Kinky Funny Quotes

We've searched our database for all the quotes and captions related to Kinky Funny. Here they are! All 22 of them:

I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.
Kinky Friedman
If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong.
Kinky Friedman
I can’t have sex with you today because there aren’t enough spoons.
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
First, I’m going to teach you how to Irish Whip someone.” “Oh, that sounds kinky. I want my safeword to be peaches,” I said, grinning.
Kyle Adams (Prize Package)
Do you know about the spoons? Because you should. The Spoon Theory was created by a friend of mine, Christine Miserandino, to explain the limits you have when you live with chronic illness. Most healthy people have a seemingly infinite number of spoons at their disposal, each one representing the energy needed to do a task. You get up in the morning. That’s a spoon. You take a shower. That’s a spoon. You work, and play, and clean, and love, and hate, and that’s lots of damn spoons … but if you are young and healthy you still have spoons left over as you fall asleep and wait for the new supply of spoons to be delivered in the morning. But if you are sick or in pain, your exhaustion changes you and the number of spoons you have. Autoimmune disease or chronic pain like I have with my arthritis cuts down on your spoons. Depression or anxiety takes away even more. Maybe you only have six spoons to use that day. Sometimes you have even fewer. And you look at the things you need to do and realize that you don’t have enough spoons to do them all. If you clean the house you won’t have any spoons left to exercise. You can visit a friend but you won’t have enough spoons to drive yourself back home. You can accomplish everything a normal person does for hours but then you hit a wall and fall into bed thinking, “I wish I could stop breathing for an hour because it’s exhausting, all this inhaling and exhaling.” And then your husband sees you lying on the bed and raises his eyebrow seductively and you say, “No. I can’t have sex with you today because there aren’t enough spoons,” and he looks at you strangely because that sounds kinky, and not in a good way. And you know you should explain the Spoon Theory so he won’t get mad but you don’t have the energy to explain properly because you used your last spoon of the morning picking up his dry cleaning so instead you just defensively yell: “I SPENT ALL MY SPOONS ON YOUR LAUNDRY,” and he says, “What the … You can’t pay for dry cleaning with spoons. What is wrong with you?” Now you’re mad because this is his fault too but you’re too tired to fight out loud and so you have the argument in your mind, but it doesn’t go well because you’re too tired to defend yourself even in your head, and the critical internal voices take over and you’re too tired not to believe them. Then you get more depressed and the next day you wake up with even fewer spoons and so you try to make spoons out of caffeine and willpower but that never really works. The only thing that does work is realizing that your lack of spoons is not your fault, and to remind yourself of that fact over and over as you compare your fucked-up life to everyone else’s just-as-fucked-up-but-not-as-noticeably-to-outsiders lives. Really, the only people you should be comparing yourself to would be people who make you feel better by comparison. For instance, people who are in comas, because those people have no spoons at all and you don’t see anyone judging them. Personally, I always compare myself to Galileo because everyone knows he’s fantastic, but he has no spoons at all because he’s dead. So technically I’m better than Galileo because all I’ve done is take a shower and already I’ve accomplished more than him today. If we were having a competition I’d have beaten him in daily accomplishments every damn day of my life. But I’m not gloating because Galileo can’t control his current spoon supply any more than I can, and if Galileo couldn’t figure out how to keep his dwindling spoon supply I think it’s pretty unfair of me to judge myself for mine. I’ve learned to use my spoons wisely. To say no. To push myself, but not too hard. To try to enjoy the amazingness of life while teetering at the edge of terror and fatigue.
Jenny Lawson (Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things)
I was so high, I needed a stepladder to scratch my own ass.
Kinky Friedman
Now I really feel sorry for her. Your hand is as bad as Rob’s paddle,” Cassie shuddered. “Thank you.” “I didn’t mean it as a compliment!
Breanna Hayse (Time Out (Game Plan, #2))
It will never belong in a Hallmark card, but I drove a car into a house and killed a man for you. You chained me up for days and I still wanted to come back and talk over our darkly sordid, slightly kinky, and a lot warped relationship. Face it, you're stuck with me.
Kylie Scott (Skin (Flesh, #2))
I believe you are familiar with my stance on handcuffs, shape-shifter. Particularly when you’re the one wearing them.
Nenia Campbell (Dragon Queen (Shadow Thane, #5))
Stevie: "If you think he's a lecher and all men are disgusting, why do you want me to date?" Zena: "Because, Stevie. Now and then, when the moon is full and bluish, when the galaxy is all calm and peaceful and serenity rules and even the falling stars are falling gracefully, and the wind creates a beautiful song, that's when you find one outstanding man. Kind. Loyal. Funny and smart, great in bed but not kinky. A lover in his head and in his body. A man who doesn't think as a dick-obsessed monkey with a brain the size of a testicle, but one who is thoughtful and can hold his emotions in one hand and hug you close with the other. A man who is a hunky, manly man but who can talk to you like your best girlfriend, because that's what he wants to be for you. Your best friend." (Page 44)
Cathy Lamb (Such a Pretty Face)
He looks at the bathtub, where I’m lounging like Cleo-fucking-patra. He looks at the bubbles surrounding my body like a fluffy white cloud. And then he looks at Winston. “Dude,” I blurt out. “It’s not what it looks like.” “Nope, nope, nope, I don’t want to know!” Logan throws his hands in the air and starts backing toward the door as if he accidentally walked into a lion’s den. He halts. Snatches his pants off the rack. Continues backing away. His eyes once again focus on the pink dildo two inches from my hand. I try again. “I promise you, it’s not—” “I don’t want to know.
