Jarod Kintz Quotes

I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.

One of my main regrets in life is giving considerable thought to inconsiderate people.

I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.

I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight.

I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it's relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one?

If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.

I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me “F*** you.” Then I’ll go back to that person and pin the flower on their lapel in a gesture of friendship. And while they are looking down on it in astonishment, I’ll bunch up my knuckles and punch them in the face.

With my last breath, I’ll exhale my love for you. I hope it’s a cold day, so you can see what you meant to me.


She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with. Trouble is, she was standing next to the kind of woman I’d like to make love to. 


You know what I like most about people? Pets.


It’s absolutely unfair for women to say that guys only want one thing: sex. We also want food.

You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.

Whether you live to be 50 or 100 makes no difference, if you made no difference in the world.

I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.

I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick.

Writers fish for the right words like fishermen fish for, um, whatever those aquatic creatures with fins and gills are called. 


She didn't say it, I only thought she said it. So really it was my thought, my words, and not hers. How could I confuse "I love you" with "May I take your order?

I told her I'd wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who'd give me a ride home.

I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less.


Laughter is the sound of the soul dancing. My soul probably looks like Fred Astaire.

I don't understand people who say they need more "Me Time." What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else's body?

Love is what you make it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it today, as I have a doctor’s appointment.

I like my relationships like I like my eggs. Over easy.

Just because I liked something at one point in time doesn’t mean I’ll always like it, or that I have to go on liking it at all points in time as an unthinking act of loyalty to who I am as a person, based solely on who I was as a person. To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think. The only thing I am for sure is unsure, and this means I’m growing, and not stagnant or shrinking.

I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.

What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser—that’s why he's number two.

I only sing in the shower. I would join a choir, but I don’t think my bathtub can hold that many people.


I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything.

When anybody honks at me in traffic, I blush, wave, and shout, “Thanks for being a fan.” Being a celebrity is a 24/7 thing.

I want to be the kind of person that kind people like and want to be like.

I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.

It’s true, I can’t make you love me. But I can refuse to let you out of your cage.

You tell me you love me, but I’m not sure you know what love is, or how fast it flies, or how much it resembles a UFO, or what kind of weapon you’d use to shoot it down.

I want to gather up all the ink cartridges in the universe, because somewhere, mixed in with all that ink, is the next great American novel. And I’d love nothing more than to drink it.

The way I wrestle five-year-olds makes me think if I were ever attacked by a pack of midgets, I’d be OK.


Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers.

Reading—it’s the third best thing to do in bed.

I love running. I’m not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate.

My advice for a person who's just fallen out of a skyscraper window is, Flap your arms...faster.

The only drink I like ice in is water, because you can’t water down water. I’m like that with love, too. Don’t you dare add any ice to the hot liquid loving I’m trying to pour all over you.

Love is like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute. But there’s no need to be frightened, because that plane is still on the ground.

The year you were born marks only your entry into the world. Other years where you prove your worth, they are the ones worth celebrating.

He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.

From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.

I just realized my lips are inside out. They should be turned inwards, because I spend most of my time talking to myself.

Goodbyes, they often come in waves.

She says he says, but she could be lying to me, and he could be lying to her, so I can’t believe her, even if I could believe her.

I’m willing to die for the woman I love. I just want to take 75 years to do it.

You and I have a love so secret that not even you know about it. But first, let me introduce myself.

I wanted to tell her “I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting.

We can’t be lovers because we both have mustaches. But since you’re a lady, and I’m a gentleman, I’ll shave mine off.

I’ve always felt that the best place to hide a body is in the trunk of a cop car, with a note affixed to the body that reads, “I’m sorry.

I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am.

When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone in a dream, I saw the future.

I've often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it's the one right after the next to the last one.

Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag.

To Do Today, 1/17/08 1. Sit and think 2. Reach enlightenment 3. Feed the cats

When faced with two equally tough choices, most people choose the third choice: to not choose.

Sometimes I ask myself, "Do I have the courage to do the right thing when it matters most?" And that answer, I'm afraid, is silence.

Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries.

I wish my stove came with a Save As button like Word has. That way I could experiment with my cooking and not fear ruining my dinner.

The morning always has a way of creeping up on me and peeking in my bedroom windows. The sunrise is such a pervert.

I want to go to sleep in my time machine and wake up eight hours in the future.

My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk.

I want to protect innocent people from sin by locking them in cages, where the evil can't get to them.

If love had feathers and tasted like dog food, then I suggest you wear shoes with your banana pudding. (This statement also defines my political beliefs).

If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I'd say, "Now." But you'd also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes fast.

Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone.

If I had a dollar for every time a random woman walked up to me and tried to seduce me, I'd have 50 cents. That's assuming drag queens are half price.

If you only had 48 hours left to live, would you spend it like you normally spend your weekends? If not, why spend 2/7th of your life wasting your free time? After all, free time isn’t free. Free time is the most expensive time you have, because nobody pays for it but you. But that also makes it the most valuable time you have, as you alone stand to reap the profits from spending it wisely.

Here's a haiku/palindrome I wrote called, "Obsession." Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob

I could tell by their audible gasps that the people on the beach were jealous of me when I found five shark's teeth. Locating them wasn't really the problem, but pulling them out of my leg was.

Love is a circular emotion that surrounds you, like a hug. Or a noose.

Love is a bicycle with two pancakes for wheels. You may see love as more of an exercise in hard work, but I see it as more of a breakfast on the go.

I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.

I want to get the words "Courage" and "Bravery" tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me.

If I have to beat you up to keep you safe, that’s just what I’ll do. It’s this kind of regard for others that makes me believe I’d be a good politician.

The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me.

4 am—if I’m ever up that early, it’s because I’m up that late.

Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest, but highly profitable.

I wonder if rooms in an insane asylum have Do Not Disturb signs for the doors. I should hope not, because knock or no knock, every occupant in those rooms is already disturbed.

Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face.

Love is like whoa! Actually, it's closer to woe.

I am the broth of love. Make soup to me.

I like to spoon after I fork.

Too bad Americans can’t export Awesome, because I have boxes and boxes of the stuff just lying around in my attic.

I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.

I once saw a snake having sex with a vulture, and I thought, It’s just business as usual in Washington DC.

Some people try to change the world one life at a time. Others try to change the world one death at a time. And I try to change the world one bucket full of dirt at a time.

A stationary bike is a device that epitomizes the phrase “hurry up and wait.

Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.

The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction and landed 333 miles away in the ears of a confused farmer. He was nice, though. He sent me a kind letter saying that while he was flattered, I wasn’t really his type.

The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her.

The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smoking years ago.

Artists exist to show us the world. So do windows.

I’m very close to my dad. He’s about six inches away right now and snoring in my ears.

Between hello and goodbye is I love you.

When people change, I’m disappointed they’re not who I remember them being. And when people don’t change, I’m disappointed they still are who they were. All people do is disappoint, and I do mean all people.

More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two readers (three, to be exact). So I’d like to take a moment and say thanks mom, dad, and kidnap victim I keep chained in the basement.

Is a picture really worth a thousand words? What thousand words? A thousand words from a lunatic, or a thousand words from Nietzsche? Actually, Nietzsche was a lunatic, but you see my point. What about a thousand words from a rambler vs. 500 words from Mark Twain? He could say the same thing quicker and with more force than almost any other writer. One thousand words from Ginsberg are not even worth one from Wilde. It’s wild to declare the equivalency of any picture with any army of 1,000 words. Words from a writer like Wordsworth make you appreciate what words are worth.