Katherine Ryan Quotes

Drinking by myself/ from a lonely bartender/ missing Katherine.

Why would I run unless a killer was chasing me?

Living with audacity isn’t just about strength. I’ve learned that there’s bravery in being vulnerable, too. In the past, I’ve run from challenges, withdrawn from loved ones and cheated on partners, all because I didn’t have the courage I needed to face tough situations properly. Accepting who I used to be, admitting I was wrong and apologising for the mistakes I’ve made hasn’t been easy, but you’ve got to forgive yourself and fix up if you want to move forward. I love the wild child who still exists in my stand-up and is woven through my writing. I tried to kill her a hundred thousand times before accepting that the angry-baby-musical-theatre-kid-weirdo is not only an inescapable part of who I am, but that it’s maybe the best part. She’s certainly got the most unique tools and is probably the entire reason I’ve been able to pursue this incredible life authentically. Having

as the school bully for long enough to know when insults were being flung around. She blocked them all out. This was the happiest day of her life and if some piece of shit out-of-towners couldn’t be happy for her then what the hell did she care. It was her day. Her’s and David’s. In a state of advanced inebriation, the two of them made their way back to David’s company-issued apartment to consummate their new union. Katherine was always enthusiastic, but on their wedding night, she was practically ecstatic, tearing David’s clothes off and rushing him through to the bedroom so fast that they forgot to lock the door behind them. They had sex three times in quick succession, with Katherine coaxing David

hot spoon than spend a day in the

The treacherous voice that exists inside of all of us, demanding that we destroy our lives and go back to the freedom we knew before, wasn’t a whisper in Katherine’s mind, it was a primal scream.

You don’t matter, you cunt-faced son of a whore.

I can always take a joke, I don’t waste time worrying about things I can’t control and I have zero anxiety about what strangers think of me. Sure,

Catholic

Quite the opposite, she went after each individual man with a hunger akin to desperation.

Those afflicted with BPD suffer from emotional instability—in Katherine’s case, almost always caused by feelings of rejection or abandonment. They suffer from cognitive distortions, where they see the world in black and white, with anyone who isn’t actively ‘with them’ being considered an enemy. They are also prone to catastrophising, where they make logical leaps from minor impediments in their plans to assumptions of absolute ruin. BPD is often characterised by extremely intense but unstable relationships, as the sufferer gives everything that they can to a relationship in their attempts to ensure their partner never leaves but instead end up burning themselves out and blaming that same partner for the emotional toll that it takes on them. The final trait of BPD is impulsive behaviour, often characterised as self-destructive behaviour. In Katherine’s case, this almost always manifested itself in her hair-trigger temper. When she was enraged, it was like she lost all rational control over her actions, seeing everyone else as her enemies. This manifested itself in the ridiculous bullying she conducted at school, in her lashing out when she failed her test and in the vengeance that she took on her sexual abusers. It is likely that she inherited this disorder from her mother, who showed many of the same symptoms, and that they were exacerbated by her chaotic home life and the lack of healthy relationships in the adults around her that she might have modelled herself after. With Katherine, it was like a Jekyll and Hyde switch took place when her temper was raised. The charming, eager-to-please girl who usually occupied her body was replaced with a furious, foul-mouthed hellion bent on exacting her revenge no matter what the cost. In itself, this could have been an excellent excuse for almost everything that she did wrong in her life, up to and including the crimes that she would later be accused of. Unfortunately, this sort of ‘flipped switch’ argument doesn’t hold up when you consider that her choice to arm herself with a lethal weapon was premeditated. Part of this may certainly have been the cognitive distortion that Katherine experienced, telling her that everyone else was out to get her and that she had to defend herself, but ultimately, she was choosing to give a weapon to a person who would use it to end lives, if she had the opportunity. Assuming that this division of personalities actually existed, then ‘good’ Katherine was an accomplice to ‘bad’ Katherine, giving her the material support and planning that she needed to commit her vicious attacks.

More pressingly for a man like David, she had lost her waifish figure after years of work and replaced it with a toned body that she wasn’t shy about showing off. Combined with the way that she was predatorily sexual, he thought that he had hit the jackpot.

She was constantly bored out of her mind. All of the things that used to bring her joy had become numbed and even the satisfaction of her work never seemed to reach her. The treacherous voice that exists inside of all of us, demanding that we destroy our lives and go back to the freedom we knew before, wasn’t a whisper in Katherine’s mind, it was a primal scream.

Whenever Katherine was accused of wrongdoing throughout her life, she would go through the same patterns to defend herself. First, she would deny that her crime had ever been committed. Then, she would deny that she was responsible. When both of those failed, her final fall-back position was always that the person whom she had victimised had deserved the punishment. BPD offered her one final out; even if her victim didn’t deserve whatever the latest cruelty was that Katherine had conjured up, it still wasn’t her fault. It was her sickness.

With a formal diagnosis of BPD, Katherine would have had the ultimate freedom from responsibility for her actions. Her crimes would no longer be hers at all, even when there was nobody else to blame—they would be because of the BPD.

Don’t you dare put your hands on me, Ryan. I am not the sort of woman who will stand for your bullshit,” she threatened.