Humor Valentine Quotes

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Sebastian just smiled. “I could hear your heart beating,” he said softly. “When you were watching me with Valentine. Did it bother you?” “That you seem to be dating my dad?” Jace shrugged. "You’re a little young for him, to be honest.” “What?” For the first time since Jace had met him, Sebastian seemed flabbergasted.
Cassandra Clare (City of Glass (The Mortal Instruments, #3))
You're Valentine's son. I'm sure you're the one the Queen really wants to see. Besides, you're charming. Maybe not at the moment.
Cassandra Clare (City of Ashes (The Mortal Instruments, #2))
Then you're aping him. Valentine was one of the most arrogant and disrespectful men I've ever met. I suppose he brought you up to be just like him." "Yes," Jace said, unable to help himself, "I was trained to be an evil mastermind from a young age. Pulling the wings off flies, poisoning the earth's water supply — I was covering that stuff in kindergarten. I guess we're all just lucky my father faked his own death before he got to the raping and pillaging part of my education, or no one would be safe.
Cassandra Clare (City of Ashes (The Mortal Instruments, #2))
What makes you think that Valentine's change of plans had anything to do with your brother?" "Because only Jace can piss someone off that much.
Cassandra Clare
It was hidden inside another book. One Valentine was unlikely to ever open." Magnus smiled crookedly. "Simple Recipes for Housewives. No one can say your mother didn't have a sense of humor.
Cassandra Clare (City of Glass (The Mortal Instruments, #3))
A demonic reaper asked to be my valentine and then killed his crazy ex-girlfriend to save my life. Tomorrow I was starting up antipsychotic meds.
Courtney Allison Moulton (Wings of the Wicked (Angelfire, #2))
I have a suggestion," said Valentine to Luke, in a surprisingly even tone. "Let me guess," said Luke. "It's 'Don't kill me,' isn't it?
Cassandra Clare
Why can't I go to Idris with you, then? Because it's not safe for you there O and it's safe for me here? I've been nearly killed almost a dozen times in the past month. That's because Valentine has been concentrating on the two Mortal Instruments that were here. He's going to shift his focus to Idris now. We all know it-- We're hardly as certain of anything as all that. And the Clave wants to meet Clarissa. You know that, Jace. The Clave can screw itself.
Cassandra Clare (City of Glass (The Mortal Instruments, #3))
Well, why did you kill Jeremiah? And don't bother feeding me some story about how you just happened to wander along after he spontaneously died. I know you did this.
Cassandra Clare
NOw he's back from the dead and he's come looking for her. Maybe he wants to get back together." (Isabelle) "I doubt he sent a horde of demons to her house because he wants to 'get back together.'" (Alec) "It wouldn't be my move. First the candy, then the apology letters, then the ravenous demon hordes. In that order." (Jace)
Cassandra Clare (City of Bones (The Mortal Instruments, #1))
Jace was very pale, with hectic spots like fever on his cheekbones. "But it was Valentine. I saw him. In fact, he had the Sword with him when he came down to the cells and taunted me through the bars. It was like a bad movie, except he didn't actually twirl his mustache.
Cassandra Clare
It was February sixth: eight days until Valentine's Day. I was dateless, as usual, deep in the vice grip of unrequited love. It was bad enough not having a boyfriend for New Year's Eve. Now I had to cope with Valentine datelessness, feeling consummate social pressure from every retailer in America who stuck hearts and cupids in their windows by January second to rub it in.
Joan Bauer (Thwonk)
You trump Valentine's Day chocolates.
Gail McHugh (Pulse (Collide, #2))
Really, I scolded myself, you should have known that you'd end up in a stone dungeon with no facilities. That's how these things always end up, isn't it?
Lilith Saintcrow (Working for the Devil (Dante Valentine, #1))
On Valentine's Day, the Spirit Club plastered the school with red streamersand pink balloons and red and pink hearts. It looked like Clifford the Big Red Dog ate a flock of flamigoes and then barfed his guts up.
