storytelling” (approach goal) rather than “I want to avoid looking like I don’t know what I’m doing” (avoidance goal).

Perfectionism gives us a sense of control, which can offer short-term emotional relief. We tell ourselves that if we do everything right, we can avoid rejection and abuse. Psychologists refer to this as magical thinking, when we believe that one thing causes another when there isn’t an obvious link. But, of course, perfect is impossible. And no matter what you do in life, bad things might still happen.

Be kind; emotions are contagious, which means your actions can have a positive influence on your entire organization’s emotional culture. Create a culture of belonging through microactions: say “hello,” invite people into conversations, or help a new hire meet others. Share stories about who you are, not what you do, and invite others to do the same. Don’t ignore the emotional burdens your colleagues may carry.

Recognize that listening to your feelings is not the same as acting on your feelings. Keep relevant emotions (those related to the decision you’re facing); toss irrelevant emotions (those unrelated to the decision you’re facing). Do not rely on emotion when deciding whether or not to hire a candidate. Use structured interviews to reduce biased hiring decisions. Before an external negotiation, come to an inner consensus.

Take the break you can, whether it’s a vacation, a day off, or a minibreak. Make time to be rigorously unproductive, see friends and family, and step away from your email and phone. Stop feeling bad about feeling bad. Reframe your stress as motivation or excitement. Prevent rumination by viewing your thoughts as simply thoughts, not as inevitable truths. Stay in the present and take care of the things within your control.

Show vulnerability when assessing a difficult situation, but present a clear path forward. Become a student of the people you manage: avoid telling people what to feel, listen carefully, and manage individually. Prioritize yourself and seek support from other leaders to avoid emotional leaks that negatively affect your reports. Understand the challenges you and others may face in leadership positions and take steps to reduce them.

anger is evolution’s way of telling us “Do something about this!” When you feel yourself getting angry, “that’s automatic, you cannot control that,” explains neuroscientist R. Douglas Fields. “Your unconscious mind has taken in enormous amounts of data and has determined that you are in a situation that is threatening and is preparing you to respond physically. . . . The only way this circuitry communicates to our awareness is through emotion.”[4] Think of anger as a nonspecific alarm intended to move you out of harm’s way.

WHAT EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW ABOUT YOU: What are some honest, unfiltered things about you? What drives you nuts? What are your quirks? What qualities do you particularly value in people who work with you? What are some things that people might misunderstand about you that you should clarify? HOW TO WORK WITH YOU: What’s the best way to communicate with you? What hours do we want to work together? Where and how do we want to work? (Same room, what kinds of meetings, what kinds of file sharing?) What are our goals for this team? What are our concerns about this team? How will we make decisions? What types of decisions need consensus? How will we deal with conflict? How do we want to give and receive feedback? (One-on-one, in a group, informally, or during a specified time each week—like at a retrospective?)

By ignoring our feelings at work, we overlook important data and risk making preventable mistakes. We send emails that cause unnecessary anxiety, we fail to find work meaningful, and we burn out.

Generally speaking, perfectionism is an unrealistic drive to be flawless, combined with intense negative self-talk.

Worse, when we pretend we can brush it aside, anger tends to fester into an even bigger and more difficult emotion, like resentment or hatred.

Sadness How it affects you: When we’re sad, we see the glass as half empty. Emotional funks make us overestimate the chances of something bad happening to us. We set lower expectations for ourselves and are more likely to pick the option that gives us something now instead of tomorrow. But feeling down in the dumps can also make us more likely to take the time to carefully think through

In 2005, psychologists Gordon Flett and Paul Hewitt set out to determine how perfectionism affects performance.[1] Their discovery? It makes a big difference, but not in the way you might expect. Looking at professional athletes, they found that people who displayed more perfectionist tendencies became overly concerned with their mistakes. Their fear of failure undermined their potential and made them do worse compared with their peers.[

Thomas S. Greenspon, author of Moving Past Perfect, told us. “Across jobs, the most successful people are less likely to be perfectionists. That’s because the anxiety about making mistakes gets in your way.”[

Let go or get dragged.

