Jumping Into Monday Like Quotes

Why are you apologizing?” Kai asked, a smile in his voice. “This is the best surprise. My parents will be ecstatic.” “I didn’t want you to find out like this,” she explained. “Well, are you okay with it? Are you ready?” “I didn’t think I would be,” she replied. “I wasn’t sure I wanted kids, but since I found out on Monday, I’m just…” She giggled, and then I heard jumping and a barely audible little squeal. “No wonder you’ve been smiling so much,” Kai commented. “And I thought it was because of me.” “Well, technically it is.

Q: Which party had wildest celebration and how did it play out? 1) The 1972 Dolphins Super Bowl watching party for the David Tyree catch? 2) The Jack Nicklaus day after Thanksgiving morning in 2009? 3) The NFL referee Monday night football watching party at Ed Hochuli's house for the Seattle/Green Bay game? —Steve G., Salt Lake City SG: Here's my theory on the day after Thanksgiving in 2009: I think Jack Nicklaus heard the news, went out and bought a bottle of 20-year-old Pappy Van Winkle, found an antique shotgun with 300 rounds of ammo, then drove to a secluded spot in the woods 25 miles away from any other human being. He got out of his car, started jumping around and screaming like he won the Super Bowl, did this for 20 solid minutes, then started swigging whiskey and shooting at things while whooping it up. Eventually, he drank the entire bottle, got back into his car and just started happily ramming into trees until the car stopped moving. Then he passed out in the driver's seat, woke up the next morning and walked home. Anyway, my answer is Jack Nicklaus.

against the velvet rope force fields that kept everyone without an invitation at bay. As I walked toward the entrance, the crowd bombarded me with a mix of insults, autograph requests, death threats, and tearful declarations of undying love. I had my body shield activated, but surprisingly, no one took a shot at me. I flashed the cyborg doorman my invitation, then mounted the long crystal staircase leading up into the club. Entering the Distracted Globe was more than a little disorienting. The inside of the giant sphere was completely hollow, and its curved interior surface served as the club’s bar and lounge area. The moment you passed through the entrance, the laws of gravity changed. No matter where you walked, your avatar’s feet always adhered to the interior of the sphere, so you could walk in a straight line, up to the “top” of the club, then back down the other side, ending up right back where you started. The huge open space in the center of the sphere served as the club’s zero-gravity “dance floor.” You reached it simply by jumping off the ground, like Superman taking flight, and then swimming through the air, into the spherical zero-g “groove zone.” As I stepped through the entrance, I glanced up—or in the direction that was currently “up” to me at the moment—and took a long look around. The place was packed. Hundreds of avatars milled around like ants crawling around the inside of a giant balloon. Others were already out on the dance floor—spinning, flying, twisting, and tumbling in time with the music, which thumped out of floating spherical speakers that drifted throughout the club. In the middle of all the dancers, a large clear bubble was suspended in space, at the absolute center of the club. This was the “booth” where the DJ stood, surrounded by turntables, mixers, decks, and dials. At the center of all that gear was the opening DJ, R2-D2, hard at work, using his various robotic arms to work the turntables. I recognized the tune he was playing: the ’88 remix of New Order’s “Blue Monday,” with a lot of Star Wars droid sound samples mixed in. As I made my way to the nearest bar, the avatars I passed all stopped to stare and point in

I’ll miss you so much,” he says, just as the warning bell goes off. He curses under his breath, and I kiss him quickly. “I have to go,” I rush out. Another short kiss. “I’ll see you on Monday.” Then I shrug out of his hold and start running up the steps, the ache in my chest causing the heat behind my eyes. It’s just four days, I keep telling myself. I can do this. With each step up, each inch I move farther from him, the stronger my emotions become. Tears well in my eyes, and I can’t fight them off. And I don’t want to. Shit. I turn quickly, thankful he’s still there watching me. And then I run back to him, faster than I’ve ever run before. I didn’t want him to see me like this, but I can’t let him go without saying goodbye properly. He pushes off his truck when I get near enough, his arms open, and I practically jump into his embrace, my arms around his neck while he wraps his around my waist. Feet off the ground, my legs circle him. “I don’t want you to go,” I mumble into his neck. It’s stupid and petty, and I’m The Worst Girlfriend Ever. “Dammit, Ava, don’t mess with my emotions like that!” I rear back, still holding on to him. “I didn’t want you to know how badly I’ll miss you,” I murmur, unable to control my pout.

Most major media outlets covered the story, and people around the world began immediately to respond with prayers and good wishes on social media. When Jep heard what was going on, he jumped on Twitter and tweeted this on Saturday from his hospital bed: Well, I about died this past Sunday…I’m doing much better now. Thanks for all the prayers! #seizuresuck #gladtobealive As if that wasn’t enough, he also posted a side-by-side photo of himself and a bearded Steven Seagal, both unconscious in a hospital bed and wrapped in a white sheet. “Just like Steven Seagal, I’m hard to kill,” it said in a caption at the bottom. It’s always a good sign when you get your sense of humor back. Monday morning, most of Jep’s doctors said he could go home. One of his doctors wanted him to stay for a month, but Jep wanted out. I didn’t blame him. We walked out of the hospital together. Jep could walk, but he was very weak and wobbly. One the way home we stopped to check out the house we were remodeling, and then I got him home to rest. The next day he asked, “When are we going to go look at the house?” “We went yesterday,” I told him. He didn’t remember. I let the kids stay home from school that Monday, and we had a wonderful time just being together. There were lots of hugs and smiles, and Jep played cards with River. I noticed he was talking a little slower than normal, but he was talking. And I knew everything was going to be okay.