Carolyn Mackler (Vegan, Virgin, Valentine (V Valentine, #1))
Groundhog found fog. New snows and blue toes. Fine and dandy for Valentine candy. Snow spittin'; if you're not mitten-smitten, you'll be frostbitten! By jing-y feels spring-y.
Old Farmer's Almanac
Consider it a race to see who kills you first, Daylighter-Valentine, the other Downworlders, or the Clave.
Cassandra Clare
When the Washington Post telephoned me at home on Valentine's Day 1989 to ask my opinion about the Ayatollah Khomeini's fatwah, I felt at once that here was something that completely committed me. It was, if I can phrase it like this, a matter of everything I hated versus everything I loved. In the hate column: dictatorship, religion, stupidity, demagogy, censorship, bullying, and intimidation. In the love column: literature, irony, humor, the individual, and the defense of free expression. Plus, of course, friendship—though I like to think that my reaction would have been the same if I hadn't known Salman at all. To re-state the premise of the argument again: the theocratic head of a foreign despotism offers money in his own name in order to suborn the murder of a civilian citizen of another country, for the offense of writing a work of fiction. No more root-and-branch challenge to the values of the Enlightenment (on the bicentennial of the fall of the Bastille) or to the First Amendment to the Constitution, could be imagined. President George H.W. Bush, when asked to comment, could only say grudgingly that, as far as he could see, no American interests were involved…
Christopher Hitchens (Hitch 22: A Memoir)
Since my trips to Earth, I've only managed to assemble a few basics facts about humans, condensing them in to four, overall points: kids got Reese's, teens got recess, adults got recessions, and seniors got receding.
Tai Odunsi (Cupid's Academy: The Miseducation of Mergatroyd, Love god in Training)
I would have to break the ice with a warm smile that would melt her heart.
Tai Odunsi (Cupid's Academy: The Miseducation of Mergatroyd, Love god in Training)
Valentine's day without your love is like a year without the Internet.
Santosh Kalwar
Did you send candy and flowers on Valentine's Day, Wells? It's okay, you know. He was a saint.
Richard Kadrey (Kill the Dead (Sandman Slim, #2))
Poor boys are easier than middle-class or rich ones. Boys who've been busted are easier than boys who have not. Southern boys are easier than Northern boys. Marines are easier than Masturbation.
John Valentine (Puppies)
In Poetry class, Professor Sappho teaches us how to compose love ballads. She's a swell teacher and all but I'm not sure I understand her. She's always going on and on about her weekend trips with the other goddesses to the island of Lesbos.
Tai Odunsi (Cupid's Academy: The Miseducation of Mergatroyd, Love god in Training)
Although they probably know that some children were used and some children are used as miners, most adults are ignorant of the chocolate industry’s use of minors.
Mokokoma Mokhonoana (The Use and Misuse of Children)
In another telling anomaly of the meat-grinding business, many of the larger slaughterhouses will sell their product only to grinders who agree to not test their product for E. coli contamination--until after it's run through a grinder with a whole bunch of other meat from other sources...It's like demanding of a date that she have unprotected sex with four or five other guys immediately before sleeping with you--just so she can't point the finger directly at you should she later test positive for clap.
Anthony Bourdain (Medium Raw: A Bloody Valentine to the World of Food and the People Who Cook)
And just as I'm about to lay on the Yi-Wang-Smooth, I see Lay #1 and Lay #3 show up to our table and take the two empty seats nearby. From: "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story
Zack Love (Stories and Scripts: an Anthology)
…love isn't as simple as a hookUp. Love is the glue that holds the world together.
Taiwo Odunsi
Zuerst wartete ich langsam, dann immer schneller.
Karl Valentin
Your never over the hill to find true love because sometimes, that's where it is
Benny Bellamacina
I see no evil 'cause love is blind.