While big feelings are uncomfortable—at times they can even feel unbearable—they aren’t inherently positive or negative. When we take the time to understand them, big feelings like anger and regret can serve us. Anger can fuel us to advocate for what matters. And regret can provide us with insight into how to craft a more meaningful life.

Take care of yourself before you’re completely fried Figure out whether you’re overextended, disengaged, or feeling ineffective If you’re overextended, get comfortable living at 80 percent and say no more often If you’re disengaged, seek connection and craft a more meaningful schedule If you feel ineffective, find ways to achieve clear wins and realign your life with your values If you feel all three, detach your worth from your work and embrace “garbage time

Research shows that we tend to compare our weaknesses with other people’s strengths. When you compare more comprehensively, things start to feel more attainable.

In Set Boundaries, Find Peace, Nedra Glover Tawwab writes, “People don’t know what you want. It’s your job to make it clear. Clarity saves relationships.”[

Never compare your inside with someone else’s outside. Hugh MacLeod

We love writer Jenna Wortham’s advice: “Remember that other people’s urgency is not your emergency.”[

We tend to be too confident about our ability to predict the future. Behavioral scientists have shown that we’re overly optimistic about things we want to happen, we notice immediate changes but tend to overlook longer-term shifts, and we overemphasize the importance of new information that fits into our existing beliefs.

So while it’s normal to fret in the face of uncertainty, your emotional reaction might be disproportionate to reality. Not knowing is the worst. But it can be useful to say to yourself, “The fact that I’m worried about the future doesn’t guarantee that the future will be bad.

focus on two things: decreasing the amount of risk we expect and boosting our belief that we can handle uncertainty. This takes practice, but over time, you can feel more confident and start to see uncertainty as less overwhelming.

Instead of making busyness a barrier to your anxiety, stop, acknowledge it, and sit with it. We even encourage you to honor it. After all, it’s trying to protect you from something. “If you’re too comfortable with uncertainty,” psychology professor Kate Sweeny explains, “then you won’t work to resolve it—and many more bad things could happen.

To gently surface the stories driving your sky-high heart rate, ask yourself: What am I afraid of? What do I imagine could happen? How exactly would each of those scenarios look and feel?

To make sure you’re not creating even more anxiety for yourself, we encourage you to also ask: Is there evidence for my fear, or am I making assumptions? What is the probability that my worst case materializes? What’s the best-case scenario? What’s most likely to happen?

There’s often a mismatch between how stressed we feel about something happening and the likelihood that that thing will happen.

The next time your mind starts racing with thoughts about a beyond, give your feelings a one-word label. Resisting. Catastrophizing. Spinning. By recognizing and naming your thought patterns, you can stop yourself from getting caught up in them so completely.

Remembering that you were able to cope before can help you see that you’ll be able to do it again. Too often, our self-narrative in the face of uncertainty is “I can’t do this. I’m weak and pathetic. I deserve to feel bad about myself” (actual train of thought from Liz). By reminding yourself that you’ve gotten through all your hardest days so far, you can more easily shift to thinking, “I’m not sure what will happen, but I’ll be okay. I know I can handle it.

When we start to view ourselves as constantly learning and improving, we adopt what psychologists call a growth mind-set. A growth mind-set lets us see uncertain territory as an opportunity to learn something new.

While you can’t accurately predict the future, you can increase your confidence that you’ll be able to get through whatever life throws at you. Successfully navigating change is not about trusting the world; it’s about trusting yourself.

By obsessing too much over getting it exactly right, we undermine our ability to succeed. When high achievers mess up, they see it as a learning experience, course-correct, and move on. Perfectionists get stuck, revisiting even the smallest mistake over and over and making themselves feel terrible about even trying at all. This is called the perfection paradox: we’re so afraid of failing that we have a hard time doing.[14]

People who feel the need to be perfect tend to be all-or-nothing thinkers. Either you’re the best at something or it was a waste of time; either you hit your goal or you didn’t make any progress at all. Perfectionists often give up when even the smallest thing goes wrong.

Perfectionists tend to feel like they’re not full people. It’s fine for others to make mistakes, because those individuals are worthy. “But not me,” perfectionists think. “I need to prove I’m deserving of love.