MONDAY: Badass Baseline Perform one round of this routine. Jumping Jacks: 75 repetitions Sit-ups: 40 repetitions Squats: 30 repetitions Push-ups: 20 repetitions Burpees: 10 repetitions Jumping Jacks: 75 repetitions WEDNESDAY: Single Jump Jump Perform three rounds of this routine. Step-ups: 15 repetitions Bench Dips: 15 repetitions Jump Rope: 50 repetitions Double-under Jump Rope: 10 repetitions (A double-under is a jump rope exercise. You turn the rope for two rotations in one single jump. So you jump once and while you are in the air the rope cycles twice instead of just once like regular jump rope.) FRIDAY: Booty Lift Perform four rounds of this routine. Lunges: 5 repetitions on each leg Inchworms: 10 repetitions Toe Touches: 10 repetitions on each leg Jump Squats: 10 repetitions MONDAY: Double Your Fun Perform four rounds of this routine. Set a timer for 16 minutes and try to do all four rounds before it goes off. Sexy Back Push-ups: 6 repetitions Jump Squats: 10 repetitions on each side Sit-ups: 20 repetitions Jumping Jacks: 40 repetitions WEDNESDAY: Let Your Hair Loose Timed sequence: Set a timer for 10 minutes and perform the following round as many times as you can before it goes off. Mountain Climbers: 20 repetitions as fast as you can Hamstring Rollouts: 7 repetitions as fast as you can Pike Push-ups: 5 repetitions FRIDAY: Get Dirty with It Perform five rounds of this routine. Floor Wipers: 5 repetitions Clapping Push-ups: 7 repetitions Jump Squats: 10 repetitions MONDAY: Sweat Like an Animal Timed sequence: Set a timer for 6 minutes and perform the following round as many times as you can before it goes off. Burpees: 5 repetitions as fast as you can Lunges: 10 repetitions as fast as you can Squats: 15 repetitions as fast as you can WEDNESDAY: Max Your Effort Perform three rounds of this routine. Rest one minute between each round. Round 1: V-ups: 30 Left Single-Leg Squat: 20 repetitions Right Single-Leg Squat: 20 repetitions Round 2: V-ups: 20 repetitions Left Single-Leg Squat: 15 repetitions Right Single-Leg Squat: 15 repetitions Round 3: V-ups: 10 repetitions Left Single-Leg Squat: 10 repetitions Right Single-Leg Squat: 10 repetitions FRIDAY: Beach Body Aspirations Perform five rounds of this routine. Sky Humpers: 10 repetitions Bench Dips: 12 repetitions Bicycle: 20 repetitions MONDAY: I Dip, You Dip, We Dip Perform five rounds of this routine. Rest 30 seconds between each round. Floor Wipers: 10 repetitions Bench Dips: 20 repetitions Lunges: One, hold lunge in the lunge position for 45 seconds. If you have to adjust, the time stops and restarts when you start your lunge again. WEDNESDAY: Core Basics Timed sequence: Set a timer for 10 minutes and perform the following round as many times as you can before it goes off. Hamstring Rollouts: 5 repetitions Pike Push-ups: 10 repetitions Sit-ups: 20 repetitions FRIDAY: Sculpt Me Booty-licious Timed sequence: Set a timer for 5 minutes and perform the following round as many times as you can before it goes off. Rest 2 minutes between each round. Jumping Lunges: 5 repetitions on each side Squats: 10 repetitions V-ups: 5 repetitions

The standoff had already lasted five days. "It was a Monday, the 3rd of October 1502," wrote Tomé Lopes: "a date that I will remember every day of my life." By now Gama's soldiers had removed all the weapons they could find from the Arab ship. It was a sitting duck, and the admiral ordered his men into their boats. Their task was simple. They were to tow the Mîrî out to sea until it was safely away from the Portuguese fleet. Then they were to set it alight and burn it with everyone on board. The soldiers marched onto the Mîrî, set fires across the decks, and jumped back into the boats as the flames licked and the smoke billowed. Some of the Muslims rushed to smother the fires, and one by one they stamped them out. Others dragged out several small bombards they had managed to hide from the search party, and they hurriedly set them up. The pilgrims and merchants ran to grab anything that could serve as ammunition, including fist-sized stones from the piles of ballast in the hold. There was clearly no chance of surrender, and they were determined to die fighting rather than burn to death. When the soldiers in the boats saw the fires go out they rowed back to light them again. As they approached, women and men alike fired the bombards and hurled the stones. The Europeans cowered under the hail of missiles and beat a fast retreat. From a distance they tried to sink the Mîrî with their bombards, but the guns carried on the boats were too small to inflict real damage. The Muslim women tore off their jewelry, clutched the gold, silver, and precious stones in their fists, and shook them at the boats, screaming at their attackers to take everything they had. They held up their babies and little children and desperately pleaded with the Christians to take pity on the innocents. One last time, the merchants shouted and gestured that they would pay a great ransom if their lives were spared. Gama watched, hidden from sight, through a loophole in the side of his ship. Tomé Lopes was stunned: shocked by the admiral's refusal to relent, and amazed that he was willing to turn down such wealth. There was no doubt in his mind that the ransom would have been enough to buy the freedom of every Christian prisoner in Morocco and still leave great treasure for the king. Bergamo and his fellow factors were no doubt wondering just how much of their profit would go up in smoke. Yet there were plenty of zealous Christians among the crews who had no more qualms than their Crusader forebears about killing peaceful merchants and pilgrims. The dehumanizing notion that their enemies in faith were somehow not real people was too deeply ingrained to be shaken. Like holy warriors before and after, they avoided looking into the whites of their victims' eyes and got on with their godly business.