Ljupka Cvetanova (The New Land)
A brief hush fell over the table when the guy from the bar approached. After he finished depositing their drinks in the center of the table, Lynn jumped on the opportunity to flirt, winking and smiling prettily at him. “Thanks, cowboy.” “Cowboy?” Reaching for her appletini, Piper laughed. Lynn shrugged. “When I picture him in my bed, I see a Stetson and a saddle.” Something well-known among their group, ever since she watched John Travolta in Urban Cowboy, she was on a mission to secure herself her very own cowboy. “I bet you see a branding iron too,” Jules snickered. Lynn’s thoughtful gaze trailed after him as the bartender returned to making drinks.
J.C. Valentine (That First Kiss (Night Calls #2))
Summoning my inner Kojak, I tried to convince myself that she would have sat next to me even had there been somewhere else on the bus to sit. Unfortunately, I didn't do a very good job of self-persuasion. Good thing I wasn't in court suing myself, because I would have lost. From: "My Best Valentine's Day.Ever: A Short Story
Zack Love (Stories and Scripts: an Anthology)
This was getting uglier by the minute, I thought. There really was no easy escape, since we were sitting far from the exit and the waiters knew me from prior dinner dates with Ashley and I hadn't paid the tab yet. From: "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story
Zack Love (Stories and Scripts: an Anthology)
So I'm delighted to open up a bit about these particular details, in honor of Valentine's Day (when every balding, chubby, and short actuary wants people - especially the babes out there - to know about his studly past" From: "My Best Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story
Zack Love (Stories and Scripts: an Anthology)
O jest unseen, inscrutable, invisible, As a nose on a man's face, or a weathercock on a steeple! My master sues to her, and she hath taught her suitor, He being her pupil, to become her tutor. O excellent device! was there ever heard a better, That my master, being scribe, to himself should write the letter? Valentine. How now, sir? what are you reasoning with yourself? Speed. Nay, I was rhyming: 'tis you that have the reason.
William Shakespeare (The Two Gentlemen of Verona)
It was Valentine's Day and I had spent the day in bed with my life partner, Ketel One. The two of us watched a romance movie marathon on TBS Superstation that made me wonder how people who write romantic comedies can sleep at night. At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall all-the-time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer. Then, within the two hour time frame of the movie, the couple meet, fall in love, fall out of love, break up, and then just before the end of the movie, they happen to bump into each other by "coincidence" somewhere absolutely absurd, like by the river. This never happens in real life. The last time I bumped into an ex-boyfriend was at three o'clock in the morning at Rite Aid. I was ringing up Gas-X and corn removers.
Chelsea Handler (My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands)
Everything is going as planned until I notice that Ashley has barely touched her wine glass or food after ordering the priciest bottle and several of the most expensive dishes on the menu. From "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story
Zack Love (Stories and Scripts: an Anthology)
Like a driver who has lost control of his vechicle, I was bracing for the impending crash." From: "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: a Short Story
Zack Love (Stories and Scripts: an Anthology)
Men come and go. Husbands stay.
Ljupka Cvetanova (The New Land)
Instantly, the pair fell to groping one other as if each had puff the magic dragon at a rock concert in Woodstock.
Tai Odunsi (Cupid's Academy: The Miseducation of Mergatroyd, Love god in Training)
Heute ist die gute, alte Zeit von morgen.
Karl Valentin
قل للأحمق أن يصلي,فسيحطم رأسه من كثرة السجود.
Valentin Rasputin (المهلة الأخيرة)
New York City is legendary for sleeping around. There's hot tail everywhere and it's such a big city that two-timing and even three-timing is very doable, if you plan it right." From "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever. (a Short Story)
Zack Love (Stories and Scripts: an Anthology)
I found the right (Valentine) card to send her. On the cover there were hearts, and it said, "Here's hoping you'll soon have something big and strong around the house to open those tight jar lids." Inside was a picture of a pipe wrench.