Even if you grew up in a loving and supportive environment, you still may have received messages that focused on the value of achievement.

Additionally, many people are afraid of not knowing what to say when a loved one is in despair. But research shows that having open, nonjudgmental conversations in which family or friends can voice those fears, tell the person they care about them, and leave space for them to share their honest state of mind makes it less likely they’ll act on those thoughts.

Some psychologists believe that we have three selves: The actual self—who you are right now The ideal self—the truest, most fulfilled version of you The ought self—the you that would check off all of society’s boxes[5]

strategic optimists and defensive pessimists

But the downside to more collaboration is more conflict.

Get comfortable with being rigorously unproductive once in a while. Being at rest for a time is not the same as wasting time: when you cut yourself a little slack, you’ll be more focused and creative when you get back to work.

Research shows that if we view talent as fixed (“I’m not a numbers person” or “I’m not creative”), we become easily discouraged by mistakes and are less motivated to make an effort.

But the best way to decide what to learn is to take a step back and figure out why you want to learn. What do you want to accomplish?

Start a side project. Side projects are a great way to engage a different set of muscles than those you use at work and can be one of the most rewarding ways to learn a new skill.

If you feel unmotivated at your job, it’s time for some tough love: you’ve probably given up on learning.

The opportunity to level up is largely driven by you, by what you choose to absorb, by who you choose to learn from.

Why is it that when we think of professionalism, we immediately jump to the idea that we should suppress everything we feel?

But real achievement at work requires going one step beyond emotional intelligence: you need to learn to be reasonably emotional. This means matching how you communicate your feelings to the specific situation. To do that, you need emotional fluency—the capacity to productively sense emotion, and to know how and when to translate what you feel into healthy action.

But the nature of work is to experience setbacks and to show up when you’re needed, even if you don’t feel like it.

We put constant pressure on ourselves to always be our best and then feel exhausted when we fail to live up to this unrealistic standard. And when we depend on our bosses for validation, the smallest bit of critical feedback starts to feel like a rejection of our entire selves.

If you’re on a psychologically unsafe team, take care of your mental well-being and focus on what you can control.

No amount of time, talent, or money will save you if you let relationship conflict hijack a discussion.

Suggest a bad ideas brainstorm.

In the moments when you’re not able to sidestep clashes between these two types, Avoiders should remember that Seekers don’t intend their comments as personal attacks or insults. And Seekers should remind themselves that confrontational debate might shut down input from others.

After all, anticipation and regret let us narrow down our set of choices and make better decisions. Envy can be an internal compass that reveals what we value. Gratitude and a sense of purpose give us the willpower to come into the office on dreary Monday mornings.

Try the 10/5 rule that the Ritz-Carlton trains its staff to follow: when employees walk within ten feet of someone, they make eye contact and smile. If they walk within five feet, they say hello.

Most of us vastly underestimate the size and scope of the emotional needs we bring to the office.

That’s because the future of work is emotional. No scripts exist for our most difficult professional interactions.

What if our “authentic self” is overwhelmed and anxious—should we be open about these feelings?

We send emails that cause unnecessary anxiety, we fail to find work meaningful, and we burn out.

Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.

Take a night off: Scheduling leisure time throughout the workweek is just as important as taking vacation—and often easier to swing. When the Boston Consulting Group instituted a predictable time off (PTO) policy that gave each member of a six-person team one weeknight off a week, employees became happier, more relaxed, and less likely to quit. Team members also learned to be more mindful of one another’s well-being. “Even if we were working hard,” noted one consultant, “we were still looking out for each other to make sure that people were not getting burned out.

Studies show when we mathematize our experiences—by tracking our steps or measuring miles hiked—we don’t enjoy them as much.

The busier we are, the more important we feel. We consider ourselves tougher and more dedicated than our lazier colleagues. Work provides us with a sense of purpose and can offer instant gratification in the form of praise, raises, and promotions. But the more we tie who we are to what we do, the more we emotionally attach to our jobs. We put constant pressure on ourselves to always be our best and then feel exhausted when we fail to live up to this unrealistic standard. And when we depend on our bosses for validation, the smallest bit of critical feedback starts to feel like a rejection of our entire selves.