Jon Richardson Quotes

I don't mean to hate people, I just get forced into it.

If you love something, Let it go, If it comes back it's yours, That's how you know kno-o-ow Nonsense, Christina Aguilera! I say, 'If you love it, file it away under "Things I love". If it's required at a later date, you'll know exactly where it i-i-i-is.

I refuse to believe that clubbing is how people are supposed to meet to establish relationships on a level for beyond what we consider to be a norm in modern society.

I know very well that I have no reason to feel aggrieved - I am fully aware of how lucky I am, but knowing it and still being down makes me hate myself all the more.

There is simply too much to be done for us all to go round 'enjoying ourselves.' When the world is perfect, then we can all sit down and eat jelly beans, but for now the fact that things are going well for you just means that you are in a position to alleviate someone else's suffering for a while.

I don’t need someone to complete me, I need someone to make things a little bit better every now and again.

Anyone who tells you that it is better to have loved and lost that to never loved at all has never done both.

I am in no doubt that if you use the term 'luv' in a letter or text message then you are incapable of truly understanding the emotion. Artists have not pored over heartache and unrequited sentimentality for years so that our generation could decide that four letters is simply one too many to express how we feel.

Why do fools fall in love? I'll tell you why, because everybody else has simply got too much else to do.

My favourite pub game is, of course, snooker. Any game whose rules basically amount to finding a table covered in mess and slowly and methodically putting it all away out of sight is one with which I can empathise emphatically.

I don’t mean to hate people, I just get forced into it.

I believe passionately in love, I even believe in 'the one' to a certain exert, but I am willing to play the waiting game and patiently await their arrival rather than dive into relationships I know not to be right in the mean time.

The last time I went back to a girl's house for an impromptu house party I spent most of the night straightening out rugs, putting down coasters and alphabetising DVDs while all around me people got off with whoever was closest and gradually headed off to various rooms to make more mess, no doubt.

The test of total independence comes each night when the bedroom door closes behind you, the lights go out and all that there is to keep you company in the infinite darkness are your thoughts.

Such is my desire only to see the best parts of my partner and vice-versa that I must confess to being able to remember each time I have seen someone I was in love with fall over. I cannot help but be disappointed by such a shocking inability to perform such a simple task as staying upright.

My weirdness aside, if I am to find any friends, particularly a girlfriend, she will almost certainly have to be a human. My previous track record tends to suggest that of all species that exist on the planet, it has so far been exclusively humans to whom I find myself sexually attracted. This is a good thing legally if nothing else.

Any second... now? No. I am a 'mourning person'. Not because anybody close to me has recently passed away, but because I use that term to describe my demeanour at daybreak and as a way of separating myself from what are known as 'morning people' - those high-functioning, grinning morons, who skip out their beds and pounce at the dawn as eagerly and energetically as a young puppy greets a hanging shoelace. My mornings are (with the exception of Christmas Day) dark and sombre affairs, spent grieving the sleep of which I've been robbed; morning is when blades of daylight hack viciously at the dreams that have kept you company through the night.

The only honest answer when someone asks you if you love them is 'at the moment, yes', but try saying that without getting a kick in the chaps.

University is where people go to 'find themselves' which is all well and good, but it should not be assumed that you will like what you discover there.

Happiness, like sleep, in order to be fully effective must involve some sort of yielding of conscious thought.

It is probably worth asking at this point, who exactly is my perfect woman? Attractive? Yes. Intelligent. Of course. Blah blah blah … All of these things together? Absolutely not! What on earth would a woman like that be doing with a man such as myself? Cheating on him, that’s what.

It does not come naturally to me to be spontaneous, and admittedly that is the only way in which it can come. As soon as you have planned to do something spontaneously, you actually haven’t. Why wouldn’t you choose to plan something ahead of time rather than ‘see how it goes’? I can tell you how it will go, my friend – not as well as it would have if you had planned it.

Friendship was something that transcended physicality; it was almost purer than any love you could feel for a partner. The friends you make as a child who stay with you throughout your life do so not because they find you attractive, or they gain financially from your time together, but because something deep down connects the two of you. Because you have stayed with each other through more than one period of your evolution.

People would like to think that the decisions we make in our lives are ephemeral and impossible to quantify but they aren’t really. Most of the things we do that will hurt other people are known to us before we carry them out, and rather than discover afterwards that there were hidden consequences to our actions, in truth we simply make a value judgement on whether or not what we stand to gain by upsetting someone else justifies the decision for ourselves.

focus your energies on other tasks than to try to change the direction of the wind by blowing against it with all your might.

I certainly find it difficult to relate to people who seem incapable of doing anything on their own, needing company even whilst simply watching TV and drinking a cup of tea for fear of what their brain might do to them while it has no one there to interrupt it.