Barbara Kingsolver
If I could do all of that on February 14th, it would be a personal best for me. Something to share with my crew for the glory and the laughs, or to cheer up the next buddy of mine to get dumped or cheated on. From "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever: A Short Story
Zack Love (Stories and Scripts: an Anthology)
Bernard: ... By the way, Valentina, do you want credit? - 'the game book recently discovered by.'? Valentine: It was never lost, Bernard. Bernard: 'As recently pointed out by.' I don't normally like giving credit where it's due, but with scholarly articles as with divorce, there is a certain cachet in citing a member of the aristocracy. I'll pop it in ad lib for the lecture, and give you a mention in the press release. How's that? Valentine: Very kind.
Tom Stoppard (Arcadia)
A contented sigh came from the tips of her toes.
Linda L. Broday (Be My Texas Valentine)
The Funniest Valentine was the first person in history to be named The, and was the current president of the United States.
Otaro Maijo (JORGE JOESTAR [ジョージ・ジョースター])
Of course, drinking is an art, like lots of other things.
Valentin Rasputin (Money for Maria and Borrowed time: Two village tales (Contemporary Russian writing))
Ich freue mich heute noch, dass es mir gelungen ist, den heutigen Tag noch zu erleben.
Karl Valentin
You can’t cry about everything in life, Princess. You’d get a nasty headache. Also, snot. Massive amounts of snot.
Christie Valentine Powell (The Spectra Uprooted (The Spectra: Keita's wings, #3))
I couldn't see myself as some twenty-first century Shirley Valentine, sitting on the rocks, a thousand miles from the nearest Waterstones.
Anthony Horowitz (Magpie Murders (Susan Ryeland, #1))
Things I Used to Get Hit For: Talking back. Being smart. Acting stupid. Not listening. Not answering the first time. Not doing what I’m told. Not doing it the second time I’m told. Running, jumping, yelling, laughing, falling down, skipping stairs, lying in the snow, rolling in the grass, playing in the dirt, walking in mud, not wiping my feet, not taking my shoes off. Sliding down the banister, acting like a wild Indian in the hallway. Making a mess and leaving it. Pissing my pants, just a little. Peeing the bed, hardly at all. Sleeping with a butter knife under my pillow. Shitting the bed because I was sick and it just ran out of me, but still my fault because I’m old enough to know better. Saying shit instead of crap or poop or number two. Not knowing better. Knowing something and doing it wrong anyway. Lying. Not confessing the truth even when I don’t know it. Telling white lies, even little ones, because fibbing isn’t fooling and not the least bit funny. Laughing at anything that’s not funny, especially cripples and retards. Covering up my white lies with more lies, black lies. Not coming the exact second I’m called. Getting out of bed too early, sometimes before the birds, and turning on the TV, which is one reason the picture tube died. Wearing out the cheap plastic hole on the channel selector by turning it so fast it sounds like a machine gun. Playing flip-and-catch with the TV’s volume button then losing it down the hole next to the radiator pipe. Vomiting. Gagging like I’m going to vomit. Saying puke instead of vomit. Throwing up anyplace but in the toilet or in a designated throw-up bucket. Using scissors on my hair. Cutting Kelly’s doll’s hair really short. Pinching Kelly. Punching Kelly even though she kicked me first. Tickling her too hard. Taking food without asking. Eating sugar from the sugar bowl. Not sharing. Not remembering to say please and thank you. Mumbling like an idiot. Using the emergency flashlight to read a comic book in bed because batteries don’t grow on trees. Splashing in puddles, even the puddles I don’t see until it’s too late. Giving my mother’s good rhinestone earrings to the teacher for Valentine’s Day. Splashing in the bathtub and getting the floor wet. Using the good towels. Leaving the good towels on the floor, though sometimes they fall all by themselves. Eating crackers in bed. Staining my shirt, tearing the knee in my pants, ruining my good clothes. Not changing into old clothes that don’t fit the minute I get home. Wasting food. Not eating everything on my plate. Hiding lumpy mashed potatoes and butternut squash and rubbery string beans or any food I don’t like under the vinyl seat cushions Mom bought for the wooden kitchen chairs. Leaving the butter dish out in summer and ruining the tablecloth. Making bubbles in my milk. Using a straw like a pee shooter. Throwing tooth picks at my sister. Wasting toothpicks and glue making junky little things that no one wants. School papers. Notes from the teacher. Report cards. Whispering in church. Sleeping in church. Notes from the assistant principal. Being late for anything. Walking out of Woolworth’s eating a candy bar I didn’t pay for. Riding my bike in the street. Leaving my bike out in the rain. Getting my bike stolen while visiting Grandpa Rudy at the hospital because I didn’t put a lock on it. Not washing my feet. Spitting. Getting a nosebleed in church. Embarrassing my mother in any way, anywhere, anytime, especially in public. Being a jerk. Acting shy. Being impolite. Forgetting what good manners are for. Being alive in all the wrong places with all the wrong people at all the wrong times.
