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Paradise, blooded daughter of Abalone, First Adviser to the King, frowned at the screen of her Apple lappy. She’d set herself up here in her father’s library ever since he’d started working each night for Wrath, son of Wrath, because in the old rambling Tudor mansion, Wi-Fi was strongest at this desk. Not that a good signal was helping her at the moment. Her Hotmail account was full of unread messages, because, with iMessage on her phone and her Twitter, Instagram, and FB accounts, there was no reason to sign into it very often.

But when we instead tell our children how their unacceptable behavior makes us feel, the language turns into an “I” message: “I feel discouraged when I see this big mess.” “I don’t want to race right now because I’m tired.” “I feel stressed when we have to hurry.” Kids receive an I-message as a statement of fact about what the parent is feeling, so it causes less resistance. How do you

One of the most difficult parts of the case was that Snapchat’s valuation continued to soar throughout the lawsuit, climbing from $ 70 million when Reggie filed to $ 800 million in a matter of months. Soon, the company was worth billions. If Reggie was owed something, what was a fair amount? If a picture is worth a thousand words, and Evan’s disappearing pictures company was worth millions and then billions, how much was Reggie’s idea worth? The lawsuit had a significant effect on Evan; he was already secretive and a bit paranoid by nature, but the lawsuit, combined with Snapchat’s growing public profile, made him retreat further into the bunker—he preferred to take walking meetings so that others wouldn’t overhear him, and he noted that iMessage and emails are permanent records. The stress was clearly getting to him. He would frequently blow up at his lawyers, screaming at them in the hallways in between depositions and settlement talks. It would be many months before the lawsuit reached a conclusion.

Interoperability may not be a technical metaverse requirement per se, but it should be. OMA3, O3DF, MSF, etc, are doing a great job in discussing standards, however, we still haven't fixed some of the Web 2.0 interoperability issues (your iMessage app is pretty useless on an android phone), let alone metaverse's.

Positive words of encouragement let our children know that we believe in them and that we’re in their corner. Instead of growing into adults with Mom or Dad’s critical voice in their heads, our children can use words of support and confidence to motivate themselves and reinforce positive behaviors. Rather than “Good job,” use I-messages to praise your child honestly and descriptively. Instead of vague, general words, be specific in your encouragement: “When you gave that bike a try even though it was scary, I really appreciated your courage.” Here are a few other phrases that can create connection through encouragement: Thank you for your kindness. I really appreciate how hard you tried for that. What you did was very generous. You showed enormous strength in handling this challenge. I love your sense of skepticism! Your imagination is awesome! Thank you for reminding me how fun it is to be playful.

Thomas Gordon coined the term “I-message” and first described it in Parent Effectiveness Training (1970). According to Gordon, a clear I-message has three parts: a nonblameful description of the behavior, the effects it has on you, and your feelings. Describe the behavior. Use simple statements without judgments. For example, “When your hair isn’t brushed…” instead of “Your hair is such a mess!” Describe a specific, tangible effect. What effect does it have on you? This must be on you, not a sibling or another person. What needs of yours are not being met? It’s a tangible effect if it: Costs you time, energy, or money (for example, replacing cushions, mending holes, doing unnecessary errands, etc.) Prevents you from doing something you want or need to do (for example, getting somewhere on time, using the Internet, enjoying your living room, etc.) Upsets your body or senses (for example, loud noise, pain, tension) Share your feelings. What is your honest, authentic response to this behavior? Are you disappointed, resentful, hurt, sad, embarrassed, scared?

Exercise: Win-Win Problem Solving with a Positive Problem A great place to start bringing win-win into your life is with a positive problem, such as where to go on your next vacation or what to do on the weekend. Here’s how to do it: Decide on a positive decision you need to make that you want everyone’s input on. Invite your children into a conversation with you, and have a big piece of paper ready. State the problem simply (“We have both days open next weekend and we’d like to decide what to do”). Identify your needs (for example, “I’m going to need to take care of my body with some exercise”). Ask each person what he or she will be needing (“What do you think you will be needing next weekend?”). Write everything down. Be sure to translate their solutions into underlying needs. Ask the question, “What will that do for you/me/us?” to suss out the underlying needs. Brainstorm ideas, writing every single idea down. Do not evaluate yet! When all the ideas are out there, use the , , ? system to move quickly through the list of ideas. Practice staying grounded, listening reflectively, and using your I-messages as needed. Decide upon the plan that meets everyone’s needs. Write out your plan, so that your child can see her ideas on paper. Finally, don’t forget to check in! After your weekend is over, come back to your notes and have a conversation about how it went. Did everyone get his or her needs met? This step shows that you take your child’s input seriously and that her needs matter to you—making her more likely to cooperate voluntarily in the future, when the situation may be more emotionally heated.

Beginning Anew: A Tool for Bringing Closeness out of Conflict No matter how skillful and grounded we are, there will still be conflicts and problems in our families. The tools of mindfulness meditation, loving-kindness, reflective listening, I-messages, and more will greatly reduce the number and severity of those conflicts, but we will still have them. Conflicts can, however, bring us even closer together if we use these moments as opportunities to be real and vulnerable, and to come together to repair the damage done. On a retreat with Thich Nhat Hanh, I learned the Beginning Anew framework for repairing a relationship—including a relationship with a child. It teaches us to look deeply and honestly at ourselves and our past actions, speech, and thoughts. We take this moment as a fresh beginning for ourselves and in our relationships with others. Beginning Anew has three parts: offering appreciation, sharing regrets, and expressing hurts and difficulties. You can do this in person, or write a letter of Beginning Anew if your child reads. Part 1: Offering appreciation. This is an opportunity to shine light on the other’s strengths and contributions, and to encourage the growth of his or her positive qualities. You may mention specific instances when the other person said or did something that you appreciated. This first step shows that you see the wonderful things about this person. Part 2: Sharing regrets. This is your chance to mention any unskillful actions, speech, or thoughts that you feel bad about and haven’t yet had an opportunity to apologize for. For example, you might say, “I’m sorry that I said you were selfish. I was wrong to do that. I realize how my comment hurt you, and I shouldn’t have spoken in that way.” Part 3: Expressing hurts and difficulties. Now you share how you felt hurt by something the other person did or said. Use your I-messages here. Don’t attack or blame. Speak or write about your hurts in a calm way, never in an exaggerated, reproachful, accusatory, or desperate manner

What does an I-message look like in action? “I told you to put away your toys now!” becomes: “With your toys all over the floor, I feel annoyed because I step on them and it hurts my feet.” “Don’t kick me—that’s a terrible way to act!” becomes: “Ouch! That really hurts my shins!” “Stop that yelling!” becomes: “When you yell, I can’t hear anything and I feel grumpy and frustrated.

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And now when I delete your iMessages, they show up in an 'Archive'. They live on in 'The Cloud', floating somewhere up there in space. It is hard to move on with the knowledge that somewhere up there in space: we are alive amongst the satellites.

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Kids receive an I-message as a statement of fact about what the parent is feeling, so it causes less resistance.

a clear I-message has three parts: a nonblameful description of the behavior, the effects it has on you, and your feelings.

I-Messages containing these three parts: 1) a description of the unacceptable behavior, 2) the parent’s feeling, and 3) the tangible and concrete effect the behavior has on the parent. [BEHAVIOR + FEELING + EFFECT.]

iMessage wasn’t out then, it was all green—gross—but we didn’t know better at the time.

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