Elle Kennedy (The Score (Off-Campus, #3))
Matias frowned.  Damn, he’d had a vision of this gorgeous woman naked?  He hadn’t thought he could despise his memory loss any more than he did, but the hits kept on coming.  Wait.  The blonde had said vision... as in the future?  “We’re fated to have sex?”  “No!”  Quinn shook her head so quickly and vehemently that her teeth all but rattled. “You sure?  You can’t seem to stay away from me.”  He looked down at their close proximity.  “I knew I should have left you to rot in the psych ward strapped to that bed.” Matias frowned.  He was having a hard time keeping up with the conversation.  “Kinky.  Or is that another dream you had starring yours truly?
Jane Cousins (To Surprise A Seer (Southern Sanctuary, #10))
Kinky!” he murmured against my lips. “Very funny, Hedley Lamarr.” He burst into pleased laughter. “No one ever gets my impressions!
Tinnean (Not My Spook! (Spy vs. Spook, #2))
This time, try to keep your hands to yourself,” Ayden whispered in my ear. “Your octopus routine could get a bit embarrassing with this crowd.” “Th—that’s not funny.” “Come on. It was a little funny. You’re smiling.” I buried my face in his chest so he couldn’t see he was right. “Now,” Blake said, “about those handcuffs. That’s just—” “Don’t say it,” Ayden warned. “Kinky.
A. Kirk (Demons at Deadnight (Divinicus Nex Chronicles, #1))
He looks at the bathtub, where I’m lounging like Cleo-fucking-patra. He looks at the bubbles surrounding my body like a fluffy white cloud. And then he looks at Winston. “Dude,” I blurt out. “It’s not what it looks like.” “Nope, nope, nope, I don’t want to know!” Logan throws his hands in the air and starts backing toward the door as if he accidentally walked into a lion’s den. He halts. Snatches his pants off the rack. Continues backing away. His eyes once again focus on the pink dildo two inches from my hand. I try again. “I promise you, it’s not—” “I don’t want to know.
Elle Kennedy (The Score (Off-Campus, #3))
Her mate had a girlfriend. Or at least he was sexually active. Or … just really into people swinging from the ceiling? She didn’t understand what the weird text was about. Maybe it was a settlement thing. Maybe the ceiling-swinging was a settlement thing too.
Jane Washington (Tourner (Ironside Academy, #2))
Limits?" he growled against Day's ear. Day didn't hesitate, his words coming out in a breathless rush. "No penetrative sex. No water sports. No blood play. No humiliation. All my results are negative, and my safeword is unicorn. You?" Jackson chuckled. Day was... something else. Something completely different than anything Jackson had encountered before. "The same?" Day stopped, leveling a serious look at Jackson. "Your safeword is unicorn too? Weird.
Onley James (Infuriating (Elite Protection Services, #4))
Come on, break the road rules with me. Live on the dark side. Step outside the box and have mind-blowing sex outside of the bedroom for once. Who knew you were so vanilla?” He side-eyes me quickly before focusing back on the road. “If I remember correctly, we had some damn hot sex up against a wall not that long ago.” “Whoa, wild child, settle down. Ten feet outside the bedroom is too crazy.
Eden Finley (Egotistical Puckboy (Puckboys, #1))
Couldn’t that be the sign of something bad?” She looked at her twin for confirmation. “Like a subdural hema-whatsit or something?” Olivia smiled. “Subdural hematoma, you mean? Not to worry, Sophie, that’s an injury you usually get from bumping your head really hard—not from having a kinky alien ménage with hot Kindred twins.” Kat crossed her arms over her chest. “Again, not funny. As if I would ever go there—they’d freaking split me in two.” “Sorry, couldn’t resist,” Liv looked like she was trying not to smile again.
Evangeline Anderson (Hunted (Brides of the Kindred, #2))
Barefoot and pregnant. After the ruckus last night, I suppose I wouldn't be all that shocked if you managed it," Elijah muttered as Stunt passed him. Stunt was officially in hell. It was like getting caught by his parents having sex. Worse...kinky sex.
Lyn Gala (Mountain Prey)
Ooh!” Willy pipes up. “Maybe he'll write a story about Santa and Mrs. Claus getting caught with their pants down with other people. If we get lucky, maybe he'll kill-” “Don't finish that sentence, elf.” “Randy, you're such a spoilsport. You can't say you haven't conjured up that scenario in your big head a time or a dozen. Continue. Maybe I'll write that story.” “No, you won't. Your idea of a good story is nothing but sex, sex, and more sex. You'd never make it through writing a chapter because you'd have to stop and jerk off a half dozen times.” “Ew! Not about Santa and Mrs. Claus. Yuck,” Willy comes back at him with a sour look on his face. “That's not even funny, Randy.
Candi Kay (Blake the Rogue Reindeer & His Cocky Human (Willy the Kinky Elf & His Bad-Ass Reindeer #3))
What are the Households like?" I asked. John laughed and said, "Some of the Masters are quite kinky!" I had never heard the word kinky, so I asked John what the word meant. John continued laughing, seemingly finding it funny that I didn't understand the term.
Young (Initiation (A Harem Boy's Saga Book 1))