Bob Thurber (Paperboy: A Dysfunctional Novel)
...and you wanted to cut her to ribbons to avenge me?" From Nina that was practically a Valentine. "But I don't, I just disarm her. I think maybe you are right Luchik, justice over vengeance." "Bloody hell, woman, have I actually made a dent in you?" She jabbed him in the ribs. "I make a few in you, too." Yes, you have, Ian thought, and not just the fact that I'm addicted to your paperback regency tosh.
Kate Quinn (The Huntress)
What's on the inside, beneath that sugar? Is it a bug? Is it a booger?
Elle Valentine (The UnPopular Pea (& Carrot))
Micah snorted. “Yes. But I’m a growing boy. I’m always hungry.” “You’re twenty-six years old. I think you’ve grown all you’re going to,” Nick said with a chuckle. Micah walked over to the stove and looked down into the pot of stew Nick was stirring. “There’s a part of me that always grows when I’m close to you, sir.” Nick’s chuckles turned to a laugh. “You’re incorrigible!
Lex Valentine (Subs for Lunch (Souls in Bondage, #2.5))
At times Valentine wasn't sure whether he kept Matthews about because of his supreme unctuousness or because he had half a suspicion the valet was trying to kill him.
Suzanne Enoch (Sin and Sensibility (Griffin Family, #1))
THE NEXT DAY WAS RAIN-SOAKED and smelled of thick sweet caramel, warm coconut and ginger. A nearby bakery fanned its daily offerings. A lapis lazuli sky was blanketed by gunmetal gray clouds as it wept crocodile tears across the parched Los Angeles landscape. When Ivy was a child and she overheard adults talking about their break-ups, in her young feeble-formed mind, she imagined it in the most literal of essences. She once heard her mother speaking of her break up with an emotionally unavailable man. She said they broke up on 69th Street. Ivy visualized her mother and that man breaking into countless fragments, like a spilled box of jigsaw pieces. And she imagined them shattered in broken shards, being blown down the pavement of 69th Street. For some reason, on the drive home from Marcel’s apartment that next morning, all Ivy could think about was her mother and that faceless man in broken pieces, perhaps some aspects of them still stuck in cracks and crevices of the sidewalk, mistaken as grit. She couldn’t get the image of Marcel having his seizure out of her mind. It left a burning sensation in the center of her chest. An incessant flame torched her lungs, chest, and even the back door of her tongue. Witnessing someone you cared about experiencing a seizure was one of those things that scribed itself indelibly on the canvas of your mind. It was gut-wrenching. Graphic and out-of-body, it was the stuff that post traumatic stress syndrome was made of.
Brandi L. Bates (Remains To Be Seen)
Money can't buy love, except on Valentine’s Day.
Matshona Dhliwayo
I got married. It could happen to anyone.
Ljupka Cvetanova (The New Land)
You gave me love and I gave it to your sister.
Anthony T. Hincks
The new settlement was no nearer or dearer to her than, say, America, where they said people, in order to not wear out their feet, walked on their heads.
Valentin Rasputin (Farewell to Matyora (European Classics))
This isn’t America, dumbass. It’s Canada. People aren’t supposed to have guns in Canada.” “Whatever. They’re basically the same.