Like all ideas, the idea of soulmates was created at a time when the world wasn't so big. Religion prospered when it didn't have to deal with multiculturalism, now it is drowning.

I hate things and I do so because it is clean and easy and makes me feel better about myself without having to ask why I don't get my own house in order first.

I suffered with a desire to be alone, unfortunately coupled with an intolerance of others.

I wonder constantly whether I moan too much or whether things really are just not good enough.

The best dating advice I can give you is that women like men who aren’t weird

Somehow, happiness is not diminished by being shared out with other people.

[On setting all clocks at varying times in advance...] A selfless gesture on my part which ensures I am never late, but really only means that I spend time waiting not only for people who are late but also for people who are on time.

There are no wrong answers, Jon, except for the one you just gave.

When I come home at night exhausted by the world outside, the least I expect is that all my things will be where I left them on my way out. If I wanted my things to move at random without my touching them I would live on a boat.

My neighbours, I am quite sure, suspect that I am a serial killer, a view I am quite happy to promote whenever I get the chance if it keeps them from talking to me, be it with a well-timed sinister chuckle to myself, or by making sure that they see how meticulously I clean the interior carpets of my car.

Then the point at which I stopped working last night comes back to me in a flash and I remember kicking the Henry into the corner of the room, calling it a ‘fucking prick’ and pouring a large brandy.

People who arrive late do so precisely because they know they will be waited for. Until we all make a decision to leave behind those who do not respect schedules, they will never learn. If this means leaving your twelve-year-old son in a service station on the M1 then so be it. He has to learn.

Here lies Jon Richardson. He died of a pie. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. RIP.

People who tell you that they live their lives in the moment are, in my experience, only doing so because they are afraid of their future or ashamed of their past. These are people for whom thinking of anything other than the fork in their hand or the song in their head or the next step they are going to take frightens them so much that they pretend it is some kind of inspiring and advisable philosophy to do simply whatever it occurs to them to do at that moment in time.

When the world is perfect, then we can all sit down and eat jelly beans, but for now the fact that things are going well for you just means that you are in a position to alleviate someone else’s suffering for a while.

I am not a particularly attractive man, shorter than I would like and with too round a head to feel entirely comfortable when walking past a tennis court, but nor am I ugly enough to warrant the eight-year suspension from the opposite sex that I have been serving. My voice is rather too shrill and I tend to moan too much, but I suspect the main problem has been things like checking doors and getting uncomfortable because I feel that I have stepped on more cracks in the pavement with my left foot than my right – that’s what has marked me out for singledom.

If I were to have a catchphrase (and I like to think I don’t), it would be, ‘Fun must be sacrificed for efficiency.

I should point out here that there are many positives to be had from taking life as seriously as I do. For example, I don’t remember the last time I fell over. Even in the recent snow and ice I stayed upright, although less by stealthy catlike grace than by steadfastly refusing to leave my house.

When you look into the eyes of the person you love, it is easy to forget that there is anything else in the world besides the river of emotion flowing between you. Why, then, do you want to push them out of the window five minutes later for putting a wet teaspoon into the sugar? Have they not been told a thousand times that the sight of the brown clusters this forms makes you feel sick? Of course they have … so they must be doing it because they hate you! You hate them, too. How could you have been so blind earlier? Then, as you are getting up to charge headlong in their direction, they laugh – and you remember why you love them – and the whole exhausting cycle begins anew.

I don’t mean to hate people, I get forced into it.

The sea, however, doesn’t care.

No one is honest with someone they find attractive because you would much rather someone loved a character being played by you, than for them not to love the real you.

My moods are down to me. When I am upset, it is because of something I have done and I can trace its origins back as far as I need to and then deal with it however I deem appropriate. When I need fresh air, I go out. When I need to get drunk, I drink. When I need a hug, I man up! Or else I wear a T-shirt that is slightly too small for me – the effect is the same.

I told my last girlfriend I was in love with her, and I meant it too. I am not in love with her any more, so I have to conclude that my feelings were temporary and I am fickle. The only honest answer when someone asks you if you love them is ‘at the moment, yes’, but try saying that without getting a kick in the chaps.

It is so much easier to grieve for the dead than to care for the living. At least in death we are all perfect.

Rita is typical of many girls who got away, the ones I call the ‘near mrs’, but in truth the near miss was theirs, not mine.

There is a place I like to go which makes the things I worry about seem insignificant. I would even go as far as to say that of all the places in which you could find me happiest (though I must point out that by finding me you have more than likely inflicted upon that happiness a fatal wound), an autumnal afternoon, sat quietly on a rock at the water’s edge some half a mile upstream of a certain waterfall is hard to beat.