Joe Pesci Quotes

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't...Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same...so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself...

You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

There is going to come a time when we have to accept who we are without the assistance of religion. That will be the dawn of true faith. We leave the big decisions to invisible consultants and pray we get the answers we are looking for. The late great George Carlin once said he gave up praying to God and started praying to Joe Pesci because his prayers to Joe Pesci were answered with as much accuracy and frequency as those to God. [...] If we as people are still looking for answers, we should turn our eyes away from the heavens and look to each other. I know we do not play well together - hell, some of us do not even like being in the same room with each other - but the divine lies in all of us. We are miracles. We are "god." If we shared a little more, we would not be left feeling less. We hold the keys to our own destinies. It is time we started looking for the locks.

When the Bible gives descriptions, I immediately get an image in my mind of who I would cast for that role. I was thinking Joe Pesci would be a good Zacchaeus, right? Pesci’s this little guy known for having a high, annoying voice who dresses really well. Picture Zacchaeus in this crowd. He was shorter than most, so elbows were flying near his face as all these rubberneckers jockeyed for a view of Jesus. Zacchaeus finally gave up trying to compete with the crowd and climbed up a sycamore tree. He was perched in the tree when Jesus arrived. Here’s what we read in Luke 19:5–7: When Jesus reached the spot, he looked up and said to him, “Zacchaeus, come down immediately. I must stay at your house today.” So he came down at once and welcomed him gladly. All the people saw this and began to mutter.

He’s got a gold tooth for his left second incisor that makes me think of Joe Pesci in Home Alone—my favorite movie as a kid.

The guys of Savino’s generation liked what they saw in the movies and wanted to be that. So Lou ain’t trying to be Lefty Ruggiero, he’s trying to be Al Pacino being Lefty Ruggiero. He ain’t trying to be Tommy DeSimone, he’s going for Joe Pesci being Tommy DeSimone, not being Jake Amari but James Gandolfini.

If you think I’m going to clean up the truth or put a spit-shine on people’s honest experiences, you’re wrong. I’m not going to go all Joe Pesci in Goodfellas, but if you can’t handle me saying “pissed off” or “bullshit,” or you need me to pretend that faith doesn’t matter to me, I’m not your girl. There are lots of great teachers and speakers—you’ll just need to find one who will dress up, clean up, and shut up. That’s not me. Not anymore. I shall not be moved.