Aurora Ascher (My Funny Demon Valentine (Hell Bent, #1))
I wonder what it is about me; all my women scream.
Ruby Mohan (Blue's Valentine: Part 3 of series (Holiday Romance Book 1))
A doua zi era deja în microbuz, cu un ghiozdan mare și o sacoșă sub scaun, căștile în urechi și o mutră îmbufnată pe care Valentin avea să o țină minte câte zile mai avea, noroc că nu erau chiar așa multe.
Mara Chelcioiu (La umbra unui vis)
There is no winner in marriage. All that matters is the courage to participate
Ljupka Cvetanova (Yet Another New Land)
I don't trust men. Give them a finger, they will put a wedding ring on it.
Ljupka Cvetanova (Yet Another New Land)
She marched up to the door, banged it open with a satisfying crash, brandished her scythe, and announced herself to any and all therein. “Get your heathen, trespassing backsides out of this carriage house immediately, lest I inform your papas of your criminal conduct—and your mamas.” “Good lord,” a cultured and ominously adult male voice said softly from Ellen’s right, “we’re about to be taken prisoner. Prepare to defend your borders, my friend. Sleeping Beauty has awakened in a state.” Ellen’s gaze flew to the shadows, where a tall, dark-haired man was regarding her with patient humor. The calm amusement in his eyes suggested he posed no threat to her, while his dress confirmed he was a person of some means. Ellen had no time to further inventory that stranger, because the sound of a pair of boots slowly descending the steps drew her gaze across the room. Whoever was coming down those stairs was in no hurry and was certainly no boy. Long, long legs became visible, then muscles that looked as if they’d been made lean and elegant from hours in the saddle showed off custom riding boots and excellent tailoring. A trim, flat torso came next, then a wide muscular chest and impressive shoulders. Good lord, he was taller than the fellow in the corner, and that one was a good half a foot taller than she. Ellen swallowed nervously and tightened her grip on the scythe. “Careful,” the man in the shadows said softly, “she’s armed and ready to engage the enemy.” Those dusty boots descended the last two steps, and Ellen forced herself to meet the second man’s face. She’d been prepared for the kind of teasing censorship coming from the one in the corner, a polite hauteur, or outright anger, but not a slow, gentle smile that melted her from the inside out. “Mrs. FitzEngle.” Valentine Windham bowed very correctly from the waist. “It has been too long, and you must forgive us for startling you. Lindsey, I’ve had the pleasure, so dredge up your manners.” “Mr. Windham?” Ellen lowered her scythe, feeling foolish and ambushed, and worst of all—happy. So
Grace Burrowes (The Virtuoso (Duke's Obsession, #3; Windham, #3))
I gave up drinking coffee for you. I swapped pizza for produce and this is what I get in return?
Barbar Valentin
I gave up drinking coffee for you. I swapped pizza for produce, and this is what I get in return?
Barbara Valentin (False Start (Assignment: Romance, #1))
I talk for a living, but it’s still hard to talk about love, especially when it’s officially mandated by the calendar. (Men, of course, think Valentine’s Day is a woman-dated occasion.)
Regina Barreca
This hypothetical person I have never met who didn’t want to threaten a tarantula should stop moving their hand around,” Yuri said urgently. “But…it’s…touching…meeeeee.
Jordan Castillo Price (Quill Me Now (The ABCs of Spellcraft, #1; Bad Valentine, #2))
Hey Cap'n! What're the swords for?" "Squawk, sea monsters!" Abraham replied. Even he grasped a miniature cutlass in his left claw. Eve cocked an eyebrow. "Really?" "Best to be prepared," the tier three parrot said. "It's not because you're pirates?" "Nope." Eve pointed over the bow. "And there's a merchant ship on the horizon." "Have to be ready to defend ourselves," he squawked back. Eve rolled her eyes, jerking a thumb over her shoulder. "That man's raising a skull-and-crossbones flag." "Squaaaawk, just a formality.
J.P. Valentine (This Class is Bonkers! (This Trilogy is Broken, #2))